death of self confidence

i always surprise myself.
is this good?
always being surprised that you're actually more sufficient,
than you thought you were?
why you always thinking you insufficient?

confidence in Christ,
is so much better than confidence in self.
i believe i am always in this battle,
because this world pushes so much need for self-confidence on you.
but this is not me.

if i attempt to act like this, from the self,
it is inconsistent,
it is not sustainable,
it is fake, most times,
and keeps you from acting in honesty with others.

but when i am confident in Christ,
for the sake of my relationship with my God
for the sake of my own well-being,
for the sake of my intimate relationship,
for the sake of my family,
for the sake of my efforts,
for the sake of my friends,
for the sake of my career,
it is not in vain.

only i can be inconsistent,
the Lord cannot.
He will always come through,
He will always love,
and grant peace,
and defeat that which acts against you.

it is when i forget this,
and judge my circumstances based off my own capacity,
and judge my future based off my own capacity,
that i am destined to fail,
that i am destined to break.
alone i am weak,
in Christ i am everything good.

imagine that.

your value; uncompromised

can i say something…
the perverted dependency women have for men, 
it disgust me. 
i don’t want it. 
anymore. lol.

the admiration, 
the respect, 
the admittance of desire, 
yes. these things i will participate in…
gladly. 

but the yearn, the desperation, the incomprehensible willingness 
to sacrifice our respect….no. no. nooo.

& i’m not a man hater. 
i love men. 
their drive, competitiveness & aggressiveness, 
their natural nature to be logical & assess without emotion, their entire essence;
i find these things very valuable, 
especially in association to myself & how i am. 

& i even find myself passionate about serving one another in intimate relationships. 
providing for one another’s needs in a way that only the other can provide…
i believe this unity is not easy to create & maintain, but it is a priceless gift in our lives. 

but so often, we as women become our own worst enemy. 
over analyzing someones attraction to us, or lack there of…
i’m specifically speaking on the variable of negative emotions women feel about themselves, 
brought on by the action or lack of action from a man. 
a reaction to disappointment is natural…
but there are good reactions, in which you acknowledge, learn & grow. 
& then there are bad reactions, in which you stay stuck: out of desperation, confusion, fear.

i’ve experienced this. i’ve been very intimate with bad thoughts & bad decisions. 
i see myself in other’s bad decisions, knowing i’ve been there. 
stuck in some rotten mindset, that sets us back, instead of setting us up for something better. 
...when we just continue to take from ourselves, instead of investing in ourselves. 

the type of intimacy so many women desire, 
it cannot be forced or manipulated. 
it has to make itself available, 
we as women have to recognize real opportunity, 
one that isn't forced or disillusioned into existence... 
& then proceed to act as if we want it. 

but in the midst of that, 
we have standards ... standards there to keep us from attacking ourselves.
prevent us from manipulating ourselves, 
feeling bad about ourselves. 

our value and appeal...
by no means does it lie in the opinion of a man. 
men didn't make us, God did. 
we can't give that power to someone else, 
for that disrespects us & our creator. 
therefore, your worth & appeal, 
are never compromised hunny. :)

i was reluctant to write this. 
i didn’t want to come off perpetrating ‘expert’. 
but i am a young women, with a critical thinking mind, approaching this with a genuine heart. 
my perspective is also valuable, & the possible benefit of sharing outweighed my reluctancy. 
therefor ...

...from damaged to diamond

#heyfranhey's vlog on mental wellness here, as well as twenties unscripted, The Battle for Revival, here
inspired this post....
a lot of talk lately on mental health ...
dark moments we experience inspired my desire to share.

mental stability is something i’ve strived for nearly all of my life,
constantly. the value and worth i feel for myself goes up and down severely like a see-saw,
& is constantly shifted by the smallest thoughts.
sometimes thoughts regarding something only speculated,
something that has no basis or no real substance even.
my mind has been geared towards a negative reflection of myself for so long, so strongly,
that it is a constant battle to keep steady. 

this reality existed for me long before the social media aspect of the internet became a fundamental staple in our lives. with its introduction came a tsunami of opportunities for some thought to come into my head that completely broke down my self worth to crumbles of dirt & had me wanting to hide in a dark hole alone, forever. 

there are so many reasons i’ve developed these soft spots.
i have experienced loads of verbal, mental & emotional abuse for a period as an adolescent,
in my home, school, work … at a time when other kids are developing their value and worth,
mine was constantly being compromised.
at certain points i felt i had little to no reasons to feel any value at all.
but those little reasons, are what kept me going, kept me trying, believing it was worth it.
those reasons, reasons I feel God gave me on purpose;
a God-mother who always attended to me,
a neighbor family who always valued my presence,
hiphop!! via kurupt & mobb deep,
...all so significant in the reasons why i am where i am now…. in a place i can even write this. 

i begin to realize the negative feelings I would have towards myself were wrong.
although it felt so right to believe i would never accomplish anything,
or that i could never be loved by someone other than family,
& it took everything in me to oppose that, i would anyway.
maybe not right away. maybe it took a break down,
maybe it took solitude for a few days, but eventually … i wasn’t having it. 

through experience and relationships i realized these mental thoughts
were meant as attacks on the beliefs i had of my value.
i knew that things that I had experienced as a pre-teen/teenager made me vulnerable in
social situations or how i saw myself in relation to the rest of the world.
i knew there were dark memories i never wanted to confront,
& that they were the source of why i felt the way i did.
...but since when does my past dictate my future?
God says it doesn’t have to, therefore I knew it didn’t. 

so that brings me to the direction of my journey. the outline you can say,
the fundamentals that have aided me in this road to salvation,
because i knew i wanted to save myself.
i knew that God would have never made something that wasn’t worth saving.
& it was how God saw me & how that resonated with me, that saved me.
that i was thought into existence before the foundations of the earth,
& that my creator knows the number of hairs on my head.
God has given meaning to everything in my life,
even my tragedies have been used to mold me into a resilient human being with a huge imagination
& a compassionate heart. how could i not even be thankful for that?!
not thankful for the pain then, at that moment, but that it wasn’t for nothing.
God turned my losses into wins...

my journey is specific. i’ve never felt like i ever fit into categories,
which is a source for the reason, i tend to keep to myself.
i’m a Jesus-freak who has a deep & real passion for hiphop!
i hold some traditional standards of a womans role in society,
but also know that I am more than a wife or even a mother.
I celebrate the naturalness of a women, but I adore makeup.
I constantly desire information to feed my intellect, but I also love to feed my imagination.
I am a black woman, but also know God & His creation are bigger than color
& believe your destiny could never be buried due to your race or economic status. 

(Although i don’t deny my differences, i never celebrated them either.
i am still in this process of being comfortable with myself.)

Part of Frans video hit home when she talks about being alone.
I desired more than anything to feel adequate just by myself. Me, alone, i am worthy!
so that regardless of what happens, or what can be said, or who goes & who stays,
I am still just as worthy today, as I was yesterday.
That has always been my goal, because I realized, through this journey,
that you can have expectations for people or relationships,
but that does not constitute who they will choose to be or how they choose to act.
therefore, it would be completely illogical for me to place my value or worth in the hands of others.
their presence, their opinions, their approval …. nope, suck it. 

i am getting there. more and more.
when i feel worthy, i have the desire to execute my thoughts or ideas,
to create and take risks. & over time those risks with faith have produced great rewards.
I know now that me, myself, is enough! :)
I create my own standard for myself, and always attempt to live up to that,
regardless of anyone else’s behavior.
therefore, if my character, actions, or thoughts & beliefs were never based an ounce on you,
why would your opinion of them matter at all?! :)
… i am getting to a place where it rarely does. & if it does, not for long.
this journey i believe, is never ending.
i aim to have bad moments, weak moments,
happen as infrequently as possible...
but i know as long as i am alive on this earth,
they will occur.
but now, i am better prepared & equipped to stand steadfast,
regardless...

i talk to myself, to God ... a lot!
i talk through my feelings & perspectives constantly.
when fran mentioned not addressing our real feelings for too long,
it resonated with me.
because sometimes i get so distracted with the world,
that i forget to conversate with myself...
i need this time to work through my thoughts,
determine them and my feelings, something like an update.
as things happen, our minds and perspectives need constant updates, renewals, retouches, etc...

more and more, day by day, literally, i get the opportunity to show out.
to believe, even if that means going against all this negative energy that seemed to meet me that day,
that this too shall past, & before it, through it and after it,
i was, am, & will continue to be awesome & more than enough. :)