clueless

whoa nellie, that's how i'm feeling right now.
this post is going to be topical. meaning focused on a specific topic. lol.

there are some things i have to experience,
before i truly understand them,
or understand an age-old concept about them.

it's bazaar that some truths remain truths forever.
characteristics of people, or certain traits attributed to men or women.
old history and old text constantly confirm,
people were bazaar and self-harm inflicting then, & they are now as well.
this can be taken in a serious perspective,
but it can also be taken in a humorous one.

i never actually thought i would be the dumb girl,
in the old rom-com movies i watched as a child, and a teen.
all the game i had spotted growing up,
was sure to keep me from getting played.
but it's nothing like actually being there.
experiencing the feelings and thoughts that drive undesirable situations into existence.
women and men have been feeling and thinking those things for centuries.

some things have become cliches,
because they are nearly inevitably true.
not everyone is the same, there are exceptions, always, that's a gift,
but, it can be said, that a lot of women have relatable experiences with one another,
because the problematic man/woman scenario has existed also, for centuries.
& the women's submissive status has been perverted by men in every part of the world.

i say that to say, i thought it was kind of funny,
that at the current moment, i can look at my 'romantic' life,
and spot so many fxxking cliches. lol.
'rebounds' especially sorely stick out,
and how dumb you can be when experiencing them.
not realizing that you have all of these open and active emotions,
from your past relationship, that are pouring into and clouding your
judgement with this new dude.
& you're just sitting there wondering,
'why do i have all the feels for this guy,
is this God', no bxtch, it's you, being reckless.
impatient and ignorant.
but look,
i wouldn't know if i didn't do it. lol.
sometimes i have to be stupid that way.
not condoning this,
just being transparent.

i felt all those 90 and early 2000 movies flooding into my memory,
about how guys are deuschbags, and girls are too feel-y, too fast.
& then even some of the super ratchet ones, where i could make a decision,
'was i going to be about that life, or not' (crying face emoji here)
nah, not over here. at least not right now, & hopefully not ever.
i had a taste & i'm not with the shxts.
& guys, will take you out of your character,
dangling fake love in front of your face,
as if that's not corny.
special place in hell for you bro,
you better repent.
open your fxxkin eyes.

anyway, the world keeps turning.
i'm just going to get a better handle on that shxt.

even when it's dark.

i wrote the post that is to follow, in september,

but things can move so fast in life, 

& although one day you're feeling the victory, 

other days, not so much.

mad shxt got in the way between me writing this, 

& eventually posting it. 

even now, I'm not so sure. 

I mean, what it says is true, 

but am i currently feeling ideal about life...

lol, no. 

but that strengthens my desire to post this, even now.

because it be when I'm in the trenches, 

that I'm feeling the boldest. 

______________________________________

It's amazing what God can do. 

my last post, 

was a piece of transparency.

I chose to lay out the insides of me, 

in an effort to understand my own frustration, 

as well as be a resource for anyone,

who could remotely relate. 

I don't usually share my pain, 

as it happens in the now. 

too many distractions, 

too much opportunity being given, 

for something to be used against me.

usually, I'm too vulnerable in the midst of darkness. 

too close to fear to let anyone in. 

but i think I had just had enough. 

& I refused to be scared after all that I had accomplished.

even if the world was so set on breaking me, 

I could no longer be timid. 

I realized my value, my worth, my ability...

nobody could take that away from me. 

but the place I'm in now, 

compared to where I was, 

just a few months ago...

only God could do. 

I knew that God turned my losses into wins, 

I knew that everything that was taken from me, 

had to be returned. in excess. 

I knew that I was Gods, through Christ, 

and that His purpose is to raise me, 

take me high, 

bless me and use me. 

just a quick short list, 

to add physical details, 

to the manifestation of Gods glory in my life. 

I was promoted way up at work, 

along with a hefty raise, :)

steadily becoming an expert in my field. 

I'm in law school now, part time,

& I love it. 

my new apartment, is flourishing. 

& so are a lot of people around me. 

&&& that's just the short list. 

I'm constantly being challenged,

but when you know you can't lose, 

because the creator of the universe has already set you up to win, 

you embrace the opportunity to become better,

to grow, evolve, to give and to share. 

I am a product of Christ. 

my life is solely dedicated to Him,

& in Him, is everything good! 

still standing in darkness

i wrote this on paper first.
when i am fueled from the inside out,
but unsure of the purpose i'm looking to fulfill,
sometimes it is easier that way. (disclaimer)
______________________________________________

going to start writing this here (on paper),
rather than on the computer,
because my mind is entertaining
so many thoughts,
& i am unaware of how i truly feel.
a little shitty probably.

not because God has forsaken me,
but because this world, this society,
works so hard to diminish my value,
& that is shitty.

i've invested so much into a purpose,
& while it was not purpose-less,
as God uses all things for the good of me,
& His purpose for me,
the world will take you, eat you,
& produce nothing for you.
this world will steal your harvest.
the devil has stolen my harvest.

but,
with faith, through faith, in faith,
in the truth that Father God has established for me,
through Christ, my brother, my savior, my king,
the devil has set me up real good.
obligated to pay me,
all that he's stolen from me,
a gagillion times over.
abundantly.
overflowing.
more than enough.

this is the truth that i know.
this goes beyond my feelings,
this is my spirit.
my mind & body...will follow.

so in the time being,
how shall i proceed?

because my mind constantly requires that i check it,
to dismiss thoughts fueled by
fear, anger, bitterness & destruction.

my body has to be forced
out of complacency,
to continue to toil,
although no win, can be physically seen.

people still talk to me,
as if i want to talk.
they still desire my gracefulness,
a smile and respect.
they still desire to take from me.

how shall i proceed?

i'm no longer battling fear,
as to what will happen to me.
my battle is with patience,
to keep peace in a place fueled to keep burning me.

surroundings that will continue to see me,
as less than human,
less than the queen God has made me,
has declared me as.
i'm still expendable,
a punching bag,
a free resource unworthy of,
decency & respect.

how shall i proceed?

this is the true fight,
to keep my peace,
that Christ offers me.
no wonder it must be beyond my understanding.
because peace here,
in this space,
is worldly unfathomable.
worldly peace could not live here.

my joy has to come from the inside out,
produced by heaven,
& it will be the true fight,
to exert it to all.
even those who trespass against me.
because this is what Christ did for me,
although my trespasses against God were many.

there is power in this.
i am powerful.

this calmness Christ has blanketed me with,
is unbreakable.

I am unbreakable
even in the darkness,
all this darkness,
i am unbreakable!

checking in with myself ...

so i had written this post previously,
to describe this cycle feeling i keep experiencing.
not being efficient, because i'm not feeling it ...
but feeling it even less due to the lack of efficiency taken place.
do you see how i could be the cause of my own problem,
& at some point, I have to take this initiative,
to go against the feeling of complacency,
and fear of failure, & realize there is immeasurable value in my efforts,
even if they only produce lessons and experience.

the post was to work through thoughts,
& feelings,
& meet some concrete answers & direction,
in terms of what i want,
what i can do,
& what is keeping me from it.

more than anything ...
i get a comforting feeling of appreciation & gratitude.
i realized a lot of my guilt was produced by false standards.
we get so caught up in what we haven't done,
& all the 'damage' that has been done because of it.
& the world telling us,
that really by 30,
you should be very close to some groundbreaking piece of work or invention...

the world gives me this sense of urgency,
that i should be doing all i can,
at this very moment. & if i don't,
i am deserving of nothing.
it produces unsatisfaction & selfishness.

but i love where i'm at.
the opportunity & spaces God has created for me.
these environments that open my eyes,
test my creativity & efficiency,
test my resilience & confidence,
i am so overwhelmingly grateful...
& i don't want to rush that.

by no means do I feel i've mastered all my current roles,
so why do I hate myself for not being in a place,
i'm still getting ready for?

i'm learning to treasure the process,
even more than I had before.
...because i've been in this place before,
& no doubt, i will meet it again later in life,
in the midst of some next transition.

i'm seeing more the value of small goals,
little commitments that turn into good habits.
& there are things I want to obtain,
achievements i want to accomplish,
that sometimes seem too big and farfetched,
but i am trusting in my journey,
the things that have already happened,
& all of the dreams i'm believing for. :)