my companion

i am going to puush this out,
because i want this.
i want this bad, and i want it now.
& i'm the only thing that would keep it from happening.

i don't much like redundancy.
i only want the best version,
and everything else is irrelevant.

unfortunately in relationships that can't happen.
this hesitation exist,
as i make you the madness behind this movement.
because the idea,
of you simply falling into a template,
makes me nauseous.

but i planned ahead.
& while i was giving love to another previously.
i made the choice to do so,
with full consciousness.
so regrets can be kept to a minimum.

& since then i've accepted,
that this is just how i work.
my admirers become my subjects.
not exclusively,
but they do happen to liven up this space,
quite often. :)

& that anyone lucky enough to fill that spot.
should feel privileged,
as i feel,
that they get a dedication spot,
in my safe haven of words..
simply because i'm pretty particular about my shit. :)

what else

you test me in a way that makes me uncomfortable.
you defy all relatable logic.
& enough of us is brand new in my experience,

that i cant do this without help.
you completely require guidance.
but even then.
it. is. not. easy.

i worry about myself.
my own survival.
my own integrity.
my own reputation.
& i constantly think about what i'm putting on the line,
for a preference, turned dream, turned hope,
working towards necessity.

it. is. unreal.
but then again, what is.
i have this idea,
of what i think this should be like.
from what i think i see.
& then what i interpret.
but then again, how unreal is that.

i assess what gives me doubt.
what pulls me away,
& brings the thug out.
it's the pride.
my pride.
telling me of what i deserve,
when i deserve it,
& how.

but then i think on God.
my Father in heaven.
the creator of me. of you. of everything.
& how completely selfless He requires us to be.
& how our pride can be our death.
& how you are my completely, totally, utterly my preference.
& how genuine and sincere i'm being.
with myself when i say that.

so many times i dont know what else to do,
but pray.
ive completely give in
to what's alive within me,
surrounded by a culture,
that's okay with being less.
and then there's you.
& i want you to be my other person.
& that want,
makes me so vulnerable.

i'm not completely sure why you're the one.
but i don't even hesitate saying it.
where does this faith come from? why?
this can be so difficult.
completely frustrating.
even overpowering.
i don't want to deal alone anymore.

forgive me.
im big enough to see when i come across a mistake.
a misconception. smh.
cause i was just sooo sure.
and i was wrong.

how could i have missed this?
i swear i tried.
i remembered.
think i gave the whole thing play.
but then. i couldnt piece it all together.

whatever the reasons that may be.
that fact still remains.

so now, here i am. listening.
in the midst of conflict.
that arised from a 'lack of regard' to something that was so significant.
then my attempts to dismiss it.
smh. icing on the cake.

were always so worried if the other person can make it. if they can make that commitment to a vision always weathering a storm. 

my attitude needed to be put in check. lol. he's obviously still the man here. lol. :)

my re-draft attitude includes so much more of him. and me. back in my place. eager to learn. lol.