devestatingly honest

sometimes. 

i don’t know how to be happy.

i am filled with disappointment,

filled with fear.

good cannot live here. 

thoughts defeat me,

and my character is destroyed.

blinded in a darkness,

that chokes my breath. 

i am filled with distress.

and all this loss.

comes out in tears.

i get scared, 

because in these moments,

i don’t want to live.

& i hate myself,

for not being able to maneuver,

in this world,

with other people,

who are not my enemy.

i can admit that.

the problem is not them,

it is me.

i can’t hold onto the victory long enough,

and i let everything go,

my hope and my goals. 

after that, nothing is what’s left.

currently giving into distraction

something is really wrong with me.
because i have reached a point of complacency.
there always exist this point,
where i have exerted all the energy,
i have left.
similar to fxxks,
as i stop giving them.

i see these beautiful things,
and these beautiful creations and collaborations 

& i feel like they must not be like me.
i bet they never get tired.
or they plan their tired, 

delegate a portion of time,
to doing nothing.
why can't i delegate my time.
why can't i be as disciplined.

on paper it seems as if i'm doing a lot,
as if i'm working towards a dream,
that i'm leveling up, 

but in reality,
it always feels as if,
i'm not doing enough.
not enough for my education,
not enough for my work,
not enough for my writing,
not enough for my blogging,
not enough for my creativity,
not enough for my advocacy, 

not enough for my God,

not enough for my church,
not enough for my man,
not enough for my friends.

some of it is drama,
plagued with exaggeration,
and some of it is natural,
worthy of respect and acknowledgement and compassion,
but i cannot tell the difference,
i cannot tell you,
how much of it is my own fault,
compared to what's expected from reality.

will i ever be better,
i cannot tell.
my faith says yes,
my fear says hell no.
but what i do know.
is fear has no place here,
so even still,
in the midst of all this confusion,
what effort i do give,
is not for nothing.
even when it makes no sense,
i will replace fear with faith.

what are feelings for?

what are feelings for?
are they something other than what we think?
a misunderstood trait, altered & manipulated to work against us?
if they are being used for evil, they were first once meant for good.
because good proceeds evil in all things.
good feeling, heavenly feeling, what is your true nature?
where does your purpose lie?

feelings resemble waves.
flowing in and out and through life.
controlling instead of being controlled.
laying claim to our time, to our thoughts.
in another space, could you be tamed?
can i be so decisive about what i feel that it manifest before me?

i feel orange, with ruffles and a hint of sparkle.
i feel love, loyalty, commitment.
i feel provision constantly.
i feel wisdom always.
i feel, therefore it is.

why can't i control my feelings & instead they control me?
who let this flood of confusion, masquerading as feeling into my body?
deciding what you feel can be a choice. can i have it?
i'll know why, i know why i'll feel peace,
why i'll feel compassion, why i'll feel love,
feel pink, sparkle and waterfalls,

i'll feel limitless.
i will feel these things so strongly,
that in everything, i'll feel love.

because in feeling lies power.
can it be reclaimed?
where feelings could motivate action &
we wouldn't have to work against ourselves.
denying the waves of feeling that go against our duties.
as a daughter, as a friend, as a neighbor, as a provider, as a pillar of peace. 

why would i care

why do i care so much about pleasing you,

when you will just do what you want to. 

even at the expense of us,

with a disregard for me.

i don’t deserve effort?

i don’t deserve discipline?

i don’t deserve respect? 

or maybe sometimes,

but only you get to decide. 

how can you be the head

when you possess no brain.

...because you must be stupid.

to taint life with death,

to bring rain into our sunshine,

to think you could still have,

what you gave away,

when you gave into yourself,

instead of giving into us.

why would i care at all about pleasing you

power in community

my mind has a tendency to take things too far. 

i make a mistake, 

…because people make mistakes, 

and suddenly, 

i’m not deserving of life. 

suddenly all of my short comings

come racing to the front of my mind, 

trying to ‘remind’ me 

that i’m a disappointment, 

a waste of talent, 

disillusioned by my own conceit. 

but wait, 

there’s a kicker, 

because while i’m falling further and further

into despair by deceit, 

the power of God has to be tucked somewhere, 

somewhere away and deep, 

so that it doesn’t save me 

from this fake misery, 

slowly turning real. 

because in order for my mind to be completely taken, 

and in order to make myself into my own worse enemy, 

you have to attack the faith

i’ve so diligently built up until now. 

so what happens to it?

how does it become null and void?

well, in the process of blaming myself, 

for everything bad in life, 

i begin to feel undeserving. 

(as if, all that Grace and Mercy and Love God gives me, 

He some how does because I deserve it. LOL….)

& even though i’ve never deserved it, 

this hollow space i’m currently in, 

full of blame and bitchassness, 

has me feeling that God has abandoned me, 

due to my lack of efficiency and wasted value. 

what. a. place. to. be. in….

and then it only gets worse, 

and continues on and on, 

making everything miserable, 

isolating me from my community, 

because my affection has turned into annoyance

and I am slowly projecting the things that i feel, 

negativity, cynicism and selfishness. 

but today, something different happened. 

today i decided to talk about my mistake 

as soon as i made it, 

i begin to talk out how it made me feel, 

and the repercussions i knew to expect, 

from feeling so insufficient, 

and i kept talking, 

and literally, 

talked myself out of it. 

it’s as if all the bullshxt could not happen, 

because i had already deemed it, 

null and void. 

i’ve had experiences with this before, 

but at this time and this moment, 

it was a sign of something, 

God consistently reminds me of, 

that community. is. everything!

this is big for me because at times, 

i resent community. 

i resent not all being on the same page, 

i resent natural human interactions; 

insecurity, jealousy, pettiness, inauthenticity 

i can love you from a distance, 

but having to work closely, 

where your feelings affect progress, 

or my feelings affect my politeness, 

it’s. a. big. no. for. me. dog. 

but this is my challenge. 

this is my area of uncomfortable

that i must step up too and face head on. 

because community is everything. 

and for every compromised moment, 

a member of your community ushers in, 

they usually have many that illustrate

joy, selflessness, empathy, support, etc. 

you have to take the good with the bad, 

because the bad helps cultivate the good. 

we can use our reaction to negativity 

to fertilize the good we’re trying to grow. 

but we are the activators that must turn 

bad to good. 

& if we think, 

or i think, 

that i am above 

having to communicate with and support

unperfect people, 

i will never come into the fullness of my potential, 

i will never see the most magical parts of me, 

that God intended to grow in me. 

I would stay stuck full of resentment, 

fighting against the one thing

that I need to grow, 

grow wisdom, patience and effectiveness. 

having that small chit chat helped give me

hours and days of my life back. 

that conversation with a member of my community, 

who also from time to time, 

severely gets on my nerves, 

saved me from wasted moments of depression. 

i could never deny that power of solidarity, friendship and community. 

i’m praying that i never try to again. 

2018 ressurection day

happy easter y'all.
i was wondering how i would demonstrate my love for easter today.

my church and i have been going through a transition phase,
and attending just didn't spark the inspiration that it usually does on holidays.
so i decided to by pass attending and instead watch it online.

and although i'm growing,
in both knowledge and wisdom,
sometimes my growth feels like i'm leaning away from God,
and more on myself.
and for me, that's tragic.
because if that's true, it will only last for awhile,
but God's guidance and protection last forever and never fail.

but then i realized, that my steps of growth,
have been ordered by God.
i lean less on God regarding trials i'm familiar with,
and more on the larger trials that come my way.
mo money mo problems.
God wants me to grow in strength and knowledge,
because that in an of itself is a testimony to His majesty.
the trials i've been through, to get where i'm at,
i would not be here if it wasn't for the grace and mercy of God
that supplements my insufficiencies.
because in an of myself, i could not do what i've done!

even as i sit here, sitting in bed,
my life could either be categorized as shambles,
or as a testimony to the power of God's peace that He gives me,
through His son Jesus, who has given His life,
so that I may live mine with God and Him in it.

the IRS is trying to come for me.
i'm behind on assignments in school.
my employees at times are unpredictable.
my boyfriend is away in another country.
i need my brakes done, but I just bought a new purse.
mind you, my last check went nearly to all bills.

but these trials, i've seen them before.
and the wisdom God has given me,
about my priorities allows me to place the most weight,
on the fact that i'm still here, and that I still keep going.
my family and my partner are my support system,
Christ is my overseer.
i'm at peace because I believe in the power that Christ has afforded me.
i am not phased, i am motivated, i am hopeful, full of holy expectancy.
this is the greatest gift.
that even though everything does not seem ideal,
it is getting better daily.
better in ways beyond my imagination.

this is my 2018 easter and i am so grateful.