methods

in the meantime, this will always be true, <3

become attach to everything you do. 

imagine that every action defines you. 

then learn Gods take on those things. 

so you can learn the repercussions that'll stand before you. 

I'm lacking clarity. 

i know what i think i want, but my wisdom isn't what's best for me 

I'm tryna dig ditches. create investments. within every action. 

so that ill always reap more than what i sow 

only God's direction can do that for you.

isn't it crazy though, that your outside drowns out your inside voice.

confusion precedes destruction.

I'm scared of that.

where is your will, what're you fighting for?

is it what you were created for,

or are the limits of the world placed upon your potential?

the L is for lacking.

go after the wrong thing, & there'll always be something missing.

intentions matter, true motives.

our hearts hold our lives, our deepest desires.

& you can lie to yourself, but you can't lie to your heart.

nothing's barely ever what it seems.

so hold your words. & speak only inevitable truths.

because you always know less than what you think.

& the room to grow keeps getting bigger.

fill it, instead of evacuating.

cause your ignorance will force you out.

impossible not to trust God, because only through his eyes are the truth.

classy

sometimes i feel as if Gods not moving enough.  that my faith test are that of a child, & my expected outcome is limited change.  but that's never right.  God never does too little or too much.  always just right, and never in vain.  I'm not use to this type of perfection.  but now i have no choice, but to adjust righteously.  because my tables are being turned constantly.  everything i once identified with is shifting. things and people are being taken from me, things I've built my foundation on.  if I didn't have God now, I would have nothing. nnnootthhhiinngg. & while it may always really be like that,  we're usually too comfortable to have to read between the lines and realize that.  now God gives me no choice.  but fear remains distant, I refuse to shorthand my God with that. therefor you don't deserve my farewells either.  because only God knows what this is. & i don't want to shorthand what my God is doing, with wisdom unworthy of comprehending such a divine plan.  pure faith, walking in the unknown.  but like a boss! :) owning it,  taking it,  with the authority that's been givin to me.  blessed be the name of my God, blessed be the name of me, & every step I take,  due to the one who directs them. amen. 

before the comeback.

knowing that you could do,
if God came down and personally asked you to,
is not enough!
do it because you should. the opportunity is always arising.
for you to prove your faith. take it.

don't want to be treated like a child.
but prove you can be an adult.
remember this day, so that you make walk in the release,
of this curse active on you.

big day.
gave into one, while denying another.
help is needed. sometimes more than what you can conjure up.
sometimes what God allows other people to conjure up on your behalf.
that happened to me today.
someone helped God save me. Thank God for her, :)

forgive me. for while I am steady growing.
sometimes, i am steady effing up.
but you know... then i remembered this; Letter 30: your reflection
& refused to cease and desist.

but believe in something bigger than right now.
sowing thoughts of success, because i was born to win.

(excuse the cheesiness!
my vulnerability causes me to be corny!)

<3 comeback queen

ell aye's got that 'comeback'

DTLA. <3

so separated from something I'm standing in. cold world. how am i suppose to flourish in righteousness, with my evil so accessible. how can i avoid the thought of a story, when part of it was already written. how do you tame intensity? this place scares me thinking about all the damage that can be done. is it wrong to want to leave a memory as it is. physical separation makes change impossible. it's that truth that  comforts me, given birth to the desire of relocation.

[Exodus 10:10-11 - Leave the women & children behind.
3. the enemy will convince you not to take anyone with you.]

it's always been in my nature to separate.
i don't handle disappointment well. i evacuate.
sometimes it's about them, sometimes it's about me.
not wanting to be bothered with caring too much.
no patience to endure. just bail.
instead of working, depart. make something new.

you have to be a special kind of person to stay. (or just blind enough not to see.)
the ability to be selfless, because theres something else about you.
something substantial inside you independent of your surroundings.
remains unchanging.

i never use to have that.
so my mood changed when my friends did.
I'll always love l.a for what it was to me. the part it played.
but right now. i nearly hate it.
i don't have the desire to endure, I'm just tryna bounce.
i can't imagine an ending to this story. i can't see a brighter day.
it seems as if he fu**ed up my will yo. no denying.

but he can't alter God's.
& i have to find a way to make none of it about him.
so its become about them, & not so much about me.
at least that's how it seems for now.
because God loves them much more than I do.
more than a problem I've created, or a bad characteristic that I've developed.
more than my fear of hitting the concrete.
& God's love conquers all. so no fear shall exist.

for what's inside me. <3

the monster.
my lsat.
my trip.
the ratchets, <3
hip-hop.
my family.
me.

the repercussions of outside.

what will you allow to separate?
what can get in-between, a pose as a distraction.
that thing that starts off small, and continues to grow.
widens the distance.
what vice will this be?

will you be conscious?
will you be aware of the decision you just made,
to alter your attention?
or will it breath to condem you later?
find yourself with no light,
wondering why your in the dark.

you see, they wont tell you,
but i will.
they beat around the bush like this here.
call it life,  and i guess it can be,
but they make the choice sound inevitable.
as if there is no control.

at first, its yours,
but most of the time we hand it over.
we give our days to our surroundings, our culture.
instead of keeping them for ourselves.
& in the end, thats giving up the win,
turning over to defeat.
there goes the separation.

i do this.
give in to the sunshine outside my window.
instead of the one bright in my heart.
theres that separation.

you see, because the sun outside.
it goes down. giving way to darkness.
this is inevitable.
but your part in it doesn't have to be.
dont give in to that separation.

i wish i could be bigger faster.
wiser now. endure harder.
it kills me. being patient in weakness.
i hate waiting. i hate waiting.
i really hate waiting.
i cant see the benefit, the endurance patience brings.

but i trust in something bigger than me.
& He has given me no choice.
so i take what i have, & hold it close,
as i wait this journey out,
that i am putting myself though this week.
my attempt at closing the separation,
& my faith that He will fill in the gaps.

<3 comeback queen

don't intimidate, be intimate.

intimidation.
the monster

so sticky.
so revealing.
destructive.
can tear down your character.

why.
why does it happen.
why does it affect us.

fuels insecurity
and withdrawal.
motivates us to front.
dissolves our clarity.

makes us want for the wrong things,
as we get lost in the sauce,
leaving our foundation behind,
for the sake of an illusion.

this is realistic.
this demon is alive,
and flourishing.
it doesn't discriminate
it's only preference is for the weak.
which come from every district, every neighborhood.
rich weak, poor weak. smart weak, stupid week.

it kills me.
being vulnerable.
forgetting what is encouraging about being me.
past, present & future.
because of something. not real.
culture & its expectations. its standards.
illusions.

forgetting why my dreams are mine.
& the preferences i've cultivated.
& watching them get smaller,
while others people's thoughts plague my mine.
& then i question. then i doubt. then i conclude...
that i'm not good enough.
so sick.

especially, because none of it's real.
this thing that we give space to in our mind,
that creates these thoughts.
it takes you out of reality, & puts you in this fantasy.
and tells you why you dont fit in,
& these things you need to compromise in order to feel worthy
in an unreal world. -___-

BUT, ... pt. 2 :)

pt. 2. :)

so remember.
all the good things about you.
that arent good because someone else tells you there good.
but because it comes from the truest parts of you.

the good that is cultivated from experiences, 
from lessons learned. 
the good that is a product of endurance.
the good in you that never waivers, 
never gets lost, never becomes compromised.

because even in this fantasy world,
entitled reality,
where they tell you youre not good enough.
that good in you still exist. 

right it on a post it note,
make it your screen saver,
tattoo it onto the inside of your hand,
tell it to yourself every day.
the good in you that has developed.
the good in you that directs your dreams,
& motivates you to keep enduring,
to be the best good that was meant for you to be.

always believe the BEST things.
what do you have to lose...
it's free. :)
& disappointments are only temporary,
existing only to build your character,
to enhance what already exist.
so don't let them discourage.

lol, intentionally this wasnt meant to be a motivational speech.
just an issue i was able to identify and defeat within my own life.
i live in los angeles, o_0. enough said.
& this isnt about me being weak or wack. far from it.
but about being real.
confronting a situation that i refuse to let become all too familiar.
because if your going to rise above your circumstances,
and create the circumstances that you desire,
this process, this growth. this is inevitable.

new expectations.

that stuff that use to work before, doesnt work the same now.
& that stuff i use to get away with, i wont get away with now.

when you know more, your required to act like it.
putting your flesh in check with your spirit.

sometimes this can take years to do.
i'm tryna be cold turkey.

battle of thoughts: higher help.

what does it mean when you don't mind your mistake.
at times, you like it a little too much.

notorious for learning the hard way.
if you can identify it as a mistake,
but it doesn't feel quite like one yet,
keep doin it....
& it will.

my vices have strong holds.
& they don't want to let go.
so they pose as acceptable decisions,
or indifferent actions.
so i let them out to play,
& then they attempt to eat me alive.
with their condemning suggestions.

& i realize i know better,
lock them away,
& then....
they use selective memory.
you remember the good...the bad,
gets lost in the sauce.
& you try again.
only to be reminded of the inevitable outcome.

aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh! o_0
that's how i feel.
fighting a battle i don't want.

a battle of thoughts are the hardest.
convincing yourself you don't want,
what yourself is telling you you do.

to have the will,
to deny yourself,
what yourself wants.

it takes higher help.
i need higher help.
because i have too much to lose,
to have to learn the hard way.

master plan

we have this notion of randomness. this idea that things just happen. 
this nonchalant attitude, that the little things, sometimes even the bigger ones, 
don't matter. 
& while this 'it is what it is' attitude may work for us...
help us survive the day to day... maintain focus. 
sometimes we're short-changing ourselves. 
missing out on a message, or even just a tiny truth, 
that could possibly manifest into a bigger one. 
i mean, why not take advantage of all the information around you, 
maybe it exist to help your day to day survival. 
your prosperity. 

you boo, 
are of divine design. 
a million reasons exist as to why you are the way you are, 
to think anything less, would be insulting to God. 

[OR, the way you could be. 
...i say that, because most us refuse to live up to our potential. 
myself included. 
we let doubt & insecurities limit the expectation we place on ourself. 
because the world tells you to be realistic.
pace yourself yes, but by no means limit what you feel your capable of]

i know you feel the burning desire to accomplish, :)
you have these dreams that you could be bigger than the success that pre-dates you. 
there's a reason. 

your preferences, 
your thoughts
your opinions & concerns,
even your questions,
are all apart of a master plan.

there is something that you can do,
that God needs you for, that no one else can give.
regardless of the doubts you have developed,
& placed upon yourself...
cause boo. God doesn't doubt. :)

he didn't doubt an ounce we he thought you into creation,
& thought you worthy of making regardless of our consistent eff-ups.
shouldn't we start acting like it, :)

never changes

i nearly finished this post, & then bam. the bad bam.
like my ish just all disappeared bam. -___-

& as i was speaking on conquering, i suddenly just felt conquered.
but here's where i can apply the good. the divine.
that things just don't happen,
there is always a reason,
& whether good or bad, you can prevail within it.

so no more thinking I'm useless to the creator who created me,
or that i am destined to fail due to my own shortcomings.
it's over for that mediocre thinking.
because honestly, you weren't designed that way.
that's not your natural nature.
& you should get hostile when a feeling arises that attempts to convince you of
that.

this is for you, you who can relate to me.
& I'm telling you, ohh, i feel it boo.
I've been there. parts of me still are.
but our feelings are not our friends.

but you can only gain resistance by enduring.
& by enduring you develop. it's inevitable.

cold world.
& even though the rain won't stop,
the sun will still always shine.

we learn to endure by knowing the one who made us to be more than conquerors,
the one who designed you and had you in mind before the formation of the earth,
there is nothing you can tell Him that He doesn't already know.
& nothing that can happen that can keep His original plan for you, from
prevailing.
except you. free will.

the Word of God is alive.
it awakens power within you.
puts the world under your feet.
because it gives you the truth, :)

we must protect our thoughts, our feelings.
keep them from the negative.
retain knowledge, making it easier to endure & eventually conquer.

The world is shifty, shapeless, & snakey.
God never changes.
His divine plan for you never expires.
& it endures. everything.
because your maker boo, he designed you to be as he is. :)

you vs. them

my perspective is changing. my desire. with people.
I love people. the things theyre capable of. the creation God designed.
our souls that fill us are a beautiful thing. divine design.
(while my heart can't fuel anything that isn't the truth, I have come to live peacefully in this war.
no judgements, no hate.
but my eyes belong to the Lord, & he monitors my hearing.
so I shall see things as they are, not as I wish they could be.
and I apply Gods way. because that is the only way.

so while my friends are still my friends.
either for ME, they are not the same,
or what friends are FOR, is not the same.
I am my own, only in control of my own.
my relationship with God, my progress,
it is only my own.
my spirit cannot dwell in another person,
another can not share what God is to me,
Except one.

being my whole,
my all,
...this is important. when it comes to 'friends' at least.
because if we dont share what the biggest most important thing is to me,
then how much can we really share.

my immediate reaction is to separate,
unoffensively.
...but this isn't about the physical situation,
but how I cope internally to a massive revelation.
something so significant previously, basically
changes immediately.

is this what he was put here for.
is he the motivation to separate from the storm.
a companion for the trial.
because he's the one person God gave me,
so bluntly, ...perfectly.
God flows through him, endlessly,
pouring directly & indirectly,
revelations, directions, obedience.
teaching of faith, patience,  & dedication.
a lesson in sacrifice.

as well as my prosperity, my abundance,
my grace & my favor.

because we share the same spirit,
the one connected to our Father.
& in us we believe the same things,
we learn the same things,
we're receiving the same things.

pre-designed.
our entire existence,
our entire relationship.

but he takes up a lot of space,
not leaving room for anyone who cannot meet the standard.
so them, they are at a distance,
but still seen with the Lord's eyes.

sometimes i get this feeling. to slow down. not to get too much done, to make sure you have something to do tomorrow. or in the days to come. whichever.
but isnt that crazy. it's a total oxy-moron. complete redundant way of thinking. yet, my mind will comprehend it as practical. acceptable obviously. o_O

this ish gots to go. im kicking that concept out the door. to the birds. kick rocks. there is never too much to know. too much to get done.
( now i do believe in a such thing as obsessed.
but that's not where i am right now. this is personal, not general. completely tailored to describe what im going through. don't feel crazy if you cant relate )

there's always a reason your in the moment your in. whether that reason or that moment is good or bad, there is one. so by making a habit of always doing the right thing. the God thing. the thing your spirit leads you to, your reasons are always divine, therefor so is your moment.
i always want divine moments.

because really, it's just a constant mind battle.

moments where your always fulfilled. full of joy. moments where you completely trust in your maker; knowing what he has done for you, and all that he plans to. complete regard of the love always there for you. the complete love. the love that considers your hopes and your dreams. your emotions and your family. your wants & your needs.
it gets you remembering; this moment is a divine one.

& you can go through boring jobs, because your working on something better, & God can always use this in the mean time. so really, i'm never missing out. nothing can prevent God. & that something better, it's not simply a desire, but a conquered goal. because that complete love always there for you, includes the victory. :)

you ma'am have already won.
act like it.
amen. :)

the end frm the beginning. :)

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be


calling the end from the beginning. the person i am. 
nothing in september. a lot happening. a lot of God working. A LOT of prophesy. :)
so this isnt simply to the person i wish i could be. 
but to this person i am. the person currently manifesting through me. 
God bless September, the month of moving faith, <3

stephiesosexy blog, Drawing: Tia frm Hollow Heart Gallery

a warrior of God. 
by works and by example. 
a living testimony of the abundant life. 
the life God thought and brought forth since the beginning of the creation. 
you are blessed. coming in & going out. 
you succeed in all you put your hands to, 
and continue to move as the Spirit of God leads you. 


nothing like this world. 
your entire life divine. 
your husband, & your children. <3
your career & your friends.
your experiences, your possessions. 


you create to inspire. 
as a servant first, 
then as a co-heir. 
to the kingdom that cannot be shaken. 


you take risk, and push limits.
believe in the impossible.
consistently increasing the measure of faith. 


with no spirit of fear, 
darkness abandons you, leaving you in grace. 
under the wing is where your entire existence resides. 


no time to waste. every second is worship.
you will experience all good things.
and endure the lessons.
learning, growing, saving!


your peace be multiplied, 
your heart fulfilled.
as your everlasting joy & hope live in the one who made you! :)

Day 30 - Letter: your reflection

...when i talk to myself,
there is more than just me.
the spirit within me is alive
& through him protrudes the Word of God.
Effect via the Divine Cause :)

my new members balloon from church :)

Letter 30 - Your Reflection.

'who are you now? what direction is your heart leading you?
better question?
what is it you desire?
where do you want your heart to be?
what is your destination?
& what path do you wish to take?

you always have a choice,
but not without a fight.
This is a mandatory war & strategy is required for survival.
where shall your help come from? have you found a better supplier?

your not new to this fight, but your perception has changed.
the enemy has been revealed.
& while his moves cant be predicted
his attacks lack creativity.

but sometimes you forget
who your fighting for!

this is not a self-induced battle,
..one that you choose
the war is inevitable, (but you will certainly reap the rewards)
but the victory has already been taken.
Now your faith must be proven.

There is only one option,
based on the ultimate desires of your heart.
to serve the one who has placed you first.
delivered you from the schemes of the one looking to detroy you.
who's hate is based on principle, no previous beef established.

but you are all too familiar with the other side.
remember.
you use to mingle through the fence.
selling yourself for a quick fix.
forsaking the one who has given the win.

your lack of loyolty
was damaging though,
& although you will win,
you have given room for the battle
to be much more demanding.
but only for the sake of your faith.

"Stay loyal to your soil, &
I will take care of the rest.
You will slip up, but ALWAYS aim
for perfection in me.
Remind yourself, that that is your one TRUE
desire. To find perfection in My eyes.

I will forever keep you,
always forgive you
& you will stay abundantly blessed.
Walk against the odds, for it is I who set those doors
in front of you. So that it will be,
only I who makes you through.
Your success will only come through me
& you will know and prove to be an example of what I desire."
amen'

the one thing. hello stranger.

ive started writing this letter a million times. made a bunch of outlines, restarted, etc...
in my attempt to approach a stranger just right, i probably would have managed to scare them away.

curious about all the answers? always attempted to crack the formula for life?
...i mean not the small things like calculus  and light years. but the bigger picture.
all that and some. including the science of love, & the process of easing the difficulty that can arise w/ family.

ever think its so much simpler then people make it.
i mean there are a million theories.
a million philosophers, tarot readers, astrologist...
that while there truths may share some similarities,
theyre hostility towards each other make you wonder.

& then there's the taboo subject of religion.
& the sensitivity involved treading on such thin ice.
but why if your religion was so concrete, must i tread so softly in discussion.
shouldn't theories and truth be able to be tested, applied, taken out of context and still hold like glue?
i mean, unless there are a whole lot of holes.
& then there's us logical people...who wants to entrust in something with a whole lot of holes?
doesn't sound too reliable right?

but lets take it back, waaay back.
to one of the first.
this divine entity named Jesus i mean...
whoa whoa, i understand your hesitation.
but let's just consider...

i mean i know Christianity has been exploited,
to hell & back...
& if we take from some of those old myths, & philosophers...
Jesus wasn't the first immaculate conception.
but guess what, I'm a Christian.
& your right, Jesus wasn't the first immaculate conception.

there are all these other truths of reality that exist.
but God through Jesus answers them all.
Jesus just isnt some man.
i mean...why couldn't God have a son?
a son he made human for us..
as an example. and a savior.

i mean. God is immaculate. this divine entity of perfection.
the beginning & the end.
& we mortals, although made in the image of God, are tainted.
evil messes really.
i mean, just look at the proof in this world.
while specks of good do exist, we are drowned in poverty, disease, materialism, & a host of other -ism's.
wouldn't you agree? ...right.
& God didn't make us like that. that was not his intention.
If God, himself were to come in our presence, we would disintegrate. I mean, all that good, around all our evil.
we couldn't withstand being in the company of such perfection. love you couldn't even imagine. we would drop dead.
so here's your question....'doesn't God know everything?'
yes, yes he does.
but just because God foreknows all things, does not mean that is the motivation for us doing them.
we act on evil due to other forces. & God is a God of law, giving you free-will, & always abiding by the laws of nature he set in place.
so he's not going to go against that and force his good-will upon you.
but he will provide a way out.

here comes the purpose of his son.
this awesome being, becoming human, but only acting in the ways of God,
therefore always unlike us, while still being like us.
with the power to become our scape-goat.
bearing all of our evil.
(come-ooonn, you know there is some evil in you...selfishness, greed, envy, materialism
....we all have a little)
but Jesus bears our responsibility. giving us a way to obtain perfection through grace.
& not because you deserve it. you could never deserve it.
but because God loves you that much.
that he sacrificed his son, allowed him to be humiliated, tortured, and killed,
....so that he may rise again.
symbolizing our own death, as well as re-births!
our death from this evil nature we know so well.
into one that can stand to live and breath in the presence of our Living God.

kind of romantic right.
the ultimate love story.
shakespeare has nothing on the authors of God. :)
& this is a package deal man, full of perks and power.
so you can help your friends & family.
save them from this hopelessly dead world.
and have them rise above their circumstances. :)
just imagine.

if you were bigger than your bank acct. bigger than your closet. bigger than your 'relationships'
bigger than disease. bigger than hardships. bigger than your job.
for once, life doesn't make you...but YOU MAKE LIFE! :)
& then...once you get God, through his ultimate son Jesus,
he will give you EVERYTHING ELSE.
the phat bank acct. the walk in closet. the ultimate relationship.
the smooth as buttah family. the best job.

so this stranger, is my letter to you.
my one true advice.
that i will hold my own life to.
to guarantee that it will work for you.
& you will love it.
love being loved with the most ultimate, phenomenal love.
living in it. & sharing it.
giving everything,
losing nothing,
& gaining eternity. :)
t

we are not victims of circumstance.

a little less of me, a whole lot more of HIM. :)

my fast was a gigantic experience.
...pure love.
& even failed battles.

intense reflection,
with guiding hands,
that lead to pivotal lessons,
learned.

an intimate connection,
always on.
a love high,
instantly accessible.

gratification,
always for another.
with enough left over,
that i too,
am filled abundantly.

romantic moments.
on rose colored petals of gold.
a wealthy spirit.
completely edified.

the task at hand was not easy.
but the reward i will never be deserving of.
through grace though,
i walked within it. received it.
experienced for a week. sowing.
reaping for a lifetime.

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but are too afraid to

blah blah, no need for intro's...

with you ive learned, expectations are garbage.
& while standards can exist, they will not always be applied.

with you ive learned forgiveness,
and the patience it takes to get there.

ive learned that i cannot make you be the person i always need.
i guess you've nourished my relationship with God indirectly that way.

this is all love,
stricken with a little pain.

because although youve helped me like a bestfriend,
you hurt me like an enemy.

i lay my whole being on the table, not to offend you...
but to allow us both to grow.
& i dont doubt God works in your life.

but it's what is inside you that holds you back.
those grudges you can't let go of.
the pain from the past that you let construct your future...
those pieces of evil that i feel you embrace,
rather then fighting their existence.

so what do i do with a friend like you.
on the outside, you pose to be everything i need.
but realistically, your not half the women you could become.

so it comes down to this.
the love is real.
the commitment. the defense.
the responsibility.
from me to you.

& while i feel you want to love me,
the way i love you...
all that stuff on your insides, will never let you.

so i can't really trust you,
& i dont really depend on you.
& i always expect to fight my own battles.

i promise.
i love you the most.
but you have taught me....
a friend is still just a friend.

morning babble. at work. :)

let go of the world.
let go of the co-signs.

you havent really let go of the world.
if you still acknowledge their co-signs.

subconciously what your saying,
is that, you dont give a fuck,
because even by their standards,
your killin.
acknowledgement is respect.
do not respect the world.

so how do we completely let go of a world,
that raised us.
that still surrounds us?

but even asking this,
is an insult to the Most High.
who exist that poseses a threat to your guardian?
there is none.
what situation exist that God cannot interupt?
there is none.

God made you.
he is your creator.
with maker's knowledge. he knows you,
better then you know yourself.

God wants you closer to him
then to anything else.
this is the will of God.
will he then, not make a way of escape,
from the world that corrupted you from birth.

the answers are there.
your victory is only waiting,
do not fight battles you have already won,
re-affirm their defeat.

lost at where the journey begins?
unsure of your position?

ask God,
ask him whatever
& believe he will answer you,
because he said he will.
God is not a liar.
He wants you to hold him to his word
the original idea of integrity.

and then wait,
for God loves time.
Invest in yourself through
indulgement in the divine. :)

crash culture

it's times like these when we need to remember why.
when we are faced with a huge inner dilemma, caused by actions of the majority and your individual lack there of.
you remembered your straight & narrow when it was held in high regard.
what about when it is getting dragged through the mud?
what will keep you?

...from the vault

do not grow a wristbone daughter,
where your backbone ought to be. <3

(i found this. something i wrote in dec. how could i not share.)

i need to write all this stuff out. essentially create an outline for my life right now. organization makes living easier. i need to be prepared.

my worth has shifted. it no longer resides in the culture that surrounds me, but rather the entity's that are much closer to my heart.
as you mature your objectives shift. change is good.
so while image is something i still place value upon, my ability to help is much more valuable.
lets not forget this.

know yourself.
myself depends on feeling faithful & productive.
that wont come from the mall. or through the superficial acceptance of peers.
rather, it comes from preparation & progression.
wisdom, investments, creation -- these are priorities.
valuable ones. that expand and give room for something bigger.

Day 5 — Your dreams

this one could possibly get a bit intense.
as i am in a relentless place right now.
what are the point of dreams if you cant make them true.
no really, think about that. and the fact that there is a purpose for their existence.
then the question transitions, and it becomes not about whether or not dreams are real.
or can they come true,
...but are you the type of person that can make them happen?
why would you want to be anything less.

therefor dreams, you are not some distant wish, or unrealistic fantasy,
you are full of substance and content.
you have been tailored made to include my experiences,
and foresee my new position.
a vision, illustrating the future.
of what is to come.

&& dreams you are mine.
i feed and nurture you,
bring you out to play daily.
i treasure you, keep you close,
while letting you live.

i trust in you,
because you know, your existence depends on my progress.
together we are a duo. the divine replication of mobb deep, of the clipse, kurupt & daz, suga & quik. short & 40, of outkast and UGK.
im bun, your the pimp. everlasting. :)

i chose to write you today,
to inform you of your significance.
your realness.
for the doubt of the devil is being defeated constantly.
i see the power in your hope.

{there's no room for maybe in always. having hope is not foolish for love always perseveres.}

i want to thank you for being alive. 

for being so visible.

and completely attainable.

you are generous.

this is good. because i got some homies.

you let me include them.

since you are alive, you grow.

dreams, you have been growing since i could comprehend.

keep it up thuggin! :)

divine intervention

remember this day. this day in which you felt like this. this unrestrainable urge to type. to remember. to paste a bit of time on a post it note. yes, alcohol accompanied this. && for that i feel like some drunk stereotypical idea of a melodramatic writer, in an tainted environment.

i say tainted, because i am not your average writer. i am a christian first. a jesus filled individual who has daily conversations with our God. && God let me know today, that i can no (know) longer play the fence. i.e i know now. for sure. it is written. :)

these objections that i feel. these powerful feelings of doubt. smh. all caused by playing with those things on the other side. uhhhmm. there is a fence there for a reason.

so dominique was there all along to show me this as well.
why try so hard to hold on to things,
you obviously really wish to let go from.

weed is on my side.
recklessness is not.
let go of all recklessness.
we are moving on.
:)


p.s God has interrupted this reckless moment to bring us a valuable message. :)

p.s letter nineteen. :)

never will it stop. never never, never will it stop. 
Pusha T dropped over the weekend... perfect timing. :)

because shit like this happens. && while i'm not okay with that shit.
i am okay knowing that shit happens.
because that shit happens around me. not to me.
& God gives you the power to allow that.
so im still on my pivot. :)
biiitch.

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

ahaahahahahahaha. i was looking for a title under which i can place you under within this letter list.
because unfortunately, for a second, i let you become too fuckin significant.
thankfully, with BIG Homie up there, we can somewhat retract steps.
obviously not recreate what happened, but redefine its meaning.
&& obviously, were just talking about me here.

there's so many reasons why...&& ive went through them all. Attempting to find the necessity in all of this. there has to be one, because i was with the program. and even though what i intended, is not what came to pass. i can make this situation anything i want to. for me at least. :)
we have BIG Homie to thank for that.

so what has brought me comfort is my entire demeanor. what i was before you, & what i will continue to be after.
you see. you can say what you like. but my character speaks for itself.
decades of realness has brought that about, & this by no means has the power to shift that. under any circumstances, eevveerr. :)

but with that into consideration, there is a reason it was you. & that i treasure. :) you're a giant amongst midgets. & you know it. but you have yet realized how to maneuver around them. instead.... you pahlay w/ the crowd. that is something only time can teach. and my timing...in the context of you? wwwaaaayyyyyyy ooofffffffffff! lol. (this is want impatience can bring...)

because of my behavior, youve become a testimonial. an experience. thankfully a rich one, because inevitably, i have good taste. but im more thankful that i'm capable of learning. learning you, learning myself, & this context in which we thrive in. this hiphop demeanor shit.

so your neither good nor bad. you are you. a wonder at what you are :) & i will pray for your success. and even continue to help you thrive. if i can.
because really, that is what created this.
a winner helping a winner win. :)

in the mean time. ...im chilling like the hook say, of whom shall i beware.
xoxo, w/o the kisses. :)

the birth of me

my parents.
i feel like this could be hard. or maybe really simple.
just the idea of summing up our relationship & my feelings...
it seems so much to consider. &; i dont want to miss anything.

but maybe we should leave the past in the past.
were all too familiar.
and well never really forget, it is what brought us here today.

this is for all of my parents.
a little bit of all of you contributes to who i am.
i can see the root of some characteristics so clearly.
& i love that.
that tradition, that trait, something we share,
that withstands time.

and a lot of what i am,
is a lot of what your not.
i recognize where you fall short,
its what created my voids, brought about vulnerabilities,
but with time, ive filled those as well.
and forgave you for the extra work youve caused me.
but that is life.

and i appreciate God for thinking my existence is worth creating.
& i thank God that he chose you to escort me into this world.

I want my children to know you.
see what i see in you.
want them to know they have the best grandparents ever.
my man, he will thank you! immensely!
for creating a women like me.
For creating three amazing women!
Hey yall there, yeah yall, Job Well Done!

xoxo, Ashley Avery.

Day 14 — time & time again... but, not this time. :)

God told me that you arent the same person anymore. & that i should start treating you that way.

trust was definitely my biggest issue.

but ive always known there was a reason my spirit picked you. something about you and jessica and how we develop over time is so similar to something that is in me.
ive never doubted your ability.
your perspective, and your will... yes.
fortunately though, that can always change.
God has destined you to be bigger then you know.
& that has always been in your character.

its just, youve never acted on it.
the devil did everything to keep you from knowing that side of you.
but, everything the devil does is temporary.
none of it is substantial enough to last forever.
and God never let go of you.
through me, he's always had his eye on you,
waiting patiently.

i didnt believe you could be helped this quickly.
but it only makes sense.
what God had given you was huge, progressive.
(which is why the devil invested so much into you)
so naturally, when you decide to look God's way,
& really indulge.
your going to move in the right direction, fast. :)

i never thought you were going to church for me.
it wouldnt have mattered, it wouldnt have worked.
but i see you indulging, intaking what you hear.
& the stuff your hearing is incredible.
i know you, so i see that.
...and your right, actions do speak loud.
& youve chosen to act on what you hear,
i see that.
& you know me, my criticism, beliefs, ideas...there all divine.
so i think of what your becoming, what your doing, very highly!
your amazing me.
your will to indulge, and to see God act on his promise,
...that even if you go towards him just a little, he will meet you more then halfway.

to anyone else, your transition might not seem like a miracle.
but i know what it really is. & God's grace is falling all over you. :)

i can say this to you, because ive chosen to step back.
and now all i see of you is the divine part.
the time we share in church.
& i know that, that is the most important part of you.
so anything else that your doing, that may not coincide with God's will,
it wont last much longer.

so i want to remind you,
that patience is a virtue.
God knows more then you.
& He made you.
so more then anyone or anything,
He knows what you need,
& He knows what you want.
& He wants those same things for you too.
if you let Him, anything God wants, He will have. :)

so ill always forgive you,
not only because im a christian,
but because life's at its best that way.
this will be a slow process,
but that allows us to marinate within it.
within God,
our relationship will only get better. :)

i love you soldier. :)
cute little tough soldier. :)

letters, letters, more letters. :)

i love letters. & i love content. im going to embark on this 30 day letter challenge. :)

& im going to post them on here, so you can seeeeeee :)

im probably going to go out of order. make my own order. depending on how they feel to me. 

(for a second i forgot that this was about me. for me. for you. but all me.) 
yeah.

WRITE A LETTER TO THESE PEOPLE :

Day 1 — Your Best Friend

Day 2 — Your Crush

Day 3 — Your parents

Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)

Day 5 — Your dreams

Day 6 — A stranger

Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Day 8 — 10-Year old you

Day 9 —Someone you wish you could meet

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Day 23 — The last person you kissed

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but are too afraid to

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

decorated veteran.

whatever in God's will, i want for me.

he's one of my soul mates too. the witt he comes up with to ideally describe something. so diverse. so classy. mmmmm.... :) timeless.
-spitta nigguh, yeaah.

....and to think. this is just plus fuel. ha, smh.