Standing Apart

When I was young I used to write about romance. Infatuations destined to fail that weren’t deserving of my attention or my efforts. But yet they remained the subject of my heart. 

Now I choose to write in a much more abstract way. Digging down to the root of the moment the desires that push us, the conflicts that keep us apart and why they are so. The tendencies of human nature. 

I believe we may attract similar brokenness we ourselves feel when choosing our companions, friends and lovers. And although it is easy to recognize and criticize in others, do we consider that maybe their brokenness is a reflection of ourselves?

If that’s the case, then our pride in what we see as righteousness is false and needs to be dismissed. The superiority we gain only exists to deceive and separate us from our community. How then do we address the obvious ungodliness that exists amongst us and in us?

Of course just recently, I wrote a note on a bible verse I highlighted during bible study. 

“And if anyone does not obey our word in this epistle, note that person and do not keep company with him, that he may be ashamed. Yet do not count him as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother.” II Thessalonians 3:14-15

A guide to how we should approach others in our community. Always making the value of community a priority. 💕

Then I also realized, that Christ never denied who He was. Although humility was always His character, He stood firm in His identity, being that He was the Son of the Almighty, to whom all of earth and heaven was given. Though He came to serve, He was the key to our existence, our prosperity, our wisdom.

Therefore, we can recognize our imperfections without denying our identity. We can acknowledge someone else's brokenness, and understand that it is a reflection of our own, while also understanding that it does not define or bind us.

That is the difference between them and we. For they may choose to deny their weaknesses, seeing no need for prayer and change. And we, we work diligently to see Christ as our reflection. To not let insecurity drive us to spite and fear drive us to deceit. In that truth we have strength and can continue to hold our head high. And although the world may regard us as weak, it is only for a moment.

somewhere in the middle

anyway, i say all that, to say this.

i'm still trying.
i'm getting better.
& sometimes it still blows my mind,
that if i take a step back,
& look at my timeline,
that i ended up here.
that i could be doing the things i'm doing,
taking risk, stepping out on faith,
over and over and over and over again.
& it just keeps happening,
not much time to stop & reflect,
because something else,
that requires your faith, your boldness,
is before you.

i can't even begin to attempt
to describe to you what that means to me,
at least now.
but damn.
& sometimes you get so caught up,
focusing on mistakes,
that God makes so minute,
that we don't even realize,
how we came through.

but man,
i'm still learning,
about balance.
how to balance priorities,
how to balance relationships & my perspective in them,
how to balance dreams and faith, and love and learning.
gah damn. :)
lol. thuglife.

i find myself asking for forgiveness everyday.
from other people,
from myself,
from God.

but we can't focus on the stumble,
we acknowledge, respect it,
take responsibility, build resistance,
we grow a little stronger,
& we rest in that,
find comfort and closure in that,
& stay confident in your ability to remain a gee.
because it's not about the 'tragedy' but your response.

so i'm currently somewhere in the middle of all this,
of learning it,
& applying it for my self,
over and over,
in all the situations it could all be applied.
& sometimes i'm resistant, rebellious, foolish,
but eventually, i come out on top. always.
because God always pulls me up. always.
so sooner than later, this issue, won't be an issue.

new keys. new doors.

i'm kind of rushing.
it's just that i want to finally make progress on this.
before i forget.
especially because, even if it doesn't always feel like it,
it's a monumental time.
but because this is somewhat so significant to me,
i don't want to rush.
i feel like i need time to gather my thoughts,
& create a focus,
or i could just be stalling.

i'm moving!
i've been praying, sowing, believing.
for a break. Heaven's favor,
to rain down & reign over my situation.
& it has.
my circumstances are ideal.
not the end to all means,
the journey by no means stops here.
but it is a new chapter.
& i should be happy yes.

but, i can't say i'm anymore happier than i was previously.
i attempt always to make it a point,
to always be happy, regardless.
this though, does bring me pleasure.
reassurance, that God is actively working.
He is for me, and instead of working against Him,
We are working together. Or more like,
me actively always believing that He has already gone before me,
& made my paths straight and desirable.

but, the devil is always at work.
& the more given, the more expected.
& with that, to be totally honest,
although going back is not an option,
i move forward with a bit of hesitation.
because i am fully aware of the bullshxt life can bring.

this truth though, also brings excitement.
because these circumstances simply allow,
God to show out more than He ever has in my life,
for where there is evil, there Grace abounds much more.
this isn't just some religious folktale for me,
some deep quote meant to produce short-lived hope,
just to be forgotten about later....
it is my permanent circumstance.
it is what i count on. completely.

i've had these moments before.
these completely gut-wrenching situations,
that produce anxiousness ...
but everytime, i've stepped out on faith,
what has been produced, was far greater than the risks itself.
so why would i run and hide from this,
can i finally look these moments in the eye, and smile.
running that shxt like a thug. :) relentless. :)
my faith is always bigger than my fear.
the story my life continues to produce.
in Jesus name, amen. :)

new expectations.

that stuff that use to work before, doesnt work the same now.
& that stuff i use to get away with, i wont get away with now.

when you know more, your required to act like it.
putting your flesh in check with your spirit.

sometimes this can take years to do.
i'm tryna be cold turkey.

you vs. them

my perspective is changing. my desire. with people.
I love people. the things theyre capable of. the creation God designed.
our souls that fill us are a beautiful thing. divine design.
(while my heart can't fuel anything that isn't the truth, I have come to live peacefully in this war.
no judgements, no hate.
but my eyes belong to the Lord, & he monitors my hearing.
so I shall see things as they are, not as I wish they could be.
and I apply Gods way. because that is the only way.

so while my friends are still my friends.
either for ME, they are not the same,
or what friends are FOR, is not the same.
I am my own, only in control of my own.
my relationship with God, my progress,
it is only my own.
my spirit cannot dwell in another person,
another can not share what God is to me,
Except one.

being my whole,
my all,
...this is important. when it comes to 'friends' at least.
because if we dont share what the biggest most important thing is to me,
then how much can we really share.

my immediate reaction is to separate,
unoffensively.
...but this isn't about the physical situation,
but how I cope internally to a massive revelation.
something so significant previously, basically
changes immediately.

is this what he was put here for.
is he the motivation to separate from the storm.
a companion for the trial.
because he's the one person God gave me,
so bluntly, ...perfectly.
God flows through him, endlessly,
pouring directly & indirectly,
revelations, directions, obedience.
teaching of faith, patience,  & dedication.
a lesson in sacrifice.

as well as my prosperity, my abundance,
my grace & my favor.

because we share the same spirit,
the one connected to our Father.
& in us we believe the same things,
we learn the same things,
we're receiving the same things.

pre-designed.
our entire existence,
our entire relationship.

but he takes up a lot of space,
not leaving room for anyone who cannot meet the standard.
so them, they are at a distance,
but still seen with the Lord's eyes.