a trip to hell

 a few things.

knowing that God created you on purpose is a powerful revelation.  

i’ve been a little irresponsible. i’ve encountered many beautiful and healing truths that i’ve forgotten to write down. an injustice really.

but in an effort of amends, i come here with the intent of laying my current truth out with words.

that i’ve been away to a dark place. alone slowly sinking further into an abyss. fear filled me, fogging my vision like a haze of hate. i was present in body only. my mind had been lost and my soul was burning. 

the lies felt like the only truth i could trust. 

in those moments you need someone who won’t give up on you. even though the terror has you pushing them away. but God needs to remind you, a way to get you to remember, just for a second, an undeniable truth that is written on your heart. 

for me, that was that i was created on purpose. with intention. out of love. meant for joy. no matter what is happening now. all the mistakes i’ve made, the binds i’m currently in, my creation cannot be disputed and neither can the Creator. the Creator made me, & He is righteous, perfect and loves me perfectly. 

at once i realized the lie beneath my eyes. because no way could i be abandoned, left for dead, useless and invaluable. God called me a masterpiece, created me in His holy image. lol. my being is the embodiment of love, righteousness, glory. i’m the bees knees, 1 of 1, created on purpose, with intention, ain’t nun like me. :)

and God used this imperfect being and made him perfect for me. and sometimes that bothers me. because sometimes it doesn’t look how i think it should look. and then the question becomes what is the source of my vision. is it the world or is it Christ. and then layers of false truths, misconceptions and assumptions come unraveling.

i don’t know if the public will understand this one. i may be a little too in my head, driven by my heart. but it’s honesty and it’s necessary. 

you were created in the image of God and no matter how far we go off course or distance ourselves from that truth we can always decide we want it to be true again and God will honor us, honor His truth, His original love for you when He made us, when Christ died for us. the greatest fucking sacrifice! for you. for us. 

 _________ some new affirmations in rotation____________

God is my father. 

Christ is the Son of God and my brother.

Christ saved me from destruction and from the evil of and in this world.

God has created me in His image, i am an image bearer of God my father, of Heaven, holiness, righteousness, power, peace, joy, wisdom, beauty and all good things.

i have been given power over all the powers and principalities of this world through Christ the Son, the Holy Spirit within me and God my Father. 

the Father will never forsake me, Christ is never far from me and the Holy Spirit is always in me guiding me.

i rebuke all devils, demons and any evil thing, lie & perversion from me, my family, our communities, our dwellings & possessions and anything that concerns us, & i send them to where Jesus sends them and i bind them & command them to stay there. 

in Jesus name, amen 🙏🏾 

exclaiming victory

sometimes i struggle,
attempting to be perfect & right from all angles.
in my own capacity though, that is impossible.

so the only analysis i can give,
is the result of what my eyes see,
what my heart feels,
what my mind comprehends.
therefor, i am the living proof,
i'm the truth that maters amongst my own words.

lol, that's my introduction to what i shall proceed to write after this quick explanation. for these words i was attempting to capture moments and feelings of redemption and victory for a long-standing battle i've been plagued with since i was a child. the moments being focused on is only one example of the many victories God has helped deliver to me. :)

it's one thing to know you've risen above
the circumstances of your past.
to have found and shed light on your worth & value,
after you've been fighting against the dark for so long.
but then it is another,
to live your, newly found & steadily growing, light & value,
directly in the face of darkness !!

...because the darkness will continue to exists,
whether you choose to live within it or not.
& even though you've overcome it,
it will revisit, attempting to break you again.
it will wait for its perfect time,
attacking where it thinks you're weak,
with no shame.
...at least, this is my experience with it.

but, i have no fear.
my faith rest in the creator of the universe,
& His Son who has proven to love me more,
than the world could ever.

so even in the face of darkness, &
all of darkness' allies,
all the people being used, to carry out its will,
against me & others,
i stand steadfast in my light, my value and worth,
unaffected, #unbothered! hey now...lol.

this victory is so powerful,
so uplifting,
comforting beyond understanding,
this is my experience.

as for my self-proclaimed enemies,
who have allowed themselves to be used,
spewing out darkness,
they get no reaction from me,
just this testimony exclaiming their defeat.

bang!

"i was taught, even when it's tough, chin up ninja." -skeme

this moment is here, because it's inevitable.
these solitary moments, where time slows down for me,
and i can do what i choose.
reflect on what i choose,
make whatever assessments i choose.

i can choose to be satisfied,
or disappointed.
i could love the person i am,
or be disgusted.
i can be straight forward and honest,
or i can take the long way around.

these moments can be dangerous though,
depending on what i choose to focus on.
if i begin to take things out of context,
overly desire something before its time.
i can become ungrateful and selfish.

then....since my focus is already on the worldly,
i desire a worldly recovery.
outlets i've always known,
even if the outcome is no longer suited for me.
it's hard not to desire those things,
those old coping mechanisms,
at least without feeling bitter.

but there, there's the challenge.
because if your denying yourself,
& hating life while doing it,
then there is no point.

the point is to find joy,
through the uncomfort.
to believe the best,
even though,
you would find temporary satisfaction,
in believing the worst.

at least, that's how it is for me.