the pain or the prize

i do think about the wrong things a lot.
even if i'm not necessarily thinking bad thoughts about those things,
the time dedicated to them is the real danger.
& what's not getting my attention due to this.

i usually don't like to be transparent,
while i'm in the midst of a battle,
more after i've overcome, that
i see the benefit of sharing, being a source,
to identify with.
but transparency within the battle is important.
showing others how you persevere, flaws & fall.
because we've all fallen on our face.

but my journey be kind of sticky, icky,
a little messy sometimes. lol.
i'm so far from perfect in my own self,
& sometimes i lose touch with the God in me,
sometimes strongly in a moment,
or gradually over time.
it just depends,
on which one of my demons
has the strongest hold on me,
at that time.

i'm embarrassed by that.
that sometimes i'm irrational or b*tchy,
i can be thirsty & nasty,
i can be cold and secluded,
& i can hurt a lot of people,
my self mostly,
& disappoint God.
we can grieve Him you know...

when i focus on my pain,
i lose sight of what i've been hoping for,
not all the lovely stuff that comes with it,
unfortunately i always see that,
but what I get to build to get there,
what my life sets a foundation for,
i forget how incredible that is,
how incredible God can make that,
& what that will mean for me and my team. :)
it's worth it! but, when i focus on my pain,
this world gets to wrap me up.

i've been focusing on my pain,
my mind has manipulated it a bit,
sometimes it's not so obvious,
but i've definitely taken a forty year journey,
to learn what could've taken forty days.
& i can't say i've figured it all out,
by no means, have i come to this ideal perspective,
where everything makes sense,
& i can protect myself inevitably from
hurt feelings, and fear,
but i do trust God,
in my weakness,
i will rely on Him,
to carry me,
regardless of who's watching.

oh. hello patience. :)

these delay's & hiatus' aren't any good.
we get so accustomed to being away,
we forget how to be here.

i feel that way about so many things right now.
God, writing, munchkin, besties. lol.
but being bitter isn't a good feeling,
and neither is guilty.
how then, do you approach it?
how do you come back like you never left?!

i'm moving.
sometimes backwards,
left, right,
but mostly forward.
& to me, what more can i ask.

i wish i was better.
i wish i had all the right answers.
i wish i knew where a decision would lead me, before i make it.
but i'm not, and i don't.
i'm just here, a little better everyday.
& that makes my heart happy.

more than anything,
i'm learning how to get along with 'patience'.
so much so, that we're becoming good friends.
because my life is completely humbling. lol.
all the time.  o_0
& i've realized it's not so much about what i can do for myself.
but what i will believe, and let God do through me.

so i'm here.
& all of this amazing substance in my heart,
leads me to believe,
that God had and has amazing plans for me.
so that regardless of where i'm at,
& what my situation or circumstances are like,
i'll never be without, i'll never be short,
because God is all i ever really had and all i will ever have.

in Jesus name, amen. :)