2018 ressurection day

happy easter y'all.
i was wondering how i would demonstrate my love for easter today.

my church and i have been going through a transition phase,
and attending just didn't spark the inspiration that it usually does on holidays.
so i decided to by pass attending and instead watch it online.

and although i'm growing,
in both knowledge and wisdom,
sometimes my growth feels like i'm leaning away from God,
and more on myself.
and for me, that's tragic.
because if that's true, it will only last for awhile,
but God's guidance and protection last forever and never fail.

but then i realized, that my steps of growth,
have been ordered by God.
i lean less on God regarding trials i'm familiar with,
and more on the larger trials that come my way.
mo money mo problems.
God wants me to grow in strength and knowledge,
because that in an of itself is a testimony to His majesty.
the trials i've been through, to get where i'm at,
i would not be here if it wasn't for the grace and mercy of God
that supplements my insufficiencies.
because in an of myself, i could not do what i've done!

even as i sit here, sitting in bed,
my life could either be categorized as shambles,
or as a testimony to the power of God's peace that He gives me,
through His son Jesus, who has given His life,
so that I may live mine with God and Him in it.

the IRS is trying to come for me.
i'm behind on assignments in school.
my employees at times are unpredictable.
my boyfriend is away in another country.
i need my brakes done, but I just bought a new purse.
mind you, my last check went nearly to all bills.

but these trials, i've seen them before.
and the wisdom God has given me,
about my priorities allows me to place the most weight,
on the fact that i'm still here, and that I still keep going.
my family and my partner are my support system,
Christ is my overseer.
i'm at peace because I believe in the power that Christ has afforded me.
i am not phased, i am motivated, i am hopeful, full of holy expectancy.
this is the greatest gift.
that even though everything does not seem ideal,
it is getting better daily.
better in ways beyond my imagination.

this is my 2018 easter and i am so grateful.

death of self confidence

i always surprise myself.
is this good?
always being surprised that you're actually more sufficient,
than you thought you were?
why you always thinking you insufficient?

confidence in Christ,
is so much better than confidence in self.
i believe i am always in this battle,
because this world pushes so much need for self-confidence on you.
but this is not me.

if i attempt to act like this, from the self,
it is inconsistent,
it is not sustainable,
it is fake, most times,
and keeps you from acting in honesty with others.

but when i am confident in Christ,
for the sake of my relationship with my God
for the sake of my own well-being,
for the sake of my intimate relationship,
for the sake of my family,
for the sake of my efforts,
for the sake of my friends,
for the sake of my career,
it is not in vain.

only i can be inconsistent,
the Lord cannot.
He will always come through,
He will always love,
and grant peace,
and defeat that which acts against you.

it is when i forget this,
and judge my circumstances based off my own capacity,
and judge my future based off my own capacity,
that i am destined to fail,
that i am destined to break.
alone i am weak,
in Christ i am everything good.

imagine that.

clarity in love

hheeeyyyyy,

its been awhile and i've missed you.
i'm learning discipline currently,
and learning to organize my life based on my priorities.
of course in order to do that,
I have to figure out what my priorities should be.
it's a process and I got some ways to go.

now though i'm currently afflicted by my period,
and the hormonal abuse attacking my brain. lol.
in other words, i. am. emo!
some of it justified,
most of it an extra petty attack on my emotions.

but this motivated me to attempt to outline
my perspective and expectations with my relationship partner.

because here you have
two whole individual people
who want to come together (for whatever reason)
and bring their whole selves and their whole lives with them.
i don't know about most people but for me,
that idea is a bit overwhelming.

each person has their own history,
and they also have a present,
and then they have all this stuff in between
which is a record and illustration of their
character, perspective and the cards life deals.
we're just all trying to figure out the best way to live.

so when one person with all their baggage life deals,
wants to mutually share life with another who has their own baggage that life deals,
it. can. get. crazy.

you guys, i'm already crazy.
trying to navigate through my mind in the presence of
my life baggage,
his life baggage,
and the baggage that we've accumulated together,
sometimes makes me really crazy.

i lose sight of my original motivations,
my original relationship goals,
the perspective i've established as someone's girlfriend.
i'm not able to discern what i want from what i don't want and why.
i begin to act from feeling rather than emotion.
& then i begin to abuse myself because i'm disappointed at my inability to keep it together.

but if i realistically outline,
my purpose for being in a relationship,
and what i realistically need from my partner (while considering that he is also just human),
in order to give him what he needs,
then i can reference this,
and regather my perspective and approach.

so for me, what is the value of being in a relationship; 
the consideration the person you prefer gives you.
the powerful love someone has for you, and the affection they show you.
the reliability and consistency that comes from making a commitment to your person.
the first place spot.

& many other elements go into making the above initiatives happen.
but let's say that all of our actions, should support one of the above initiatives.

i'm going to start here,
in examining the expectations i have for myself towards my partner,
and the expectations i have for my partner towards me. 

state of the union

I'm really beginning to understand the value of community.
Because it is something to be a black minority out
and about, as millions of people around the world,
& ones right next to you, just shared a video of another black
male or black female getting killed by the police, publicly, legally, celebrated even.

How do i carry myself as a black woman,
someone who loves herself,
and her culture,
someone who recognizes the inhumane injustice,
this country and its citizens plagued black life with?
How do i carry myself around everyone else?
Should i act like it's all good...it's not.
Should i act of anger, or fear?

There is a war on the black community.
We are really seeing who believes what,
and how that may be detrimental for me as a black american.
How can i be okay when white women and men are constantly inspired by black life,
and profit off it commercially,
when black kids aren't realistically allowed to dream of creating their own business,
or to be a leader in their industry,
to write for the latest sitcom,
or be on zara's design team,
or direct fashion runway shows.
I’m totes not okay with that.
Also, while not being celebrated and motivated,
black kids are also denied sufficient health care,
and healthy resources. Who is caring about their
education and mental health?

This has been happening for decades,
so when you retort with their 'insufficient parents'
they were those same kids once,
who grew into 'adults' and had kids.
Nothing insufficient about black people,
except the lack of representation and value we receive from our country.

America and the rest of the world needs to open their eyes,
Black people aren’t going anywhere,
and we're all stronger together, so don't be mad about it.
Stop strategically and purposefully trying to put us down,
Just let us fxxking live. Properly.
With a reasonable and decent chance of success.

I live in a world,
where everybody knows how everybody really feels
about black people.

clueless

whoa nellie, that's how i'm feeling right now.
this post is going to be topical. meaning focused on a specific topic. lol.

there are some things i have to experience,
before i truly understand them,
or understand an age-old concept about them.

it's bazaar that some truths remain truths forever.
characteristics of people, or certain traits attributed to men or women.
old history and old text constantly confirm,
people were bazaar and self-harm inflicting then, & they are now as well.
this can be taken in a serious perspective,
but it can also be taken in a humorous one.

i never actually thought i would be the dumb girl,
in the old rom-com movies i watched as a child, and a teen.
all the game i had spotted growing up,
was sure to keep me from getting played.
but it's nothing like actually being there.
experiencing the feelings and thoughts that drive undesirable situations into existence.
women and men have been feeling and thinking those things for centuries.

some things have become cliches,
because they are nearly inevitably true.
not everyone is the same, there are exceptions, always, that's a gift,
but, it can be said, that a lot of women have relatable experiences with one another,
because the problematic man/woman scenario has existed also, for centuries.
& the women's submissive status has been perverted by men in every part of the world.

i say that to say, i thought it was kind of funny,
that at the current moment, i can look at my 'romantic' life,
and spot so many fxxking cliches. lol.
'rebounds' especially sorely stick out,
and how dumb you can be when experiencing them.
not realizing that you have all of these open and active emotions,
from your past relationship, that are pouring into and clouding your
judgement with this new dude.
& you're just sitting there wondering,
'why do i have all the feels for this guy,
is this God', no bxtch, it's you, being reckless.
impatient and ignorant.
but look,
i wouldn't know if i didn't do it. lol.
sometimes i have to be stupid that way.
not condoning this,
just being transparent.

i felt all those 90 and early 2000 movies flooding into my memory,
about how guys are deuschbags, and girls are too feel-y, too fast.
& then even some of the super ratchet ones, where i could make a decision,
'was i going to be about that life, or not' (crying face emoji here)
nah, not over here. at least not right now, & hopefully not ever.
i had a taste & i'm not with the shxts.
& guys, will take you out of your character,
dangling fake love in front of your face,
as if that's not corny.
special place in hell for you bro,
you better repent.
open your fxxkin eyes.

anyway, the world keeps turning.
i'm just going to get a better handle on that shxt.

so, this happened.

things happen that question, 

how we truly feel about a person.

someone who receives our devotion

& adoration, suddenly makes,

a truly human mistake, to you.

what do you do?!

if it were a stranger, it'd be easy. 

'hater. idgaf'

but this is your kin,

someone you've built your soul

up with, connected to your

eternal spirit. this is the 

farthest thing from a stranger,

this is a known, acknowledged,

piece of you. lol. what do you do.

WWJD.

forgiveness can be the most

bizarre thing. 

but I've known God in me,

for a long time now. 

& with my fragility, 

have solely depended on Him,

for my entire survival.

so when confronted with,

judgement & disregard,

partly out of ignorance,

partly out of arrogance,

my initial reaction was

shock, disappointment,

a little lostness, a bit broken.

out of all the things to expect,

a lack of doubt in my ability,

to live & navigate through my life,

from you?!

all those moments of 

transparency,

so that you can attempt 

to use them against me?!

talk about hating vulnerability.

but then Jesus reminds me,

how much we all are,

subject to human error.

stuck in our own thoughts,

thinking we're reading in between 

lines, but we're really just filling

in gaps, because we want to

think, we know it all.

when really,

you don't know shxt.

your own life could attest 

to that. no shade. 

& Jesus showed me, why

this may have been 

necessary. not only to show me

pieces of myself, where I've violated, 

as you have.

but for me to practice the 

beauty of forgiveness,

on an entirely new level.

therefor, i thank you for

these words, that you've

given me the opportunity 

to write. i actually thank you

for a lot more than that. you 

know. this only strengthens.

me, you, 🙈🙊🙉, us. 

even when it's dark.

i wrote the post that is to follow, in september,

but things can move so fast in life, 

& although one day you're feeling the victory, 

other days, not so much.

mad shxt got in the way between me writing this, 

& eventually posting it. 

even now, I'm not so sure. 

I mean, what it says is true, 

but am i currently feeling ideal about life...

lol, no. 

but that strengthens my desire to post this, even now.

because it be when I'm in the trenches, 

that I'm feeling the boldest. 

______________________________________

It's amazing what God can do. 

my last post, 

was a piece of transparency.

I chose to lay out the insides of me, 

in an effort to understand my own frustration, 

as well as be a resource for anyone,

who could remotely relate. 

I don't usually share my pain, 

as it happens in the now. 

too many distractions, 

too much opportunity being given, 

for something to be used against me.

usually, I'm too vulnerable in the midst of darkness. 

too close to fear to let anyone in. 

but i think I had just had enough. 

& I refused to be scared after all that I had accomplished.

even if the world was so set on breaking me, 

I could no longer be timid. 

I realized my value, my worth, my ability...

nobody could take that away from me. 

but the place I'm in now, 

compared to where I was, 

just a few months ago...

only God could do. 

I knew that God turned my losses into wins, 

I knew that everything that was taken from me, 

had to be returned. in excess. 

I knew that I was Gods, through Christ, 

and that His purpose is to raise me, 

take me high, 

bless me and use me. 

just a quick short list, 

to add physical details, 

to the manifestation of Gods glory in my life. 

I was promoted way up at work, 

along with a hefty raise, :)

steadily becoming an expert in my field. 

I'm in law school now, part time,

& I love it. 

my new apartment, is flourishing. 

& so are a lot of people around me. 

&&& that's just the short list. 

I'm constantly being challenged,

but when you know you can't lose, 

because the creator of the universe has already set you up to win, 

you embrace the opportunity to become better,

to grow, evolve, to give and to share. 

I am a product of Christ. 

my life is solely dedicated to Him,

& in Him, is everything good! 

still standing in darkness

i wrote this on paper first.
when i am fueled from the inside out,
but unsure of the purpose i'm looking to fulfill,
sometimes it is easier that way. (disclaimer)
______________________________________________

going to start writing this here (on paper),
rather than on the computer,
because my mind is entertaining
so many thoughts,
& i am unaware of how i truly feel.
a little shitty probably.

not because God has forsaken me,
but because this world, this society,
works so hard to diminish my value,
& that is shitty.

i've invested so much into a purpose,
& while it was not purpose-less,
as God uses all things for the good of me,
& His purpose for me,
the world will take you, eat you,
& produce nothing for you.
this world will steal your harvest.
the devil has stolen my harvest.

but,
with faith, through faith, in faith,
in the truth that Father God has established for me,
through Christ, my brother, my savior, my king,
the devil has set me up real good.
obligated to pay me,
all that he's stolen from me,
a gagillion times over.
abundantly.
overflowing.
more than enough.

this is the truth that i know.
this goes beyond my feelings,
this is my spirit.
my mind & body...will follow.

so in the time being,
how shall i proceed?

because my mind constantly requires that i check it,
to dismiss thoughts fueled by
fear, anger, bitterness & destruction.

my body has to be forced
out of complacency,
to continue to toil,
although no win, can be physically seen.

people still talk to me,
as if i want to talk.
they still desire my gracefulness,
a smile and respect.
they still desire to take from me.

how shall i proceed?

i'm no longer battling fear,
as to what will happen to me.
my battle is with patience,
to keep peace in a place fueled to keep burning me.

surroundings that will continue to see me,
as less than human,
less than the queen God has made me,
has declared me as.
i'm still expendable,
a punching bag,
a free resource unworthy of,
decency & respect.

how shall i proceed?

this is the true fight,
to keep my peace,
that Christ offers me.
no wonder it must be beyond my understanding.
because peace here,
in this space,
is worldly unfathomable.
worldly peace could not live here.

my joy has to come from the inside out,
produced by heaven,
& it will be the true fight,
to exert it to all.
even those who trespass against me.
because this is what Christ did for me,
although my trespasses against God were many.

there is power in this.
i am powerful.

this calmness Christ has blanketed me with,
is unbreakable.

I am unbreakable
even in the darkness,
all this darkness,
i am unbreakable!

Letting God Lead : In-Relationships

being okay with it not going your way.

first and foremost, i’m blessed. 

my life is blessed. 

& sometimes i get selfish & high-strung, 

as if i, solely, am responsible for how blessed my life is. 

& sometimes i begin to think, 

whole-heartedly, 

regarding all things, 

that i know what’s best for me & my life. 

aaahhahhahahaha. 

that’s a joke if i ever heard one.

now look, 

Jesus has turned me into an optimist. 

even when i come across challenges & tragedies, 

i know that God has & will turn it into something amazing. 

my character after experience in living this life, 

is testimony to that fact. 

…this is the basis of why i refer to my life as blessed.

back to me thinking i know how my life should be….

scenario. 

let’s say God gave me a good thing, 

& with God, through God, I cultivate that good thing, 

as God intended, 

into a great thing. great for the thing, great for me, & great for God. 

but then. 

i start feeling’ myself. like aww, shxt, i’m the shxt. 

& while that is true, 

it wasn’t on my terms. 

it wasn’t something i thought, planned, & brought to my doorstep. 

I let God lead me there, 

I prayed to God for the strength, for the creativity, the patience. 

so when exactly, did this become my plan, extracting God?

sike.

i say that to say, 

that even in relationships, 

relationships especially, 

as a girl, i can get carried away. 

start creating this perfect plan in my head, 

about how me and my partner will cultivate this amazing relationship. 

& then comes all these expectations, 

false ones, not based in real truth but fantasy, 

that i place on not only myself, but my partner. 

then it’s all downhill from there. 

i didn’t even create my own life, i let God do that, 

so what makes me think i can create a perfect one that includes another imperfect human being? 

that’s unrealistic.

so i’ve cancelled my expectations, 

not my standards. God gave us those to protect us. 

but expectations for a perfect relationship & those involved, yes. 

i’ve never even been in a perfect relationship, 

how would i even know what that looks like?

but i do trust God. 

so much so, 

that i know He will cultivate a relationship, 

that is perfect for me. 

& only He knows the inside of another’s heart, 

their motivations, their secret desires, 

He knows info, i could never. 

so He will be my filter.

because look, these nxgguhs, …and me, is crazy.

intense transitions

i wrote this last week, 
but waited until now to post it. 
i've moved in now. God did it. :) 
#amen

____________________________________

i’m moving.

uprooting myself in an attempt to root myself somewhere else.
being uprooted is not my preferred state.
i prefer stability and preparedness.
i was neither prepared mentally or emotionally for this.
let alone, had no idea as to where my new home would be.
can. you. say. anxiety. 

luckily my faith is so deep-rooted,
that fear has a hard time latching on to me.
so although i was uncomfortable,
still somewhat uncomfortable,
i am able to dismiss feelings of hopelessness and despair. 

really, we live in a society that is unstable.
at any moment a natural disaster can happen,
the economy can fail,
a discouraging doctor’s visit can bring unexpected information,
your relationships can fall through…
really, we have no control.
the only control we have is our response.
will you respond in strength and hope,
or in fear?

moving is only one of the few battles i’m currently facing.
because i can only control myself,
tribulations consistently meet me,
but with every win you acquire,
with steadfastness in love & faith,
the bigger your mind grows,
the stronger your heart becomes,
and you find yourself surprised and uber grateful,
at the person you’re becoming. 

so i accepted this battle,
because really, i had no choice.
i wasn’t going to end my life,
due to the worlds cruelty.
in my best language, fxxk that.
love is always bigger and brighter than hate,
even if it isn’t always so clear.
& i prayed, and prayed, & cried, & prayed.
i went through so many intense emotions,
it was sometimes nauseating.
but i put myself out there,
expecting deep down, to win. 

my credit score was eehhh,
there was even some stuff on my credit report,
that i hadn’t done myself,
that i had no idea about,
until i was so close to closing a deal.
it can also be argued,
that i don’t make enough,
to technically ‘win’ in this society.
or at least live in an a-1 desirable neighborhood. 

but luckily for me,
even though it’s more about grace than luck,
a desirable neighborhood to me, isn’t everyones desire.
and the people making the decisions in deciding
if i was the right tenant,
for some reason, they liked me,
and they trusted me. me. a complete stranger. 

i haven’t moved in yet,
but i do have a move-in date for the 30th.
until i’m in,
i don’t think i’ll be completely at ease,
or ideally comfortable,
but what I’ve gotten to take away from this already,
all this grace being displayed in my life,
it’s incredible.
i chose to show up,
and God showed out. :)