before the comeback.

knowing that you could do,
if God came down and personally asked you to,
is not enough!
do it because you should. the opportunity is always arising.
for you to prove your faith. take it.

don't want to be treated like a child.
but prove you can be an adult.
remember this day, so that you make walk in the release,
of this curse active on you.

big day.
gave into one, while denying another.
help is needed. sometimes more than what you can conjure up.
sometimes what God allows other people to conjure up on your behalf.
that happened to me today.
someone helped God save me. Thank God for her, :)

forgive me. for while I am steady growing.
sometimes, i am steady effing up.
but you know... then i remembered this; Letter 30: your reflection
& refused to cease and desist.

but believe in something bigger than right now.
sowing thoughts of success, because i was born to win.

(excuse the cheesiness!
my vulnerability causes me to be corny!)

<3 comeback queen

ell aye's got that 'comeback'

DTLA. <3

so separated from something I'm standing in. cold world. how am i suppose to flourish in righteousness, with my evil so accessible. how can i avoid the thought of a story, when part of it was already written. how do you tame intensity? this place scares me thinking about all the damage that can be done. is it wrong to want to leave a memory as it is. physical separation makes change impossible. it's that truth that  comforts me, given birth to the desire of relocation.

[Exodus 10:10-11 - Leave the women & children behind.
3. the enemy will convince you not to take anyone with you.]

it's always been in my nature to separate.
i don't handle disappointment well. i evacuate.
sometimes it's about them, sometimes it's about me.
not wanting to be bothered with caring too much.
no patience to endure. just bail.
instead of working, depart. make something new.

you have to be a special kind of person to stay. (or just blind enough not to see.)
the ability to be selfless, because theres something else about you.
something substantial inside you independent of your surroundings.
remains unchanging.

i never use to have that.
so my mood changed when my friends did.
I'll always love l.a for what it was to me. the part it played.
but right now. i nearly hate it.
i don't have the desire to endure, I'm just tryna bounce.
i can't imagine an ending to this story. i can't see a brighter day.
it seems as if he fu**ed up my will yo. no denying.

but he can't alter God's.
& i have to find a way to make none of it about him.
so its become about them, & not so much about me.
at least that's how it seems for now.
because God loves them much more than I do.
more than a problem I've created, or a bad characteristic that I've developed.
more than my fear of hitting the concrete.
& God's love conquers all. so no fear shall exist.

for what's inside me. <3

the monster.
my lsat.
my trip.
the ratchets, <3
hip-hop.
my family.
me.

the repercussions of outside.

what will you allow to separate?
what can get in-between, a pose as a distraction.
that thing that starts off small, and continues to grow.
widens the distance.
what vice will this be?

will you be conscious?
will you be aware of the decision you just made,
to alter your attention?
or will it breath to condem you later?
find yourself with no light,
wondering why your in the dark.

you see, they wont tell you,
but i will.
they beat around the bush like this here.
call it life,  and i guess it can be,
but they make the choice sound inevitable.
as if there is no control.

at first, its yours,
but most of the time we hand it over.
we give our days to our surroundings, our culture.
instead of keeping them for ourselves.
& in the end, thats giving up the win,
turning over to defeat.
there goes the separation.

i do this.
give in to the sunshine outside my window.
instead of the one bright in my heart.
theres that separation.

you see, because the sun outside.
it goes down. giving way to darkness.
this is inevitable.
but your part in it doesn't have to be.
dont give in to that separation.

i wish i could be bigger faster.
wiser now. endure harder.
it kills me. being patient in weakness.
i hate waiting. i hate waiting.
i really hate waiting.
i cant see the benefit, the endurance patience brings.

but i trust in something bigger than me.
& He has given me no choice.
so i take what i have, & hold it close,
as i wait this journey out,
that i am putting myself though this week.
my attempt at closing the separation,
& my faith that He will fill in the gaps.

<3 comeback queen

don't intimidate, be intimate.

intimidation.
the monster

so sticky.
so revealing.
destructive.
can tear down your character.

why.
why does it happen.
why does it affect us.

fuels insecurity
and withdrawal.
motivates us to front.
dissolves our clarity.

makes us want for the wrong things,
as we get lost in the sauce,
leaving our foundation behind,
for the sake of an illusion.

this is realistic.
this demon is alive,
and flourishing.
it doesn't discriminate
it's only preference is for the weak.
which come from every district, every neighborhood.
rich weak, poor weak. smart weak, stupid week.

it kills me.
being vulnerable.
forgetting what is encouraging about being me.
past, present & future.
because of something. not real.
culture & its expectations. its standards.
illusions.

forgetting why my dreams are mine.
& the preferences i've cultivated.
& watching them get smaller,
while others people's thoughts plague my mine.
& then i question. then i doubt. then i conclude...
that i'm not good enough.
so sick.

especially, because none of it's real.
this thing that we give space to in our mind,
that creates these thoughts.
it takes you out of reality, & puts you in this fantasy.
and tells you why you dont fit in,
& these things you need to compromise in order to feel worthy
in an unreal world. -___-

BUT, ... pt. 2 :)

pt. 2. :)

so remember.
all the good things about you.
that arent good because someone else tells you there good.
but because it comes from the truest parts of you.

the good that is cultivated from experiences, 
from lessons learned. 
the good that is a product of endurance.
the good in you that never waivers, 
never gets lost, never becomes compromised.

because even in this fantasy world,
entitled reality,
where they tell you youre not good enough.
that good in you still exist. 

right it on a post it note,
make it your screen saver,
tattoo it onto the inside of your hand,
tell it to yourself every day.
the good in you that has developed.
the good in you that directs your dreams,
& motivates you to keep enduring,
to be the best good that was meant for you to be.

always believe the BEST things.
what do you have to lose...
it's free. :)
& disappointments are only temporary,
existing only to build your character,
to enhance what already exist.
so don't let them discourage.

lol, intentionally this wasnt meant to be a motivational speech.
just an issue i was able to identify and defeat within my own life.
i live in los angeles, o_0. enough said.
& this isnt about me being weak or wack. far from it.
but about being real.
confronting a situation that i refuse to let become all too familiar.
because if your going to rise above your circumstances,
and create the circumstances that you desire,
this process, this growth. this is inevitable.

new expectations.

that stuff that use to work before, doesnt work the same now.
& that stuff i use to get away with, i wont get away with now.

when you know more, your required to act like it.
putting your flesh in check with your spirit.

sometimes this can take years to do.
i'm tryna be cold turkey.

battle of thoughts: higher help.

what does it mean when you don't mind your mistake.
at times, you like it a little too much.

notorious for learning the hard way.
if you can identify it as a mistake,
but it doesn't feel quite like one yet,
keep doin it....
& it will.

my vices have strong holds.
& they don't want to let go.
so they pose as acceptable decisions,
or indifferent actions.
so i let them out to play,
& then they attempt to eat me alive.
with their condemning suggestions.

& i realize i know better,
lock them away,
& then....
they use selective memory.
you remember the good...the bad,
gets lost in the sauce.
& you try again.
only to be reminded of the inevitable outcome.

aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh! o_0
that's how i feel.
fighting a battle i don't want.

a battle of thoughts are the hardest.
convincing yourself you don't want,
what yourself is telling you you do.

to have the will,
to deny yourself,
what yourself wants.

it takes higher help.
i need higher help.
because i have too much to lose,
to have to learn the hard way.