why would i care

why do i care so much about pleasing you,

when you will just do what you want to. 

even at the expense of us,

with a disregard for me.

i don’t deserve effort?

i don’t deserve discipline?

i don’t deserve respect? 

or maybe sometimes,

but only you get to decide. 

how can you be the head

when you possess no brain.

...because you must be stupid.

to taint life with death,

to bring rain into our sunshine,

to think you could still have,

what you gave away,

when you gave into yourself,

instead of giving into us.

why would i care at all about pleasing you

so, this happened.

things happen that question, 

how we truly feel about a person.

someone who receives our devotion

& adoration, suddenly makes,

a truly human mistake, to you.

what do you do?!

if it were a stranger, it'd be easy. 

'hater. idgaf'

but this is your kin,

someone you've built your soul

up with, connected to your

eternal spirit. this is the 

farthest thing from a stranger,

this is a known, acknowledged,

piece of you. lol. what do you do.

WWJD.

forgiveness can be the most

bizarre thing. 

but I've known God in me,

for a long time now. 

& with my fragility, 

have solely depended on Him,

for my entire survival.

so when confronted with,

judgement & disregard,

partly out of ignorance,

partly out of arrogance,

my initial reaction was

shock, disappointment,

a little lostness, a bit broken.

out of all the things to expect,

a lack of doubt in my ability,

to live & navigate through my life,

from you?!

all those moments of 

transparency,

so that you can attempt 

to use them against me?!

talk about hating vulnerability.

but then Jesus reminds me,

how much we all are,

subject to human error.

stuck in our own thoughts,

thinking we're reading in between 

lines, but we're really just filling

in gaps, because we want to

think, we know it all.

when really,

you don't know shxt.

your own life could attest 

to that. no shade. 

& Jesus showed me, why

this may have been 

necessary. not only to show me

pieces of myself, where I've violated, 

as you have.

but for me to practice the 

beauty of forgiveness,

on an entirely new level.

therefor, i thank you for

these words, that you've

given me the opportunity 

to write. i actually thank you

for a lot more than that. you 

know. this only strengthens.

me, you, 🙈🙊🙉, us. 

still standing in darkness

i wrote this on paper first.
when i am fueled from the inside out,
but unsure of the purpose i'm looking to fulfill,
sometimes it is easier that way. (disclaimer)
______________________________________________

going to start writing this here (on paper),
rather than on the computer,
because my mind is entertaining
so many thoughts,
& i am unaware of how i truly feel.
a little shitty probably.

not because God has forsaken me,
but because this world, this society,
works so hard to diminish my value,
& that is shitty.

i've invested so much into a purpose,
& while it was not purpose-less,
as God uses all things for the good of me,
& His purpose for me,
the world will take you, eat you,
& produce nothing for you.
this world will steal your harvest.
the devil has stolen my harvest.

but,
with faith, through faith, in faith,
in the truth that Father God has established for me,
through Christ, my brother, my savior, my king,
the devil has set me up real good.
obligated to pay me,
all that he's stolen from me,
a gagillion times over.
abundantly.
overflowing.
more than enough.

this is the truth that i know.
this goes beyond my feelings,
this is my spirit.
my mind & body...will follow.

so in the time being,
how shall i proceed?

because my mind constantly requires that i check it,
to dismiss thoughts fueled by
fear, anger, bitterness & destruction.

my body has to be forced
out of complacency,
to continue to toil,
although no win, can be physically seen.

people still talk to me,
as if i want to talk.
they still desire my gracefulness,
a smile and respect.
they still desire to take from me.

how shall i proceed?

i'm no longer battling fear,
as to what will happen to me.
my battle is with patience,
to keep peace in a place fueled to keep burning me.

surroundings that will continue to see me,
as less than human,
less than the queen God has made me,
has declared me as.
i'm still expendable,
a punching bag,
a free resource unworthy of,
decency & respect.

how shall i proceed?

this is the true fight,
to keep my peace,
that Christ offers me.
no wonder it must be beyond my understanding.
because peace here,
in this space,
is worldly unfathomable.
worldly peace could not live here.

my joy has to come from the inside out,
produced by heaven,
& it will be the true fight,
to exert it to all.
even those who trespass against me.
because this is what Christ did for me,
although my trespasses against God were many.

there is power in this.
i am powerful.

this calmness Christ has blanketed me with,
is unbreakable.

I am unbreakable
even in the darkness,
all this darkness,
i am unbreakable!