still standing in darkness

i wrote this on paper first.
when i am fueled from the inside out,
but unsure of the purpose i'm looking to fulfill,
sometimes it is easier that way. (disclaimer)
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going to start writing this here (on paper),
rather than on the computer,
because my mind is entertaining
so many thoughts,
& i am unaware of how i truly feel.
a little shitty probably.

not because God has forsaken me,
but because this world, this society,
works so hard to diminish my value,
& that is shitty.

i've invested so much into a purpose,
& while it was not purpose-less,
as God uses all things for the good of me,
& His purpose for me,
the world will take you, eat you,
& produce nothing for you.
this world will steal your harvest.
the devil has stolen my harvest.

but,
with faith, through faith, in faith,
in the truth that Father God has established for me,
through Christ, my brother, my savior, my king,
the devil has set me up real good.
obligated to pay me,
all that he's stolen from me,
a gagillion times over.
abundantly.
overflowing.
more than enough.

this is the truth that i know.
this goes beyond my feelings,
this is my spirit.
my mind & body...will follow.

so in the time being,
how shall i proceed?

because my mind constantly requires that i check it,
to dismiss thoughts fueled by
fear, anger, bitterness & destruction.

my body has to be forced
out of complacency,
to continue to toil,
although no win, can be physically seen.

people still talk to me,
as if i want to talk.
they still desire my gracefulness,
a smile and respect.
they still desire to take from me.

how shall i proceed?

i'm no longer battling fear,
as to what will happen to me.
my battle is with patience,
to keep peace in a place fueled to keep burning me.

surroundings that will continue to see me,
as less than human,
less than the queen God has made me,
has declared me as.
i'm still expendable,
a punching bag,
a free resource unworthy of,
decency & respect.

how shall i proceed?

this is the true fight,
to keep my peace,
that Christ offers me.
no wonder it must be beyond my understanding.
because peace here,
in this space,
is worldly unfathomable.
worldly peace could not live here.

my joy has to come from the inside out,
produced by heaven,
& it will be the true fight,
to exert it to all.
even those who trespass against me.
because this is what Christ did for me,
although my trespasses against God were many.

there is power in this.
i am powerful.

this calmness Christ has blanketed me with,
is unbreakable.

I am unbreakable
even in the darkness,
all this darkness,
i am unbreakable!

Letting God Lead : In-Relationships

being okay with it not going your way.

first and foremost, i’m blessed. 

my life is blessed. 

& sometimes i get selfish & high-strung, 

as if i, solely, am responsible for how blessed my life is. 

& sometimes i begin to think, 

whole-heartedly, 

regarding all things, 

that i know what’s best for me & my life. 

aaahhahhahahaha. 

that’s a joke if i ever heard one.

now look, 

Jesus has turned me into an optimist. 

even when i come across challenges & tragedies, 

i know that God has & will turn it into something amazing. 

my character after experience in living this life, 

is testimony to that fact. 

…this is the basis of why i refer to my life as blessed.

back to me thinking i know how my life should be….

scenario. 

let’s say God gave me a good thing, 

& with God, through God, I cultivate that good thing, 

as God intended, 

into a great thing. great for the thing, great for me, & great for God. 

but then. 

i start feeling’ myself. like aww, shxt, i’m the shxt. 

& while that is true, 

it wasn’t on my terms. 

it wasn’t something i thought, planned, & brought to my doorstep. 

I let God lead me there, 

I prayed to God for the strength, for the creativity, the patience. 

so when exactly, did this become my plan, extracting God?

sike.

i say that to say, 

that even in relationships, 

relationships especially, 

as a girl, i can get carried away. 

start creating this perfect plan in my head, 

about how me and my partner will cultivate this amazing relationship. 

& then comes all these expectations, 

false ones, not based in real truth but fantasy, 

that i place on not only myself, but my partner. 

then it’s all downhill from there. 

i didn’t even create my own life, i let God do that, 

so what makes me think i can create a perfect one that includes another imperfect human being? 

that’s unrealistic.

so i’ve cancelled my expectations, 

not my standards. God gave us those to protect us. 

but expectations for a perfect relationship & those involved, yes. 

i’ve never even been in a perfect relationship, 

how would i even know what that looks like?

but i do trust God. 

so much so, 

that i know He will cultivate a relationship, 

that is perfect for me. 

& only He knows the inside of another’s heart, 

their motivations, their secret desires, 

He knows info, i could never. 

so He will be my filter.

because look, these nxgguhs, …and me, is crazy.

intense transitions

i wrote this last week, 
but waited until now to post it. 
i've moved in now. God did it. :) 
#amen

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i’m moving.

uprooting myself in an attempt to root myself somewhere else.
being uprooted is not my preferred state.
i prefer stability and preparedness.
i was neither prepared mentally or emotionally for this.
let alone, had no idea as to where my new home would be.
can. you. say. anxiety. 

luckily my faith is so deep-rooted,
that fear has a hard time latching on to me.
so although i was uncomfortable,
still somewhat uncomfortable,
i am able to dismiss feelings of hopelessness and despair. 

really, we live in a society that is unstable.
at any moment a natural disaster can happen,
the economy can fail,
a discouraging doctor’s visit can bring unexpected information,
your relationships can fall through…
really, we have no control.
the only control we have is our response.
will you respond in strength and hope,
or in fear?

moving is only one of the few battles i’m currently facing.
because i can only control myself,
tribulations consistently meet me,
but with every win you acquire,
with steadfastness in love & faith,
the bigger your mind grows,
the stronger your heart becomes,
and you find yourself surprised and uber grateful,
at the person you’re becoming. 

so i accepted this battle,
because really, i had no choice.
i wasn’t going to end my life,
due to the worlds cruelty.
in my best language, fxxk that.
love is always bigger and brighter than hate,
even if it isn’t always so clear.
& i prayed, and prayed, & cried, & prayed.
i went through so many intense emotions,
it was sometimes nauseating.
but i put myself out there,
expecting deep down, to win. 

my credit score was eehhh,
there was even some stuff on my credit report,
that i hadn’t done myself,
that i had no idea about,
until i was so close to closing a deal.
it can also be argued,
that i don’t make enough,
to technically ‘win’ in this society.
or at least live in an a-1 desirable neighborhood. 

but luckily for me,
even though it’s more about grace than luck,
a desirable neighborhood to me, isn’t everyones desire.
and the people making the decisions in deciding
if i was the right tenant,
for some reason, they liked me,
and they trusted me. me. a complete stranger. 

i haven’t moved in yet,
but i do have a move-in date for the 30th.
until i’m in,
i don’t think i’ll be completely at ease,
or ideally comfortable,
but what I’ve gotten to take away from this already,
all this grace being displayed in my life,
it’s incredible.
i chose to show up,
and God showed out. :)