silence the noise.

life is a funny thing. 
so many opinions masquerading as truths, 
so many people with a platform for no other reason but being charismatic.
i would even argue that lies are so often promoted as part of a larger strategy.
if some are willing to push an agenda based on false narrative, 
whether consciously or unconsciously, they can benefit from being propped up and circulated. 

but just because a narrative is loud and repeated often, 
doesn't mean it's true. 
and that's the crazy part, 
the battle. 
because hearing is powerful. it's part of the design of you and i and this world as we know it. 
it's infectious. 
it's manipulative, in what can be either good or bad. 
it begins to shift your thinking which in turn can shift your mind, your brain, your chemistry. 

and that's the battle. 
because we have to fight and fight hard, 
to silence noise and false narratives. 
we have to look below the surface and dissect, 
what and who does this narrative serve. 

and if you have no foundation for what matters in life, 
this is not for you. 
you are destined to be thrown to and fro, from one idea to the next, 
never giving yourself the opportunity to be rooted in truth. 
never actually knowing who you are. 

as for me, i'm on heaven's side. 
the creators of the entire universe. 
Their mission is my mission. 
Their priorities are my priorities. 
obviously within scale. lol. 
but Their values are my values. 
Their truth is my truth. 

and whether you believe it or not. 
Their truth is the only truth. sorry not sorry. 
& i say that with an open mind and an open heart, 
knowing that their truths have been manipulated, 
extorted and misinterpreted for the sake of someone else's agenda, time and time again. 
but that does not negate the truth. that there is only one and it belongs to Them,
the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. 

i feel so called because like what?!
let me be a representative because baby, a lot of y'all got it backwards. 
first, if you're not leading with love, please sit down. 
let me elaborate. 

let's stop equating our path as the right one. 
know God and know that He is not limited in how He can move through another's life. 
another's life that may not look like yours. 
whose choices you may not understand. 
knock knock. God's way is the only right way, but that looks different for different people, 
with different purposes and different roles. 

and when you create discourse about how others should approach or live the life God created them to live, you are working against the trinity. 

so many of us, myself included try so hard to justify our wants. 
luxury everything, five star meals, around the world trips, over consumption, etc. etc. 
and while there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting nice things, 
we have to know where to place those things. 
we have to know where to place career ambition, 
we have to know where to place chasing beauty and attractiveness. 
we have to know where to place fitness and body goals. 
we have to know where to place sexiness. 
we have to know where to place wealth. 
we have to know where to place the party.

none of those things are God's priority, especially if they are not being used to further the kingdom. 
babyyy, you were bought with the heftiest price. 
your life is not your own. 
period. 
you are a steward of this life you've been given. 
you are precious and on purpose. you are one of one.
and your impact for the kingdom is invaluable. 
you, just yourself, are invaluable. 
but not because of what you've accomplished or what you've obtained, 
but simply as a creation of the most high creators. 

so let's stop platforming people just because they have what you think they want. 
is it Godly? is it in line with the purpose with which you were created?
being selfish has a place but it's limited and we've taken it too far. 
so how am i inspiring others? how am i uplifting those who see me?
how am i doing God's bidding?
it's not enough to love God in private but it should be reflected in our lifestyle and in our choices. 

the accountability factor

i'm starting this at work because it's super important to me that it gets done and after two days, we still have not started. 

this is a repeating pattern in my life. create mini goals and then forget about them. since they aren't huge milestone goals like, get a job, graduate college, they get passed over as too much time goes by. 

but i'm repenting. changing my mind about how i approach these goals. because honestly, they are smaller steps to bigger pictures. and as i get older, i realize how significant and necessary these smaller goals are. and honestly i'm tired of the lack of consistency and commitment. 

damn near every day God puts amazing ideas into my head. and like an inconsistent shepherd, i do not always put in the effort to address them. i'm hopeful about creating lasting change and this post is an element of that hope. 

i would also like to say that i am not ashamed of my shortcomings because i know that my family and I's success and wellbeing is not dependent on perfection. i also love who i am, who i was and who i am becoming. this is not an effort to change out of disdain, but out of a motivation and responsibility to level up. 

this is my accountability factor, my initiation factor, my affirmation factor. this is also an attempt at transparency because honesty is beautiful and so am i.

currently giving into distraction

something is really wrong with me.
because i have reached a point of complacency.
there always exist this point,
where i have exerted all the energy,
i have left.
similar to fxxks,
as i stop giving them.

i see these beautiful things,
and these beautiful creations and collaborations 

& i feel like they must not be like me.
i bet they never get tired.
or they plan their tired, 

delegate a portion of time,
to doing nothing.
why can't i delegate my time.
why can't i be as disciplined.

on paper it seems as if i'm doing a lot,
as if i'm working towards a dream,
that i'm leveling up, 

but in reality,
it always feels as if,
i'm not doing enough.
not enough for my education,
not enough for my work,
not enough for my writing,
not enough for my blogging,
not enough for my creativity,
not enough for my advocacy, 

not enough for my God,

not enough for my church,
not enough for my man,
not enough for my friends.

some of it is drama,
plagued with exaggeration,
and some of it is natural,
worthy of respect and acknowledgement and compassion,
but i cannot tell the difference,
i cannot tell you,
how much of it is my own fault,
compared to what's expected from reality.

will i ever be better,
i cannot tell.
my faith says yes,
my fear says hell no.
but what i do know.
is fear has no place here,
so even still,
in the midst of all this confusion,
what effort i do give,
is not for nothing.
even when it makes no sense,
i will replace fear with faith.

checking in with myself ...

so i had written this post previously,
to describe this cycle feeling i keep experiencing.
not being efficient, because i'm not feeling it ...
but feeling it even less due to the lack of efficiency taken place.
do you see how i could be the cause of my own problem,
& at some point, I have to take this initiative,
to go against the feeling of complacency,
and fear of failure, & realize there is immeasurable value in my efforts,
even if they only produce lessons and experience.

the post was to work through thoughts,
& feelings,
& meet some concrete answers & direction,
in terms of what i want,
what i can do,
& what is keeping me from it.

more than anything ...
i get a comforting feeling of appreciation & gratitude.
i realized a lot of my guilt was produced by false standards.
we get so caught up in what we haven't done,
& all the 'damage' that has been done because of it.
& the world telling us,
that really by 30,
you should be very close to some groundbreaking piece of work or invention...

the world gives me this sense of urgency,
that i should be doing all i can,
at this very moment. & if i don't,
i am deserving of nothing.
it produces unsatisfaction & selfishness.

but i love where i'm at.
the opportunity & spaces God has created for me.
these environments that open my eyes,
test my creativity & efficiency,
test my resilience & confidence,
i am so overwhelmingly grateful...
& i don't want to rush that.

by no means do I feel i've mastered all my current roles,
so why do I hate myself for not being in a place,
i'm still getting ready for?

i'm learning to treasure the process,
even more than I had before.
...because i've been in this place before,
& no doubt, i will meet it again later in life,
in the midst of some next transition.

i'm seeing more the value of small goals,
little commitments that turn into good habits.
& there are things I want to obtain,
achievements i want to accomplish,
that sometimes seem too big and farfetched,
but i am trusting in my journey,
the things that have already happened,
& all of the dreams i'm believing for. :)