being okay with it not going your way.
first and foremost, i’m blessed.
my life is blessed.
& sometimes i get selfish & high-strung,
as if i, solely, am responsible for how blessed my life is.
& sometimes i begin to think,
whole-heartedly,
regarding all things,
that i know what’s best for me & my life.
aaahhahhahahaha.
that’s a joke if i ever heard one.
now look,
Jesus has turned me into an optimist.
even when i come across challenges & tragedies,
i know that God has & will turn it into something amazing.
my character after experience in living this life,
is testimony to that fact.
…this is the basis of why i refer to my life as blessed.
back to me thinking i know how my life should be….
scenario.
let’s say God gave me a good thing,
& with God, through God, I cultivate that good thing,
as God intended,
into a great thing. great for the thing, great for me, & great for God.
but then.
i start feeling’ myself. like aww, shxt, i’m the shxt.
& while that is true,
it wasn’t on my terms.
it wasn’t something i thought, planned, & brought to my doorstep.
I let God lead me there,
I prayed to God for the strength, for the creativity, the patience.
so when exactly, did this become my plan, extracting God?
sike.
i say that to say,
that even in relationships,
relationships especially,
as a girl, i can get carried away.
start creating this perfect plan in my head,
about how me and my partner will cultivate this amazing relationship.
& then comes all these expectations,
false ones, not based in real truth but fantasy,
that i place on not only myself, but my partner.
then it’s all downhill from there.
i didn’t even create my own life, i let God do that,
so what makes me think i can create a perfect one that includes another imperfect human being?
that’s unrealistic.
so i’ve cancelled my expectations,
not my standards. God gave us those to protect us.
but expectations for a perfect relationship & those involved, yes.
i’ve never even been in a perfect relationship,
how would i even know what that looks like?
but i do trust God.
so much so,
that i know He will cultivate a relationship,
that is perfect for me.
& only He knows the inside of another’s heart,
their motivations, their secret desires,
He knows info, i could never.
so He will be my filter.
because look, these nxgguhs, …and me, is crazy.
