currently giving into distraction

something is really wrong with me.
because i have reached a point of complacency.
there always exist this point,
where i have exerted all the energy,
i have left.
similar to fxxks,
as i stop giving them.

i see these beautiful things,
and these beautiful creations and collaborations 

& i feel like they must not be like me.
i bet they never get tired.
or they plan their tired, 

delegate a portion of time,
to doing nothing.
why can't i delegate my time.
why can't i be as disciplined.

on paper it seems as if i'm doing a lot,
as if i'm working towards a dream,
that i'm leveling up, 

but in reality,
it always feels as if,
i'm not doing enough.
not enough for my education,
not enough for my work,
not enough for my writing,
not enough for my blogging,
not enough for my creativity,
not enough for my advocacy, 

not enough for my God,

not enough for my church,
not enough for my man,
not enough for my friends.

some of it is drama,
plagued with exaggeration,
and some of it is natural,
worthy of respect and acknowledgement and compassion,
but i cannot tell the difference,
i cannot tell you,
how much of it is my own fault,
compared to what's expected from reality.

will i ever be better,
i cannot tell.
my faith says yes,
my fear says hell no.
but what i do know.
is fear has no place here,
so even still,
in the midst of all this confusion,
what effort i do give,
is not for nothing.
even when it makes no sense,
i will replace fear with faith.

live your belief

"evil will flourish when good men do nothing."

i saw this the other day.
of course it hit home, unfortunately.
oh how i love to be reminded to step out of my comfort zone,
trust God and walk in faith. -_____-

ssooo many times,
my strategy is to be low.
kind of maneuver around,
instead of intentionally interacting.
it shields me from the opinions of others.
but it also holds me back,
waters me down a bit.

this is also applied to my perspective too.
i become neutralized to certain things.
attitudes & indulgences. bad habits & ignorance.
from me and around me.
we get so used to how things are,
the way things have become,
that we settle in not going against the grain.
we keep a lot of ish inside, keep it personal to us.
those ideas & perspectives you keep inside of you,
the visions you've had, or messages you've gotten from what lives inside you,
things not so easily placed in society.
i mean maybe i'm alone on this. lol. & that's fine.

i haven't figured out the ideal approach.
i don't even know if you can have just one approach,
to everything that could be considered,
or if it should happen on a case by case,
where you don't compromise your attitude or your behavior
for the sake of comfort.
voice your opinion, politely.
we need different perspectives, constantly.
demonstrate your beliefs through your actions & lifestyle,
unwaveringly.

none of us are obviously perfect,
& as long as we are alive in this life,
we will never be.
but no one is expecting you to be perfect,
but to just try anyway.
& you will fall short, but believe & know,
you are covered,
& that your mistakes will never have the power to make or break you,
but the effort you put into being real, fearless, & faithful that will carry us.

because as real authentic individuals,
we have an obligation,
to be an example of that.
to illustrate that amongst all tragedy,
there is still a reason to be real,
to have a standard, to be better. :)

somewhere in the middle

anyway, i say all that, to say this.

i'm still trying.
i'm getting better.
& sometimes it still blows my mind,
that if i take a step back,
& look at my timeline,
that i ended up here.
that i could be doing the things i'm doing,
taking risk, stepping out on faith,
over and over and over and over again.
& it just keeps happening,
not much time to stop & reflect,
because something else,
that requires your faith, your boldness,
is before you.

i can't even begin to attempt
to describe to you what that means to me,
at least now.
but damn.
& sometimes you get so caught up,
focusing on mistakes,
that God makes so minute,
that we don't even realize,
how we came through.

but man,
i'm still learning,
about balance.
how to balance priorities,
how to balance relationships & my perspective in them,
how to balance dreams and faith, and love and learning.
gah damn. :)
lol. thuglife.

i find myself asking for forgiveness everyday.
from other people,
from myself,
from God.

but we can't focus on the stumble,
we acknowledge, respect it,
take responsibility, build resistance,
we grow a little stronger,
& we rest in that,
find comfort and closure in that,
& stay confident in your ability to remain a gee.
because it's not about the 'tragedy' but your response.

so i'm currently somewhere in the middle of all this,
of learning it,
& applying it for my self,
over and over,
in all the situations it could all be applied.
& sometimes i'm resistant, rebellious, foolish,
but eventually, i come out on top. always.
because God always pulls me up. always.
so sooner than later, this issue, won't be an issue.

morning babble. at work. :)

let go of the world.
let go of the co-signs.

you havent really let go of the world.
if you still acknowledge their co-signs.

subconciously what your saying,
is that, you dont give a fuck,
because even by their standards,
your killin.
acknowledgement is respect.
do not respect the world.

so how do we completely let go of a world,
that raised us.
that still surrounds us?

but even asking this,
is an insult to the Most High.
who exist that poseses a threat to your guardian?
there is none.
what situation exist that God cannot interupt?
there is none.

God made you.
he is your creator.
with maker's knowledge. he knows you,
better then you know yourself.

God wants you closer to him
then to anything else.
this is the will of God.
will he then, not make a way of escape,
from the world that corrupted you from birth.

the answers are there.
your victory is only waiting,
do not fight battles you have already won,
re-affirm their defeat.

lost at where the journey begins?
unsure of your position?

ask God,
ask him whatever
& believe he will answer you,
because he said he will.
God is not a liar.
He wants you to hold him to his word
the original idea of integrity.

and then wait,
for God loves time.
Invest in yourself through
indulgement in the divine. :)