something radical

i wanted to come here before my computer falls asleep to start this. 
at least. because it is so important to me. 
and the habit of forgetting that, is getting old. 

how many times will i forget, 
that i am made up of words. 
God's words. towards me. for me. 

they tried to update blogger while i was away. 
nice try, but try harder. 
anyway, grateful for this medium regardless. 
simple. straight to the point. 

i made a voice note recently, 
about a moment that happened while I was praying. 
a shift in perspective, in not only what I was praying for, 
but also in my approach to our Father. 

Ultimately it had to do with asking and believing for something, 
that may or may not work within the law that our Father has established for this time. 
Because I was praying for someone else and I don't know their relationship with the Father. 
and for some reason I felt that whatever that relationship was, would affect the answer to my prayer. 

But when Jesus healed one at the request of another, 
it was never the faith of the sick that was questioned. 
(in some instances, the sick were dead.)
Jesus healed on account of the one asking. 
the father, the sister, the brother. 

we should never let pre-judgements take up room in our prayers for other people. 
it is not Godly, it is not how Jesus moved. 
i know that my Father is a Healer and wills for us to be and live healed. 
everyone! & I know that regardless of the circumstances, the miracles of my Father
will be a testament to His love and faithfulness, 
bringing glory to the Kingdom. 

sometimes it's so hard to live in the truth of God, 
because it is so different from our worldly way. 
but when we sit on a verse, a truth of God, 
& focus on it, dwell on it, meditate on it, day and night, 
think of it in relation to everything else thought of,
because the truth of God is the highest truth, nothing else is truer, 
that Word becomes a part of you. 
it becomes apart of your dna and changes you. 
changes things around you. 

our Father brought me here to tell me this, 
because i myself am changing. 
and it is my legacy that motivates that change daily. 

living God's truth relentlessly, is radical. 
it takes true intent, patience and boldness. 
it is unlike anything else, 
but it is your born again right to live in that power. 
and you can do it, and you will do it. 
and you are doing it right now. 

in the name of Jesus in which i live and breath. amen. 

the testimony of a failure.

it's a bit of a challenge for me to even start this.
considering where i start, how i start,
the places my spirit has been,
the lessons i've learned,
the realizations that i've had.

ultimately, i'm in a better place than i was a few weeks ago,
a few months ago,
a few years ago.
i truly hope you can say the same.

however, for a short time, i didn't feel like it.
i had felt the worst i have ever felt in a very long time.
this time, not at the hands of another,
but at my own.
that sense of failure is the worse.
when you feel that you are the cause of your own demise,
that you don't have what it takes to get where you 'need' to be.

it was important for me to write this for a few reasons.
one. to share my testimony of failure.
honestly, a huge part of my purpose is to overcome. as proof that it can be done.
two. for myself. to put into permanent words that i am in this uncertain and unfamiliar circumstance but yet, it still does not define me.
that at the same time i am living through something so undesirable,
i have so much to be thankful for.
to realize my own power is not all that matters, but that the gifts that God gives me through other people are just as significant and glorious.
truly very humbling.

i pride myself on being self-sustainable.
and even as i type those words i realize there is so much wrong with that statement.
pride is a farce.
a fake force we use to stand upon that ultimately will never do anything of value for us.
it is not how we or this world were created.
and self-sustainable? what a joke.
it is one thing to be lazy and to rely on others for everything with no intention of giving back,
and it is another to walk around as if you actually made yourself.
as if you thought of yourself before the creation of the earth.
as if you birthed yourself.
we literally must rely on the selflessness of another to be born.
and that is not a burden, but a gift.
therefore to realize that we were created to need help,
to work with others,
to give and to be given unto
is not a negative trait or weakness,
but actually a great strength.

i feel the tears coming now
as the spirit of God leads me through this post.
i usually always tend to know what i want to write,
but God always leads the words i use,
establishes the points that are made,
lays out the truths that are revealed.
He is truly the author.

i don't want to get too specific about the failure i've experienced.
for while i regard these words as personal while still open to having them read by the public,
there are some i wish i could actually block.
and i do not have enough strength as of yet,
to be vulnerable with those
i truly do not personally prefer.

but know, that i would be categorized as ambitious.
and career accomplishments mean a great deal more than they should to me.
and in one of my greatest and most challenging marathons, i have 'failed'.

failed is in quotes, because honestly, it is subjective and objective at the same time.
i literally did fail the challenge, but my failure has aided in my success in so many other areas of my existence that God would find much more important.
and realizing that was another challenge.
a challenge that i am winning at.

my dad reminded me of something a few days ago,
that a true test and showing of character are our actions when we fall.
so while it was tough getting back up. so so tough.
especially after truly wishing i were dead instead of alive,
believing that i wasn't worth the ground that i was walking on,
feeling unworthy of all the blessings i had received and was still receiving,
after some time i still got up.
i am still thankful.
i still feel blessed.
i still feel like i'm the shxt.
i still feel that God created me on purpose,
and that i cannot be faded.

on top of that,
i still receive opportunities to do what i've always wanted to do.
my cup is still overflowing,
and God has been there every step of the way. 

so honestly, i must ask God for forgiveness.
not for doubting His existence,
but doubting His provision and love for me.
for undermining His purpose and believing that me and my life must have been a mistake.
the thoughts i thought, the words i spoke, the feelings i allowed myself to feel
were a disservice to me and all those who cared for me.
i shut people out, i wallowed in my pain and found joy in my demise.
it was selfish, shortsighted and ignorant.
i let the enemy convince me that all God had done for me meant nothing.
i let myself believe that all God had helped me accomplish thus far was a joke.

it's funny. i 'pride' myself in seeing the value of community. lol.
and i turn my nose up at elitism.
but when it comes to myself, i let the very truths i preach, do nothing to lift me up.
some of my mentees reached out to me that weekend, unknowing of the tragic circumstance,
to tell me how much i meant to them.
my life long friends reached out to me repeatedly so concerned with my well-being, also not knowing the circumstance.
my parents still had the audacity to be proud of me even though i felt as if i let them down.
my mentor still saw value in me, my colleagues still wanted to collaborate with me.
i had to dig deep into the Word of God to seek understanding only to find it and establish an even greater relationship.
i am looking at myself from the outside in to see the most accurate perspective of my life and my circumstance and what i see, i am still in love with. <3

do you value integrity?

(disclaimer. this post was inspired by frustration. lol)

i guess i can’t blame people for sacrificing integrity for the sake of community. 

God would say community is more important.

but for some reason, i can’t excuse my desire to be real all the time. consistently.

to mean what i say all the time, not just when it’s convenient for a certain audience.

my community may be smaller, i may be less attractive for certain types, 

but that seems to me to be a good thing. even if it doesn’t ‘feel’ like it all the time.

but who really suffers? i guess it just depends on where your importance lies.

you shake and jive for the people that surround you at the moment, 

just to talk badly about them when you’re with another.

honestly, isn’t it exhausting?

idk, i guess i can’t judge. 

we all handle the burdens of life differently. 

but it seems that a lack of foundation,

is only a breeding ground for confusion

and harvest doubt in self and God.

ultimately, a lack of faith. 

i’ve had my fair share of ups and downs

and hard lessons due to impatience, desperation and stupidity.

but ultimately, i’m always better than i was before.

in a better position than i was in before.

in a place where God won’t let my mistakes harm me, but uses them to teach me.

my dedication to truth has paid me well. 

i hope whatever you’re doing is working for you.

Take Your Own Advice

i wish i could be poetic,

but the best way for me 

to articulate the truths i’m realizing,

is to speak them how they come. 

my life is the one i’m most intimate with,

but i know enough to know,

that the feelings and fears i face

are not isolated thoughts

directed only towards me

but shared by many, with the goal to defeat.

we can work so hard

and come so far

and win so many battles

and still face fear.

because after one goal

there is another.

even if that goal is only

to maintain a peace that cannot be shaken.

here i am,

facing another goal.

a goal so big

i forget the ones i’ve already conquered.

& here i am, 

surrounded by circumstances of fire

that while although uncomfortable,

scary, and blinding,

can be used to refine me,

enhance me, make me better than before.

when we see this in others

it is easy to tell them to keep going.

it is easy to see that this trial will not last,

and all winning takes is commitment.

the action of not stopping, action to keep going.

it’s a marathon not a race we say.

but for ourselves

that truth can often seem so far away. 

we forget that we’re built to last

and begin to believe

that we’re destined to fail.

no matter how many wins you claim

this fear will always attempt to meet you,

attempt to prevent you from taking the next step.

but then i saw a person

who felt down on their luck.

their passion was real,

their heart was good,

but they felt their circumstances 

were instead, to be the death of them.

they couldn’t catch a break they said.

success wasn’t meant for them they said. 

& i believed wholeheartedly

with not one doubt in my heart

that there was a light at the end of their trial.

it was easy for me to see

that all they had to do was keep going,

keep believing.

& i knew it was worth it to do so.

& then i took those thoughts for myself.

& i looked at my life through a different lens,

an outside one.

and i could see the win so clearly

& begin to believe wholeheartedly

that the brightest light was at the end of my own tunnel. :)

Standing Apart

When I was young I used to write about romance. Infatuations destined to fail that weren’t deserving of my attention or my efforts. But yet they remained the subject of my heart. 

Now I choose to write in a much more abstract way. Digging down to the root of the moment the desires that push us, the conflicts that keep us apart and why they are so. The tendencies of human nature. 

I believe we may attract similar brokenness we ourselves feel when choosing our companions, friends and lovers. And although it is easy to recognize and criticize in others, do we consider that maybe their brokenness is a reflection of ourselves?

If that’s the case, then our pride in what we see as righteousness is false and needs to be dismissed. The superiority we gain only exists to deceive and separate us from our community. How then do we address the obvious ungodliness that exists amongst us and in us?

Of course just recently, I wrote a note on a bible verse I highlighted during bible study. 

“And if anyone does not obey our word in this epistle, note that person and do not keep company with him, that he may be ashamed. Yet do not count him as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother.” II Thessalonians 3:14-15

A guide to how we should approach others in our community. Always making the value of community a priority. 💕

Then I also realized, that Christ never denied who He was. Although humility was always His character, He stood firm in His identity, being that He was the Son of the Almighty, to whom all of earth and heaven was given. Though He came to serve, He was the key to our existence, our prosperity, our wisdom.

Therefore, we can recognize our imperfections without denying our identity. We can acknowledge someone else's brokenness, and understand that it is a reflection of our own, while also understanding that it does not define or bind us.

That is the difference between them and we. For they may choose to deny their weaknesses, seeing no need for prayer and change. And we, we work diligently to see Christ as our reflection. To not let insecurity drive us to spite and fear drive us to deceit. In that truth we have strength and can continue to hold our head high. And although the world may regard us as weak, it is only for a moment.

open eyes 👀

i recognized something today,
something that i've already known,
but have consistently pushed to the back of my mind.

i realize
the enemy has used the things i like,
to replace the things i love.

distractions are an essential tactic
of the enemy.
to keep you from purpose,
from peace,
from prosperity.

trials can arise un-welcomed feelings.
shame, defeat, inadequacy.
and those feelings confront me now.
i want to believe what God says,
which is so strong in my heart.

that trials reveal courage,
and produce strength.
they also open eyes and minds
to previously hidden truths,
about ourselves,
& about our God.

i'm so grateful for this moment,
to be writing these words,
fulfilling this purpose.

but i'm in the midst of uncertainty and chaos.
and feeling peace,
seems irresponsible.

i've been through enough,
and am too familiar with the negative confronting me,
to know that my Father would never forsake me.
that every low is only temporary,
and that God is always many steps ahead of me.

so in this, what i have seen,
is that the world's "peace"
brought upon by a false sense of security,
in the things we believe the world has given us,
is deceiving us.
and peace is not money or certainty in our own ability,
but in our Father,
and the truth that He is always with us,
always working for and in us,
regardless of what our circumstances look like.

i previously called 2020 the year of breakthrough,
for other reasons,
but i'm seeing more now.

so i choose to defy the enemy,
and be happy in his face.
be grateful,
and positively expectant.
i will not take the fear he is trying to hand me,
and i won't just look at my now,
but at all the wins God has handed me.

a year of breakthroughs

the feelings i carry are strength and power.

joy with good expectation.

gratitude for my holy community,

provision from my Heavenly Father. 

we feel protected and happy,

with knowledge that together in Him,

we could never lack. 

i have changed my life for the better,

and leant on my faith to do it.

the light, i couldn’t see at first,

fear and resistance was all i felt.

but i remembered the pain i felt in my heart

& the prayers between me and the Father,  

& i continued on,

as we had discussed.

packing up my stuff & my heart 

knowing that leaving,

was better than staying.