reminder to not be offended.

currently, i'm thinking about so many things so deeply. 

the new daredevil is on and i'm itching to spill about it on spill. i also have a second round of left overs i'm considering even though it's way past my eating time. but it's saturday. :) 

also, i'm on a shopping fast but my sister is sending me some fire fashions. also, i'm drinking wine. which is out of the ordinary but not so much on the weekends. 

but i knew i wanted to write. really write. 
i have my laptop on my lap sitting on my comfy bed fully indulged in this moment. 

and i have a topic. one that was already pre-destined. my spiritual tribe knew that i would be sitting here. that at this time i would have the topic that i would have. one related to offense. 

offended that my character is often tried and my ability not only questioned but my inability too many times assumed. the systems of the world that seep into our environments at work, in our relationships at home are built to offend. especially for those who prosper despite of evil with the help of heaven. so one could say, i should expect attempts to offend. 

but what drove me here to this blog, to my laptop, was the hurt and heaviness of those attempts, both intentionally and unintentionally. because the questioning of my character by the world, the twisted questions and statements of the enemy served by those with access to me, sometimes have me questioning myself. and this isn't new. since i was an adolescent, i've questioned me. 

my ability to perform. my ability to trust myself. my ability to have faith, to hear God, to do the right thing. my ability to stand up for myself. my ability to be creative, to be smart, to be stylish, to be wanted, to be beautiful, to have fun. lol. and i would sink into this pools of despair full of hypotheticals. and then eventually grow tired of the redundancy of self-pity and choose to perform anyway. only to be met with confirmation that i am exactly who God created me to be at that time. and that He was and is always with me. and He has pre-destined me to live the life the Spirit leads me. 

and that is why offense should have no power. 

because in Christ, i am settled. my life, my purpose, they are settled. 
my success is settled. my fulfillment is settled. 
i do not have to see my life through the lens of men and the systems of this world. 
and i can rest in my decisions and the truth that regardless, God has worked all things out for my God. 

because Christ is my purpose and my identity. that could never come into question. 
and as long as i do the work to keep my spirit aligned in Him, offense can never reach me let alone overpower me. 

when i read John Bevere’s book, The Bait of Satan, I took notes. I highlighted and made comments. I'm going to go over them again because I need a reminder. 

this declaration from my last post is so fitting;

Father, I will not allow an unpleasant response from others to deter  from Your truth. I do not want to abandon the flow of the Spirit for the desires of men.

the accountability factor

i'm starting this at work because it's super important to me that it gets done and after two days, we still have not started. 

this is a repeating pattern in my life. create mini goals and then forget about them. since they aren't huge milestone goals like, get a job, graduate college, they get passed over as too much time goes by. 

but i'm repenting. changing my mind about how i approach these goals. because honestly, they are smaller steps to bigger pictures. and as i get older, i realize how significant and necessary these smaller goals are. and honestly i'm tired of the lack of consistency and commitment. 

damn near every day God puts amazing ideas into my head. and like an inconsistent shepherd, i do not always put in the effort to address them. i'm hopeful about creating lasting change and this post is an element of that hope. 

i would also like to say that i am not ashamed of my shortcomings because i know that my family and I's success and wellbeing is not dependent on perfection. i also love who i am, who i was and who i am becoming. this is not an effort to change out of disdain, but out of a motivation and responsibility to level up. 

this is my accountability factor, my initiation factor, my affirmation factor. this is also an attempt at transparency because honesty is beautiful and so am i.

the testimony of a failure.

it's a bit of a challenge for me to even start this.
considering where i start, how i start,
the places my spirit has been,
the lessons i've learned,
the realizations that i've had.

ultimately, i'm in a better place than i was a few weeks ago,
a few months ago,
a few years ago.
i truly hope you can say the same.

however, for a short time, i didn't feel like it.
i had felt the worst i have ever felt in a very long time.
this time, not at the hands of another,
but at my own.
that sense of failure is the worse.
when you feel that you are the cause of your own demise,
that you don't have what it takes to get where you 'need' to be.

it was important for me to write this for a few reasons.
one. to share my testimony of failure.
honestly, a huge part of my purpose is to overcome. as proof that it can be done.
two. for myself. to put into permanent words that i am in this uncertain and unfamiliar circumstance but yet, it still does not define me.
that at the same time i am living through something so undesirable,
i have so much to be thankful for.
to realize my own power is not all that matters, but that the gifts that God gives me through other people are just as significant and glorious.
truly very humbling.

i pride myself on being self-sustainable.
and even as i type those words i realize there is so much wrong with that statement.
pride is a farce.
a fake force we use to stand upon that ultimately will never do anything of value for us.
it is not how we or this world were created.
and self-sustainable? what a joke.
it is one thing to be lazy and to rely on others for everything with no intention of giving back,
and it is another to walk around as if you actually made yourself.
as if you thought of yourself before the creation of the earth.
as if you birthed yourself.
we literally must rely on the selflessness of another to be born.
and that is not a burden, but a gift.
therefore to realize that we were created to need help,
to work with others,
to give and to be given unto
is not a negative trait or weakness,
but actually a great strength.

i feel the tears coming now
as the spirit of God leads me through this post.
i usually always tend to know what i want to write,
but God always leads the words i use,
establishes the points that are made,
lays out the truths that are revealed.
He is truly the author.

i don't want to get too specific about the failure i've experienced.
for while i regard these words as personal while still open to having them read by the public,
there are some i wish i could actually block.
and i do not have enough strength as of yet,
to be vulnerable with those
i truly do not personally prefer.

but know, that i would be categorized as ambitious.
and career accomplishments mean a great deal more than they should to me.
and in one of my greatest and most challenging marathons, i have 'failed'.

failed is in quotes, because honestly, it is subjective and objective at the same time.
i literally did fail the challenge, but my failure has aided in my success in so many other areas of my existence that God would find much more important.
and realizing that was another challenge.
a challenge that i am winning at.

my dad reminded me of something a few days ago,
that a true test and showing of character are our actions when we fall.
so while it was tough getting back up. so so tough.
especially after truly wishing i were dead instead of alive,
believing that i wasn't worth the ground that i was walking on,
feeling unworthy of all the blessings i had received and was still receiving,
after some time i still got up.
i am still thankful.
i still feel blessed.
i still feel like i'm the shxt.
i still feel that God created me on purpose,
and that i cannot be faded.

on top of that,
i still receive opportunities to do what i've always wanted to do.
my cup is still overflowing,
and God has been there every step of the way. 

so honestly, i must ask God for forgiveness.
not for doubting His existence,
but doubting His provision and love for me.
for undermining His purpose and believing that me and my life must have been a mistake.
the thoughts i thought, the words i spoke, the feelings i allowed myself to feel
were a disservice to me and all those who cared for me.
i shut people out, i wallowed in my pain and found joy in my demise.
it was selfish, shortsighted and ignorant.
i let the enemy convince me that all God had done for me meant nothing.
i let myself believe that all God had helped me accomplish thus far was a joke.

it's funny. i 'pride' myself in seeing the value of community. lol.
and i turn my nose up at elitism.
but when it comes to myself, i let the very truths i preach, do nothing to lift me up.
some of my mentees reached out to me that weekend, unknowing of the tragic circumstance,
to tell me how much i meant to them.
my life long friends reached out to me repeatedly so concerned with my well-being, also not knowing the circumstance.
my parents still had the audacity to be proud of me even though i felt as if i let them down.
my mentor still saw value in me, my colleagues still wanted to collaborate with me.
i had to dig deep into the Word of God to seek understanding only to find it and establish an even greater relationship.
i am looking at myself from the outside in to see the most accurate perspective of my life and my circumstance and what i see, i am still in love with. <3

devestatingly honest

sometimes. 

i don’t know how to be happy.

i am filled with disappointment,

filled with fear.

good cannot live here. 

thoughts defeat me,

and my character is destroyed.

blinded in a darkness,

that chokes my breath. 

i am filled with distress.

and all this loss.

comes out in tears.

i get scared, 

because in these moments,

i don’t want to live.

& i hate myself,

for not being able to maneuver,

in this world,

with other people,

who are not my enemy.

i can admit that.

the problem is not them,

it is me.

i can’t hold onto the victory long enough,

and i let everything go,

my hope and my goals. 

after that, nothing is what’s left.

currently giving into distraction

something is really wrong with me.
because i have reached a point of complacency.
there always exist this point,
where i have exerted all the energy,
i have left.
similar to fxxks,
as i stop giving them.

i see these beautiful things,
and these beautiful creations and collaborations 

& i feel like they must not be like me.
i bet they never get tired.
or they plan their tired, 

delegate a portion of time,
to doing nothing.
why can't i delegate my time.
why can't i be as disciplined.

on paper it seems as if i'm doing a lot,
as if i'm working towards a dream,
that i'm leveling up, 

but in reality,
it always feels as if,
i'm not doing enough.
not enough for my education,
not enough for my work,
not enough for my writing,
not enough for my blogging,
not enough for my creativity,
not enough for my advocacy, 

not enough for my God,

not enough for my church,
not enough for my man,
not enough for my friends.

some of it is drama,
plagued with exaggeration,
and some of it is natural,
worthy of respect and acknowledgement and compassion,
but i cannot tell the difference,
i cannot tell you,
how much of it is my own fault,
compared to what's expected from reality.

will i ever be better,
i cannot tell.
my faith says yes,
my fear says hell no.
but what i do know.
is fear has no place here,
so even still,
in the midst of all this confusion,
what effort i do give,
is not for nothing.
even when it makes no sense,
i will replace fear with faith.

what are feelings for?

what are feelings for?
are they something other than what we think?
a misunderstood trait, altered & manipulated to work against us?
if they are being used for evil, they were first once meant for good.
because good proceeds evil in all things.
good feeling, heavenly feeling, what is your true nature?
where does your purpose lie?

feelings resemble waves.
flowing in and out and through life.
controlling instead of being controlled.
laying claim to our time, to our thoughts.
in another space, could you be tamed?
can i be so decisive about what i feel that it manifest before me?

i feel orange, with ruffles and a hint of sparkle.
i feel love, loyalty, commitment.
i feel provision constantly.
i feel wisdom always.
i feel, therefore it is.

why can't i control my feelings & instead they control me?
who let this flood of confusion, masquerading as feeling into my body?
deciding what you feel can be a choice. can i have it?
i'll know why, i know why i'll feel peace,
why i'll feel compassion, why i'll feel love,
feel pink, sparkle and waterfalls,

i'll feel limitless.
i will feel these things so strongly,
that in everything, i'll feel love.

because in feeling lies power.
can it be reclaimed?
where feelings could motivate action &
we wouldn't have to work against ourselves.
denying the waves of feeling that go against our duties.
as a daughter, as a friend, as a neighbor, as a provider, as a pillar of peace. 

2018 ressurection day

happy easter y'all.
i was wondering how i would demonstrate my love for easter today.

my church and i have been going through a transition phase,
and attending just didn't spark the inspiration that it usually does on holidays.
so i decided to by pass attending and instead watch it online.

and although i'm growing,
in both knowledge and wisdom,
sometimes my growth feels like i'm leaning away from God,
and more on myself.
and for me, that's tragic.
because if that's true, it will only last for awhile,
but God's guidance and protection last forever and never fail.

but then i realized, that my steps of growth,
have been ordered by God.
i lean less on God regarding trials i'm familiar with,
and more on the larger trials that come my way.
mo money mo problems.
God wants me to grow in strength and knowledge,
because that in an of itself is a testimony to His majesty.
the trials i've been through, to get where i'm at,
i would not be here if it wasn't for the grace and mercy of God
that supplements my insufficiencies.
because in an of myself, i could not do what i've done!

even as i sit here, sitting in bed,
my life could either be categorized as shambles,
or as a testimony to the power of God's peace that He gives me,
through His son Jesus, who has given His life,
so that I may live mine with God and Him in it.

the IRS is trying to come for me.
i'm behind on assignments in school.
my employees at times are unpredictable.
my boyfriend is away in another country.
i need my brakes done, but I just bought a new purse.
mind you, my last check went nearly to all bills.

but these trials, i've seen them before.
and the wisdom God has given me,
about my priorities allows me to place the most weight,
on the fact that i'm still here, and that I still keep going.
my family and my partner are my support system,
Christ is my overseer.
i'm at peace because I believe in the power that Christ has afforded me.
i am not phased, i am motivated, i am hopeful, full of holy expectancy.
this is the greatest gift.
that even though everything does not seem ideal,
it is getting better daily.
better in ways beyond my imagination.

this is my 2018 easter and i am so grateful.

death of self confidence

i always surprise myself.
is this good?
always being surprised that you're actually more sufficient,
than you thought you were?
why you always thinking you insufficient?

confidence in Christ,
is so much better than confidence in self.
i believe i am always in this battle,
because this world pushes so much need for self-confidence on you.
but this is not me.

if i attempt to act like this, from the self,
it is inconsistent,
it is not sustainable,
it is fake, most times,
and keeps you from acting in honesty with others.

but when i am confident in Christ,
for the sake of my relationship with my God
for the sake of my own well-being,
for the sake of my intimate relationship,
for the sake of my family,
for the sake of my efforts,
for the sake of my friends,
for the sake of my career,
it is not in vain.

only i can be inconsistent,
the Lord cannot.
He will always come through,
He will always love,
and grant peace,
and defeat that which acts against you.

it is when i forget this,
and judge my circumstances based off my own capacity,
and judge my future based off my own capacity,
that i am destined to fail,
that i am destined to break.
alone i am weak,
in Christ i am everything good.

imagine that.

intense transitions

i wrote this last week, 
but waited until now to post it. 
i've moved in now. God did it. :) 
#amen

____________________________________

i’m moving.

uprooting myself in an attempt to root myself somewhere else.
being uprooted is not my preferred state.
i prefer stability and preparedness.
i was neither prepared mentally or emotionally for this.
let alone, had no idea as to where my new home would be.
can. you. say. anxiety. 

luckily my faith is so deep-rooted,
that fear has a hard time latching on to me.
so although i was uncomfortable,
still somewhat uncomfortable,
i am able to dismiss feelings of hopelessness and despair. 

really, we live in a society that is unstable.
at any moment a natural disaster can happen,
the economy can fail,
a discouraging doctor’s visit can bring unexpected information,
your relationships can fall through…
really, we have no control.
the only control we have is our response.
will you respond in strength and hope,
or in fear?

moving is only one of the few battles i’m currently facing.
because i can only control myself,
tribulations consistently meet me,
but with every win you acquire,
with steadfastness in love & faith,
the bigger your mind grows,
the stronger your heart becomes,
and you find yourself surprised and uber grateful,
at the person you’re becoming. 

so i accepted this battle,
because really, i had no choice.
i wasn’t going to end my life,
due to the worlds cruelty.
in my best language, fxxk that.
love is always bigger and brighter than hate,
even if it isn’t always so clear.
& i prayed, and prayed, & cried, & prayed.
i went through so many intense emotions,
it was sometimes nauseating.
but i put myself out there,
expecting deep down, to win. 

my credit score was eehhh,
there was even some stuff on my credit report,
that i hadn’t done myself,
that i had no idea about,
until i was so close to closing a deal.
it can also be argued,
that i don’t make enough,
to technically ‘win’ in this society.
or at least live in an a-1 desirable neighborhood. 

but luckily for me,
even though it’s more about grace than luck,
a desirable neighborhood to me, isn’t everyones desire.
and the people making the decisions in deciding
if i was the right tenant,
for some reason, they liked me,
and they trusted me. me. a complete stranger. 

i haven’t moved in yet,
but i do have a move-in date for the 30th.
until i’m in,
i don’t think i’ll be completely at ease,
or ideally comfortable,
but what I’ve gotten to take away from this already,
all this grace being displayed in my life,
it’s incredible.
i chose to show up,
and God showed out. :)

exclaiming victory

sometimes i struggle,
attempting to be perfect & right from all angles.
in my own capacity though, that is impossible.

so the only analysis i can give,
is the result of what my eyes see,
what my heart feels,
what my mind comprehends.
therefor, i am the living proof,
i'm the truth that maters amongst my own words.

lol, that's my introduction to what i shall proceed to write after this quick explanation. for these words i was attempting to capture moments and feelings of redemption and victory for a long-standing battle i've been plagued with since i was a child. the moments being focused on is only one example of the many victories God has helped deliver to me. :)

it's one thing to know you've risen above
the circumstances of your past.
to have found and shed light on your worth & value,
after you've been fighting against the dark for so long.
but then it is another,
to live your, newly found & steadily growing, light & value,
directly in the face of darkness !!

...because the darkness will continue to exists,
whether you choose to live within it or not.
& even though you've overcome it,
it will revisit, attempting to break you again.
it will wait for its perfect time,
attacking where it thinks you're weak,
with no shame.
...at least, this is my experience with it.

but, i have no fear.
my faith rest in the creator of the universe,
& His Son who has proven to love me more,
than the world could ever.

so even in the face of darkness, &
all of darkness' allies,
all the people being used, to carry out its will,
against me & others,
i stand steadfast in my light, my value and worth,
unaffected, #unbothered! hey now...lol.

this victory is so powerful,
so uplifting,
comforting beyond understanding,
this is my experience.

as for my self-proclaimed enemies,
who have allowed themselves to be used,
spewing out darkness,
they get no reaction from me,
just this testimony exclaiming their defeat.

your value; uncompromised

can i say something…
the perverted dependency women have for men, 
it disgust me. 
i don’t want it. 
anymore. lol.

the admiration, 
the respect, 
the admittance of desire, 
yes. these things i will participate in…
gladly. 

but the yearn, the desperation, the incomprehensible willingness 
to sacrifice our respect….no. no. nooo.

& i’m not a man hater. 
i love men. 
their drive, competitiveness & aggressiveness, 
their natural nature to be logical & assess without emotion, their entire essence;
i find these things very valuable, 
especially in association to myself & how i am. 

& i even find myself passionate about serving one another in intimate relationships. 
providing for one another’s needs in a way that only the other can provide…
i believe this unity is not easy to create & maintain, but it is a priceless gift in our lives. 

but so often, we as women become our own worst enemy. 
over analyzing someones attraction to us, or lack there of…
i’m specifically speaking on the variable of negative emotions women feel about themselves, 
brought on by the action or lack of action from a man. 
a reaction to disappointment is natural…
but there are good reactions, in which you acknowledge, learn & grow. 
& then there are bad reactions, in which you stay stuck: out of desperation, confusion, fear.

i’ve experienced this. i’ve been very intimate with bad thoughts & bad decisions. 
i see myself in other’s bad decisions, knowing i’ve been there. 
stuck in some rotten mindset, that sets us back, instead of setting us up for something better. 
...when we just continue to take from ourselves, instead of investing in ourselves. 

the type of intimacy so many women desire, 
it cannot be forced or manipulated. 
it has to make itself available, 
we as women have to recognize real opportunity, 
one that isn't forced or disillusioned into existence... 
& then proceed to act as if we want it. 

but in the midst of that, 
we have standards ... standards there to keep us from attacking ourselves.
prevent us from manipulating ourselves, 
feeling bad about ourselves. 

our value and appeal...
by no means does it lie in the opinion of a man. 
men didn't make us, God did. 
we can't give that power to someone else, 
for that disrespects us & our creator. 
therefore, your worth & appeal, 
are never compromised hunny. :)

i was reluctant to write this. 
i didn’t want to come off perpetrating ‘expert’. 
but i am a young women, with a critical thinking mind, approaching this with a genuine heart. 
my perspective is also valuable, & the possible benefit of sharing outweighed my reluctancy. 
therefor ...