a sad moment in time.

I say I don’t care

And when I say it, it feels true. 

But your absence tugs at my heart,

and I finally realized, 

I'd been lying to myself. 

Damn, so what does that mean?

Things I thought were true really aren’t?

Then what’s the real truth and how do I manage it?

It's sad that the truth behind some feelings takes some time to reveal themselves. 

And unless the conscious thought is given, they can stay hidden. 

Irrational feelings brought upon by defense mechanism can lead us, 

our thoughts, our actions, and the reactions we’re left to deal with. 

All based on an erratic unsustainable version of the truth. 

Why is that? Is it because we can’t handle the truth? 

Because I’d be lying if I said I knew what to do with it.

It doesn't seem that the world can handle truth. 

and so we’ve created mechanisms to either avoid it or twist it. 

And as a result, doing the most righteous thing seems so hard. So against our natural nature. Our pride. 

But what is pride, lol. 

According to Christ it is often misplaced, 

inflated by our ego and the cause of destruction. 

Is that what I want leading my decisions?

But it’s hard when i’m so familiar with the wrong way 

and the world, and at times our own communities, reject the right way. 

And your feelings, and your thoughts, your confidence, 

is based on some world created standard, 

so where does that leave you if you try something different?

Tbh, I am overflowing with emotion, feelings and their accompanying thoughts. 

My brain is like the ocean, tossing to and from, unsettled, chaotic, confused. 

I don’t know what I should want and even when I think I know what I do want, I don’t. 

Today, I’m crying out for help. 

a trip to hell

 a few things.

knowing that God created you on purpose is a powerful revelation.  

i’ve been a little irresponsible. i’ve encountered many beautiful and healing truths that i’ve forgotten to write down. an injustice really.

but in an effort of amends, i come here with the intent of laying my current truth out with words.

that i’ve been away to a dark place. alone slowly sinking further into an abyss. fear filled me, fogging my vision like a haze of hate. i was present in body only. my mind had been lost and my soul was burning. 

the lies felt like the only truth i could trust. 

in those moments you need someone who won’t give up on you. even though the terror has you pushing them away. but God needs to remind you, a way to get you to remember, just for a second, an undeniable truth that is written on your heart. 

for me, that was that i was created on purpose. with intention. out of love. meant for joy. no matter what is happening now. all the mistakes i’ve made, the binds i’m currently in, my creation cannot be disputed and neither can the Creator. the Creator made me, & He is righteous, perfect and loves me perfectly. 

at once i realized the lie beneath my eyes. because no way could i be abandoned, left for dead, useless and invaluable. God called me a masterpiece, created me in His holy image. lol. my being is the embodiment of love, righteousness, glory. i’m the bees knees, 1 of 1, created on purpose, with intention, ain’t nun like me. :)

and God used this imperfect being and made him perfect for me. and sometimes that bothers me. because sometimes it doesn’t look how i think it should look. and then the question becomes what is the source of my vision. is it the world or is it Christ. and then layers of false truths, misconceptions and assumptions come unraveling.

i don’t know if the public will understand this one. i may be a little too in my head, driven by my heart. but it’s honesty and it’s necessary. 

you were created in the image of God and no matter how far we go off course or distance ourselves from that truth we can always decide we want it to be true again and God will honor us, honor His truth, His original love for you when He made us, when Christ died for us. the greatest fucking sacrifice! for you. for us. 

 _________ some new affirmations in rotation____________

God is my father. 

Christ is the Son of God and my brother.

Christ saved me from destruction and from the evil of and in this world.

God has created me in His image, i am an image bearer of God my father, of Heaven, holiness, righteousness, power, peace, joy, wisdom, beauty and all good things.

i have been given power over all the powers and principalities of this world through Christ the Son, the Holy Spirit within me and God my Father. 

the Father will never forsake me, Christ is never far from me and the Holy Spirit is always in me guiding me.

i rebuke all devils, demons and any evil thing, lie & perversion from me, my family, our communities, our dwellings & possessions and anything that concerns us, & i send them to where Jesus sends them and i bind them & command them to stay there. 

in Jesus name, amen 🙏🏾