devestatingly honest

sometimes. 

i don’t know how to be happy.

i am filled with disappointment,

filled with fear.

good cannot live here. 

thoughts defeat me,

and my character is destroyed.

blinded in a darkness,

that chokes my breath. 

i am filled with distress.

and all this loss.

comes out in tears.

i get scared, 

because in these moments,

i don’t want to live.

& i hate myself,

for not being able to maneuver,

in this world,

with other people,

who are not my enemy.

i can admit that.

the problem is not them,

it is me.

i can’t hold onto the victory long enough,

and i let everything go,

my hope and my goals. 

after that, nothing is what’s left.

2018 ressurection day

happy easter y'all.
i was wondering how i would demonstrate my love for easter today.

my church and i have been going through a transition phase,
and attending just didn't spark the inspiration that it usually does on holidays.
so i decided to by pass attending and instead watch it online.

and although i'm growing,
in both knowledge and wisdom,
sometimes my growth feels like i'm leaning away from God,
and more on myself.
and for me, that's tragic.
because if that's true, it will only last for awhile,
but God's guidance and protection last forever and never fail.

but then i realized, that my steps of growth,
have been ordered by God.
i lean less on God regarding trials i'm familiar with,
and more on the larger trials that come my way.
mo money mo problems.
God wants me to grow in strength and knowledge,
because that in an of itself is a testimony to His majesty.
the trials i've been through, to get where i'm at,
i would not be here if it wasn't for the grace and mercy of God
that supplements my insufficiencies.
because in an of myself, i could not do what i've done!

even as i sit here, sitting in bed,
my life could either be categorized as shambles,
or as a testimony to the power of God's peace that He gives me,
through His son Jesus, who has given His life,
so that I may live mine with God and Him in it.

the IRS is trying to come for me.
i'm behind on assignments in school.
my employees at times are unpredictable.
my boyfriend is away in another country.
i need my brakes done, but I just bought a new purse.
mind you, my last check went nearly to all bills.

but these trials, i've seen them before.
and the wisdom God has given me,
about my priorities allows me to place the most weight,
on the fact that i'm still here, and that I still keep going.
my family and my partner are my support system,
Christ is my overseer.
i'm at peace because I believe in the power that Christ has afforded me.
i am not phased, i am motivated, i am hopeful, full of holy expectancy.
this is the greatest gift.
that even though everything does not seem ideal,
it is getting better daily.
better in ways beyond my imagination.

this is my 2018 easter and i am so grateful.

what happens when you repeat. receiving faith.

i'm finally listening to my insides, 

when it gives me a lovefaith topic, 

to share thoughts about. 

i think this will be some what of a series, between this blog & my other, averyashlay.com. 

this entry focusing on how i feel about faith confessions in general, 

& others about specific faith confessions & what they mean for your life. :)

posts full of life and love. #amen. 

confessions. 

we hear about the power of confessions constantly. 

about the affects of what you constantly confess. 

we don't really listen though. we don't apply it. consciously. 

because regardless of if you're aware of it or not, 

you're confessing things over your life & others constantly.

if you really comprehended the power of spoken words, 

would you make more of an attempt to change it?

if you realized how much you've hurt your own self by the things you've already confessed over your own life, 

would you invest the time and focus into the process of changing it?

I have this list of confessions i received from my church. 

it takes bible verses God made as promises and writes them in a form 

you can easily read over your life. 

for example. 'I am Healed by His Stripes' (1 Peter 2:24)
the truth in this verse, makes this statement real and true if you decide to take it for yourself, 

but do you understand, you're the one who has to take the promises. 
God gave them, but you have to receive them. that is your action. your belief, which activates the realness. 

God did this for you. He has givin you answers and solutions. He has givin you promises and forgiveness. take it. feel love. know it. your only reaction to receiving something so real, so pure, so undeserved, is to spread it. :)

defining times.

I want to remember these moments I am so closely acquainted to hopelessness.

These moments where the easiest & hardest thing is to give in to your fears.

Welcome to the death of your spirit.

This is what selling your soul to the devil is like. 

Turning over your thoughts, your emotions, imaginations & will
to fear and despair. 

Complete worthlessness.

These are the moments we must remember.

Because we aren't the only ones who come so close.

To death within life.

We must offer up our most vulnerable times, 

To the ones who need them.

Who need are significant moments,

To use as a foundation.

Because we were where they are once,

& we kept going.

Even though we could see no rhyme or reason

Blinded by weakness

We kept crawling.

Because God promised we always had a reason to. 

battle of thoughts: higher help.

what does it mean when you don't mind your mistake.
at times, you like it a little too much.

notorious for learning the hard way.
if you can identify it as a mistake,
but it doesn't feel quite like one yet,
keep doin it....
& it will.

my vices have strong holds.
& they don't want to let go.
so they pose as acceptable decisions,
or indifferent actions.
so i let them out to play,
& then they attempt to eat me alive.
with their condemning suggestions.

& i realize i know better,
lock them away,
& then....
they use selective memory.
you remember the good...the bad,
gets lost in the sauce.
& you try again.
only to be reminded of the inevitable outcome.

aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh! o_0
that's how i feel.
fighting a battle i don't want.

a battle of thoughts are the hardest.
convincing yourself you don't want,
what yourself is telling you you do.

to have the will,
to deny yourself,
what yourself wants.

it takes higher help.
i need higher help.
because i have too much to lose,
to have to learn the hard way.