death of self confidence

i always surprise myself.
is this good?
always being surprised that you're actually more sufficient,
than you thought you were?
why you always thinking you insufficient?

confidence in Christ,
is so much better than confidence in self.
i believe i am always in this battle,
because this world pushes so much need for self-confidence on you.
but this is not me.

if i attempt to act like this, from the self,
it is inconsistent,
it is not sustainable,
it is fake, most times,
and keeps you from acting in honesty with others.

but when i am confident in Christ,
for the sake of my relationship with my God
for the sake of my own well-being,
for the sake of my intimate relationship,
for the sake of my family,
for the sake of my efforts,
for the sake of my friends,
for the sake of my career,
it is not in vain.

only i can be inconsistent,
the Lord cannot.
He will always come through,
He will always love,
and grant peace,
and defeat that which acts against you.

it is when i forget this,
and judge my circumstances based off my own capacity,
and judge my future based off my own capacity,
that i am destined to fail,
that i am destined to break.
alone i am weak,
in Christ i am everything good.

imagine that.

clarity in love

hheeeyyyyy,

its been awhile and i've missed you.
i'm learning discipline currently,
and learning to organize my life based on my priorities.
of course in order to do that,
I have to figure out what my priorities should be.
it's a process and I got some ways to go.

now though i'm currently afflicted by my period,
and the hormonal abuse attacking my brain. lol.
in other words, i. am. emo!
some of it justified,
most of it an extra petty attack on my emotions.

but this motivated me to attempt to outline
my perspective and expectations with my relationship partner.

because here you have
two whole individual people
who want to come together (for whatever reason)
and bring their whole selves and their whole lives with them.
i don't know about most people but for me,
that idea is a bit overwhelming.

each person has their own history,
and they also have a present,
and then they have all this stuff in between
which is a record and illustration of their
character, perspective and the cards life deals.
we're just all trying to figure out the best way to live.

so when one person with all their baggage life deals,
wants to mutually share life with another who has their own baggage that life deals,
it. can. get. crazy.

you guys, i'm already crazy.
trying to navigate through my mind in the presence of
my life baggage,
his life baggage,
and the baggage that we've accumulated together,
sometimes makes me really crazy.

i lose sight of my original motivations,
my original relationship goals,
the perspective i've established as someone's girlfriend.
i'm not able to discern what i want from what i don't want and why.
i begin to act from feeling rather than emotion.
& then i begin to abuse myself because i'm disappointed at my inability to keep it together.

but if i realistically outline,
my purpose for being in a relationship,
and what i realistically need from my partner (while considering that he is also just human),
in order to give him what he needs,
then i can reference this,
and regather my perspective and approach.

so for me, what is the value of being in a relationship; 
the consideration the person you prefer gives you.
the powerful love someone has for you, and the affection they show you.
the reliability and consistency that comes from making a commitment to your person.
the first place spot.

& many other elements go into making the above initiatives happen.
but let's say that all of our actions, should support one of the above initiatives.

i'm going to start here,
in examining the expectations i have for myself towards my partner,
and the expectations i have for my partner towards me.