2018 ressurection day

happy easter y'all.
i was wondering how i would demonstrate my love for easter today.

my church and i have been going through a transition phase,
and attending just didn't spark the inspiration that it usually does on holidays.
so i decided to by pass attending and instead watch it online.

and although i'm growing,
in both knowledge and wisdom,
sometimes my growth feels like i'm leaning away from God,
and more on myself.
and for me, that's tragic.
because if that's true, it will only last for awhile,
but God's guidance and protection last forever and never fail.

but then i realized, that my steps of growth,
have been ordered by God.
i lean less on God regarding trials i'm familiar with,
and more on the larger trials that come my way.
mo money mo problems.
God wants me to grow in strength and knowledge,
because that in an of itself is a testimony to His majesty.
the trials i've been through, to get where i'm at,
i would not be here if it wasn't for the grace and mercy of God
that supplements my insufficiencies.
because in an of myself, i could not do what i've done!

even as i sit here, sitting in bed,
my life could either be categorized as shambles,
or as a testimony to the power of God's peace that He gives me,
through His son Jesus, who has given His life,
so that I may live mine with God and Him in it.

the IRS is trying to come for me.
i'm behind on assignments in school.
my employees at times are unpredictable.
my boyfriend is away in another country.
i need my brakes done, but I just bought a new purse.
mind you, my last check went nearly to all bills.

but these trials, i've seen them before.
and the wisdom God has given me,
about my priorities allows me to place the most weight,
on the fact that i'm still here, and that I still keep going.
my family and my partner are my support system,
Christ is my overseer.
i'm at peace because I believe in the power that Christ has afforded me.
i am not phased, i am motivated, i am hopeful, full of holy expectancy.
this is the greatest gift.
that even though everything does not seem ideal,
it is getting better daily.
better in ways beyond my imagination.

this is my 2018 easter and i am so grateful.

death of self confidence

i always surprise myself.
is this good?
always being surprised that you're actually more sufficient,
than you thought you were?
why you always thinking you insufficient?

confidence in Christ,
is so much better than confidence in self.
i believe i am always in this battle,
because this world pushes so much need for self-confidence on you.
but this is not me.

if i attempt to act like this, from the self,
it is inconsistent,
it is not sustainable,
it is fake, most times,
and keeps you from acting in honesty with others.

but when i am confident in Christ,
for the sake of my relationship with my God
for the sake of my own well-being,
for the sake of my intimate relationship,
for the sake of my family,
for the sake of my efforts,
for the sake of my friends,
for the sake of my career,
it is not in vain.

only i can be inconsistent,
the Lord cannot.
He will always come through,
He will always love,
and grant peace,
and defeat that which acts against you.

it is when i forget this,
and judge my circumstances based off my own capacity,
and judge my future based off my own capacity,
that i am destined to fail,
that i am destined to break.
alone i am weak,
in Christ i am everything good.

imagine that.

clarity in love

hheeeyyyyy,

its been awhile and i've missed you.
i'm learning discipline currently,
and learning to organize my life based on my priorities.
of course in order to do that,
I have to figure out what my priorities should be.
it's a process and I got some ways to go.

now though i'm currently afflicted by my period,
and the hormonal abuse attacking my brain. lol.
in other words, i. am. emo!
some of it justified,
most of it an extra petty attack on my emotions.

but this motivated me to attempt to outline
my perspective and expectations with my relationship partner.

because here you have
two whole individual people
who want to come together (for whatever reason)
and bring their whole selves and their whole lives with them.
i don't know about most people but for me,
that idea is a bit overwhelming.

each person has their own history,
and they also have a present,
and then they have all this stuff in between
which is a record and illustration of their
character, perspective and the cards life deals.
we're just all trying to figure out the best way to live.

so when one person with all their baggage life deals,
wants to mutually share life with another who has their own baggage that life deals,
it. can. get. crazy.

you guys, i'm already crazy.
trying to navigate through my mind in the presence of
my life baggage,
his life baggage,
and the baggage that we've accumulated together,
sometimes makes me really crazy.

i lose sight of my original motivations,
my original relationship goals,
the perspective i've established as someone's girlfriend.
i'm not able to discern what i want from what i don't want and why.
i begin to act from feeling rather than emotion.
& then i begin to abuse myself because i'm disappointed at my inability to keep it together.

but if i realistically outline,
my purpose for being in a relationship,
and what i realistically need from my partner (while considering that he is also just human),
in order to give him what he needs,
then i can reference this,
and regather my perspective and approach.

so for me, what is the value of being in a relationship; 
the consideration the person you prefer gives you.
the powerful love someone has for you, and the affection they show you.
the reliability and consistency that comes from making a commitment to your person.
the first place spot.

& many other elements go into making the above initiatives happen.
but let's say that all of our actions, should support one of the above initiatives.

i'm going to start here,
in examining the expectations i have for myself towards my partner,
and the expectations i have for my partner towards me. 

state of the union

I'm really beginning to understand the value of community.
Because it is something to be a black minority out
and about, as millions of people around the world,
& ones right next to you, just shared a video of another black
male or black female getting killed by the police, publicly, legally, celebrated even.

How do i carry myself as a black woman,
someone who loves herself,
and her culture,
someone who recognizes the inhumane injustice,
this country and its citizens plagued black life with?
How do i carry myself around everyone else?
Should i act like it's all good...it's not.
Should i act of anger, or fear?

There is a war on the black community.
We are really seeing who believes what,
and how that may be detrimental for me as a black american.
How can i be okay when white women and men are constantly inspired by black life,
and profit off it commercially,
when black kids aren't realistically allowed to dream of creating their own business,
or to be a leader in their industry,
to write for the latest sitcom,
or be on zara's design team,
or direct fashion runway shows.
I’m totes not okay with that.
Also, while not being celebrated and motivated,
black kids are also denied sufficient health care,
and healthy resources. Who is caring about their
education and mental health?

This has been happening for decades,
so when you retort with their 'insufficient parents'
they were those same kids once,
who grew into 'adults' and had kids.
Nothing insufficient about black people,
except the lack of representation and value we receive from our country.

America and the rest of the world needs to open their eyes,
Black people aren’t going anywhere,
and we're all stronger together, so don't be mad about it.
Stop strategically and purposefully trying to put us down,
Just let us fxxking live. Properly.
With a reasonable and decent chance of success.

I live in a world,
where everybody knows how everybody really feels
about black people.

clueless

whoa nellie, that's how i'm feeling right now.
this post is going to be topical. meaning focused on a specific topic. lol.

there are some things i have to experience,
before i truly understand them,
or understand an age-old concept about them.

it's bazaar that some truths remain truths forever.
characteristics of people, or certain traits attributed to men or women.
old history and old text constantly confirm,
people were bazaar and self-harm inflicting then, & they are now as well.
this can be taken in a serious perspective,
but it can also be taken in a humorous one.

i never actually thought i would be the dumb girl,
in the old rom-com movies i watched as a child, and a teen.
all the game i had spotted growing up,
was sure to keep me from getting played.
but it's nothing like actually being there.
experiencing the feelings and thoughts that drive undesirable situations into existence.
women and men have been feeling and thinking those things for centuries.

some things have become cliches,
because they are nearly inevitably true.
not everyone is the same, there are exceptions, always, that's a gift,
but, it can be said, that a lot of women have relatable experiences with one another,
because the problematic man/woman scenario has existed also, for centuries.
& the women's submissive status has been perverted by men in every part of the world.

i say that to say, i thought it was kind of funny,
that at the current moment, i can look at my 'romantic' life,
and spot so many fxxking cliches. lol.
'rebounds' especially sorely stick out,
and how dumb you can be when experiencing them.
not realizing that you have all of these open and active emotions,
from your past relationship, that are pouring into and clouding your
judgement with this new dude.
& you're just sitting there wondering,
'why do i have all the feels for this guy,
is this God', no bxtch, it's you, being reckless.
impatient and ignorant.
but look,
i wouldn't know if i didn't do it. lol.
sometimes i have to be stupid that way.
not condoning this,
just being transparent.

i felt all those 90 and early 2000 movies flooding into my memory,
about how guys are deuschbags, and girls are too feel-y, too fast.
& then even some of the super ratchet ones, where i could make a decision,
'was i going to be about that life, or not' (crying face emoji here)
nah, not over here. at least not right now, & hopefully not ever.
i had a taste & i'm not with the shxts.
& guys, will take you out of your character,
dangling fake love in front of your face,
as if that's not corny.
special place in hell for you bro,
you better repent.
open your fxxkin eyes.

anyway, the world keeps turning.
i'm just going to get a better handle on that shxt.

so, this happened.

things happen that question, 

how we truly feel about a person.

someone who receives our devotion

& adoration, suddenly makes,

a truly human mistake, to you.

what do you do?!

if it were a stranger, it'd be easy. 

'hater. idgaf'

but this is your kin,

someone you've built your soul

up with, connected to your

eternal spirit. this is the 

farthest thing from a stranger,

this is a known, acknowledged,

piece of you. lol. what do you do.

WWJD.

forgiveness can be the most

bizarre thing. 

but I've known God in me,

for a long time now. 

& with my fragility, 

have solely depended on Him,

for my entire survival.

so when confronted with,

judgement & disregard,

partly out of ignorance,

partly out of arrogance,

my initial reaction was

shock, disappointment,

a little lostness, a bit broken.

out of all the things to expect,

a lack of doubt in my ability,

to live & navigate through my life,

from you?!

all those moments of 

transparency,

so that you can attempt 

to use them against me?!

talk about hating vulnerability.

but then Jesus reminds me,

how much we all are,

subject to human error.

stuck in our own thoughts,

thinking we're reading in between 

lines, but we're really just filling

in gaps, because we want to

think, we know it all.

when really,

you don't know shxt.

your own life could attest 

to that. no shade. 

& Jesus showed me, why

this may have been 

necessary. not only to show me

pieces of myself, where I've violated, 

as you have.

but for me to practice the 

beauty of forgiveness,

on an entirely new level.

therefor, i thank you for

these words, that you've

given me the opportunity 

to write. i actually thank you

for a lot more than that. you 

know. this only strengthens.

me, you, 🙈🙊🙉, us. 

still standing in darkness

i wrote this on paper first.
when i am fueled from the inside out,
but unsure of the purpose i'm looking to fulfill,
sometimes it is easier that way. (disclaimer)
______________________________________________

going to start writing this here (on paper),
rather than on the computer,
because my mind is entertaining
so many thoughts,
& i am unaware of how i truly feel.
a little shitty probably.

not because God has forsaken me,
but because this world, this society,
works so hard to diminish my value,
& that is shitty.

i've invested so much into a purpose,
& while it was not purpose-less,
as God uses all things for the good of me,
& His purpose for me,
the world will take you, eat you,
& produce nothing for you.
this world will steal your harvest.
the devil has stolen my harvest.

but,
with faith, through faith, in faith,
in the truth that Father God has established for me,
through Christ, my brother, my savior, my king,
the devil has set me up real good.
obligated to pay me,
all that he's stolen from me,
a gagillion times over.
abundantly.
overflowing.
more than enough.

this is the truth that i know.
this goes beyond my feelings,
this is my spirit.
my mind & body...will follow.

so in the time being,
how shall i proceed?

because my mind constantly requires that i check it,
to dismiss thoughts fueled by
fear, anger, bitterness & destruction.

my body has to be forced
out of complacency,
to continue to toil,
although no win, can be physically seen.

people still talk to me,
as if i want to talk.
they still desire my gracefulness,
a smile and respect.
they still desire to take from me.

how shall i proceed?

i'm no longer battling fear,
as to what will happen to me.
my battle is with patience,
to keep peace in a place fueled to keep burning me.

surroundings that will continue to see me,
as less than human,
less than the queen God has made me,
has declared me as.
i'm still expendable,
a punching bag,
a free resource unworthy of,
decency & respect.

how shall i proceed?

this is the true fight,
to keep my peace,
that Christ offers me.
no wonder it must be beyond my understanding.
because peace here,
in this space,
is worldly unfathomable.
worldly peace could not live here.

my joy has to come from the inside out,
produced by heaven,
& it will be the true fight,
to exert it to all.
even those who trespass against me.
because this is what Christ did for me,
although my trespasses against God were many.

there is power in this.
i am powerful.

this calmness Christ has blanketed me with,
is unbreakable.

I am unbreakable
even in the darkness,
all this darkness,
i am unbreakable!

Letting God Lead : In-Relationships

being okay with it not going your way.

first and foremost, i’m blessed. 

my life is blessed. 

& sometimes i get selfish & high-strung, 

as if i, solely, am responsible for how blessed my life is. 

& sometimes i begin to think, 

whole-heartedly, 

regarding all things, 

that i know what’s best for me & my life. 

aaahhahhahahaha. 

that’s a joke if i ever heard one.

now look, 

Jesus has turned me into an optimist. 

even when i come across challenges & tragedies, 

i know that God has & will turn it into something amazing. 

my character after experience in living this life, 

is testimony to that fact. 

…this is the basis of why i refer to my life as blessed.

back to me thinking i know how my life should be….

scenario. 

let’s say God gave me a good thing, 

& with God, through God, I cultivate that good thing, 

as God intended, 

into a great thing. great for the thing, great for me, & great for God. 

but then. 

i start feeling’ myself. like aww, shxt, i’m the shxt. 

& while that is true, 

it wasn’t on my terms. 

it wasn’t something i thought, planned, & brought to my doorstep. 

I let God lead me there, 

I prayed to God for the strength, for the creativity, the patience. 

so when exactly, did this become my plan, extracting God?

sike.

i say that to say, 

that even in relationships, 

relationships especially, 

as a girl, i can get carried away. 

start creating this perfect plan in my head, 

about how me and my partner will cultivate this amazing relationship. 

& then comes all these expectations, 

false ones, not based in real truth but fantasy, 

that i place on not only myself, but my partner. 

then it’s all downhill from there. 

i didn’t even create my own life, i let God do that, 

so what makes me think i can create a perfect one that includes another imperfect human being? 

that’s unrealistic.

so i’ve cancelled my expectations, 

not my standards. God gave us those to protect us. 

but expectations for a perfect relationship & those involved, yes. 

i’ve never even been in a perfect relationship, 

how would i even know what that looks like?

but i do trust God. 

so much so, 

that i know He will cultivate a relationship, 

that is perfect for me. 

& only He knows the inside of another’s heart, 

their motivations, their secret desires, 

He knows info, i could never. 

so He will be my filter.

because look, these nxgguhs, …and me, is crazy.

intense transitions

i wrote this last week, 
but waited until now to post it. 
i've moved in now. God did it. :) 
#amen

____________________________________

i’m moving.

uprooting myself in an attempt to root myself somewhere else.
being uprooted is not my preferred state.
i prefer stability and preparedness.
i was neither prepared mentally or emotionally for this.
let alone, had no idea as to where my new home would be.
can. you. say. anxiety. 

luckily my faith is so deep-rooted,
that fear has a hard time latching on to me.
so although i was uncomfortable,
still somewhat uncomfortable,
i am able to dismiss feelings of hopelessness and despair. 

really, we live in a society that is unstable.
at any moment a natural disaster can happen,
the economy can fail,
a discouraging doctor’s visit can bring unexpected information,
your relationships can fall through…
really, we have no control.
the only control we have is our response.
will you respond in strength and hope,
or in fear?

moving is only one of the few battles i’m currently facing.
because i can only control myself,
tribulations consistently meet me,
but with every win you acquire,
with steadfastness in love & faith,
the bigger your mind grows,
the stronger your heart becomes,
and you find yourself surprised and uber grateful,
at the person you’re becoming. 

so i accepted this battle,
because really, i had no choice.
i wasn’t going to end my life,
due to the worlds cruelty.
in my best language, fxxk that.
love is always bigger and brighter than hate,
even if it isn’t always so clear.
& i prayed, and prayed, & cried, & prayed.
i went through so many intense emotions,
it was sometimes nauseating.
but i put myself out there,
expecting deep down, to win. 

my credit score was eehhh,
there was even some stuff on my credit report,
that i hadn’t done myself,
that i had no idea about,
until i was so close to closing a deal.
it can also be argued,
that i don’t make enough,
to technically ‘win’ in this society.
or at least live in an a-1 desirable neighborhood. 

but luckily for me,
even though it’s more about grace than luck,
a desirable neighborhood to me, isn’t everyones desire.
and the people making the decisions in deciding
if i was the right tenant,
for some reason, they liked me,
and they trusted me. me. a complete stranger. 

i haven’t moved in yet,
but i do have a move-in date for the 30th.
until i’m in,
i don’t think i’ll be completely at ease,
or ideally comfortable,
but what I’ve gotten to take away from this already,
all this grace being displayed in my life,
it’s incredible.
i chose to show up,
and God showed out. :)

love like God

i felt compelled to write this,
because so many things are happening,
& constantly shifting,
but my core perspective and belief does not.
i'm rooted in this because it is always right.
& is not affected by the ever-changing society & world,
we are all apart of.
_______________________________________________________

My objective as a person is to be fruitful.
It is to receive God’s love and be so grateful that it pours from me onto and in someone else.
i believe all people were created by God, who is essentially, in this regard, our perfect parent.

i believe our world is full of discrepancies
& that truths concerning our existence & purpose
have been buried deep beneath theories & ideas
void of our Creator, Father God.

Regardless, it is still my purpose, my objective,
to receive love from above, & then
exert that to others in a way only i can.
a way specific to my spirit, my dna, my experiences, my imagination.
For this opportunity, i’m eternally and unconditionally grateful.

Therefore, regardless of what you identify with,
or how you identify yourself,
my love for you is eternal and unconditional.

This is not dependent on race, education, economic status,
gender, sexuality, religion or any other label
we have created to classify ourselves and others.

This is also not dependent on your actions.
You are loved by me, simply because you exist.
God thought you worth creating & existing,
& I will uphold that truth over any other,
knowing that you are a capable and valued human being
worthy of my respect and love.

exclaiming victory

sometimes i struggle,
attempting to be perfect & right from all angles.
in my own capacity though, that is impossible.

so the only analysis i can give,
is the result of what my eyes see,
what my heart feels,
what my mind comprehends.
therefor, i am the living proof,
i'm the truth that maters amongst my own words.

lol, that's my introduction to what i shall proceed to write after this quick explanation. for these words i was attempting to capture moments and feelings of redemption and victory for a long-standing battle i've been plagued with since i was a child. the moments being focused on is only one example of the many victories God has helped deliver to me. :)

it's one thing to know you've risen above
the circumstances of your past.
to have found and shed light on your worth & value,
after you've been fighting against the dark for so long.
but then it is another,
to live your, newly found & steadily growing, light & value,
directly in the face of darkness !!

...because the darkness will continue to exists,
whether you choose to live within it or not.
& even though you've overcome it,
it will revisit, attempting to break you again.
it will wait for its perfect time,
attacking where it thinks you're weak,
with no shame.
...at least, this is my experience with it.

but, i have no fear.
my faith rest in the creator of the universe,
& His Son who has proven to love me more,
than the world could ever.

so even in the face of darkness, &
all of darkness' allies,
all the people being used, to carry out its will,
against me & others,
i stand steadfast in my light, my value and worth,
unaffected, #unbothered! hey now...lol.

this victory is so powerful,
so uplifting,
comforting beyond understanding,
this is my experience.

as for my self-proclaimed enemies,
who have allowed themselves to be used,
spewing out darkness,
they get no reaction from me,
just this testimony exclaiming their defeat.

...outside the lines.

i'm going to attempt to put into words,
the value i've realized, exist in rules.
standard outlines,
a universal code,
that everyone can accomplish,
so that in general, we can communicate.
that's a beautiful thing.
to have established practices,
traditions, familiar processes.

being aware of these standard positions,
holding doors, saying hello, politeness,
literary rules, constructing a sentence,
acknowledging ambulances,
inside voices, table manners,
eating with forks, (not a fan of this when i was a child)
etc...there's a million.
allow us to come together,
share with one another,
even if we don't immediately relate.

but when i was a child,
who loved to eat with her hands,
i had a strong disdain for these rules.
not that i thought certain actions or behaviors weren't appropriate or beneficial,
but that someone was telling me how i should act,
as if i didn't have enough reason,
to arrive at that decision myself.
& what if i didn't want to exactly do it 'your' way, ...
i wanted there to be nothing wrong with that,
as long as it accomplished what i desired,
& was peaceful to the public.

but now.
now.
as a professional woman in an industry,
as a creative, a writer, a visionary,
i am so grateful for these little details...
these social traditions,
this umbrella we operate under.
definitely not saying, that to stay & only operate under that umbrella is the ideal way, no.
but to have that frame of reference !!! yes.

while some of our social traditions are based on biased thinking,
essentially being sexist, agist, classist, etc...
some of them are natural evolution.
they exists for reasons, on purpose. they work.
working in a creative industry,
where you're attempting to market your creativity to the general population successfully,
having that plane that you know exists, that a lot of people can relate to...
so valuable.
that consistency, general same-mindedness, ...at least regarding certain things.

ALSO, because my little rebel still exists, even in this professional couture fit....
rules exists, so that WE CAN BREAK THEM, SOMETIMES.
there are these special moments, that we treasure,
that coloring outside of the lines, works, and is amazing,
& sometimes, reshapes the line it purposely disregarded.
that could never happen if that line didn't exist.

design rules, in lettering, architecture, web design, etc...
they're there for a reason, because they work.
they look good, they are outlines, you can count on.
writing rules, punctuation, capitalization, etc...
so that in general, what you write, can be understood.

but this is the fun part.
because by not choosing to use those general rules,
you get to say something,
without really saying it.

this is my blog.
these are my words.
this is my mind, layed out, how i like it,
how i believe it is accurately transferred,
from the wiring in my brain,
to the wiring that is this computer, & further, this internet.
some punctuation rules, i disregard.
my thoughts are informal.
when they are here, displayed in this context,
on this platform,
they are still in general, just raw thoughts,
not specifically assigned to a purpose, which in that case, they may need 'rule' adjustments.
therefore, i illustrate that with my lack of formality in my writing.
all my case is lower except when referring to something holy, like God,
because i don't like to take myself so seriously.
this is my comfort zone, a cozy place, a no-judgement zone,
but all of that is possible, that message, this act of small defiance,
because the rules are there.
& sometimes, they are meant to be broken.

where i'm at | 04.05.15

so many things.
so many things happening inside of my little body;
...my expansive mind, my active spirit, God's Spirit,
all of those feelings & the emotions that follow.
sometimes it feels as if what's happening inside of me,
& the things happening to me,
are too big for me.
all of these battles being fought, at the same time,
...constantly having your attention & focus split,
attempting to keep yourself above water,
concerning every aspect of your life.
the only moments representing peace that you get,
are the ones you decide to make or let happen.

but it's all, not for nothing.
it is for something.
i am attempting to live on purpose,
allowing every moment to matter.
& when you choose to live,
as if God is your salvation,
your peace, your well-being, your success...
moments attempting to promote rejection & oppression will happen.

so i'm in the midst of a journey.
transitioning from one point to a further one.
going up. :)
if you could see the insides of me,
they would look as they always look,
a good work in progress.

...calling it what it 'should' be.

i have somewhat, been away.
only diving online mostly as a spectator,
not in the mindset to be a contributor.

mostly because, i like to think before i talk.
i like there to be significant reasons why i am saying what i say,
i like my words to be set in some meaning,
a real, significant meaning.
not some superficial current state, brought upon some simple passing circumstance.
we feel so many things, in so many moments,
some i prefer more than others.
some i want to highlight,
some i don't.

& lately, i haven't gotten many moments to not only think,
but to execute,
in regards to personal work.
but this is okay,
because taking time to observe,
is something i enjoy,
& find necessary.
so in the mean time,
i've been storing up some amazing variables,
that will inevitably show themselves,
through something that i offer from the insides of me.

i tweeted some thought process i had yesterday.
it was a reaction to things i have been handling,
as well as how i was handling them.
keeping my perspective in check,
not letting defeat reach my imagination,
& only think on rest & peace & success.
to me, i have no choice.
when faced with circumstances,
that could either get much worse,
& begin eating away at my sustainability.
i have no room for negativity. none.
i cannot play with the addictiveness of being a victim,
i must, must, must, keep my head not only above water,
but in the clouds; where my help comes from!
therefor my choices & actions will be reflective of my thoughts,
secure, safe, hopeful, expectant, faithful, joyus!

it wasn't until i experienced circumstances,
that could bring true fear to my heart,
& commit to a reaction to them,
that i could speak on something worth saying.

...sometimes it's better to call it what it should be, instead of what it is.
— ashmytash (@averyashlay) February 27, 2015

not denying the reality, but stating faith. the belief that what you're believing for will manifest.
— ashmytash (@averyashlay) February 27, 2015

...with having good reason to believe for that.
— ashmytash (@averyashlay) February 27, 2015

& a 'good' reason is specific to every life. some are logical, some are 'special'
— ashmytash (@averyashlay) February 27, 2015

i say what i say about stating faith, because i always see eagerness to highlight the bad, when actually a repetitive cycle of stating good,
— ashmytash (@averyashlay) February 27, 2015

...could change the entire energy of this world. change the world's attitude...
— ashmytash (@averyashlay) February 27, 2015

i think we can all agree, the world needs a serious attitude adjustment.
— ashmytash (@averyashlay) February 27, 2015

your value; uncompromised

can i say something…
the perverted dependency women have for men, 
it disgust me. 
i don’t want it. 
anymore. lol.

the admiration, 
the respect, 
the admittance of desire, 
yes. these things i will participate in…
gladly. 

but the yearn, the desperation, the incomprehensible willingness 
to sacrifice our respect….no. no. nooo.

& i’m not a man hater. 
i love men. 
their drive, competitiveness & aggressiveness, 
their natural nature to be logical & assess without emotion, their entire essence;
i find these things very valuable, 
especially in association to myself & how i am. 

& i even find myself passionate about serving one another in intimate relationships. 
providing for one another’s needs in a way that only the other can provide…
i believe this unity is not easy to create & maintain, but it is a priceless gift in our lives. 

but so often, we as women become our own worst enemy. 
over analyzing someones attraction to us, or lack there of…
i’m specifically speaking on the variable of negative emotions women feel about themselves, 
brought on by the action or lack of action from a man. 
a reaction to disappointment is natural…
but there are good reactions, in which you acknowledge, learn & grow. 
& then there are bad reactions, in which you stay stuck: out of desperation, confusion, fear.

i’ve experienced this. i’ve been very intimate with bad thoughts & bad decisions. 
i see myself in other’s bad decisions, knowing i’ve been there. 
stuck in some rotten mindset, that sets us back, instead of setting us up for something better. 
...when we just continue to take from ourselves, instead of investing in ourselves. 

the type of intimacy so many women desire, 
it cannot be forced or manipulated. 
it has to make itself available, 
we as women have to recognize real opportunity, 
one that isn't forced or disillusioned into existence... 
& then proceed to act as if we want it. 

but in the midst of that, 
we have standards ... standards there to keep us from attacking ourselves.
prevent us from manipulating ourselves, 
feeling bad about ourselves. 

our value and appeal...
by no means does it lie in the opinion of a man. 
men didn't make us, God did. 
we can't give that power to someone else, 
for that disrespects us & our creator. 
therefore, your worth & appeal, 
are never compromised hunny. :)

i was reluctant to write this. 
i didn’t want to come off perpetrating ‘expert’. 
but i am a young women, with a critical thinking mind, approaching this with a genuine heart. 
my perspective is also valuable, & the possible benefit of sharing outweighed my reluctancy. 
therefor ...

...from damaged to diamond

#heyfranhey's vlog on mental wellness here, as well as twenties unscripted, The Battle for Revival, here
inspired this post....
a lot of talk lately on mental health ...
dark moments we experience inspired my desire to share.

mental stability is something i’ve strived for nearly all of my life,
constantly. the value and worth i feel for myself goes up and down severely like a see-saw,
& is constantly shifted by the smallest thoughts.
sometimes thoughts regarding something only speculated,
something that has no basis or no real substance even.
my mind has been geared towards a negative reflection of myself for so long, so strongly,
that it is a constant battle to keep steady. 

this reality existed for me long before the social media aspect of the internet became a fundamental staple in our lives. with its introduction came a tsunami of opportunities for some thought to come into my head that completely broke down my self worth to crumbles of dirt & had me wanting to hide in a dark hole alone, forever. 

there are so many reasons i’ve developed these soft spots.
i have experienced loads of verbal, mental & emotional abuse for a period as an adolescent,
in my home, school, work … at a time when other kids are developing their value and worth,
mine was constantly being compromised.
at certain points i felt i had little to no reasons to feel any value at all.
but those little reasons, are what kept me going, kept me trying, believing it was worth it.
those reasons, reasons I feel God gave me on purpose;
a God-mother who always attended to me,
a neighbor family who always valued my presence,
hiphop!! via kurupt & mobb deep,
...all so significant in the reasons why i am where i am now…. in a place i can even write this. 

i begin to realize the negative feelings I would have towards myself were wrong.
although it felt so right to believe i would never accomplish anything,
or that i could never be loved by someone other than family,
& it took everything in me to oppose that, i would anyway.
maybe not right away. maybe it took a break down,
maybe it took solitude for a few days, but eventually … i wasn’t having it. 

through experience and relationships i realized these mental thoughts
were meant as attacks on the beliefs i had of my value.
i knew that things that I had experienced as a pre-teen/teenager made me vulnerable in
social situations or how i saw myself in relation to the rest of the world.
i knew there were dark memories i never wanted to confront,
& that they were the source of why i felt the way i did.
...but since when does my past dictate my future?
God says it doesn’t have to, therefore I knew it didn’t. 

so that brings me to the direction of my journey. the outline you can say,
the fundamentals that have aided me in this road to salvation,
because i knew i wanted to save myself.
i knew that God would have never made something that wasn’t worth saving.
& it was how God saw me & how that resonated with me, that saved me.
that i was thought into existence before the foundations of the earth,
& that my creator knows the number of hairs on my head.
God has given meaning to everything in my life,
even my tragedies have been used to mold me into a resilient human being with a huge imagination
& a compassionate heart. how could i not even be thankful for that?!
not thankful for the pain then, at that moment, but that it wasn’t for nothing.
God turned my losses into wins...

my journey is specific. i’ve never felt like i ever fit into categories,
which is a source for the reason, i tend to keep to myself.
i’m a Jesus-freak who has a deep & real passion for hiphop!
i hold some traditional standards of a womans role in society,
but also know that I am more than a wife or even a mother.
I celebrate the naturalness of a women, but I adore makeup.
I constantly desire information to feed my intellect, but I also love to feed my imagination.
I am a black woman, but also know God & His creation are bigger than color
& believe your destiny could never be buried due to your race or economic status. 

(Although i don’t deny my differences, i never celebrated them either.
i am still in this process of being comfortable with myself.)

Part of Frans video hit home when she talks about being alone.
I desired more than anything to feel adequate just by myself. Me, alone, i am worthy!
so that regardless of what happens, or what can be said, or who goes & who stays,
I am still just as worthy today, as I was yesterday.
That has always been my goal, because I realized, through this journey,
that you can have expectations for people or relationships,
but that does not constitute who they will choose to be or how they choose to act.
therefore, it would be completely illogical for me to place my value or worth in the hands of others.
their presence, their opinions, their approval …. nope, suck it. 

i am getting there. more and more.
when i feel worthy, i have the desire to execute my thoughts or ideas,
to create and take risks. & over time those risks with faith have produced great rewards.
I know now that me, myself, is enough! :)
I create my own standard for myself, and always attempt to live up to that,
regardless of anyone else’s behavior.
therefore, if my character, actions, or thoughts & beliefs were never based an ounce on you,
why would your opinion of them matter at all?! :)
… i am getting to a place where it rarely does. & if it does, not for long.
this journey i believe, is never ending.
i aim to have bad moments, weak moments,
happen as infrequently as possible...
but i know as long as i am alive on this earth,
they will occur.
but now, i am better prepared & equipped to stand steadfast,
regardless...

i talk to myself, to God ... a lot!
i talk through my feelings & perspectives constantly.
when fran mentioned not addressing our real feelings for too long,
it resonated with me.
because sometimes i get so distracted with the world,
that i forget to conversate with myself...
i need this time to work through my thoughts,
determine them and my feelings, something like an update.
as things happen, our minds and perspectives need constant updates, renewals, retouches, etc...

more and more, day by day, literally, i get the opportunity to show out.
to believe, even if that means going against all this negative energy that seemed to meet me that day,
that this too shall past, & before it, through it and after it,
i was, am, & will continue to be awesome & more than enough. :)

checking in with myself ...

so i had written this post previously,
to describe this cycle feeling i keep experiencing.
not being efficient, because i'm not feeling it ...
but feeling it even less due to the lack of efficiency taken place.
do you see how i could be the cause of my own problem,
& at some point, I have to take this initiative,
to go against the feeling of complacency,
and fear of failure, & realize there is immeasurable value in my efforts,
even if they only produce lessons and experience.

the post was to work through thoughts,
& feelings,
& meet some concrete answers & direction,
in terms of what i want,
what i can do,
& what is keeping me from it.

more than anything ...
i get a comforting feeling of appreciation & gratitude.
i realized a lot of my guilt was produced by false standards.
we get so caught up in what we haven't done,
& all the 'damage' that has been done because of it.
& the world telling us,
that really by 30,
you should be very close to some groundbreaking piece of work or invention...

the world gives me this sense of urgency,
that i should be doing all i can,
at this very moment. & if i don't,
i am deserving of nothing.
it produces unsatisfaction & selfishness.

but i love where i'm at.
the opportunity & spaces God has created for me.
these environments that open my eyes,
test my creativity & efficiency,
test my resilience & confidence,
i am so overwhelmingly grateful...
& i don't want to rush that.

by no means do I feel i've mastered all my current roles,
so why do I hate myself for not being in a place,
i'm still getting ready for?

i'm learning to treasure the process,
even more than I had before.
...because i've been in this place before,
& no doubt, i will meet it again later in life,
in the midst of some next transition.

i'm seeing more the value of small goals,
little commitments that turn into good habits.
& there are things I want to obtain,
achievements i want to accomplish,
that sometimes seem too big and farfetched,
but i am trusting in my journey,
the things that have already happened,
& all of the dreams i'm believing for. :)

subconscious : from enemy to friend

when you think about what life has made of your sub-conscious,
all these barriers that need to be broken,
...just for you to live, ...to be able to respond,
instead of always reacting to life. it irritates me like, wtf.

as i've grown older i am constantly confronted with my own issues.
perspectives, habits, insecurities that i've acquired
due to some uncontrollable situation
that decided to happen to me.

i hate that there are ways i want to be,
things i want to do, ...that i can't, ...at least not right away.
not until i address whatever would be keeping me from that.

it is not easy for me to maintain relationships,
to be in a place that is accommodating for friends and family when they have needs.
when they have the desire for my company, my companionship,
i constantly have to readjust myself to be comfortable.
...to not be paranoid, or automatically defensive.
or to not go on overdose people pleasing mode to the detriment of our relationship.

i often associate working and productivity with a lack of freedom.
do you know how detrimental this is?
do you know how many times i have shorted myself due to this illogical,
damaging, manipulative sub conscious concept.
i am literally at a place in my life where i am constantly fighting myself with this.
...where it will take an apocalypse to happen just for me to initiate a session of work.
i hate that. i hate that i have to waste so much time reminding myself this is really what i want,
even if my mind can't make full sense of it.

a session of marietv made me think of this.
it was q&a tuesday, & a reader expressed the unwillingness
of her sub-conscious to get on board w/ her conscious & ego mind,
regarding making progress within her business.
sounds. like. me. all. the. way.
& then she mentioned constantly guilt-tripping over it,
being her own worst enemy.
all. me. again.
i got teary-eyed.

this process of re-training your subconscious,
it's a natural direction to take when you want something really bad,
even if we're doing it subconsciously.
i constantly introduce my mind to scenarios, logic, examples...
to remind it, that this is what we want,
& we have what it takes to get it,
& we will do what it takes to get it,
& we will get it.
..but what this video has partially helped me realize,
was that i can make this a practice.
retrain my sub-concious on purpose.
understand that this is my goal when i'm working my mind,
& that i am investing in a process,
& my progress is inevitable.
this video helped me realize this is actually an effective approach,
a practice i can commit to. just giving myself new thoughts, specific ones,
and validating them.
ones concerning my work ethic,
concerning my fears,
concerning my self & relationships w/ others.

instead of approaching my subconscious w/ irritation,
& resentment for all of its secret methods,
i will approach w/ appreciation & reverence.
my subconscious is meant to be a tool,
not an enemy.
throughout my being,
a cohesive belief will be that we desire all of our interests,
to be God influenced. & that He will carry us & sustain us,
therefor fear is unnecessary.
we believe that we can achieve all God has meant for us,
& that will not cause us harm or seclusion or failure & emptiness,
but that it will aid in us being a beacon of light through God,
that not only sustains & inspires us,
but that serves as a source of hope for everyone around us.

I have posted this youtube session of MarieTV on my lifestyle blog.
I like MarieTV.
I don't always agree with her & 'self-help' methods in general,
because most of the time, they don't take into account God's truth,
which is for me, the ultimate truth.
but these tactics and approaches, & this knowledge is valuable.
when used in a way that is cohesive to what we know about God,
& His Kingdom, & His Truth for us, it just strengthen's the gears.
helping you to utilize what God gave you to the maximum ability.
It can help strengthen your relationship w/ God,
& with yourself in relation to the rest of the world.

what happens when you repeat. receiving faith.

i'm finally listening to my insides, 

when it gives me a lovefaith topic, 

to share thoughts about. 

i think this will be some what of a series, between this blog & my other, averyashlay.com. 

this entry focusing on how i feel about faith confessions in general, 

& others about specific faith confessions & what they mean for your life. :)

posts full of life and love. #amen. 

confessions. 

we hear about the power of confessions constantly. 

about the affects of what you constantly confess. 

we don't really listen though. we don't apply it. consciously. 

because regardless of if you're aware of it or not, 

you're confessing things over your life & others constantly.

if you really comprehended the power of spoken words, 

would you make more of an attempt to change it?

if you realized how much you've hurt your own self by the things you've already confessed over your own life, 

would you invest the time and focus into the process of changing it?

I have this list of confessions i received from my church. 

it takes bible verses God made as promises and writes them in a form 

you can easily read over your life. 

for example. 'I am Healed by His Stripes' (1 Peter 2:24)
the truth in this verse, makes this statement real and true if you decide to take it for yourself, 

but do you understand, you're the one who has to take the promises. 
God gave them, but you have to receive them. that is your action. your belief, which activates the realness. 

God did this for you. He has givin you answers and solutions. He has givin you promises and forgiveness. take it. feel love. know it. your only reaction to receiving something so real, so pure, so undeserved, is to spread it. :)

the treasure in youth

there are things we once believed,
things we believed could happen,
happen on our behalf.
there are things are hearts were capable of having compassion for,
things our eyes saw the beauty in,
a time where there was no limit in our minds,
and sometimes the 'unreal' could mix with what's 'real'

since when did we decide,
what's best, based on our limited logic.
when did we decide we've learned all that we need,
& our perspective is perfect and poised?
why don't we want to believe in more, for more,
for your creator, for yourself, for the world.

something about my preferences and perspective remains 'childlike'
& sometimes a feeling attempts to creep up on me,
saying i'm kind of a underdeveloped, immature creep because of it.
but more and more, with more strength behind my belief,
i know that's not true. & that i rather have it, than not.

i want to believe, that people can change,
anyone could change, the power does not have to escape them,
even though i know, some will not.
i don't want to feed off another's anger or fear,
but always be a beacon of light,
full of fearless love, and skill.

i don't want to base my character my perspective,
off the actions of another.
my moral is not compromised by our inevitable human flaws.

i want to find joy in anything,
derive hope and love from anything.
i want the 'little' moments to always be enough,

i want my imagination to be capable of running wild,
i want it to be a tool,
for hopes and dreams, for comfort and creativity.

there's the youth that gives you time,
we treasure it because we fear its departure.
but there's that youth that can stay with you as you grow,
a perspective of hope and excitement,
that will keep us in all these ass-hole moments of adulthood & responsibility,
that allows us to remain our true-selves,
unhindered by the shiftiness of fear.