do you value integrity?

(disclaimer. this post was inspired by frustration. lol)

i guess i can’t blame people for sacrificing integrity for the sake of community. 

God would say community is more important.

but for some reason, i can’t excuse my desire to be real all the time. consistently.

to mean what i say all the time, not just when it’s convenient for a certain audience.

my community may be smaller, i may be less attractive for certain types, 

but that seems to me to be a good thing. even if it doesn’t ‘feel’ like it all the time.

but who really suffers? i guess it just depends on where your importance lies.

you shake and jive for the people that surround you at the moment, 

just to talk badly about them when you’re with another.

honestly, isn’t it exhausting?

idk, i guess i can’t judge. 

we all handle the burdens of life differently. 

but it seems that a lack of foundation,

is only a breeding ground for confusion

and harvest doubt in self and God.

ultimately, a lack of faith. 

i’ve had my fair share of ups and downs

and hard lessons due to impatience, desperation and stupidity.

but ultimately, i’m always better than i was before.

in a better position than i was in before.

in a place where God won’t let my mistakes harm me, but uses them to teach me.

my dedication to truth has paid me well. 

i hope whatever you’re doing is working for you.

Standing Apart

When I was young I used to write about romance. Infatuations destined to fail that weren’t deserving of my attention or my efforts. But yet they remained the subject of my heart. 

Now I choose to write in a much more abstract way. Digging down to the root of the moment the desires that push us, the conflicts that keep us apart and why they are so. The tendencies of human nature. 

I believe we may attract similar brokenness we ourselves feel when choosing our companions, friends and lovers. And although it is easy to recognize and criticize in others, do we consider that maybe their brokenness is a reflection of ourselves?

If that’s the case, then our pride in what we see as righteousness is false and needs to be dismissed. The superiority we gain only exists to deceive and separate us from our community. How then do we address the obvious ungodliness that exists amongst us and in us?

Of course just recently, I wrote a note on a bible verse I highlighted during bible study. 

“And if anyone does not obey our word in this epistle, note that person and do not keep company with him, that he may be ashamed. Yet do not count him as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother.” II Thessalonians 3:14-15

A guide to how we should approach others in our community. Always making the value of community a priority. 💕

Then I also realized, that Christ never denied who He was. Although humility was always His character, He stood firm in His identity, being that He was the Son of the Almighty, to whom all of earth and heaven was given. Though He came to serve, He was the key to our existence, our prosperity, our wisdom.

Therefore, we can recognize our imperfections without denying our identity. We can acknowledge someone else's brokenness, and understand that it is a reflection of our own, while also understanding that it does not define or bind us.

That is the difference between them and we. For they may choose to deny their weaknesses, seeing no need for prayer and change. And we, we work diligently to see Christ as our reflection. To not let insecurity drive us to spite and fear drive us to deceit. In that truth we have strength and can continue to hold our head high. And although the world may regard us as weak, it is only for a moment.

power in community

my mind has a tendency to take things too far. 

i make a mistake, 

…because people make mistakes, 

and suddenly, 

i’m not deserving of life. 

suddenly all of my short comings

come racing to the front of my mind, 

trying to ‘remind’ me 

that i’m a disappointment, 

a waste of talent, 

disillusioned by my own conceit. 

but wait, 

there’s a kicker, 

because while i’m falling further and further

into despair by deceit, 

the power of God has to be tucked somewhere, 

somewhere away and deep, 

so that it doesn’t save me 

from this fake misery, 

slowly turning real. 

because in order for my mind to be completely taken, 

and in order to make myself into my own worse enemy, 

you have to attack the faith

i’ve so diligently built up until now. 

so what happens to it?

how does it become null and void?

well, in the process of blaming myself, 

for everything bad in life, 

i begin to feel undeserving. 

(as if, all that Grace and Mercy and Love God gives me, 

He some how does because I deserve it. LOL….)

& even though i’ve never deserved it, 

this hollow space i’m currently in, 

full of blame and bitchassness, 

has me feeling that God has abandoned me, 

due to my lack of efficiency and wasted value. 

what. a. place. to. be. in….

and then it only gets worse, 

and continues on and on, 

making everything miserable, 

isolating me from my community, 

because my affection has turned into annoyance

and I am slowly projecting the things that i feel, 

negativity, cynicism and selfishness. 

but today, something different happened. 

today i decided to talk about my mistake 

as soon as i made it, 

i begin to talk out how it made me feel, 

and the repercussions i knew to expect, 

from feeling so insufficient, 

and i kept talking, 

and literally, 

talked myself out of it. 

it’s as if all the bullshxt could not happen, 

because i had already deemed it, 

null and void. 

i’ve had experiences with this before, 

but at this time and this moment, 

it was a sign of something, 

God consistently reminds me of, 

that community. is. everything!

this is big for me because at times, 

i resent community. 

i resent not all being on the same page, 

i resent natural human interactions; 

insecurity, jealousy, pettiness, inauthenticity 

i can love you from a distance, 

but having to work closely, 

where your feelings affect progress, 

or my feelings affect my politeness, 

it’s. a. big. no. for. me. dog. 

but this is my challenge. 

this is my area of uncomfortable

that i must step up too and face head on. 

because community is everything. 

and for every compromised moment, 

a member of your community ushers in, 

they usually have many that illustrate

joy, selflessness, empathy, support, etc. 

you have to take the good with the bad, 

because the bad helps cultivate the good. 

we can use our reaction to negativity 

to fertilize the good we’re trying to grow. 

but we are the activators that must turn 

bad to good. 

& if we think, 

or i think, 

that i am above 

having to communicate with and support

unperfect people, 

i will never come into the fullness of my potential, 

i will never see the most magical parts of me, 

that God intended to grow in me. 

I would stay stuck full of resentment, 

fighting against the one thing

that I need to grow, 

grow wisdom, patience and effectiveness. 

having that small chit chat helped give me

hours and days of my life back. 

that conversation with a member of my community, 

who also from time to time, 

severely gets on my nerves, 

saved me from wasted moments of depression. 

i could never deny that power of solidarity, friendship and community. 

i’m praying that i never try to again. 

love like God

i felt compelled to write this,
because so many things are happening,
& constantly shifting,
but my core perspective and belief does not.
i'm rooted in this because it is always right.
& is not affected by the ever-changing society & world,
we are all apart of.
_______________________________________________________

My objective as a person is to be fruitful.
It is to receive God’s love and be so grateful that it pours from me onto and in someone else.
i believe all people were created by God, who is essentially, in this regard, our perfect parent.

i believe our world is full of discrepancies
& that truths concerning our existence & purpose
have been buried deep beneath theories & ideas
void of our Creator, Father God.

Regardless, it is still my purpose, my objective,
to receive love from above, & then
exert that to others in a way only i can.
a way specific to my spirit, my dna, my experiences, my imagination.
For this opportunity, i’m eternally and unconditionally grateful.

Therefore, regardless of what you identify with,
or how you identify yourself,
my love for you is eternal and unconditional.

This is not dependent on race, education, economic status,
gender, sexuality, religion or any other label
we have created to classify ourselves and others.

This is also not dependent on your actions.
You are loved by me, simply because you exist.
God thought you worth creating & existing,
& I will uphold that truth over any other,
knowing that you are a capable and valued human being
worthy of my respect and love.