inadequacy.

so yesterday,
i had this mini mental breakdown.
& while its power is diminishing,
little remnants are still present.

i adore my job,
i adore even more,
being able to do my job well.
when my expectations aren't met,
it's no one else's fault but my own.
because if i was as good as i should be,
then i would always be up.
& although logically, i can assess, that that's not true,
in my mind when it happens,
even now,
it doesn't matter.

so naturally,
as one thing begins to lead to another,
i start to feel incredibly inadequate,
in all things.
especially when it involves being loved by another person,
specifically relationships.

when the person i adore,
is a person i admire,
because of his drive,
his accomplishments,
someone i see as capable,
of possessing everything he desires,
where possibly could my inadequacy fit into that?!
it doesn't.
how could someone like that,
want someone as inadequate as me?!

that. is the icing on the cake.
after that, i completely separate myself,
because my stability is shot,
and my worth has completely diminished…at least in my mind.

buut, wait for it, that silver lining.

(…now this instance is a bit specific,
more specific than usual for this blog,
but things like this happen to me constantly.
God using the universe to remind me,
of who i am, and how He works,
& that there is no higher power than Him.)

i've been following this women #KateNorthrup for a few weeks now, and she is a specialist in money management.
today, i decided to watch her FinancialFreedomFriday video on Net Worth & Friends.
focuses on the damage of comparing your lives to others,
& instead, how you can use someone else's success, as a positive for your own life. smfh.
perfect timing.
it's surreal, how these things fall into my lap. but i am forever grateful,
for these moments, that reassure my hope is not in vain,
& that my self worth is not equivalent to my net worth.
even though high net worth is in my financial future !! :)

don't intimidate, be intimate.

intimidation.
the monster

so sticky.
so revealing.
destructive.
can tear down your character.

why.
why does it happen.
why does it affect us.

fuels insecurity
and withdrawal.
motivates us to front.
dissolves our clarity.

makes us want for the wrong things,
as we get lost in the sauce,
leaving our foundation behind,
for the sake of an illusion.

this is realistic.
this demon is alive,
and flourishing.
it doesn't discriminate
it's only preference is for the weak.
which come from every district, every neighborhood.
rich weak, poor weak. smart weak, stupid week.

it kills me.
being vulnerable.
forgetting what is encouraging about being me.
past, present & future.
because of something. not real.
culture & its expectations. its standards.
illusions.

forgetting why my dreams are mine.
& the preferences i've cultivated.
& watching them get smaller,
while others people's thoughts plague my mine.
& then i question. then i doubt. then i conclude...
that i'm not good enough.
so sick.

especially, because none of it's real.
this thing that we give space to in our mind,
that creates these thoughts.
it takes you out of reality, & puts you in this fantasy.
and tells you why you dont fit in,
& these things you need to compromise in order to feel worthy
in an unreal world. -___-

BUT, ... pt. 2 :)

battle of thoughts: higher help.

what does it mean when you don't mind your mistake.
at times, you like it a little too much.

notorious for learning the hard way.
if you can identify it as a mistake,
but it doesn't feel quite like one yet,
keep doin it....
& it will.

my vices have strong holds.
& they don't want to let go.
so they pose as acceptable decisions,
or indifferent actions.
so i let them out to play,
& then they attempt to eat me alive.
with their condemning suggestions.

& i realize i know better,
lock them away,
& then....
they use selective memory.
you remember the good...the bad,
gets lost in the sauce.
& you try again.
only to be reminded of the inevitable outcome.

aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh! o_0
that's how i feel.
fighting a battle i don't want.

a battle of thoughts are the hardest.
convincing yourself you don't want,
what yourself is telling you you do.

to have the will,
to deny yourself,
what yourself wants.

it takes higher help.
i need higher help.
because i have too much to lose,
to have to learn the hard way.