Letting God Lead : In-Relationships

being okay with it not going your way.

first and foremost, i’m blessed. 

my life is blessed. 

& sometimes i get selfish & high-strung, 

as if i, solely, am responsible for how blessed my life is. 

& sometimes i begin to think, 

whole-heartedly, 

regarding all things, 

that i know what’s best for me & my life. 

aaahhahhahahaha. 

that’s a joke if i ever heard one.

now look, 

Jesus has turned me into an optimist. 

even when i come across challenges & tragedies, 

i know that God has & will turn it into something amazing. 

my character after experience in living this life, 

is testimony to that fact. 

…this is the basis of why i refer to my life as blessed.

back to me thinking i know how my life should be….

scenario. 

let’s say God gave me a good thing, 

& with God, through God, I cultivate that good thing, 

as God intended, 

into a great thing. great for the thing, great for me, & great for God. 

but then. 

i start feeling’ myself. like aww, shxt, i’m the shxt. 

& while that is true, 

it wasn’t on my terms. 

it wasn’t something i thought, planned, & brought to my doorstep. 

I let God lead me there, 

I prayed to God for the strength, for the creativity, the patience. 

so when exactly, did this become my plan, extracting God?

sike.

i say that to say, 

that even in relationships, 

relationships especially, 

as a girl, i can get carried away. 

start creating this perfect plan in my head, 

about how me and my partner will cultivate this amazing relationship. 

& then comes all these expectations, 

false ones, not based in real truth but fantasy, 

that i place on not only myself, but my partner. 

then it’s all downhill from there. 

i didn’t even create my own life, i let God do that, 

so what makes me think i can create a perfect one that includes another imperfect human being? 

that’s unrealistic.

so i’ve cancelled my expectations, 

not my standards. God gave us those to protect us. 

but expectations for a perfect relationship & those involved, yes. 

i’ve never even been in a perfect relationship, 

how would i even know what that looks like?

but i do trust God. 

so much so, 

that i know He will cultivate a relationship, 

that is perfect for me. 

& only He knows the inside of another’s heart, 

their motivations, their secret desires, 

He knows info, i could never. 

so He will be my filter.

because look, these nxgguhs, …and me, is crazy.

intense transitions

i wrote this last week, 
but waited until now to post it. 
i've moved in now. God did it. :) 
#amen

____________________________________

i’m moving.

uprooting myself in an attempt to root myself somewhere else.
being uprooted is not my preferred state.
i prefer stability and preparedness.
i was neither prepared mentally or emotionally for this.
let alone, had no idea as to where my new home would be.
can. you. say. anxiety. 

luckily my faith is so deep-rooted,
that fear has a hard time latching on to me.
so although i was uncomfortable,
still somewhat uncomfortable,
i am able to dismiss feelings of hopelessness and despair. 

really, we live in a society that is unstable.
at any moment a natural disaster can happen,
the economy can fail,
a discouraging doctor’s visit can bring unexpected information,
your relationships can fall through…
really, we have no control.
the only control we have is our response.
will you respond in strength and hope,
or in fear?

moving is only one of the few battles i’m currently facing.
because i can only control myself,
tribulations consistently meet me,
but with every win you acquire,
with steadfastness in love & faith,
the bigger your mind grows,
the stronger your heart becomes,
and you find yourself surprised and uber grateful,
at the person you’re becoming. 

so i accepted this battle,
because really, i had no choice.
i wasn’t going to end my life,
due to the worlds cruelty.
in my best language, fxxk that.
love is always bigger and brighter than hate,
even if it isn’t always so clear.
& i prayed, and prayed, & cried, & prayed.
i went through so many intense emotions,
it was sometimes nauseating.
but i put myself out there,
expecting deep down, to win. 

my credit score was eehhh,
there was even some stuff on my credit report,
that i hadn’t done myself,
that i had no idea about,
until i was so close to closing a deal.
it can also be argued,
that i don’t make enough,
to technically ‘win’ in this society.
or at least live in an a-1 desirable neighborhood. 

but luckily for me,
even though it’s more about grace than luck,
a desirable neighborhood to me, isn’t everyones desire.
and the people making the decisions in deciding
if i was the right tenant,
for some reason, they liked me,
and they trusted me. me. a complete stranger. 

i haven’t moved in yet,
but i do have a move-in date for the 30th.
until i’m in,
i don’t think i’ll be completely at ease,
or ideally comfortable,
but what I’ve gotten to take away from this already,
all this grace being displayed in my life,
it’s incredible.
i chose to show up,
and God showed out. :)

love like God

i felt compelled to write this,
because so many things are happening,
& constantly shifting,
but my core perspective and belief does not.
i'm rooted in this because it is always right.
& is not affected by the ever-changing society & world,
we are all apart of.
_______________________________________________________

My objective as a person is to be fruitful.
It is to receive God’s love and be so grateful that it pours from me onto and in someone else.
i believe all people were created by God, who is essentially, in this regard, our perfect parent.

i believe our world is full of discrepancies
& that truths concerning our existence & purpose
have been buried deep beneath theories & ideas
void of our Creator, Father God.

Regardless, it is still my purpose, my objective,
to receive love from above, & then
exert that to others in a way only i can.
a way specific to my spirit, my dna, my experiences, my imagination.
For this opportunity, i’m eternally and unconditionally grateful.

Therefore, regardless of what you identify with,
or how you identify yourself,
my love for you is eternal and unconditional.

This is not dependent on race, education, economic status,
gender, sexuality, religion or any other label
we have created to classify ourselves and others.

This is also not dependent on your actions.
You are loved by me, simply because you exist.
God thought you worth creating & existing,
& I will uphold that truth over any other,
knowing that you are a capable and valued human being
worthy of my respect and love.

exclaiming victory

sometimes i struggle,
attempting to be perfect & right from all angles.
in my own capacity though, that is impossible.

so the only analysis i can give,
is the result of what my eyes see,
what my heart feels,
what my mind comprehends.
therefor, i am the living proof,
i'm the truth that maters amongst my own words.

lol, that's my introduction to what i shall proceed to write after this quick explanation. for these words i was attempting to capture moments and feelings of redemption and victory for a long-standing battle i've been plagued with since i was a child. the moments being focused on is only one example of the many victories God has helped deliver to me. :)

it's one thing to know you've risen above
the circumstances of your past.
to have found and shed light on your worth & value,
after you've been fighting against the dark for so long.
but then it is another,
to live your, newly found & steadily growing, light & value,
directly in the face of darkness !!

...because the darkness will continue to exists,
whether you choose to live within it or not.
& even though you've overcome it,
it will revisit, attempting to break you again.
it will wait for its perfect time,
attacking where it thinks you're weak,
with no shame.
...at least, this is my experience with it.

but, i have no fear.
my faith rest in the creator of the universe,
& His Son who has proven to love me more,
than the world could ever.

so even in the face of darkness, &
all of darkness' allies,
all the people being used, to carry out its will,
against me & others,
i stand steadfast in my light, my value and worth,
unaffected, #unbothered! hey now...lol.

this victory is so powerful,
so uplifting,
comforting beyond understanding,
this is my experience.

as for my self-proclaimed enemies,
who have allowed themselves to be used,
spewing out darkness,
they get no reaction from me,
just this testimony exclaiming their defeat.

...outside the lines.

i'm going to attempt to put into words,
the value i've realized, exist in rules.
standard outlines,
a universal code,
that everyone can accomplish,
so that in general, we can communicate.
that's a beautiful thing.
to have established practices,
traditions, familiar processes.

being aware of these standard positions,
holding doors, saying hello, politeness,
literary rules, constructing a sentence,
acknowledging ambulances,
inside voices, table manners,
eating with forks, (not a fan of this when i was a child)
etc...there's a million.
allow us to come together,
share with one another,
even if we don't immediately relate.

but when i was a child,
who loved to eat with her hands,
i had a strong disdain for these rules.
not that i thought certain actions or behaviors weren't appropriate or beneficial,
but that someone was telling me how i should act,
as if i didn't have enough reason,
to arrive at that decision myself.
& what if i didn't want to exactly do it 'your' way, ...
i wanted there to be nothing wrong with that,
as long as it accomplished what i desired,
& was peaceful to the public.

but now.
now.
as a professional woman in an industry,
as a creative, a writer, a visionary,
i am so grateful for these little details...
these social traditions,
this umbrella we operate under.
definitely not saying, that to stay & only operate under that umbrella is the ideal way, no.
but to have that frame of reference !!! yes.

while some of our social traditions are based on biased thinking,
essentially being sexist, agist, classist, etc...
some of them are natural evolution.
they exists for reasons, on purpose. they work.
working in a creative industry,
where you're attempting to market your creativity to the general population successfully,
having that plane that you know exists, that a lot of people can relate to...
so valuable.
that consistency, general same-mindedness, ...at least regarding certain things.

ALSO, because my little rebel still exists, even in this professional couture fit....
rules exists, so that WE CAN BREAK THEM, SOMETIMES.
there are these special moments, that we treasure,
that coloring outside of the lines, works, and is amazing,
& sometimes, reshapes the line it purposely disregarded.
that could never happen if that line didn't exist.

design rules, in lettering, architecture, web design, etc...
they're there for a reason, because they work.
they look good, they are outlines, you can count on.
writing rules, punctuation, capitalization, etc...
so that in general, what you write, can be understood.

but this is the fun part.
because by not choosing to use those general rules,
you get to say something,
without really saying it.

this is my blog.
these are my words.
this is my mind, layed out, how i like it,
how i believe it is accurately transferred,
from the wiring in my brain,
to the wiring that is this computer, & further, this internet.
some punctuation rules, i disregard.
my thoughts are informal.
when they are here, displayed in this context,
on this platform,
they are still in general, just raw thoughts,
not specifically assigned to a purpose, which in that case, they may need 'rule' adjustments.
therefore, i illustrate that with my lack of formality in my writing.
all my case is lower except when referring to something holy, like God,
because i don't like to take myself so seriously.
this is my comfort zone, a cozy place, a no-judgement zone,
but all of that is possible, that message, this act of small defiance,
because the rules are there.
& sometimes, they are meant to be broken.