my mind has a tendency to take things too far.
i make a mistake,
…because people make mistakes,
and suddenly,
i’m not deserving of life.
suddenly all of my short comings
come racing to the front of my mind,
trying to ‘remind’ me
that i’m a disappointment,
a waste of talent,
disillusioned by my own conceit.
but wait,
there’s a kicker,
because while i’m falling further and further
into despair by deceit,
the power of God has to be tucked somewhere,
somewhere away and deep,
so that it doesn’t save me
from this fake misery,
slowly turning real.
because in order for my mind to be completely taken,
and in order to make myself into my own worse enemy,
you have to attack the faith
i’ve so diligently built up until now.
so what happens to it?
how does it become null and void?
well, in the process of blaming myself,
for everything bad in life,
i begin to feel undeserving.
(as if, all that Grace and Mercy and Love God gives me,
He some how does because I deserve it. LOL….)
& even though i’ve never deserved it,
this hollow space i’m currently in,
full of blame and bitchassness,
has me feeling that God has abandoned me,
due to my lack of efficiency and wasted value.
what. a. place. to. be. in….
and then it only gets worse,
and continues on and on,
making everything miserable,
isolating me from my community,
because my affection has turned into annoyance
and I am slowly projecting the things that i feel,
negativity, cynicism and selfishness.
but today, something different happened.
today i decided to talk about my mistake
as soon as i made it,
i begin to talk out how it made me feel,
and the repercussions i knew to expect,
from feeling so insufficient,
and i kept talking,
and literally,
talked myself out of it.
it’s as if all the bullshxt could not happen,
because i had already deemed it,
null and void.
i’ve had experiences with this before,
but at this time and this moment,
it was a sign of something,
God consistently reminds me of,
that community. is. everything!
this is big for me because at times,
i resent community.
i resent not all being on the same page,
i resent natural human interactions;
insecurity, jealousy, pettiness, inauthenticity
i can love you from a distance,
but having to work closely,
where your feelings affect progress,
or my feelings affect my politeness,
it’s. a. big. no. for. me. dog.
but this is my challenge.
this is my area of uncomfortable
that i must step up too and face head on.
because community is everything.
and for every compromised moment,
a member of your community ushers in,
they usually have many that illustrate
joy, selflessness, empathy, support, etc.
you have to take the good with the bad,
because the bad helps cultivate the good.
we can use our reaction to negativity
to fertilize the good we’re trying to grow.
but we are the activators that must turn
bad to good.
& if we think,
or i think,
that i am above
having to communicate with and support
unperfect people,
i will never come into the fullness of my potential,
i will never see the most magical parts of me,
that God intended to grow in me.
I would stay stuck full of resentment,
fighting against the one thing
that I need to grow,
grow wisdom, patience and effectiveness.
having that small chit chat helped give me
hours and days of my life back.
that conversation with a member of my community,
who also from time to time,
severely gets on my nerves,
saved me from wasted moments of depression.
i could never deny that power of solidarity, friendship and community.
i’m praying that i never try to again.
