devestatingly honest

sometimes. 

i don’t know how to be happy.

i am filled with disappointment,

filled with fear.

good cannot live here. 

thoughts defeat me,

and my character is destroyed.

blinded in a darkness,

that chokes my breath. 

i am filled with distress.

and all this loss.

comes out in tears.

i get scared, 

because in these moments,

i don’t want to live.

& i hate myself,

for not being able to maneuver,

in this world,

with other people,

who are not my enemy.

i can admit that.

the problem is not them,

it is me.

i can’t hold onto the victory long enough,

and i let everything go,

my hope and my goals. 

after that, nothing is what’s left.

currently giving into distraction

something is really wrong with me.
because i have reached a point of complacency.
there always exist this point,
where i have exerted all the energy,
i have left.
similar to fxxks,
as i stop giving them.

i see these beautiful things,
and these beautiful creations and collaborations 

& i feel like they must not be like me.
i bet they never get tired.
or they plan their tired, 

delegate a portion of time,
to doing nothing.
why can't i delegate my time.
why can't i be as disciplined.

on paper it seems as if i'm doing a lot,
as if i'm working towards a dream,
that i'm leveling up, 

but in reality,
it always feels as if,
i'm not doing enough.
not enough for my education,
not enough for my work,
not enough for my writing,
not enough for my blogging,
not enough for my creativity,
not enough for my advocacy, 

not enough for my God,

not enough for my church,
not enough for my man,
not enough for my friends.

some of it is drama,
plagued with exaggeration,
and some of it is natural,
worthy of respect and acknowledgement and compassion,
but i cannot tell the difference,
i cannot tell you,
how much of it is my own fault,
compared to what's expected from reality.

will i ever be better,
i cannot tell.
my faith says yes,
my fear says hell no.
but what i do know.
is fear has no place here,
so even still,
in the midst of all this confusion,
what effort i do give,
is not for nothing.
even when it makes no sense,
i will replace fear with faith.

what are feelings for?

what are feelings for?
are they something other than what we think?
a misunderstood trait, altered & manipulated to work against us?
if they are being used for evil, they were first once meant for good.
because good proceeds evil in all things.
good feeling, heavenly feeling, what is your true nature?
where does your purpose lie?

feelings resemble waves.
flowing in and out and through life.
controlling instead of being controlled.
laying claim to our time, to our thoughts.
in another space, could you be tamed?
can i be so decisive about what i feel that it manifest before me?

i feel orange, with ruffles and a hint of sparkle.
i feel love, loyalty, commitment.
i feel provision constantly.
i feel wisdom always.
i feel, therefore it is.

why can't i control my feelings & instead they control me?
who let this flood of confusion, masquerading as feeling into my body?
deciding what you feel can be a choice. can i have it?
i'll know why, i know why i'll feel peace,
why i'll feel compassion, why i'll feel love,
feel pink, sparkle and waterfalls,

i'll feel limitless.
i will feel these things so strongly,
that in everything, i'll feel love.

because in feeling lies power.
can it be reclaimed?
where feelings could motivate action &
we wouldn't have to work against ourselves.
denying the waves of feeling that go against our duties.
as a daughter, as a friend, as a neighbor, as a provider, as a pillar of peace. 

why would i care

why do i care so much about pleasing you,

when you will just do what you want to. 

even at the expense of us,

with a disregard for me.

i don’t deserve effort?

i don’t deserve discipline?

i don’t deserve respect? 

or maybe sometimes,

but only you get to decide. 

how can you be the head

when you possess no brain.

...because you must be stupid.

to taint life with death,

to bring rain into our sunshine,

to think you could still have,

what you gave away,

when you gave into yourself,

instead of giving into us.

why would i care at all about pleasing you