sunday 10/12/25

today, i got a message. a promise. a challenge. 

the Father attempting to reach me by extending His grace once again. 

reminding me that He created me and knows what’s in my heart. He knows how to manifest it, how to wield it and use it for not only my good but for the good of the kingdom.

He’s challenging me to put action behind my values.

todays church service reminded me of one of God’s attributes that ive been standing on, that it’s never too late. we’re never too old to walk in the promises of the Father and share in His glory. 

that the Father is a restorer of time. 

i do not need to mourn my mistakes, my foolishness, my fear. 

but instead, it can be a testament to God’s power, His grace, His Mercy, His miraculous power over my life. 

what a privilege! for God to call out to me. for Christ’s intercession to reach me. for the holy trinity to continue to believe in me, for me, for the kingdom. 

how this is even a challenge is shameful. with all that ive been redeemed from. 

but it is. the world is in me deep. 

although i know better, i make excuses for my idolatry. i claim victim, choosing not to lean into the power God says He has given me. 

how dare i?

this moment has made me realize how down bad i am. 

how this moment to choose my God is easier said than done. 

and over what? i’m too embarrassed to say. 

but i know it could never compare. 

and that’s the thing. the things I put over my God could never save me. 

i cannot rely on them although sometimes i try. 

but i want both. God and the things. 

and i want the things because I know God will always be there. 

but that’s not respect. that’s not behavior of a son of God but a child. 

when you are called to put action behind your faith, what will you choose?

forgiving your enemies

i’m working hard on forgiveness of my enemies. getting to the root of why it’s a problem. battling with the feeling that people think they can bully me, belittle me, disregard my autonomy. 

and it’s because i care too much of what they think. i need to understand that i can’t control the thoughts that others have, only mine. so if people think their getting one over on me, let them. if people think they have power of me, let them. if people think they are messing with my mind and emotions, let them. lol. they can think whatever they want. 

but what i’m thinking on, i know is fact. i know that i’m covered by the blood. i know that the Father will never forsake me. i know the promises that are mine. i know Christ has redeemed me and all that is His is mine. i know the impact of the enemy is temporary. i also know someone so small minded to let their will be controlled by evil could never stop all that God has for me. 

i also know that my battle isn’t with people who choose to be small and weak, but with the powers and principalities i can’t see. i know that true freedom comes from surrender to Christ in all things, including having love for your enemies. and i know my biggest flex is the redemption Christ has granted me & how that continues to be visible in my life. that i don’t look like what i’ve been through, and the sauce that i have cannot be taken. 

no lie, it’s hard living under attack from the enemy, but with Christ it’s much easier. so i forgive those who give in to less than. those who attack me because their controlled by fear, envy, and cowardice. in the moment, under attack, i forgive them, pray for them, wish them the best. because any enemy of mine is an enemy of God’s.

reminder to not be offended.

currently, i'm thinking about so many things so deeply. 

the new daredevil is on and i'm itching to spill about it on spill. i also have a second round of left overs i'm considering even though it's way past my eating time. but it's saturday. :) 

also, i'm on a shopping fast but my sister is sending me some fire fashions. also, i'm drinking wine. which is out of the ordinary but not so much on the weekends. 

but i knew i wanted to write. really write. 
i have my laptop on my lap sitting on my comfy bed fully indulged in this moment. 

and i have a topic. one that was already pre-destined. my spiritual tribe knew that i would be sitting here. that at this time i would have the topic that i would have. one related to offense. 

offended that my character is often tried and my ability not only questioned but my inability too many times assumed. the systems of the world that seep into our environments at work, in our relationships at home are built to offend. especially for those who prosper despite of evil with the help of heaven. so one could say, i should expect attempts to offend. 

but what drove me here to this blog, to my laptop, was the hurt and heaviness of those attempts, both intentionally and unintentionally. because the questioning of my character by the world, the twisted questions and statements of the enemy served by those with access to me, sometimes have me questioning myself. and this isn't new. since i was an adolescent, i've questioned me. 

my ability to perform. my ability to trust myself. my ability to have faith, to hear God, to do the right thing. my ability to stand up for myself. my ability to be creative, to be smart, to be stylish, to be wanted, to be beautiful, to have fun. lol. and i would sink into this pools of despair full of hypotheticals. and then eventually grow tired of the redundancy of self-pity and choose to perform anyway. only to be met with confirmation that i am exactly who God created me to be at that time. and that He was and is always with me. and He has pre-destined me to live the life the Spirit leads me. 

and that is why offense should have no power. 

because in Christ, i am settled. my life, my purpose, they are settled. 
my success is settled. my fulfillment is settled. 
i do not have to see my life through the lens of men and the systems of this world. 
and i can rest in my decisions and the truth that regardless, God has worked all things out for my God. 

because Christ is my purpose and my identity. that could never come into question. 
and as long as i do the work to keep my spirit aligned in Him, offense can never reach me let alone overpower me. 

when i read John Bevere’s book, The Bait of Satan, I took notes. I highlighted and made comments. I'm going to go over them again because I need a reminder. 

this declaration from my last post is so fitting;

Father, I will not allow an unpleasant response from others to deter  from Your truth. I do not want to abandon the flow of the Spirit for the desires of men.

the weight of offense

 being on an everlasting journey of knowing and growing in Christ more is literally the best part of life.

in uncovering truths about Christ we uncover truths about ourselves and in relation to our experiences here on earth.

i’ve always struggled in my relationships with friends and community. some social norms don’t come as naturally to me and my perspective and thought patterns can come off as intense and/or insensitive. it created an insecurity in me and impacted my ability to make and have friends. (i’ve also always been adaptable & have made a way since my adolescence.) However, understanding why things are the way they are and uncovering secondary truths is not only empowering but brings wisdom. 

that’s what chapter 9: the rock of offense in John Bevere’s book, The Bait of Satan, did for me. 

________________

The story of John’s offense via Jesus while he was in jail is one i can relate to time and time again. feeling as if you deserve better, that you’re not being properly credited for your work, your accomplishments. feeling sorry for one’s self because another hasn’t lived up to our expectations. self-pity and pettiness.

“John is locked in prison and hears of Jesus’ ministry. he’s been locked up for some time and very few people are coming to visit. all your work has been in preparation of the Coming One and now that He’s here, are you even important anymore? Most of your followers have left you to follow Jesus. I mean you & Jesus have been locked in since you were in the womb and now He won’t even come visit you or get you out of jail. & you hear He out here hanging with thieves and prostitutes. He sends word to Jesus, “are you even the Coming One or are we waiting for another?!” 

aahahahahahahahahaha.

John probably assuming the worst. being mad at the Father and Christ. he knows who Jesus is but he’s being a smart ass because he’s salty. and i mean, he’s in jail, not like we would blame him.

but Jesus is really out here fulfilling a prophecy that John helped usher in. He’s healing and reconnecting people to the Father. and He responds to John informing him of what’s going on and adds, “and blessed is he who is not offended because of Me.” :)

Jesus knew John was feeling salty. & even though John’s perspective and behavior was unholy, Jesus had grace for Him understanding that Join is susceptible to fleshly and worldly feelings of fear & revenge. 

———————

i’ve been John many many times and i’m lucky enough to have experienced being wrong. many times i believed someone did or didn’t do something just to hurt me. i have spent many hours stuck in my own head creating scenarios that reinforced the idea that no one loves me. and everytime, i regretted it. 

my perspective was born out of hurt and fear. a losing combo. it was debilitating as it kept me stuck and in circles. 

“John didn’t know the whole picture or plan of God, just as we do not know the complete picture today.”

These declarations from this chapter are so perfect for me and exactly what i needed at this time in my walk with Christ. 

____________ DECLARATIONS

Father God, I want You to rule and reign in my life. I will not allow an attitude of spiritual legalism to rise above my desire for an intimate relationship with You.

Through the power of Your Holy Spirit, I declare that I will never wield the sword of division to my brothers and sisters in You, but I will live in peace with all who have called upon Your name and are part of Your kingdom.

Father, prevent me from being offended by the truth of Your Word when it is presented to me. Reveal my true motives so that I will never be tempted to uproot myself from those who preach Your truth.

Holy Spirit, enable me to live my life before my loved ones in such a way that they will see my love for You and be drawn to You.

Holy Spirit, remove any fear in me that if I do not fulfill the expectations of others, they will be hurt and offended by me.

Father, I will not allow an unpleasant response from others to deter  from Your truth. I do not want to abandon the flow of the Spirit for the desires of men.

a sad moment in time.

I say I don’t care

And when I say it, it feels true. 

But your absence tugs at my heart,

and I finally realized, 

I'd been lying to myself. 

Damn, so what does that mean?

Things I thought were true really aren’t?

Then what’s the real truth and how do I manage it?

It's sad that the truth behind some feelings takes some time to reveal themselves. 

And unless the conscious thought is given, they can stay hidden. 

Irrational feelings brought upon by defense mechanism can lead us, 

our thoughts, our actions, and the reactions we’re left to deal with. 

All based on an erratic unsustainable version of the truth. 

Why is that? Is it because we can’t handle the truth? 

Because I’d be lying if I said I knew what to do with it.

It doesn't seem that the world can handle truth. 

and so we’ve created mechanisms to either avoid it or twist it. 

And as a result, doing the most righteous thing seems so hard. So against our natural nature. Our pride. 

But what is pride, lol. 

According to Christ it is often misplaced, 

inflated by our ego and the cause of destruction. 

Is that what I want leading my decisions?

But it’s hard when i’m so familiar with the wrong way 

and the world, and at times our own communities, reject the right way. 

And your feelings, and your thoughts, your confidence, 

is based on some world created standard, 

so where does that leave you if you try something different?

Tbh, I am overflowing with emotion, feelings and their accompanying thoughts. 

My brain is like the ocean, tossing to and from, unsettled, chaotic, confused. 

I don’t know what I should want and even when I think I know what I do want, I don’t. 

Today, I’m crying out for help.