inadequacy.

so yesterday,
i had this mini mental breakdown.
& while its power is diminishing,
little remnants are still present.

i adore my job,
i adore even more,
being able to do my job well.
when my expectations aren't met,
it's no one else's fault but my own.
because if i was as good as i should be,
then i would always be up.
& although logically, i can assess, that that's not true,
in my mind when it happens,
even now,
it doesn't matter.

so naturally,
as one thing begins to lead to another,
i start to feel incredibly inadequate,
in all things.
especially when it involves being loved by another person,
specifically relationships.

when the person i adore,
is a person i admire,
because of his drive,
his accomplishments,
someone i see as capable,
of possessing everything he desires,
where possibly could my inadequacy fit into that?!
it doesn't.
how could someone like that,
want someone as inadequate as me?!

that. is the icing on the cake.
after that, i completely separate myself,
because my stability is shot,
and my worth has completely diminished…at least in my mind.

buut, wait for it, that silver lining.

(…now this instance is a bit specific,
more specific than usual for this blog,
but things like this happen to me constantly.
God using the universe to remind me,
of who i am, and how He works,
& that there is no higher power than Him.)

i've been following this women #KateNorthrup for a few weeks now, and she is a specialist in money management.
today, i decided to watch her FinancialFreedomFriday video on Net Worth & Friends.
focuses on the damage of comparing your lives to others,
& instead, how you can use someone else's success, as a positive for your own life. smfh.
perfect timing.
it's surreal, how these things fall into my lap. but i am forever grateful,
for these moments, that reassure my hope is not in vain,
& that my self worth is not equivalent to my net worth.
even though high net worth is in my financial future !! :)

defining times.

I want to remember these moments I am so closely acquainted to hopelessness.

These moments where the easiest & hardest thing is to give in to your fears.

Welcome to the death of your spirit.

This is what selling your soul to the devil is like. 

Turning over your thoughts, your emotions, imaginations & will
to fear and despair. 

Complete worthlessness.

These are the moments we must remember.

Because we aren't the only ones who come so close.

To death within life.

We must offer up our most vulnerable times, 

To the ones who need them.

Who need are significant moments,

To use as a foundation.

Because we were where they are once,

& we kept going.

Even though we could see no rhyme or reason

Blinded by weakness

We kept crawling.

Because God promised we always had a reason to. 

bang!

"i was taught, even when it's tough, chin up ninja." -skeme

this moment is here, because it's inevitable.
these solitary moments, where time slows down for me,
and i can do what i choose.
reflect on what i choose,
make whatever assessments i choose.

i can choose to be satisfied,
or disappointed.
i could love the person i am,
or be disgusted.
i can be straight forward and honest,
or i can take the long way around.

these moments can be dangerous though,
depending on what i choose to focus on.
if i begin to take things out of context,
overly desire something before its time.
i can become ungrateful and selfish.

then....since my focus is already on the worldly,
i desire a worldly recovery.
outlets i've always known,
even if the outcome is no longer suited for me.
it's hard not to desire those things,
those old coping mechanisms,
at least without feeling bitter.

but there, there's the challenge.
because if your denying yourself,
& hating life while doing it,
then there is no point.

the point is to find joy,
through the uncomfort.
to believe the best,
even though,
you would find temporary satisfaction,
in believing the worst.

at least, that's how it is for me. 

here i am. :)

my analysis of who i've become. a reflection of sorts i suppose, of who i think i am.
my own opinion i want to stress.
because i have known to have been wrong before.
& i think our own reflection of who we think we are, is inevitably distorted.
i rely solely much more so on prayer.
because people, including ourselves as individuals,
are essentially unreliable.
no one will take all the way care of you.
at some point, you must be able to rely on your own backbone,
the one that God strengthens.
& you must receive from Him, all the things you need to prosper within this world.
let the drought happen around you, not to you.
….because regardless, it will happen.

i wish i could give you some groundbreaking knowledge,
as to how to become the person God intended you to be,
…the best version of yourself.
but all i've figured out so far,
is that it is different for everyone.
it is not something you can manipulate,
to have it happen your way,
under your terms,
within your time frame.
but it must happens as it wills,
as time and surroundings allow.

but don't miss the point,
being that you are to stand steadfast.
that regardless of what is happening around you,
what is within you stays focused,
stays motivated,
continues to believe that there is purpose,
that the hope you have,
will never be in vain.
& there is no mistake you can make,
or tragedy that can happen,
that can reverse that.
the win, it is inevitable. :)
xoxo, ash.

this isn't a game.

sometimes i forget,
that only i can do what it is that i do.

we shouldn't feel threatened by our surroundings,
our peers,
because if you're being true to you,
no one can do what it is you do...
or how you do it.
i rest in that fact.
it eliminates fear.

i rarely spend time,
thinking about survival.
...strategies to stay relevant.
because there is only so much you can do on your own.
& honestly your efforts in that, are nearly irrelevant.

i mean, what i'm saying doesn't apply to everyone,
because i'm operating with God on my side,
while others are fighting against God.
attempting to do everything themselves,
not letting God act on their behalf.

but considering the circumstances in which i'm operating under...
i feel like this becomes less of a game, 'because i could lose that'
& more like life. :)

sh%t happens

i should be careful of what i say,
writing down thoughts,
makes them permanent memories.

but i'm feeling bold,
& honestly i think this is good.
thoughts i'm uncomfortable with,
but pushing through them.

frame of reference.
i get used to an atmosphere,
specific circumstances....
& then things change,
for the better.
& i maneuver, gladly.
& get accustomed.

then, things change again.
for the worse.
where the f#*k has my frame of reference gone?
can't even seem to remember, what encouraged you to make it.
can't feel that which made you believe you could.
so now, you feel foolish, that you ever thought you could...
that you even came this far....

but then you realize,
that even if you don't know how, you did.
you have made it this far,
even under those circumstances that seem so foreign to you now.

so really,
i'm like f%*k those thoughts that tell me i'm being silly,
for believing in a dream,
counting on it even...
because i'm here now,
& that in itself is a thousand miracles.
& while circumstances change,
sometimes for what seems like the worse,
God's working. Jesus is for me! :)
i can literally... never lose!

my companion

i am going to puush this out,
because i want this.
i want this bad, and i want it now.
& i'm the only thing that would keep it from happening.

i don't much like redundancy.
i only want the best version,
and everything else is irrelevant.

unfortunately in relationships that can't happen.
this hesitation exist,
as i make you the madness behind this movement.
because the idea,
of you simply falling into a template,
makes me nauseous.

but i planned ahead.
& while i was giving love to another previously.
i made the choice to do so,
with full consciousness.
so regrets can be kept to a minimum.

& since then i've accepted,
that this is just how i work.
my admirers become my subjects.
not exclusively,
but they do happen to liven up this space,
quite often. :)

& that anyone lucky enough to fill that spot.
should feel privileged,
as i feel,
that they get a dedication spot,
in my safe haven of words..
simply because i'm pretty particular about my shit. :)

oh. hello patience. :)

these delay's & hiatus' aren't any good.
we get so accustomed to being away,
we forget how to be here.

i feel that way about so many things right now.
God, writing, munchkin, besties. lol.
but being bitter isn't a good feeling,
and neither is guilty.
how then, do you approach it?
how do you come back like you never left?!

i'm moving.
sometimes backwards,
left, right,
but mostly forward.
& to me, what more can i ask.

i wish i was better.
i wish i had all the right answers.
i wish i knew where a decision would lead me, before i make it.
but i'm not, and i don't.
i'm just here, a little better everyday.
& that makes my heart happy.

more than anything,
i'm learning how to get along with 'patience'.
so much so, that we're becoming good friends.
because my life is completely humbling. lol.
all the time.  o_0
& i've realized it's not so much about what i can do for myself.
but what i will believe, and let God do through me.

so i'm here.
& all of this amazing substance in my heart,
leads me to believe,
that God had and has amazing plans for me.
so that regardless of where i'm at,
& what my situation or circumstances are like,
i'll never be without, i'll never be short,
because God is all i ever really had and all i will ever have.

in Jesus name, amen. :)