i do think about the wrong things a lot.
even if i'm not necessarily thinking bad thoughts about those things,
the time dedicated to them is the real danger.
& what's not getting my attention due to this.
i usually don't like to be transparent,
while i'm in the midst of a battle,
more after i've overcome, that
i see the benefit of sharing, being a source,
to identify with.
but transparency within the battle is important.
showing others how you persevere, flaws & fall.
because we've all fallen on our face.
but my journey be kind of sticky, icky,
a little messy sometimes. lol.
i'm so far from perfect in my own self,
& sometimes i lose touch with the God in me,
sometimes strongly in a moment,
or gradually over time.
it just depends,
on which one of my demons
has the strongest hold on me,
at that time.
i'm embarrassed by that.
that sometimes i'm irrational or b*tchy,
i can be thirsty & nasty,
i can be cold and secluded,
& i can hurt a lot of people,
my self mostly,
& disappoint God.
we can grieve Him you know...
when i focus on my pain,
i lose sight of what i've been hoping for,
not all the lovely stuff that comes with it,
unfortunately i always see that,
but what I get to build to get there,
what my life sets a foundation for,
i forget how incredible that is,
how incredible God can make that,
& what that will mean for me and my team. :)
it's worth it! but, when i focus on my pain,
this world gets to wrap me up.
i've been focusing on my pain,
my mind has manipulated it a bit,
sometimes it's not so obvious,
but i've definitely taken a forty year journey,
to learn what could've taken forty days.
& i can't say i've figured it all out,
by no means, have i come to this ideal perspective,
where everything makes sense,
& i can protect myself inevitably from
hurt feelings, and fear,
but i do trust God,
in my weakness,
i will rely on Him,
to carry me,
regardless of who's watching.
