exclaiming victory

sometimes i struggle,
attempting to be perfect & right from all angles.
in my own capacity though, that is impossible.

so the only analysis i can give,
is the result of what my eyes see,
what my heart feels,
what my mind comprehends.
therefor, i am the living proof,
i'm the truth that maters amongst my own words.

lol, that's my introduction to what i shall proceed to write after this quick explanation. for these words i was attempting to capture moments and feelings of redemption and victory for a long-standing battle i've been plagued with since i was a child. the moments being focused on is only one example of the many victories God has helped deliver to me. :)

it's one thing to know you've risen above
the circumstances of your past.
to have found and shed light on your worth & value,
after you've been fighting against the dark for so long.
but then it is another,
to live your, newly found & steadily growing, light & value,
directly in the face of darkness !!

...because the darkness will continue to exists,
whether you choose to live within it or not.
& even though you've overcome it,
it will revisit, attempting to break you again.
it will wait for its perfect time,
attacking where it thinks you're weak,
with no shame.
...at least, this is my experience with it.

but, i have no fear.
my faith rest in the creator of the universe,
& His Son who has proven to love me more,
than the world could ever.

so even in the face of darkness, &
all of darkness' allies,
all the people being used, to carry out its will,
against me & others,
i stand steadfast in my light, my value and worth,
unaffected, #unbothered! hey now...lol.

this victory is so powerful,
so uplifting,
comforting beyond understanding,
this is my experience.

as for my self-proclaimed enemies,
who have allowed themselves to be used,
spewing out darkness,
they get no reaction from me,
just this testimony exclaiming their defeat.

...outside the lines.

i'm going to attempt to put into words,
the value i've realized, exist in rules.
standard outlines,
a universal code,
that everyone can accomplish,
so that in general, we can communicate.
that's a beautiful thing.
to have established practices,
traditions, familiar processes.

being aware of these standard positions,
holding doors, saying hello, politeness,
literary rules, constructing a sentence,
acknowledging ambulances,
inside voices, table manners,
eating with forks, (not a fan of this when i was a child)
etc...there's a million.
allow us to come together,
share with one another,
even if we don't immediately relate.

but when i was a child,
who loved to eat with her hands,
i had a strong disdain for these rules.
not that i thought certain actions or behaviors weren't appropriate or beneficial,
but that someone was telling me how i should act,
as if i didn't have enough reason,
to arrive at that decision myself.
& what if i didn't want to exactly do it 'your' way, ...
i wanted there to be nothing wrong with that,
as long as it accomplished what i desired,
& was peaceful to the public.

but now.
now.
as a professional woman in an industry,
as a creative, a writer, a visionary,
i am so grateful for these little details...
these social traditions,
this umbrella we operate under.
definitely not saying, that to stay & only operate under that umbrella is the ideal way, no.
but to have that frame of reference !!! yes.

while some of our social traditions are based on biased thinking,
essentially being sexist, agist, classist, etc...
some of them are natural evolution.
they exists for reasons, on purpose. they work.
working in a creative industry,
where you're attempting to market your creativity to the general population successfully,
having that plane that you know exists, that a lot of people can relate to...
so valuable.
that consistency, general same-mindedness, ...at least regarding certain things.

ALSO, because my little rebel still exists, even in this professional couture fit....
rules exists, so that WE CAN BREAK THEM, SOMETIMES.
there are these special moments, that we treasure,
that coloring outside of the lines, works, and is amazing,
& sometimes, reshapes the line it purposely disregarded.
that could never happen if that line didn't exist.

design rules, in lettering, architecture, web design, etc...
they're there for a reason, because they work.
they look good, they are outlines, you can count on.
writing rules, punctuation, capitalization, etc...
so that in general, what you write, can be understood.

but this is the fun part.
because by not choosing to use those general rules,
you get to say something,
without really saying it.

this is my blog.
these are my words.
this is my mind, layed out, how i like it,
how i believe it is accurately transferred,
from the wiring in my brain,
to the wiring that is this computer, & further, this internet.
some punctuation rules, i disregard.
my thoughts are informal.
when they are here, displayed in this context,
on this platform,
they are still in general, just raw thoughts,
not specifically assigned to a purpose, which in that case, they may need 'rule' adjustments.
therefore, i illustrate that with my lack of formality in my writing.
all my case is lower except when referring to something holy, like God,
because i don't like to take myself so seriously.
this is my comfort zone, a cozy place, a no-judgement zone,
but all of that is possible, that message, this act of small defiance,
because the rules are there.
& sometimes, they are meant to be broken.

where i'm at | 04.05.15

so many things.
so many things happening inside of my little body;
...my expansive mind, my active spirit, God's Spirit,
all of those feelings & the emotions that follow.
sometimes it feels as if what's happening inside of me,
& the things happening to me,
are too big for me.
all of these battles being fought, at the same time,
...constantly having your attention & focus split,
attempting to keep yourself above water,
concerning every aspect of your life.
the only moments representing peace that you get,
are the ones you decide to make or let happen.

but it's all, not for nothing.
it is for something.
i am attempting to live on purpose,
allowing every moment to matter.
& when you choose to live,
as if God is your salvation,
your peace, your well-being, your success...
moments attempting to promote rejection & oppression will happen.

so i'm in the midst of a journey.
transitioning from one point to a further one.
going up. :)
if you could see the insides of me,
they would look as they always look,
a good work in progress.