...from damaged to diamond

#heyfranhey's vlog on mental wellness here, as well as twenties unscripted, The Battle for Revival, here
inspired this post....
a lot of talk lately on mental health ...
dark moments we experience inspired my desire to share.

mental stability is something i’ve strived for nearly all of my life,
constantly. the value and worth i feel for myself goes up and down severely like a see-saw,
& is constantly shifted by the smallest thoughts.
sometimes thoughts regarding something only speculated,
something that has no basis or no real substance even.
my mind has been geared towards a negative reflection of myself for so long, so strongly,
that it is a constant battle to keep steady. 

this reality existed for me long before the social media aspect of the internet became a fundamental staple in our lives. with its introduction came a tsunami of opportunities for some thought to come into my head that completely broke down my self worth to crumbles of dirt & had me wanting to hide in a dark hole alone, forever. 

there are so many reasons i’ve developed these soft spots.
i have experienced loads of verbal, mental & emotional abuse for a period as an adolescent,
in my home, school, work … at a time when other kids are developing their value and worth,
mine was constantly being compromised.
at certain points i felt i had little to no reasons to feel any value at all.
but those little reasons, are what kept me going, kept me trying, believing it was worth it.
those reasons, reasons I feel God gave me on purpose;
a God-mother who always attended to me,
a neighbor family who always valued my presence,
hiphop!! via kurupt & mobb deep,
...all so significant in the reasons why i am where i am now…. in a place i can even write this. 

i begin to realize the negative feelings I would have towards myself were wrong.
although it felt so right to believe i would never accomplish anything,
or that i could never be loved by someone other than family,
& it took everything in me to oppose that, i would anyway.
maybe not right away. maybe it took a break down,
maybe it took solitude for a few days, but eventually … i wasn’t having it. 

through experience and relationships i realized these mental thoughts
were meant as attacks on the beliefs i had of my value.
i knew that things that I had experienced as a pre-teen/teenager made me vulnerable in
social situations or how i saw myself in relation to the rest of the world.
i knew there were dark memories i never wanted to confront,
& that they were the source of why i felt the way i did.
...but since when does my past dictate my future?
God says it doesn’t have to, therefore I knew it didn’t. 

so that brings me to the direction of my journey. the outline you can say,
the fundamentals that have aided me in this road to salvation,
because i knew i wanted to save myself.
i knew that God would have never made something that wasn’t worth saving.
& it was how God saw me & how that resonated with me, that saved me.
that i was thought into existence before the foundations of the earth,
& that my creator knows the number of hairs on my head.
God has given meaning to everything in my life,
even my tragedies have been used to mold me into a resilient human being with a huge imagination
& a compassionate heart. how could i not even be thankful for that?!
not thankful for the pain then, at that moment, but that it wasn’t for nothing.
God turned my losses into wins...

my journey is specific. i’ve never felt like i ever fit into categories,
which is a source for the reason, i tend to keep to myself.
i’m a Jesus-freak who has a deep & real passion for hiphop!
i hold some traditional standards of a womans role in society,
but also know that I am more than a wife or even a mother.
I celebrate the naturalness of a women, but I adore makeup.
I constantly desire information to feed my intellect, but I also love to feed my imagination.
I am a black woman, but also know God & His creation are bigger than color
& believe your destiny could never be buried due to your race or economic status. 

(Although i don’t deny my differences, i never celebrated them either.
i am still in this process of being comfortable with myself.)

Part of Frans video hit home when she talks about being alone.
I desired more than anything to feel adequate just by myself. Me, alone, i am worthy!
so that regardless of what happens, or what can be said, or who goes & who stays,
I am still just as worthy today, as I was yesterday.
That has always been my goal, because I realized, through this journey,
that you can have expectations for people or relationships,
but that does not constitute who they will choose to be or how they choose to act.
therefore, it would be completely illogical for me to place my value or worth in the hands of others.
their presence, their opinions, their approval …. nope, suck it. 

i am getting there. more and more.
when i feel worthy, i have the desire to execute my thoughts or ideas,
to create and take risks. & over time those risks with faith have produced great rewards.
I know now that me, myself, is enough! :)
I create my own standard for myself, and always attempt to live up to that,
regardless of anyone else’s behavior.
therefore, if my character, actions, or thoughts & beliefs were never based an ounce on you,
why would your opinion of them matter at all?! :)
… i am getting to a place where it rarely does. & if it does, not for long.
this journey i believe, is never ending.
i aim to have bad moments, weak moments,
happen as infrequently as possible...
but i know as long as i am alive on this earth,
they will occur.
but now, i am better prepared & equipped to stand steadfast,
regardless...

i talk to myself, to God ... a lot!
i talk through my feelings & perspectives constantly.
when fran mentioned not addressing our real feelings for too long,
it resonated with me.
because sometimes i get so distracted with the world,
that i forget to conversate with myself...
i need this time to work through my thoughts,
determine them and my feelings, something like an update.
as things happen, our minds and perspectives need constant updates, renewals, retouches, etc...

more and more, day by day, literally, i get the opportunity to show out.
to believe, even if that means going against all this negative energy that seemed to meet me that day,
that this too shall past, & before it, through it and after it,
i was, am, & will continue to be awesome & more than enough. :)

checking in with myself ...

so i had written this post previously,
to describe this cycle feeling i keep experiencing.
not being efficient, because i'm not feeling it ...
but feeling it even less due to the lack of efficiency taken place.
do you see how i could be the cause of my own problem,
& at some point, I have to take this initiative,
to go against the feeling of complacency,
and fear of failure, & realize there is immeasurable value in my efforts,
even if they only produce lessons and experience.

the post was to work through thoughts,
& feelings,
& meet some concrete answers & direction,
in terms of what i want,
what i can do,
& what is keeping me from it.

more than anything ...
i get a comforting feeling of appreciation & gratitude.
i realized a lot of my guilt was produced by false standards.
we get so caught up in what we haven't done,
& all the 'damage' that has been done because of it.
& the world telling us,
that really by 30,
you should be very close to some groundbreaking piece of work or invention...

the world gives me this sense of urgency,
that i should be doing all i can,
at this very moment. & if i don't,
i am deserving of nothing.
it produces unsatisfaction & selfishness.

but i love where i'm at.
the opportunity & spaces God has created for me.
these environments that open my eyes,
test my creativity & efficiency,
test my resilience & confidence,
i am so overwhelmingly grateful...
& i don't want to rush that.

by no means do I feel i've mastered all my current roles,
so why do I hate myself for not being in a place,
i'm still getting ready for?

i'm learning to treasure the process,
even more than I had before.
...because i've been in this place before,
& no doubt, i will meet it again later in life,
in the midst of some next transition.

i'm seeing more the value of small goals,
little commitments that turn into good habits.
& there are things I want to obtain,
achievements i want to accomplish,
that sometimes seem too big and farfetched,
but i am trusting in my journey,
the things that have already happened,
& all of the dreams i'm believing for. :)

subconscious : from enemy to friend

when you think about what life has made of your sub-conscious,
all these barriers that need to be broken,
...just for you to live, ...to be able to respond,
instead of always reacting to life. it irritates me like, wtf.

as i've grown older i am constantly confronted with my own issues.
perspectives, habits, insecurities that i've acquired
due to some uncontrollable situation
that decided to happen to me.

i hate that there are ways i want to be,
things i want to do, ...that i can't, ...at least not right away.
not until i address whatever would be keeping me from that.

it is not easy for me to maintain relationships,
to be in a place that is accommodating for friends and family when they have needs.
when they have the desire for my company, my companionship,
i constantly have to readjust myself to be comfortable.
...to not be paranoid, or automatically defensive.
or to not go on overdose people pleasing mode to the detriment of our relationship.

i often associate working and productivity with a lack of freedom.
do you know how detrimental this is?
do you know how many times i have shorted myself due to this illogical,
damaging, manipulative sub conscious concept.
i am literally at a place in my life where i am constantly fighting myself with this.
...where it will take an apocalypse to happen just for me to initiate a session of work.
i hate that. i hate that i have to waste so much time reminding myself this is really what i want,
even if my mind can't make full sense of it.

a session of marietv made me think of this.
it was q&a tuesday, & a reader expressed the unwillingness
of her sub-conscious to get on board w/ her conscious & ego mind,
regarding making progress within her business.
sounds. like. me. all. the. way.
& then she mentioned constantly guilt-tripping over it,
being her own worst enemy.
all. me. again.
i got teary-eyed.

this process of re-training your subconscious,
it's a natural direction to take when you want something really bad,
even if we're doing it subconsciously.
i constantly introduce my mind to scenarios, logic, examples...
to remind it, that this is what we want,
& we have what it takes to get it,
& we will do what it takes to get it,
& we will get it.
..but what this video has partially helped me realize,
was that i can make this a practice.
retrain my sub-concious on purpose.
understand that this is my goal when i'm working my mind,
& that i am investing in a process,
& my progress is inevitable.
this video helped me realize this is actually an effective approach,
a practice i can commit to. just giving myself new thoughts, specific ones,
and validating them.
ones concerning my work ethic,
concerning my fears,
concerning my self & relationships w/ others.

instead of approaching my subconscious w/ irritation,
& resentment for all of its secret methods,
i will approach w/ appreciation & reverence.
my subconscious is meant to be a tool,
not an enemy.
throughout my being,
a cohesive belief will be that we desire all of our interests,
to be God influenced. & that He will carry us & sustain us,
therefor fear is unnecessary.
we believe that we can achieve all God has meant for us,
& that will not cause us harm or seclusion or failure & emptiness,
but that it will aid in us being a beacon of light through God,
that not only sustains & inspires us,
but that serves as a source of hope for everyone around us.

I have posted this youtube session of MarieTV on my lifestyle blog.
I like MarieTV.
I don't always agree with her & 'self-help' methods in general,
because most of the time, they don't take into account God's truth,
which is for me, the ultimate truth.
but these tactics and approaches, & this knowledge is valuable.
when used in a way that is cohesive to what we know about God,
& His Kingdom, & His Truth for us, it just strengthen's the gears.
helping you to utilize what God gave you to the maximum ability.
It can help strengthen your relationship w/ God,
& with yourself in relation to the rest of the world.

ConfessionSessionSeries : the finale reflection

I started confession session like a month & a few days ago.
i finished. did all 40 confessions, 2/day, for 20 days. :)
back to back. no biggie.
a reasonable service.
but i had no finale. not yet, until now. lol

it was important for me to present a finish,
not directly for you, but, in the sense that,
i really needed it too. a time to reflect,
because for me, this is just as much as a learning experience.
as i'm writing it, i'm living it, trying, trying, trying, over & over.

& recently what has stood out to me the most,
'...is that it's never too late'
getting caught up in the guilt, the stress, the distress,
the desire to give-in, ...can sometimes over take us to the point,
that we feel soo undeserving, so much so it dulls our wills to even try.
but no. more than ever. no matter how unnatural or illogical it might feel,
i know it is worth it to give effort, to put forth,
even if i didn't, just a moment before,
if i feel i can now, just do it.
..... all of that's kind of broad, i know, but it is a generalization of how my
perspective & effort are evolving.
hey, even this post.
it's late.
my series ended Tuesday i think.
i had a deadline by Friday, mid-day.
it's currently Sat afternoon. ;)
just keep going. & there is reason to remain happy about it.
excited, expectant, knowing that your spirit & heart is real.
& that God is your spirit's & life's overseer. :)

confessions help me keep that. always. at the forefront of my mind.
they help keep my spirit lively, receptive & bold.
they keep away guilt, shame and fear,
& they are constantly refilling me on hope, love & joy, to give...

because of that significance,
it was inevitable that i share,
eventually. lol.
it's so powerful, so overwhelmingly real,
& for everyone.
fueled by the Origin of Love, for you!
there are so many things we don't yet understand,
& learning all of that is a process.
but initially; know that you're loved,
by the Creator of Love, Himself,
& that no other love is truer & realer & pure
& powerful & unconditional, as that.
& through your journey of growth, & realizations,
you will come to know the truth & the depth of the truth.
& confessions are necessary for your journey.
for you to know who you truly are in the face of adversity,
will be necessary. confessions. confessing who you are,
& what that means for your life, consistently, writing that onto your mind,
onto your heart, illuminating your spirit,
it manifest the transformation God has for you! :)
so that you may know who you truly are,
even in the face of your most powerful adversary.

what happens when you repeat. receiving faith.

i'm finally listening to my insides, 

when it gives me a lovefaith topic, 

to share thoughts about. 

i think this will be some what of a series, between this blog & my other, averyashlay.com. 

this entry focusing on how i feel about faith confessions in general, 

& others about specific faith confessions & what they mean for your life. :)

posts full of life and love. #amen. 

confessions. 

we hear about the power of confessions constantly. 

about the affects of what you constantly confess. 

we don't really listen though. we don't apply it. consciously. 

because regardless of if you're aware of it or not, 

you're confessing things over your life & others constantly.

if you really comprehended the power of spoken words, 

would you make more of an attempt to change it?

if you realized how much you've hurt your own self by the things you've already confessed over your own life, 

would you invest the time and focus into the process of changing it?

I have this list of confessions i received from my church. 

it takes bible verses God made as promises and writes them in a form 

you can easily read over your life. 

for example. 'I am Healed by His Stripes' (1 Peter 2:24)
the truth in this verse, makes this statement real and true if you decide to take it for yourself, 

but do you understand, you're the one who has to take the promises. 
God gave them, but you have to receive them. that is your action. your belief, which activates the realness. 

God did this for you. He has givin you answers and solutions. He has givin you promises and forgiveness. take it. feel love. know it. your only reaction to receiving something so real, so pure, so undeserved, is to spread it. :)

the treasure in youth

there are things we once believed,
things we believed could happen,
happen on our behalf.
there are things are hearts were capable of having compassion for,
things our eyes saw the beauty in,
a time where there was no limit in our minds,
and sometimes the 'unreal' could mix with what's 'real'

since when did we decide,
what's best, based on our limited logic.
when did we decide we've learned all that we need,
& our perspective is perfect and poised?
why don't we want to believe in more, for more,
for your creator, for yourself, for the world.

something about my preferences and perspective remains 'childlike'
& sometimes a feeling attempts to creep up on me,
saying i'm kind of a underdeveloped, immature creep because of it.
but more and more, with more strength behind my belief,
i know that's not true. & that i rather have it, than not.

i want to believe, that people can change,
anyone could change, the power does not have to escape them,
even though i know, some will not.
i don't want to feed off another's anger or fear,
but always be a beacon of light,
full of fearless love, and skill.

i don't want to base my character my perspective,
off the actions of another.
my moral is not compromised by our inevitable human flaws.

i want to find joy in anything,
derive hope and love from anything.
i want the 'little' moments to always be enough,

i want my imagination to be capable of running wild,
i want it to be a tool,
for hopes and dreams, for comfort and creativity.

there's the youth that gives you time,
we treasure it because we fear its departure.
but there's that youth that can stay with you as you grow,
a perspective of hope and excitement,
that will keep us in all these ass-hole moments of adulthood & responsibility,
that allows us to remain our true-selves,
unhindered by the shiftiness of fear.

#hiphopconfessions // jeezy // seen it all

'i hope my hustle don't offend nobody, 

but i could give a fxxk what you think about me, 

you know i like to turn up at the spot, 

act a fool with the money, og told me keep it lowkey....'

can we talk for a second about hiphop?

because for some reason i don't bring it to this forum, 

half as much as it is a topic on my mind. 

it's easy to personally conversate about, 

i mean, that's usually how it happens...

session-ing with the homies, 

heard some of that new jeezy, & the homie got that. 

run that. 

& then boom. 

gah damn. 

i'm about to download this shxt rah now. 

new car music. asap. 

or you'll plan to exercise, anxiously, 

just to have that new quarter block bumping through the headphones. 

it's something about jeezy, 

something God gave him, 

that made him my rap soulmate. one of few. 

i like what he does, and how he does it. 

i like what he gets hyped about, 

i like his standards, and can relate to his recklessness. 

his alter ego, lol, seems similar to mine. ghetto fabulous. yes. 

i like his growth, i admire his time in the game. his ups and downs, 

i never denied, that jeezy does it like i like it, pretty much all the time. 

this seen it all joint, y'all know that joint is a classic right?

not just because jeezy's rap game is clearly always getting better, 

his flow, his beats, the relationship between the two, 

jeezy understands how to deliver. cohesive quality. 

but his content, where it's coming from, 

all he's been through. wwwwhhhhhaaaaa

#jeezytaughtmehowtoball. 

no. really. 

who does hype beast music better. 

'...all a nxgguh talk about is bricks & birds, 

chinchilla shxt nxgguh, his & her's..."

idc. you can say what you want. 

this is personal, this is an opinion. 

you don't have to feel me. idgaf. :)

but this classy ghetto nxgguh is consistent, 

his decisions, his actions, his dirt, his content, 

he kept going, mad of you nxgguhs counting him out...

that record label bullshxt, 

day one homie bullshxt, 

social politics bullshxt, 

rap beef bullshxt, 

jail bullshxt, 

family bullshxt, 

.....don't matter. 

with jeezy too for me, it's not always how he says something, 

even though, usually, he always makes it sound so good, 

it's what he's saying. 

it's some fxxk nxgguhs out here, please excuse my language, 

that say some real shifty shxt in they raps,

stuff you don't want to be associated with by any means, 

the opposite of thorough nxgguh shxt. uhm. 

keep that. 

me and gee over here, ballin out. 

"...the gawd in this bxxch, the mj of this shxt, 

& you can tell these nxxguhs mike home."

pushing the wrong bounderies

you ever think you're more like the devil than you ever thought?
that you show signs and symptoms of behavior that led him to where he is.
feeling like an invincible rebel, knowing better, but choosing the fall.

we pride ourselves on being able to separate,
unable to relate,
stealing the right to cast judgement on another,
justifying our selfishness.

even that,
that method,
defense mechanism,
it's not righteous. lol.

& yes, we should separate,
but not by the doing of ourselves,
but our association, dependency,
on our Father in Heaven.
acceptance of that truth, for ones self,
that new creation is new, made differently and set apart.

but assessing our lust for casting judgement is not the aim of this.
but rather actions that result from our self-righteous thinking.
our desire and belief that we should please ourselves.
and rationalizing our actions with our own dense limited logic.

and sometimes, we get too smart for our own good.
too confident for the moral that keeps us alive,
puts breath in our bodies,
keeps us even though our falls are inevitable.

and how many times you get to that place,
how often, and how easy it becomes,
to the point, that 'your' way is the right way,
you will cause your own demise.
that point is unknown.
& how close to it we get, do we even know?
...until

wild moments

i want you to see,
my insides and how they're affected.
i want you to see my heart beat,
speed up.
i want you to see the dreams,
my mind conjures up.
i want you to see my spirit,
come alive, for all the right reasons.

i wish that was all there was to see,
if you had the chance of seeing me, from the inside out.

live your belief

"evil will flourish when good men do nothing."

i saw this the other day.
of course it hit home, unfortunately.
oh how i love to be reminded to step out of my comfort zone,
trust God and walk in faith. -_____-

ssooo many times,
my strategy is to be low.
kind of maneuver around,
instead of intentionally interacting.
it shields me from the opinions of others.
but it also holds me back,
waters me down a bit.

this is also applied to my perspective too.
i become neutralized to certain things.
attitudes & indulgences. bad habits & ignorance.
from me and around me.
we get so used to how things are,
the way things have become,
that we settle in not going against the grain.
we keep a lot of ish inside, keep it personal to us.
those ideas & perspectives you keep inside of you,
the visions you've had, or messages you've gotten from what lives inside you,
things not so easily placed in society.
i mean maybe i'm alone on this. lol. & that's fine.

i haven't figured out the ideal approach.
i don't even know if you can have just one approach,
to everything that could be considered,
or if it should happen on a case by case,
where you don't compromise your attitude or your behavior
for the sake of comfort.
voice your opinion, politely.
we need different perspectives, constantly.
demonstrate your beliefs through your actions & lifestyle,
unwaveringly.

none of us are obviously perfect,
& as long as we are alive in this life,
we will never be.
but no one is expecting you to be perfect,
but to just try anyway.
& you will fall short, but believe & know,
you are covered,
& that your mistakes will never have the power to make or break you,
but the effort you put into being real, fearless, & faithful that will carry us.

because as real authentic individuals,
we have an obligation,
to be an example of that.
to illustrate that amongst all tragedy,
there is still a reason to be real,
to have a standard, to be better. :)

somewhere in the middle

anyway, i say all that, to say this.

i'm still trying.
i'm getting better.
& sometimes it still blows my mind,
that if i take a step back,
& look at my timeline,
that i ended up here.
that i could be doing the things i'm doing,
taking risk, stepping out on faith,
over and over and over and over again.
& it just keeps happening,
not much time to stop & reflect,
because something else,
that requires your faith, your boldness,
is before you.

i can't even begin to attempt
to describe to you what that means to me,
at least now.
but damn.
& sometimes you get so caught up,
focusing on mistakes,
that God makes so minute,
that we don't even realize,
how we came through.

but man,
i'm still learning,
about balance.
how to balance priorities,
how to balance relationships & my perspective in them,
how to balance dreams and faith, and love and learning.
gah damn. :)
lol. thuglife.

i find myself asking for forgiveness everyday.
from other people,
from myself,
from God.

but we can't focus on the stumble,
we acknowledge, respect it,
take responsibility, build resistance,
we grow a little stronger,
& we rest in that,
find comfort and closure in that,
& stay confident in your ability to remain a gee.
because it's not about the 'tragedy' but your response.

so i'm currently somewhere in the middle of all this,
of learning it,
& applying it for my self,
over and over,
in all the situations it could all be applied.
& sometimes i'm resistant, rebellious, foolish,
but eventually, i come out on top. always.
because God always pulls me up. always.
so sooner than later, this issue, won't be an issue.

how it's working

y'all should just get used to this.
this is how it's going to be for now.
i'm committed to so many things,
& some may see that as this awful thing,
but for me, i'm pretty sure that's just life. :)
& that's okay,
but things will have to rotate priority.

i didn't create this space for the desire to promote myself,
i created it out of need.
when things get so worked up,
worked up, worked up, worked up,
& then boom.
something inevitable happens. :)
& this space helps me rationalize,
it helps restore my perspective.
that is why i have this,
or pretty much anything.
it naturally serves some purpose that helps keep me going.
& that's awesome.

but it's not scheduled.
it happens when it happens.
when there's this overflow,
or a need for discipline in myself,
or etc...

so just know when you're getting it,
you're getting something real.
& that's awesome.
God works out the rest.
for now, that's how this is working.

the pain or the prize

i do think about the wrong things a lot.
even if i'm not necessarily thinking bad thoughts about those things,
the time dedicated to them is the real danger.
& what's not getting my attention due to this.

i usually don't like to be transparent,
while i'm in the midst of a battle,
more after i've overcome, that
i see the benefit of sharing, being a source,
to identify with.
but transparency within the battle is important.
showing others how you persevere, flaws & fall.
because we've all fallen on our face.

but my journey be kind of sticky, icky,
a little messy sometimes. lol.
i'm so far from perfect in my own self,
& sometimes i lose touch with the God in me,
sometimes strongly in a moment,
or gradually over time.
it just depends,
on which one of my demons
has the strongest hold on me,
at that time.

i'm embarrassed by that.
that sometimes i'm irrational or b*tchy,
i can be thirsty & nasty,
i can be cold and secluded,
& i can hurt a lot of people,
my self mostly,
& disappoint God.
we can grieve Him you know...

when i focus on my pain,
i lose sight of what i've been hoping for,
not all the lovely stuff that comes with it,
unfortunately i always see that,
but what I get to build to get there,
what my life sets a foundation for,
i forget how incredible that is,
how incredible God can make that,
& what that will mean for me and my team. :)
it's worth it! but, when i focus on my pain,
this world gets to wrap me up.

i've been focusing on my pain,
my mind has manipulated it a bit,
sometimes it's not so obvious,
but i've definitely taken a forty year journey,
to learn what could've taken forty days.
& i can't say i've figured it all out,
by no means, have i come to this ideal perspective,
where everything makes sense,
& i can protect myself inevitably from
hurt feelings, and fear,
but i do trust God,
in my weakness,
i will rely on Him,
to carry me,
regardless of who's watching.

sudden change of thought.

i think...maybe i think too much.
so often i obsess over situations, people, things ...
thinking that because it happened,
because it's actually associated with my life...
it has a right to hold up so much space in my mind.

like, if i'm not actually thinking about what i've done,
or hadn't done....
what would i actually be thinking about....?!

this is all very new to me,
creepishly sudden.

i came here to reflect on something that had happened,
trying to find the right thoughts to dwell on concerning it,
irritated a bit that i needed that,
& then suddenly realized,
maybe i didnt really need to devote any thought process to it.
i mean, there would be no harm in thinking about it none at all...
the only harm would come from over thinking,
leading to over analyzing,
making up sh*t that's not really there,
& then being all dramatic with it.
Looorrddd, thank you for this epiphany.

excuse my lack of poetic words, sentences and stanzas,
i'm kind of overwhelmed with relief.
i will definitely follow up on this,
in a more cohesive, complete write up.

but this is pretty raw,
pretty awesome.
this blog, and my desire to write,
led to this realization,
& immediately changed my subject focus.
you're a witness to divine greatness.
the mechanics of God worked through me.
hallelujah.

as for that previous situation,
we're just going to leave it at what it was...
rest in God's best with it. :)

friend vs. foe

because look,
isn't it one thing to understand & accept severe human flaws from individuals,
and another to invite them into your personal life.

why associate with people you can't trust.
you can't trust them to not speak about you maliciously,
in their times of weakness.
you can't trust them to be loyal, when faced with snakes.
you can't trust them to have your best interest at heart,
when they're unhappy with their own circumstances.
you can't even trust them to be honest about their shortcomings as a friend,
because that would be admitting fault, & God forbid they admit to vulnerabilities.
too much pride, but pride of what?
the lack of a real individual you managed to become.

i hate the idea that i'm just being bitter,
which is why i'll always attempt to assess myself.
but i can't find a neutral perspective or place for people that consistently can't be trusted.
what value are you to me?

i even find disgust in myself,
which fuels my desire for change.

i want my friends to feel as if they can rely on me.
if they feel concern by a comment or action,
that they feel comfortable enough to tell me,
before assuming, & then acting on their assumption.
i want them to believe they can confide in me,
& worry not that i would use their secrets to my own advantage,
for something as small as 'making conversation'
when really, it's creating gossip.
i would like for them to think that if i knew information concerning them,
their well-being, their relationships, etc ...
that i would tell them.
i want them to know they are a priority,
and that i would sacrifice for them.
that i value their presence,
& all the joy it adds to my life.

i mean, am i trippin?
is that too much to ask?
are my expectations too high?
because yes, i've been told that before. ;) lol. smh.

and then honestly, even if they are....
I DON'T CARE !!
i rather have one real friend,
then hella mis-guided, cowardly, integrity-lacking, delusional people around me,
who serve no purpose.
i don't need people strictly for 'social-settings'
people there only to have fun with...
i have fun by myself.
& i'll sacrifice the occasional 'turn-up'
until i'm able to surround myself with more
responsible human beings.

people who take responsibility for their life,
themselves, their words, and their actions.
people who stand by their character and integrity.
or at least make an attempt to.

new keys. new doors.

i'm kind of rushing.
it's just that i want to finally make progress on this.
before i forget.
especially because, even if it doesn't always feel like it,
it's a monumental time.
but because this is somewhat so significant to me,
i don't want to rush.
i feel like i need time to gather my thoughts,
& create a focus,
or i could just be stalling.

i'm moving!
i've been praying, sowing, believing.
for a break. Heaven's favor,
to rain down & reign over my situation.
& it has.
my circumstances are ideal.
not the end to all means,
the journey by no means stops here.
but it is a new chapter.
& i should be happy yes.

but, i can't say i'm anymore happier than i was previously.
i attempt always to make it a point,
to always be happy, regardless.
this though, does bring me pleasure.
reassurance, that God is actively working.
He is for me, and instead of working against Him,
We are working together. Or more like,
me actively always believing that He has already gone before me,
& made my paths straight and desirable.

but, the devil is always at work.
& the more given, the more expected.
& with that, to be totally honest,
although going back is not an option,
i move forward with a bit of hesitation.
because i am fully aware of the bullshxt life can bring.

this truth though, also brings excitement.
because these circumstances simply allow,
God to show out more than He ever has in my life,
for where there is evil, there Grace abounds much more.
this isn't just some religious folktale for me,
some deep quote meant to produce short-lived hope,
just to be forgotten about later....
it is my permanent circumstance.
it is what i count on. completely.

i've had these moments before.
these completely gut-wrenching situations,
that produce anxiousness ...
but everytime, i've stepped out on faith,
what has been produced, was far greater than the risks itself.
so why would i run and hide from this,
can i finally look these moments in the eye, and smile.
running that shxt like a thug. :) relentless. :)
my faith is always bigger than my fear.
the story my life continues to produce.
in Jesus name, amen. :)