wild moments

i want you to see,
my insides and how they're affected.
i want you to see my heart beat,
speed up.
i want you to see the dreams,
my mind conjures up.
i want you to see my spirit,
come alive, for all the right reasons.

i wish that was all there was to see,
if you had the chance of seeing me, from the inside out.

live your belief

"evil will flourish when good men do nothing."

i saw this the other day.
of course it hit home, unfortunately.
oh how i love to be reminded to step out of my comfort zone,
trust God and walk in faith. -_____-

ssooo many times,
my strategy is to be low.
kind of maneuver around,
instead of intentionally interacting.
it shields me from the opinions of others.
but it also holds me back,
waters me down a bit.

this is also applied to my perspective too.
i become neutralized to certain things.
attitudes & indulgences. bad habits & ignorance.
from me and around me.
we get so used to how things are,
the way things have become,
that we settle in not going against the grain.
we keep a lot of ish inside, keep it personal to us.
those ideas & perspectives you keep inside of you,
the visions you've had, or messages you've gotten from what lives inside you,
things not so easily placed in society.
i mean maybe i'm alone on this. lol. & that's fine.

i haven't figured out the ideal approach.
i don't even know if you can have just one approach,
to everything that could be considered,
or if it should happen on a case by case,
where you don't compromise your attitude or your behavior
for the sake of comfort.
voice your opinion, politely.
we need different perspectives, constantly.
demonstrate your beliefs through your actions & lifestyle,
unwaveringly.

none of us are obviously perfect,
& as long as we are alive in this life,
we will never be.
but no one is expecting you to be perfect,
but to just try anyway.
& you will fall short, but believe & know,
you are covered,
& that your mistakes will never have the power to make or break you,
but the effort you put into being real, fearless, & faithful that will carry us.

because as real authentic individuals,
we have an obligation,
to be an example of that.
to illustrate that amongst all tragedy,
there is still a reason to be real,
to have a standard, to be better. :)

somewhere in the middle

anyway, i say all that, to say this.

i'm still trying.
i'm getting better.
& sometimes it still blows my mind,
that if i take a step back,
& look at my timeline,
that i ended up here.
that i could be doing the things i'm doing,
taking risk, stepping out on faith,
over and over and over and over again.
& it just keeps happening,
not much time to stop & reflect,
because something else,
that requires your faith, your boldness,
is before you.

i can't even begin to attempt
to describe to you what that means to me,
at least now.
but damn.
& sometimes you get so caught up,
focusing on mistakes,
that God makes so minute,
that we don't even realize,
how we came through.

but man,
i'm still learning,
about balance.
how to balance priorities,
how to balance relationships & my perspective in them,
how to balance dreams and faith, and love and learning.
gah damn. :)
lol. thuglife.

i find myself asking for forgiveness everyday.
from other people,
from myself,
from God.

but we can't focus on the stumble,
we acknowledge, respect it,
take responsibility, build resistance,
we grow a little stronger,
& we rest in that,
find comfort and closure in that,
& stay confident in your ability to remain a gee.
because it's not about the 'tragedy' but your response.

so i'm currently somewhere in the middle of all this,
of learning it,
& applying it for my self,
over and over,
in all the situations it could all be applied.
& sometimes i'm resistant, rebellious, foolish,
but eventually, i come out on top. always.
because God always pulls me up. always.
so sooner than later, this issue, won't be an issue.

how it's working

y'all should just get used to this.
this is how it's going to be for now.
i'm committed to so many things,
& some may see that as this awful thing,
but for me, i'm pretty sure that's just life. :)
& that's okay,
but things will have to rotate priority.

i didn't create this space for the desire to promote myself,
i created it out of need.
when things get so worked up,
worked up, worked up, worked up,
& then boom.
something inevitable happens. :)
& this space helps me rationalize,
it helps restore my perspective.
that is why i have this,
or pretty much anything.
it naturally serves some purpose that helps keep me going.
& that's awesome.

but it's not scheduled.
it happens when it happens.
when there's this overflow,
or a need for discipline in myself,
or etc...

so just know when you're getting it,
you're getting something real.
& that's awesome.
God works out the rest.
for now, that's how this is working.