A Side of Christ

i was feeling low on faith. 

some tough realities were bothering me. 
hindering me from feeling good, feeling motivated, 
loved and valuable.

because this can be super harmful if not addressed, 
I Had To Get Stuck on Jesus, and quick. 

anyway, that led me to this T.D. Jakes sermon, 
which prompted a reading of Luke 17. 

& it's not that this scripture directly addressed 
my lack-luster preceding moments, 
but it brought Jesus before me, 
not only in the real way of being reminded 
His presence and goodness are 24/7/365, 
but in a new way. wow. 

a picture of His character, an 
understanding of His will & perspective 
that I had not been ready to see before. 

In ways that correspond to the woman I am today. 
a black woman, one of God's. 
& the realities that I face and the comforts I seek.
the offenses perpetuated against me & the
offense I myself perpetrate against others. 

& let me tell you, I had my suspicions, 
but Jesus really is that guy. 

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We are often taught the concept of forgiveness in church, 
but never really taught how to deal with violence perpetuated against us, 
whether that violence be emotional, mental, physical, sexual, etc...

& what can end up happening, is our relationship with Christ can suffer, 
and we can begin to move away from the church after suffering something traumatic, 
because it seems that Christ has no help for us, for our feelings and our present troubles. 

but that's wrong. because where you're righteously angry, so is Christ. 
& forgiveness is not just given, it is earned. 
& like you and me, Christ also rebukes and turns away those who harm unjustifiably, 

In Luke 17, Jesus tells us that those who seek to harm His family, 
would be better off killing themselves. 

& when a brother sins against us, we should rebuke them. Talk to them.
Tell them that they hurt you and how, and what should have been done instead. 
only then, and if, you're brother acknowledges their behavior and seeks retribution & forgiveness, 
then you must forgive them. 

but the forgiveness is earned, not freely given. 
there is acknowledgement of the sin that was done against you, 
and it wasn't swept over or dismissed, 
it must be addressed. 
because wrongs against you aren't okay. 
& we have the Godly agency to protect ourselves & our families, 
from those who callously commit harm against others. 

so for women who are violated over and over, 
and children who are preyed upon, 
their violators are not entitled to forgiveness, 
& the saving of their lives, is not our concern. 
there is a God who acknowledges our pain, 
and who grieves with us as we heal, 
and respects our anger. 

and while that righteous anger is there, 
and that space for unforgiveness of evil, 
we still have a duty to also forgive those who righteously seek forgiveness. 
who put in the work to repent. to change their ways and offer countenance to those they've hurt. 
Jesus says although it is hard, it is your reasonable service to do so, 
an unprofitable act, 
because it is what has been done for you and i. 

this side of Christ, 
His righteous anger, 
His talk of death for those that are evil, 
the conditions of forgiveness, 
I had not seen before, 
and I am so thankful for it. 

Standing Apart

When I was young I used to write about romance. Infatuations destined to fail that weren’t deserving of my attention or my efforts. But yet they remained the subject of my heart. 

Now I choose to write in a much more abstract way. Digging down to the root of the moment the desires that push us, the conflicts that keep us apart and why they are so. The tendencies of human nature. 

I believe we may attract similar brokenness we ourselves feel when choosing our companions, friends and lovers. And although it is easy to recognize and criticize in others, do we consider that maybe their brokenness is a reflection of ourselves?

If that’s the case, then our pride in what we see as righteousness is false and needs to be dismissed. The superiority we gain only exists to deceive and separate us from our community. How then do we address the obvious ungodliness that exists amongst us and in us?

Of course just recently, I wrote a note on a bible verse I highlighted during bible study. 

“And if anyone does not obey our word in this epistle, note that person and do not keep company with him, that he may be ashamed. Yet do not count him as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother.” II Thessalonians 3:14-15

A guide to how we should approach others in our community. Always making the value of community a priority. 💕

Then I also realized, that Christ never denied who He was. Although humility was always His character, He stood firm in His identity, being that He was the Son of the Almighty, to whom all of earth and heaven was given. Though He came to serve, He was the key to our existence, our prosperity, our wisdom.

Therefore, we can recognize our imperfections without denying our identity. We can acknowledge someone else's brokenness, and understand that it is a reflection of our own, while also understanding that it does not define or bind us.

That is the difference between them and we. For they may choose to deny their weaknesses, seeing no need for prayer and change. And we, we work diligently to see Christ as our reflection. To not let insecurity drive us to spite and fear drive us to deceit. In that truth we have strength and can continue to hold our head high. And although the world may regard us as weak, it is only for a moment.

power in community

my mind has a tendency to take things too far. 

i make a mistake, 

…because people make mistakes, 

and suddenly, 

i’m not deserving of life. 

suddenly all of my short comings

come racing to the front of my mind, 

trying to ‘remind’ me 

that i’m a disappointment, 

a waste of talent, 

disillusioned by my own conceit. 

but wait, 

there’s a kicker, 

because while i’m falling further and further

into despair by deceit, 

the power of God has to be tucked somewhere, 

somewhere away and deep, 

so that it doesn’t save me 

from this fake misery, 

slowly turning real. 

because in order for my mind to be completely taken, 

and in order to make myself into my own worse enemy, 

you have to attack the faith

i’ve so diligently built up until now. 

so what happens to it?

how does it become null and void?

well, in the process of blaming myself, 

for everything bad in life, 

i begin to feel undeserving. 

(as if, all that Grace and Mercy and Love God gives me, 

He some how does because I deserve it. LOL….)

& even though i’ve never deserved it, 

this hollow space i’m currently in, 

full of blame and bitchassness, 

has me feeling that God has abandoned me, 

due to my lack of efficiency and wasted value. 

what. a. place. to. be. in….

and then it only gets worse, 

and continues on and on, 

making everything miserable, 

isolating me from my community, 

because my affection has turned into annoyance

and I am slowly projecting the things that i feel, 

negativity, cynicism and selfishness. 

but today, something different happened. 

today i decided to talk about my mistake 

as soon as i made it, 

i begin to talk out how it made me feel, 

and the repercussions i knew to expect, 

from feeling so insufficient, 

and i kept talking, 

and literally, 

talked myself out of it. 

it’s as if all the bullshxt could not happen, 

because i had already deemed it, 

null and void. 

i’ve had experiences with this before, 

but at this time and this moment, 

it was a sign of something, 

God consistently reminds me of, 

that community. is. everything!

this is big for me because at times, 

i resent community. 

i resent not all being on the same page, 

i resent natural human interactions; 

insecurity, jealousy, pettiness, inauthenticity 

i can love you from a distance, 

but having to work closely, 

where your feelings affect progress, 

or my feelings affect my politeness, 

it’s. a. big. no. for. me. dog. 

but this is my challenge. 

this is my area of uncomfortable

that i must step up too and face head on. 

because community is everything. 

and for every compromised moment, 

a member of your community ushers in, 

they usually have many that illustrate

joy, selflessness, empathy, support, etc. 

you have to take the good with the bad, 

because the bad helps cultivate the good. 

we can use our reaction to negativity 

to fertilize the good we’re trying to grow. 

but we are the activators that must turn 

bad to good. 

& if we think, 

or i think, 

that i am above 

having to communicate with and support

unperfect people, 

i will never come into the fullness of my potential, 

i will never see the most magical parts of me, 

that God intended to grow in me. 

I would stay stuck full of resentment, 

fighting against the one thing

that I need to grow, 

grow wisdom, patience and effectiveness. 

having that small chit chat helped give me

hours and days of my life back. 

that conversation with a member of my community, 

who also from time to time, 

severely gets on my nerves, 

saved me from wasted moments of depression. 

i could never deny that power of solidarity, friendship and community. 

i’m praying that i never try to again.