a trip to hell

 a few things.

knowing that God created you on purpose is a powerful revelation.  

i’ve been a little irresponsible. i’ve encountered many beautiful and healing truths that i’ve forgotten to write down. an injustice really.

but in an effort of amends, i come here with the intent of laying my current truth out with words.

that i’ve been away to a dark place. alone slowly sinking further into an abyss. fear filled me, fogging my vision like a haze of hate. i was present in body only. my mind had been lost and my soul was burning. 

the lies felt like the only truth i could trust. 

in those moments you need someone who won’t give up on you. even though the terror has you pushing them away. but God needs to remind you, a way to get you to remember, just for a second, an undeniable truth that is written on your heart. 

for me, that was that i was created on purpose. with intention. out of love. meant for joy. no matter what is happening now. all the mistakes i’ve made, the binds i’m currently in, my creation cannot be disputed and neither can the Creator. the Creator made me, & He is righteous, perfect and loves me perfectly. 

at once i realized the lie beneath my eyes. because no way could i be abandoned, left for dead, useless and invaluable. God called me a masterpiece, created me in His holy image. lol. my being is the embodiment of love, righteousness, glory. i’m the bees knees, 1 of 1, created on purpose, with intention, ain’t nun like me. :)

and God used this imperfect being and made him perfect for me. and sometimes that bothers me. because sometimes it doesn’t look how i think it should look. and then the question becomes what is the source of my vision. is it the world or is it Christ. and then layers of false truths, misconceptions and assumptions come unraveling.

i don’t know if the public will understand this one. i may be a little too in my head, driven by my heart. but it’s honesty and it’s necessary. 

you were created in the image of God and no matter how far we go off course or distance ourselves from that truth we can always decide we want it to be true again and God will honor us, honor His truth, His original love for you when He made us, when Christ died for us. the greatest fucking sacrifice! for you. for us. 

 _________ some new affirmations in rotation____________

God is my father. 

Christ is the Son of God and my brother.

Christ saved me from destruction and from the evil of and in this world.

God has created me in His image, i am an image bearer of God my father, of Heaven, holiness, righteousness, power, peace, joy, wisdom, beauty and all good things.

i have been given power over all the powers and principalities of this world through Christ the Son, the Holy Spirit within me and God my Father. 

the Father will never forsake me, Christ is never far from me and the Holy Spirit is always in me guiding me.

i rebuke all devils, demons and any evil thing, lie & perversion from me, my family, our communities, our dwellings & possessions and anything that concerns us, & i send them to where Jesus sends them and i bind them & command them to stay there. 

in Jesus name, amen 🙏🏾 

the testimony of a failure.

it's a bit of a challenge for me to even start this.
considering where i start, how i start,
the places my spirit has been,
the lessons i've learned,
the realizations that i've had.

ultimately, i'm in a better place than i was a few weeks ago,
a few months ago,
a few years ago.
i truly hope you can say the same.

however, for a short time, i didn't feel like it.
i had felt the worst i have ever felt in a very long time.
this time, not at the hands of another,
but at my own.
that sense of failure is the worse.
when you feel that you are the cause of your own demise,
that you don't have what it takes to get where you 'need' to be.

it was important for me to write this for a few reasons.
one. to share my testimony of failure.
honestly, a huge part of my purpose is to overcome. as proof that it can be done.
two. for myself. to put into permanent words that i am in this uncertain and unfamiliar circumstance but yet, it still does not define me.
that at the same time i am living through something so undesirable,
i have so much to be thankful for.
to realize my own power is not all that matters, but that the gifts that God gives me through other people are just as significant and glorious.
truly very humbling.

i pride myself on being self-sustainable.
and even as i type those words i realize there is so much wrong with that statement.
pride is a farce.
a fake force we use to stand upon that ultimately will never do anything of value for us.
it is not how we or this world were created.
and self-sustainable? what a joke.
it is one thing to be lazy and to rely on others for everything with no intention of giving back,
and it is another to walk around as if you actually made yourself.
as if you thought of yourself before the creation of the earth.
as if you birthed yourself.
we literally must rely on the selflessness of another to be born.
and that is not a burden, but a gift.
therefore to realize that we were created to need help,
to work with others,
to give and to be given unto
is not a negative trait or weakness,
but actually a great strength.

i feel the tears coming now
as the spirit of God leads me through this post.
i usually always tend to know what i want to write,
but God always leads the words i use,
establishes the points that are made,
lays out the truths that are revealed.
He is truly the author.

i don't want to get too specific about the failure i've experienced.
for while i regard these words as personal while still open to having them read by the public,
there are some i wish i could actually block.
and i do not have enough strength as of yet,
to be vulnerable with those
i truly do not personally prefer.

but know, that i would be categorized as ambitious.
and career accomplishments mean a great deal more than they should to me.
and in one of my greatest and most challenging marathons, i have 'failed'.

failed is in quotes, because honestly, it is subjective and objective at the same time.
i literally did fail the challenge, but my failure has aided in my success in so many other areas of my existence that God would find much more important.
and realizing that was another challenge.
a challenge that i am winning at.

my dad reminded me of something a few days ago,
that a true test and showing of character are our actions when we fall.
so while it was tough getting back up. so so tough.
especially after truly wishing i were dead instead of alive,
believing that i wasn't worth the ground that i was walking on,
feeling unworthy of all the blessings i had received and was still receiving,
after some time i still got up.
i am still thankful.
i still feel blessed.
i still feel like i'm the shxt.
i still feel that God created me on purpose,
and that i cannot be faded.

on top of that,
i still receive opportunities to do what i've always wanted to do.
my cup is still overflowing,
and God has been there every step of the way. 

so honestly, i must ask God for forgiveness.
not for doubting His existence,
but doubting His provision and love for me.
for undermining His purpose and believing that me and my life must have been a mistake.
the thoughts i thought, the words i spoke, the feelings i allowed myself to feel
were a disservice to me and all those who cared for me.
i shut people out, i wallowed in my pain and found joy in my demise.
it was selfish, shortsighted and ignorant.
i let the enemy convince me that all God had done for me meant nothing.
i let myself believe that all God had helped me accomplish thus far was a joke.

it's funny. i 'pride' myself in seeing the value of community. lol.
and i turn my nose up at elitism.
but when it comes to myself, i let the very truths i preach, do nothing to lift me up.
some of my mentees reached out to me that weekend, unknowing of the tragic circumstance,
to tell me how much i meant to them.
my life long friends reached out to me repeatedly so concerned with my well-being, also not knowing the circumstance.
my parents still had the audacity to be proud of me even though i felt as if i let them down.
my mentor still saw value in me, my colleagues still wanted to collaborate with me.
i had to dig deep into the Word of God to seek understanding only to find it and establish an even greater relationship.
i am looking at myself from the outside in to see the most accurate perspective of my life and my circumstance and what i see, i am still in love with. <3