because look,
isn't it one thing to understand & accept severe human flaws from individuals,
and another to invite them into your personal life.
why associate with people you can't trust.
you can't trust them to not speak about you maliciously,
in their times of weakness.
you can't trust them to be loyal, when faced with snakes.
you can't trust them to have your best interest at heart,
when they're unhappy with their own circumstances.
you can't even trust them to be honest about their shortcomings as a friend,
because that would be admitting fault, & God forbid they admit to vulnerabilities.
too much pride, but pride of what?
the lack of a real individual you managed to become.
i hate the idea that i'm just being bitter,
which is why i'll always attempt to assess myself.
but i can't find a neutral perspective or place for people that consistently can't be trusted.
what value are you to me?
i even find disgust in myself,
which fuels my desire for change.
i want my friends to feel as if they can rely on me.
if they feel concern by a comment or action,
that they feel comfortable enough to tell me,
before assuming, & then acting on their assumption.
i want them to believe they can confide in me,
& worry not that i would use their secrets to my own advantage,
for something as small as 'making conversation'
when really, it's creating gossip.
i would like for them to think that if i knew information concerning them,
their well-being, their relationships, etc ...
that i would tell them.
i want them to know they are a priority,
and that i would sacrifice for them.
that i value their presence,
& all the joy it adds to my life.
i mean, am i trippin?
is that too much to ask?
are my expectations too high?
because yes, i've been told that before. ;) lol. smh.
and then honestly, even if they are....
I DON'T CARE !!
i rather have one real friend,
then hella mis-guided, cowardly, integrity-lacking, delusional people around me,
who serve no purpose.
i don't need people strictly for 'social-settings'
people there only to have fun with...
i have fun by myself.
& i'll sacrifice the occasional 'turn-up'
until i'm able to surround myself with more
responsible human beings.
people who take responsibility for their life,
themselves, their words, and their actions.
people who stand by their character and integrity.
or at least make an attempt to.
