even when it's dark.

i wrote the post that is to follow, in september,

but things can move so fast in life, 

& although one day you're feeling the victory, 

other days, not so much.

mad shxt got in the way between me writing this, 

& eventually posting it. 

even now, I'm not so sure. 

I mean, what it says is true, 

but am i currently feeling ideal about life...

lol, no. 

but that strengthens my desire to post this, even now.

because it be when I'm in the trenches, 

that I'm feeling the boldest. 

______________________________________

It's amazing what God can do. 

my last post, 

was a piece of transparency.

I chose to lay out the insides of me, 

in an effort to understand my own frustration, 

as well as be a resource for anyone,

who could remotely relate. 

I don't usually share my pain, 

as it happens in the now. 

too many distractions, 

too much opportunity being given, 

for something to be used against me.

usually, I'm too vulnerable in the midst of darkness. 

too close to fear to let anyone in. 

but i think I had just had enough. 

& I refused to be scared after all that I had accomplished.

even if the world was so set on breaking me, 

I could no longer be timid. 

I realized my value, my worth, my ability...

nobody could take that away from me. 

but the place I'm in now, 

compared to where I was, 

just a few months ago...

only God could do. 

I knew that God turned my losses into wins, 

I knew that everything that was taken from me, 

had to be returned. in excess. 

I knew that I was Gods, through Christ, 

and that His purpose is to raise me, 

take me high, 

bless me and use me. 

just a quick short list, 

to add physical details, 

to the manifestation of Gods glory in my life. 

I was promoted way up at work, 

along with a hefty raise, :)

steadily becoming an expert in my field. 

I'm in law school now, part time,

& I love it. 

my new apartment, is flourishing. 

& so are a lot of people around me. 

&&& that's just the short list. 

I'm constantly being challenged,

but when you know you can't lose, 

because the creator of the universe has already set you up to win, 

you embrace the opportunity to become better,

to grow, evolve, to give and to share. 

I am a product of Christ. 

my life is solely dedicated to Him,

& in Him, is everything good! 

new keys. new doors.

i'm kind of rushing.
it's just that i want to finally make progress on this.
before i forget.
especially because, even if it doesn't always feel like it,
it's a monumental time.
but because this is somewhat so significant to me,
i don't want to rush.
i feel like i need time to gather my thoughts,
& create a focus,
or i could just be stalling.

i'm moving!
i've been praying, sowing, believing.
for a break. Heaven's favor,
to rain down & reign over my situation.
& it has.
my circumstances are ideal.
not the end to all means,
the journey by no means stops here.
but it is a new chapter.
& i should be happy yes.

but, i can't say i'm anymore happier than i was previously.
i attempt always to make it a point,
to always be happy, regardless.
this though, does bring me pleasure.
reassurance, that God is actively working.
He is for me, and instead of working against Him,
We are working together. Or more like,
me actively always believing that He has already gone before me,
& made my paths straight and desirable.

but, the devil is always at work.
& the more given, the more expected.
& with that, to be totally honest,
although going back is not an option,
i move forward with a bit of hesitation.
because i am fully aware of the bullshxt life can bring.

this truth though, also brings excitement.
because these circumstances simply allow,
God to show out more than He ever has in my life,
for where there is evil, there Grace abounds much more.
this isn't just some religious folktale for me,
some deep quote meant to produce short-lived hope,
just to be forgotten about later....
it is my permanent circumstance.
it is what i count on. completely.

i've had these moments before.
these completely gut-wrenching situations,
that produce anxiousness ...
but everytime, i've stepped out on faith,
what has been produced, was far greater than the risks itself.
so why would i run and hide from this,
can i finally look these moments in the eye, and smile.
running that shxt like a thug. :) relentless. :)
my faith is always bigger than my fear.
the story my life continues to produce.
in Jesus name, amen. :)