death of self confidence

i always surprise myself.
is this good?
always being surprised that you're actually more sufficient,
than you thought you were?
why you always thinking you insufficient?

confidence in Christ,
is so much better than confidence in self.
i believe i am always in this battle,
because this world pushes so much need for self-confidence on you.
but this is not me.

if i attempt to act like this, from the self,
it is inconsistent,
it is not sustainable,
it is fake, most times,
and keeps you from acting in honesty with others.

but when i am confident in Christ,
for the sake of my relationship with my God
for the sake of my own well-being,
for the sake of my intimate relationship,
for the sake of my family,
for the sake of my efforts,
for the sake of my friends,
for the sake of my career,
it is not in vain.

only i can be inconsistent,
the Lord cannot.
He will always come through,
He will always love,
and grant peace,
and defeat that which acts against you.

it is when i forget this,
and judge my circumstances based off my own capacity,
and judge my future based off my own capacity,
that i am destined to fail,
that i am destined to break.
alone i am weak,
in Christ i am everything good.

imagine that.

state of the union

I'm really beginning to understand the value of community.
Because it is something to be a black minority out
and about, as millions of people around the world,
& ones right next to you, just shared a video of another black
male or black female getting killed by the police, publicly, legally, celebrated even.

How do i carry myself as a black woman,
someone who loves herself,
and her culture,
someone who recognizes the inhumane injustice,
this country and its citizens plagued black life with?
How do i carry myself around everyone else?
Should i act like it's all good...it's not.
Should i act of anger, or fear?

There is a war on the black community.
We are really seeing who believes what,
and how that may be detrimental for me as a black american.
How can i be okay when white women and men are constantly inspired by black life,
and profit off it commercially,
when black kids aren't realistically allowed to dream of creating their own business,
or to be a leader in their industry,
to write for the latest sitcom,
or be on zara's design team,
or direct fashion runway shows.
I’m totes not okay with that.
Also, while not being celebrated and motivated,
black kids are also denied sufficient health care,
and healthy resources. Who is caring about their
education and mental health?

This has been happening for decades,
so when you retort with their 'insufficient parents'
they were those same kids once,
who grew into 'adults' and had kids.
Nothing insufficient about black people,
except the lack of representation and value we receive from our country.

America and the rest of the world needs to open their eyes,
Black people aren’t going anywhere,
and we're all stronger together, so don't be mad about it.
Stop strategically and purposefully trying to put us down,
Just let us fxxking live. Properly.
With a reasonable and decent chance of success.

I live in a world,
where everybody knows how everybody really feels
about black people.

even when it's dark.

i wrote the post that is to follow, in september,

but things can move so fast in life, 

& although one day you're feeling the victory, 

other days, not so much.

mad shxt got in the way between me writing this, 

& eventually posting it. 

even now, I'm not so sure. 

I mean, what it says is true, 

but am i currently feeling ideal about life...

lol, no. 

but that strengthens my desire to post this, even now.

because it be when I'm in the trenches, 

that I'm feeling the boldest. 

______________________________________

It's amazing what God can do. 

my last post, 

was a piece of transparency.

I chose to lay out the insides of me, 

in an effort to understand my own frustration, 

as well as be a resource for anyone,

who could remotely relate. 

I don't usually share my pain, 

as it happens in the now. 

too many distractions, 

too much opportunity being given, 

for something to be used against me.

usually, I'm too vulnerable in the midst of darkness. 

too close to fear to let anyone in. 

but i think I had just had enough. 

& I refused to be scared after all that I had accomplished.

even if the world was so set on breaking me, 

I could no longer be timid. 

I realized my value, my worth, my ability...

nobody could take that away from me. 

but the place I'm in now, 

compared to where I was, 

just a few months ago...

only God could do. 

I knew that God turned my losses into wins, 

I knew that everything that was taken from me, 

had to be returned. in excess. 

I knew that I was Gods, through Christ, 

and that His purpose is to raise me, 

take me high, 

bless me and use me. 

just a quick short list, 

to add physical details, 

to the manifestation of Gods glory in my life. 

I was promoted way up at work, 

along with a hefty raise, :)

steadily becoming an expert in my field. 

I'm in law school now, part time,

& I love it. 

my new apartment, is flourishing. 

& so are a lot of people around me. 

&&& that's just the short list. 

I'm constantly being challenged,

but when you know you can't lose, 

because the creator of the universe has already set you up to win, 

you embrace the opportunity to become better,

to grow, evolve, to give and to share. 

I am a product of Christ. 

my life is solely dedicated to Him,

& in Him, is everything good! 

still standing in darkness

i wrote this on paper first.
when i am fueled from the inside out,
but unsure of the purpose i'm looking to fulfill,
sometimes it is easier that way. (disclaimer)
______________________________________________

going to start writing this here (on paper),
rather than on the computer,
because my mind is entertaining
so many thoughts,
& i am unaware of how i truly feel.
a little shitty probably.

not because God has forsaken me,
but because this world, this society,
works so hard to diminish my value,
& that is shitty.

i've invested so much into a purpose,
& while it was not purpose-less,
as God uses all things for the good of me,
& His purpose for me,
the world will take you, eat you,
& produce nothing for you.
this world will steal your harvest.
the devil has stolen my harvest.

but,
with faith, through faith, in faith,
in the truth that Father God has established for me,
through Christ, my brother, my savior, my king,
the devil has set me up real good.
obligated to pay me,
all that he's stolen from me,
a gagillion times over.
abundantly.
overflowing.
more than enough.

this is the truth that i know.
this goes beyond my feelings,
this is my spirit.
my mind & body...will follow.

so in the time being,
how shall i proceed?

because my mind constantly requires that i check it,
to dismiss thoughts fueled by
fear, anger, bitterness & destruction.

my body has to be forced
out of complacency,
to continue to toil,
although no win, can be physically seen.

people still talk to me,
as if i want to talk.
they still desire my gracefulness,
a smile and respect.
they still desire to take from me.

how shall i proceed?

i'm no longer battling fear,
as to what will happen to me.
my battle is with patience,
to keep peace in a place fueled to keep burning me.

surroundings that will continue to see me,
as less than human,
less than the queen God has made me,
has declared me as.
i'm still expendable,
a punching bag,
a free resource unworthy of,
decency & respect.

how shall i proceed?

this is the true fight,
to keep my peace,
that Christ offers me.
no wonder it must be beyond my understanding.
because peace here,
in this space,
is worldly unfathomable.
worldly peace could not live here.

my joy has to come from the inside out,
produced by heaven,
& it will be the true fight,
to exert it to all.
even those who trespass against me.
because this is what Christ did for me,
although my trespasses against God were many.

there is power in this.
i am powerful.

this calmness Christ has blanketed me with,
is unbreakable.

I am unbreakable
even in the darkness,
all this darkness,
i am unbreakable!

Letting God Lead : In-Relationships

being okay with it not going your way.

first and foremost, i’m blessed. 

my life is blessed. 

& sometimes i get selfish & high-strung, 

as if i, solely, am responsible for how blessed my life is. 

& sometimes i begin to think, 

whole-heartedly, 

regarding all things, 

that i know what’s best for me & my life. 

aaahhahhahahaha. 

that’s a joke if i ever heard one.

now look, 

Jesus has turned me into an optimist. 

even when i come across challenges & tragedies, 

i know that God has & will turn it into something amazing. 

my character after experience in living this life, 

is testimony to that fact. 

…this is the basis of why i refer to my life as blessed.

back to me thinking i know how my life should be….

scenario. 

let’s say God gave me a good thing, 

& with God, through God, I cultivate that good thing, 

as God intended, 

into a great thing. great for the thing, great for me, & great for God. 

but then. 

i start feeling’ myself. like aww, shxt, i’m the shxt. 

& while that is true, 

it wasn’t on my terms. 

it wasn’t something i thought, planned, & brought to my doorstep. 

I let God lead me there, 

I prayed to God for the strength, for the creativity, the patience. 

so when exactly, did this become my plan, extracting God?

sike.

i say that to say, 

that even in relationships, 

relationships especially, 

as a girl, i can get carried away. 

start creating this perfect plan in my head, 

about how me and my partner will cultivate this amazing relationship. 

& then comes all these expectations, 

false ones, not based in real truth but fantasy, 

that i place on not only myself, but my partner. 

then it’s all downhill from there. 

i didn’t even create my own life, i let God do that, 

so what makes me think i can create a perfect one that includes another imperfect human being? 

that’s unrealistic.

so i’ve cancelled my expectations, 

not my standards. God gave us those to protect us. 

but expectations for a perfect relationship & those involved, yes. 

i’ve never even been in a perfect relationship, 

how would i even know what that looks like?

but i do trust God. 

so much so, 

that i know He will cultivate a relationship, 

that is perfect for me. 

& only He knows the inside of another’s heart, 

their motivations, their secret desires, 

He knows info, i could never. 

so He will be my filter.

because look, these nxgguhs, …and me, is crazy.

love like God

i felt compelled to write this,
because so many things are happening,
& constantly shifting,
but my core perspective and belief does not.
i'm rooted in this because it is always right.
& is not affected by the ever-changing society & world,
we are all apart of.
_______________________________________________________

My objective as a person is to be fruitful.
It is to receive God’s love and be so grateful that it pours from me onto and in someone else.
i believe all people were created by God, who is essentially, in this regard, our perfect parent.

i believe our world is full of discrepancies
& that truths concerning our existence & purpose
have been buried deep beneath theories & ideas
void of our Creator, Father God.

Regardless, it is still my purpose, my objective,
to receive love from above, & then
exert that to others in a way only i can.
a way specific to my spirit, my dna, my experiences, my imagination.
For this opportunity, i’m eternally and unconditionally grateful.

Therefore, regardless of what you identify with,
or how you identify yourself,
my love for you is eternal and unconditional.

This is not dependent on race, education, economic status,
gender, sexuality, religion or any other label
we have created to classify ourselves and others.

This is also not dependent on your actions.
You are loved by me, simply because you exist.
God thought you worth creating & existing,
& I will uphold that truth over any other,
knowing that you are a capable and valued human being
worthy of my respect and love.

checking in with myself ...

so i had written this post previously,
to describe this cycle feeling i keep experiencing.
not being efficient, because i'm not feeling it ...
but feeling it even less due to the lack of efficiency taken place.
do you see how i could be the cause of my own problem,
& at some point, I have to take this initiative,
to go against the feeling of complacency,
and fear of failure, & realize there is immeasurable value in my efforts,
even if they only produce lessons and experience.

the post was to work through thoughts,
& feelings,
& meet some concrete answers & direction,
in terms of what i want,
what i can do,
& what is keeping me from it.

more than anything ...
i get a comforting feeling of appreciation & gratitude.
i realized a lot of my guilt was produced by false standards.
we get so caught up in what we haven't done,
& all the 'damage' that has been done because of it.
& the world telling us,
that really by 30,
you should be very close to some groundbreaking piece of work or invention...

the world gives me this sense of urgency,
that i should be doing all i can,
at this very moment. & if i don't,
i am deserving of nothing.
it produces unsatisfaction & selfishness.

but i love where i'm at.
the opportunity & spaces God has created for me.
these environments that open my eyes,
test my creativity & efficiency,
test my resilience & confidence,
i am so overwhelmingly grateful...
& i don't want to rush that.

by no means do I feel i've mastered all my current roles,
so why do I hate myself for not being in a place,
i'm still getting ready for?

i'm learning to treasure the process,
even more than I had before.
...because i've been in this place before,
& no doubt, i will meet it again later in life,
in the midst of some next transition.

i'm seeing more the value of small goals,
little commitments that turn into good habits.
& there are things I want to obtain,
achievements i want to accomplish,
that sometimes seem too big and farfetched,
but i am trusting in my journey,
the things that have already happened,
& all of the dreams i'm believing for. :)