a year of breakthroughs

the feelings i carry are strength and power.

joy with good expectation.

gratitude for my holy community,

provision from my Heavenly Father. 

we feel protected and happy,

with knowledge that together in Him,

we could never lack. 

i have changed my life for the better,

and leant on my faith to do it.

the light, i couldn’t see at first,

fear and resistance was all i felt.

but i remembered the pain i felt in my heart

& the prayers between me and the Father,  

& i continued on,

as we had discussed.

packing up my stuff & my heart 

knowing that leaving,

was better than staying. 

why would i care

why do i care so much about pleasing you,

when you will just do what you want to. 

even at the expense of us,

with a disregard for me.

i don’t deserve effort?

i don’t deserve discipline?

i don’t deserve respect? 

or maybe sometimes,

but only you get to decide. 

how can you be the head

when you possess no brain.

...because you must be stupid.

to taint life with death,

to bring rain into our sunshine,

to think you could still have,

what you gave away,

when you gave into yourself,

instead of giving into us.

why would i care at all about pleasing you

clarity in love

hheeeyyyyy,

its been awhile and i've missed you.
i'm learning discipline currently,
and learning to organize my life based on my priorities.
of course in order to do that,
I have to figure out what my priorities should be.
it's a process and I got some ways to go.

now though i'm currently afflicted by my period,
and the hormonal abuse attacking my brain. lol.
in other words, i. am. emo!
some of it justified,
most of it an extra petty attack on my emotions.

but this motivated me to attempt to outline
my perspective and expectations with my relationship partner.

because here you have
two whole individual people
who want to come together (for whatever reason)
and bring their whole selves and their whole lives with them.
i don't know about most people but for me,
that idea is a bit overwhelming.

each person has their own history,
and they also have a present,
and then they have all this stuff in between
which is a record and illustration of their
character, perspective and the cards life deals.
we're just all trying to figure out the best way to live.

so when one person with all their baggage life deals,
wants to mutually share life with another who has their own baggage that life deals,
it. can. get. crazy.

you guys, i'm already crazy.
trying to navigate through my mind in the presence of
my life baggage,
his life baggage,
and the baggage that we've accumulated together,
sometimes makes me really crazy.

i lose sight of my original motivations,
my original relationship goals,
the perspective i've established as someone's girlfriend.
i'm not able to discern what i want from what i don't want and why.
i begin to act from feeling rather than emotion.
& then i begin to abuse myself because i'm disappointed at my inability to keep it together.

but if i realistically outline,
my purpose for being in a relationship,
and what i realistically need from my partner (while considering that he is also just human),
in order to give him what he needs,
then i can reference this,
and regather my perspective and approach.

so for me, what is the value of being in a relationship; 
the consideration the person you prefer gives you.
the powerful love someone has for you, and the affection they show you.
the reliability and consistency that comes from making a commitment to your person.
the first place spot.

& many other elements go into making the above initiatives happen.
but let's say that all of our actions, should support one of the above initiatives.

i'm going to start here,
in examining the expectations i have for myself towards my partner,
and the expectations i have for my partner towards me. 

clueless

whoa nellie, that's how i'm feeling right now.
this post is going to be topical. meaning focused on a specific topic. lol.

there are some things i have to experience,
before i truly understand them,
or understand an age-old concept about them.

it's bazaar that some truths remain truths forever.
characteristics of people, or certain traits attributed to men or women.
old history and old text constantly confirm,
people were bazaar and self-harm inflicting then, & they are now as well.
this can be taken in a serious perspective,
but it can also be taken in a humorous one.

i never actually thought i would be the dumb girl,
in the old rom-com movies i watched as a child, and a teen.
all the game i had spotted growing up,
was sure to keep me from getting played.
but it's nothing like actually being there.
experiencing the feelings and thoughts that drive undesirable situations into existence.
women and men have been feeling and thinking those things for centuries.

some things have become cliches,
because they are nearly inevitably true.
not everyone is the same, there are exceptions, always, that's a gift,
but, it can be said, that a lot of women have relatable experiences with one another,
because the problematic man/woman scenario has existed also, for centuries.
& the women's submissive status has been perverted by men in every part of the world.

i say that to say, i thought it was kind of funny,
that at the current moment, i can look at my 'romantic' life,
and spot so many fxxking cliches. lol.
'rebounds' especially sorely stick out,
and how dumb you can be when experiencing them.
not realizing that you have all of these open and active emotions,
from your past relationship, that are pouring into and clouding your
judgement with this new dude.
& you're just sitting there wondering,
'why do i have all the feels for this guy,
is this God', no bxtch, it's you, being reckless.
impatient and ignorant.
but look,
i wouldn't know if i didn't do it. lol.
sometimes i have to be stupid that way.
not condoning this,
just being transparent.

i felt all those 90 and early 2000 movies flooding into my memory,
about how guys are deuschbags, and girls are too feel-y, too fast.
& then even some of the super ratchet ones, where i could make a decision,
'was i going to be about that life, or not' (crying face emoji here)
nah, not over here. at least not right now, & hopefully not ever.
i had a taste & i'm not with the shxts.
& guys, will take you out of your character,
dangling fake love in front of your face,
as if that's not corny.
special place in hell for you bro,
you better repent.
open your fxxkin eyes.

anyway, the world keeps turning.
i'm just going to get a better handle on that shxt.

love's risk

i want to step back, 

look at me, my actions, my thoughts, 

all objectively. 

i think i'm acting inappropriately, 

i think i'm assuming and jumping to conclusions. 

two reasons. 

one due to my own guilt. 

second, because the devil doesn't want me to have this. 

he's making it easy for me, 

to settle in selfishness and near sightedness, 

making it hard to act from appreciation, 

instead acting from suspicion and coldness. 

sometimes i lose my frame of reference, for the worst. 

and i consider and evaluate circumstances that aren't real, 

or haven't happened. 

giving time analyzing thoughts that have should have no real basis. 

it's disturbing. wasting life, while simultaneously ruining it. 

you can fall deeper into despairing thoughts, 

give in to them all, 

the ones about our love, 

ourselves, 

our worth. 

i don't want that cancer to live between us. 

i don't want to self-destruct, 

and kill off all the relationships around me. 

i don't want to be scared to love the hardest. 

i don't want to fear having to forgive.

i want to value you as a whole, 

not pick you apart. 

easier said than done. 

but here's the risk, 

because i'm going to try God here, 

all the time. 

i'm going to be a beacon of love, 

i'm going to let God use me, 

& i'm going to trust Him, not you, 

to always keep me safe, 

to always keep us safe. 

Letting God Lead : In-Relationships

being okay with it not going your way.

first and foremost, i’m blessed. 

my life is blessed. 

& sometimes i get selfish & high-strung, 

as if i, solely, am responsible for how blessed my life is. 

& sometimes i begin to think, 

whole-heartedly, 

regarding all things, 

that i know what’s best for me & my life. 

aaahhahhahahaha. 

that’s a joke if i ever heard one.

now look, 

Jesus has turned me into an optimist. 

even when i come across challenges & tragedies, 

i know that God has & will turn it into something amazing. 

my character after experience in living this life, 

is testimony to that fact. 

…this is the basis of why i refer to my life as blessed.

back to me thinking i know how my life should be….

scenario. 

let’s say God gave me a good thing, 

& with God, through God, I cultivate that good thing, 

as God intended, 

into a great thing. great for the thing, great for me, & great for God. 

but then. 

i start feeling’ myself. like aww, shxt, i’m the shxt. 

& while that is true, 

it wasn’t on my terms. 

it wasn’t something i thought, planned, & brought to my doorstep. 

I let God lead me there, 

I prayed to God for the strength, for the creativity, the patience. 

so when exactly, did this become my plan, extracting God?

sike.

i say that to say, 

that even in relationships, 

relationships especially, 

as a girl, i can get carried away. 

start creating this perfect plan in my head, 

about how me and my partner will cultivate this amazing relationship. 

& then comes all these expectations, 

false ones, not based in real truth but fantasy, 

that i place on not only myself, but my partner. 

then it’s all downhill from there. 

i didn’t even create my own life, i let God do that, 

so what makes me think i can create a perfect one that includes another imperfect human being? 

that’s unrealistic.

so i’ve cancelled my expectations, 

not my standards. God gave us those to protect us. 

but expectations for a perfect relationship & those involved, yes. 

i’ve never even been in a perfect relationship, 

how would i even know what that looks like?

but i do trust God. 

so much so, 

that i know He will cultivate a relationship, 

that is perfect for me. 

& only He knows the inside of another’s heart, 

their motivations, their secret desires, 

He knows info, i could never. 

so He will be my filter.

because look, these nxgguhs, …and me, is crazy.

your value; uncompromised

can i say something…
the perverted dependency women have for men, 
it disgust me. 
i don’t want it. 
anymore. lol.

the admiration, 
the respect, 
the admittance of desire, 
yes. these things i will participate in…
gladly. 

but the yearn, the desperation, the incomprehensible willingness 
to sacrifice our respect….no. no. nooo.

& i’m not a man hater. 
i love men. 
their drive, competitiveness & aggressiveness, 
their natural nature to be logical & assess without emotion, their entire essence;
i find these things very valuable, 
especially in association to myself & how i am. 

& i even find myself passionate about serving one another in intimate relationships. 
providing for one another’s needs in a way that only the other can provide…
i believe this unity is not easy to create & maintain, but it is a priceless gift in our lives. 

but so often, we as women become our own worst enemy. 
over analyzing someones attraction to us, or lack there of…
i’m specifically speaking on the variable of negative emotions women feel about themselves, 
brought on by the action or lack of action from a man. 
a reaction to disappointment is natural…
but there are good reactions, in which you acknowledge, learn & grow. 
& then there are bad reactions, in which you stay stuck: out of desperation, confusion, fear.

i’ve experienced this. i’ve been very intimate with bad thoughts & bad decisions. 
i see myself in other’s bad decisions, knowing i’ve been there. 
stuck in some rotten mindset, that sets us back, instead of setting us up for something better. 
...when we just continue to take from ourselves, instead of investing in ourselves. 

the type of intimacy so many women desire, 
it cannot be forced or manipulated. 
it has to make itself available, 
we as women have to recognize real opportunity, 
one that isn't forced or disillusioned into existence... 
& then proceed to act as if we want it. 

but in the midst of that, 
we have standards ... standards there to keep us from attacking ourselves.
prevent us from manipulating ourselves, 
feeling bad about ourselves. 

our value and appeal...
by no means does it lie in the opinion of a man. 
men didn't make us, God did. 
we can't give that power to someone else, 
for that disrespects us & our creator. 
therefore, your worth & appeal, 
are never compromised hunny. :)

i was reluctant to write this. 
i didn’t want to come off perpetrating ‘expert’. 
but i am a young women, with a critical thinking mind, approaching this with a genuine heart. 
my perspective is also valuable, & the possible benefit of sharing outweighed my reluctancy. 
therefor ...

ConfessionSessionSeries : the finale reflection

I started confession session like a month & a few days ago.
i finished. did all 40 confessions, 2/day, for 20 days. :)
back to back. no biggie.
a reasonable service.
but i had no finale. not yet, until now. lol

it was important for me to present a finish,
not directly for you, but, in the sense that,
i really needed it too. a time to reflect,
because for me, this is just as much as a learning experience.
as i'm writing it, i'm living it, trying, trying, trying, over & over.

& recently what has stood out to me the most,
'...is that it's never too late'
getting caught up in the guilt, the stress, the distress,
the desire to give-in, ...can sometimes over take us to the point,
that we feel soo undeserving, so much so it dulls our wills to even try.
but no. more than ever. no matter how unnatural or illogical it might feel,
i know it is worth it to give effort, to put forth,
even if i didn't, just a moment before,
if i feel i can now, just do it.
..... all of that's kind of broad, i know, but it is a generalization of how my
perspective & effort are evolving.
hey, even this post.
it's late.
my series ended Tuesday i think.
i had a deadline by Friday, mid-day.
it's currently Sat afternoon. ;)
just keep going. & there is reason to remain happy about it.
excited, expectant, knowing that your spirit & heart is real.
& that God is your spirit's & life's overseer. :)

confessions help me keep that. always. at the forefront of my mind.
they help keep my spirit lively, receptive & bold.
they keep away guilt, shame and fear,
& they are constantly refilling me on hope, love & joy, to give...

because of that significance,
it was inevitable that i share,
eventually. lol.
it's so powerful, so overwhelmingly real,
& for everyone.
fueled by the Origin of Love, for you!
there are so many things we don't yet understand,
& learning all of that is a process.
but initially; know that you're loved,
by the Creator of Love, Himself,
& that no other love is truer & realer & pure
& powerful & unconditional, as that.
& through your journey of growth, & realizations,
you will come to know the truth & the depth of the truth.
& confessions are necessary for your journey.
for you to know who you truly are in the face of adversity,
will be necessary. confessions. confessing who you are,
& what that means for your life, consistently, writing that onto your mind,
onto your heart, illuminating your spirit,
it manifest the transformation God has for you! :)
so that you may know who you truly are,
even in the face of your most powerful adversary.

what happens when you repeat. receiving faith.

i'm finally listening to my insides, 

when it gives me a lovefaith topic, 

to share thoughts about. 

i think this will be some what of a series, between this blog & my other, averyashlay.com. 

this entry focusing on how i feel about faith confessions in general, 

& others about specific faith confessions & what they mean for your life. :)

posts full of life and love. #amen. 

confessions. 

we hear about the power of confessions constantly. 

about the affects of what you constantly confess. 

we don't really listen though. we don't apply it. consciously. 

because regardless of if you're aware of it or not, 

you're confessing things over your life & others constantly.

if you really comprehended the power of spoken words, 

would you make more of an attempt to change it?

if you realized how much you've hurt your own self by the things you've already confessed over your own life, 

would you invest the time and focus into the process of changing it?

I have this list of confessions i received from my church. 

it takes bible verses God made as promises and writes them in a form 

you can easily read over your life. 

for example. 'I am Healed by His Stripes' (1 Peter 2:24)
the truth in this verse, makes this statement real and true if you decide to take it for yourself, 

but do you understand, you're the one who has to take the promises. 
God gave them, but you have to receive them. that is your action. your belief, which activates the realness. 

God did this for you. He has givin you answers and solutions. He has givin you promises and forgiveness. take it. feel love. know it. your only reaction to receiving something so real, so pure, so undeserved, is to spread it. :)

inadequacy.

so yesterday,
i had this mini mental breakdown.
& while its power is diminishing,
little remnants are still present.

i adore my job,
i adore even more,
being able to do my job well.
when my expectations aren't met,
it's no one else's fault but my own.
because if i was as good as i should be,
then i would always be up.
& although logically, i can assess, that that's not true,
in my mind when it happens,
even now,
it doesn't matter.

so naturally,
as one thing begins to lead to another,
i start to feel incredibly inadequate,
in all things.
especially when it involves being loved by another person,
specifically relationships.

when the person i adore,
is a person i admire,
because of his drive,
his accomplishments,
someone i see as capable,
of possessing everything he desires,
where possibly could my inadequacy fit into that?!
it doesn't.
how could someone like that,
want someone as inadequate as me?!

that. is the icing on the cake.
after that, i completely separate myself,
because my stability is shot,
and my worth has completely diminished…at least in my mind.

buut, wait for it, that silver lining.

(…now this instance is a bit specific,
more specific than usual for this blog,
but things like this happen to me constantly.
God using the universe to remind me,
of who i am, and how He works,
& that there is no higher power than Him.)

i've been following this women #KateNorthrup for a few weeks now, and she is a specialist in money management.
today, i decided to watch her FinancialFreedomFriday video on Net Worth & Friends.
focuses on the damage of comparing your lives to others,
& instead, how you can use someone else's success, as a positive for your own life. smfh.
perfect timing.
it's surreal, how these things fall into my lap. but i am forever grateful,
for these moments, that reassure my hope is not in vain,
& that my self worth is not equivalent to my net worth.
even though high net worth is in my financial future !! :)

what else

you test me in a way that makes me uncomfortable.
you defy all relatable logic.
& enough of us is brand new in my experience,

that i cant do this without help.
you completely require guidance.
but even then.
it. is. not. easy.

i worry about myself.
my own survival.
my own integrity.
my own reputation.
& i constantly think about what i'm putting on the line,
for a preference, turned dream, turned hope,
working towards necessity.

it. is. unreal.
but then again, what is.
i have this idea,
of what i think this should be like.
from what i think i see.
& then what i interpret.
but then again, how unreal is that.

i assess what gives me doubt.
what pulls me away,
& brings the thug out.
it's the pride.
my pride.
telling me of what i deserve,
when i deserve it,
& how.

but then i think on God.
my Father in heaven.
the creator of me. of you. of everything.
& how completely selfless He requires us to be.
& how our pride can be our death.
& how you are my completely, totally, utterly my preference.
& how genuine and sincere i'm being.
with myself when i say that.

so many times i dont know what else to do,
but pray.
ive completely give in
to what's alive within me,
surrounded by a culture,
that's okay with being less.
and then there's you.
& i want you to be my other person.
& that want,
makes me so vulnerable.

i'm not completely sure why you're the one.
but i don't even hesitate saying it.
where does this faith come from? why?
this can be so difficult.
completely frustrating.
even overpowering.
i don't want to deal alone anymore.