God vs. you

i want so bad to write something.
i don't know what i want to convey.
i have no idea what this even is.

desire.
a lot of that running around lately.
misplaced with no discipline.
can cause huge tragedy.

i want to give myself some credit.
but i deserve none.
dying to self,
might be the hardest obstacle to ever exist.
but it is the most necessary.
completely essential to health, wholeness & happiness.

not only were we raised to never go against the grain,
we were born for it.
it is our first nature, our instinct.

i think about every time i fail,
which is nearly a thousand times a day,
& get overwhelmed by how insufficient i am alone.
& how no one deserves my inconsistency.

& honestly while i can imagine the win, taste it even,
i have no idea the road in which i will have to travel to get there.

i want to take every day like a gift,
& no matter how bad i feel, i want to expect the best.
i want to be capable of giving until there is nothing left.
i want, therefore i do.

i think the failures are inevitable.
& once we come to a place where we can accept that, expect it even,
but know, that it doesn't matter,
that's when we become indestructible.
God doesn't need our help, He needs our trust.
He doesn't need perfection, He just needs you to be willing.

Want to, Try to, then Fail even,
it won't matter,
because God will turn your failures into wins.

you die to self when you stop trying & start trusting.

what else

you test me in a way that makes me uncomfortable.
you defy all relatable logic.
& enough of us is brand new in my experience,

that i cant do this without help.
you completely require guidance.
but even then.
it. is. not. easy.

i worry about myself.
my own survival.
my own integrity.
my own reputation.
& i constantly think about what i'm putting on the line,
for a preference, turned dream, turned hope,
working towards necessity.

it. is. unreal.
but then again, what is.
i have this idea,
of what i think this should be like.
from what i think i see.
& then what i interpret.
but then again, how unreal is that.

i assess what gives me doubt.
what pulls me away,
& brings the thug out.
it's the pride.
my pride.
telling me of what i deserve,
when i deserve it,
& how.

but then i think on God.
my Father in heaven.
the creator of me. of you. of everything.
& how completely selfless He requires us to be.
& how our pride can be our death.
& how you are my completely, totally, utterly my preference.
& how genuine and sincere i'm being.
with myself when i say that.

so many times i dont know what else to do,
but pray.
ive completely give in
to what's alive within me,
surrounded by a culture,
that's okay with being less.
and then there's you.
& i want you to be my other person.
& that want,
makes me so vulnerable.

i'm not completely sure why you're the one.
but i don't even hesitate saying it.
where does this faith come from? why?
this can be so difficult.
completely frustrating.
even overpowering.
i don't want to deal alone anymore.

thug passion. lol.

it's so easy to stay on the fence. 

give a little, take a little. 

instead of giving everything. 

holding happiness in what seems like defeat. 

looking past the now into an expected future, 

when the now looks so dang wack. 

the grace ive encountered makes it easy to give you up.

for now.

the God i know deserves it. desires it.

but this has also become a test of character. 

to swallow the desire to mourn, to be bitter, frustrated and fear-ful.

to not believe what God has said to me, 

and to be defeated. 

instead, finding the joy perfected by the pain. 

and consistently, constantly acting, talking, thinking, believing in love. 

expecting better than what has already come to pass. 

keeping my eyes on the prize more or less, 

while preparing for the victory. 

praying for you always, 

keeping you close at heart. 

but still far enough.

that my excellence, for now, 

excludes you. 

it's not over. 

& i will remain as if,

it is forever more. 

peices of heaven.

Now to Him Who, by (in consequence of) the [action of His] power that is at work within us, is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly, far over and above all that we [dare] ask or think [infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or dreams. Ephesians 2:20-21

the fulfillment of God's will,
requires God's presence all the time. 

when you step outside the presence of God,
to give-in to our selfish desires in flesh,
you jepordize everything God has for you.
You elongate the time you have to wait,
& you deny yourself a chance to strengthen your faith.

done with this.
shopping. functionin, smoking, drinking.

Jesus is my supreme source.
the King in my life.
He always has the last word in every thing that happens to me in my life.
regardless of the circumstance.
BUT ONLY, if I let Him.
Let His will be done.

calling those things that be not, as though they were.
expecting them to happen. relying on them.
not denying that they have not happen yet,
but it has already manifested in the future,
you simply have to wait on your arrival to that place. :)

dead end

aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!

i have to be the example for my relationship. 
i have to be the source in which the grace works through. 
but i cant be that when i'm entirely way too turnt. 

it's not so much about the judgement, 
as it is about the risk. 
what we're jepordizing when we alienate ourselves from the direction of God. 
which inevitably is what we're doing. 

God can only act on your behalf as He intends, 
when youre in the posistion He intends for you to be in. 

Why waste time using up God's mercy to cover up our deliberate shortcomings, 
instead of using His power to fulfill His purpose for us, 
on behalf of the Kingdom. 

the cost is too high, 
when it comes as an expense of not only you, 
but a kingdom in which you were meant to rule & reign. 

more than any other reason, 
God simply deserves our regard. 
we owe him for life, passion, oppurtunity, love. 
there's no greater feeling, than knowing you are pleasing to your creator. 
that while you constantly seek His unconditional love, 
you find unlimited favor with Him as well. 

because there has to be a reason, 
why God doesnt prefer to get lit.
something about it, that retracts from joy, 
kinda seems like, it's not what it seems. 
like it doesnt serve any productive purpose, 
so like, why do we always pursue it?

can we admit that we're weak. 
we get frustrated, we get prideful. 
we desire comfort, we feel we deserve it. 
it's our right to function,
to get lost in the sauce.

we're attempting to obtain a feeling, 
that ideally, God wants us to constantly live in purposfully. 
security and relief. fulfillment and joy. 
why trade that for confusion or regret. 
are we really that dense?
because we are running the risk. 
even if sometimes, aren't as bad as others. 

of course it's not easy, 
and while initially it might make sense, 
it's so easy for us to fall back into patterns, 
that constantly stare us down from our culture. 

so what are we holding on to?
culture or God?
isn't the sacrfice of the lesser worth 
working towards the greater, 
for the Greater
with the Greater?