it's so easy to stay on the fence.
give a little, take a little.
instead of giving everything.
holding happiness in what seems like defeat.
looking past the now into an expected future,
when the now looks so dang wack.
the grace ive encountered makes it easy to give you up.
for now.
the God i know deserves it. desires it.
but this has also become a test of character.
to swallow the desire to mourn, to be bitter, frustrated and fear-ful.
to not believe what God has said to me,
and to be defeated.
instead, finding the joy perfected by the pain.
and consistently, constantly acting, talking, thinking, believing in love.
expecting better than what has already come to pass.
keeping my eyes on the prize more or less,
while preparing for the victory.
praying for you always,
keeping you close at heart.
but still far enough.
that my excellence, for now,
excludes you.
it's not over.
& i will remain as if,
it is forever more.
