what else

you test me in a way that makes me uncomfortable.
you defy all relatable logic.
& enough of us is brand new in my experience,

that i cant do this without help.
you completely require guidance.
but even then.
it. is. not. easy.

i worry about myself.
my own survival.
my own integrity.
my own reputation.
& i constantly think about what i'm putting on the line,
for a preference, turned dream, turned hope,
working towards necessity.

it. is. unreal.
but then again, what is.
i have this idea,
of what i think this should be like.
from what i think i see.
& then what i interpret.
but then again, how unreal is that.

i assess what gives me doubt.
what pulls me away,
& brings the thug out.
it's the pride.
my pride.
telling me of what i deserve,
when i deserve it,
& how.

but then i think on God.
my Father in heaven.
the creator of me. of you. of everything.
& how completely selfless He requires us to be.
& how our pride can be our death.
& how you are my completely, totally, utterly my preference.
& how genuine and sincere i'm being.
with myself when i say that.

so many times i dont know what else to do,
but pray.
ive completely give in
to what's alive within me,
surrounded by a culture,
that's okay with being less.
and then there's you.
& i want you to be my other person.
& that want,
makes me so vulnerable.

i'm not completely sure why you're the one.
but i don't even hesitate saying it.
where does this faith come from? why?
this can be so difficult.
completely frustrating.
even overpowering.
i don't want to deal alone anymore.

thug passion. lol.

it's so easy to stay on the fence. 

give a little, take a little. 

instead of giving everything. 

holding happiness in what seems like defeat. 

looking past the now into an expected future, 

when the now looks so dang wack. 

the grace ive encountered makes it easy to give you up.

for now.

the God i know deserves it. desires it.

but this has also become a test of character. 

to swallow the desire to mourn, to be bitter, frustrated and fear-ful.

to not believe what God has said to me, 

and to be defeated. 

instead, finding the joy perfected by the pain. 

and consistently, constantly acting, talking, thinking, believing in love. 

expecting better than what has already come to pass. 

keeping my eyes on the prize more or less, 

while preparing for the victory. 

praying for you always, 

keeping you close at heart. 

but still far enough.

that my excellence, for now, 

excludes you. 

it's not over. 

& i will remain as if,

it is forever more.