a trip to hell

 a few things.

knowing that God created you on purpose is a powerful revelation.  

i’ve been a little irresponsible. i’ve encountered many beautiful and healing truths that i’ve forgotten to write down. an injustice really.

but in an effort of amends, i come here with the intent of laying my current truth out with words.

that i’ve been away to a dark place. alone slowly sinking further into an abyss. fear filled me, fogging my vision like a haze of hate. i was present in body only. my mind had been lost and my soul was burning. 

the lies felt like the only truth i could trust. 

in those moments you need someone who won’t give up on you. even though the terror has you pushing them away. but God needs to remind you, a way to get you to remember, just for a second, an undeniable truth that is written on your heart. 

for me, that was that i was created on purpose. with intention. out of love. meant for joy. no matter what is happening now. all the mistakes i’ve made, the binds i’m currently in, my creation cannot be disputed and neither can the Creator. the Creator made me, & He is righteous, perfect and loves me perfectly. 

at once i realized the lie beneath my eyes. because no way could i be abandoned, left for dead, useless and invaluable. God called me a masterpiece, created me in His holy image. lol. my being is the embodiment of love, righteousness, glory. i’m the bees knees, 1 of 1, created on purpose, with intention, ain’t nun like me. :)

and God used this imperfect being and made him perfect for me. and sometimes that bothers me. because sometimes it doesn’t look how i think it should look. and then the question becomes what is the source of my vision. is it the world or is it Christ. and then layers of false truths, misconceptions and assumptions come unraveling.

i don’t know if the public will understand this one. i may be a little too in my head, driven by my heart. but it’s honesty and it’s necessary. 

you were created in the image of God and no matter how far we go off course or distance ourselves from that truth we can always decide we want it to be true again and God will honor us, honor His truth, His original love for you when He made us, when Christ died for us. the greatest fucking sacrifice! for you. for us. 

 _________ some new affirmations in rotation____________

God is my father. 

Christ is the Son of God and my brother.

Christ saved me from destruction and from the evil of and in this world.

God has created me in His image, i am an image bearer of God my father, of Heaven, holiness, righteousness, power, peace, joy, wisdom, beauty and all good things.

i have been given power over all the powers and principalities of this world through Christ the Son, the Holy Spirit within me and God my Father. 

the Father will never forsake me, Christ is never far from me and the Holy Spirit is always in me guiding me.

i rebuke all devils, demons and any evil thing, lie & perversion from me, my family, our communities, our dwellings & possessions and anything that concerns us, & i send them to where Jesus sends them and i bind them & command them to stay there. 

in Jesus name, amen 🙏🏾 

Standing Apart

When I was young I used to write about romance. Infatuations destined to fail that weren’t deserving of my attention or my efforts. But yet they remained the subject of my heart. 

Now I choose to write in a much more abstract way. Digging down to the root of the moment the desires that push us, the conflicts that keep us apart and why they are so. The tendencies of human nature. 

I believe we may attract similar brokenness we ourselves feel when choosing our companions, friends and lovers. And although it is easy to recognize and criticize in others, do we consider that maybe their brokenness is a reflection of ourselves?

If that’s the case, then our pride in what we see as righteousness is false and needs to be dismissed. The superiority we gain only exists to deceive and separate us from our community. How then do we address the obvious ungodliness that exists amongst us and in us?

Of course just recently, I wrote a note on a bible verse I highlighted during bible study. 

“And if anyone does not obey our word in this epistle, note that person and do not keep company with him, that he may be ashamed. Yet do not count him as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother.” II Thessalonians 3:14-15

A guide to how we should approach others in our community. Always making the value of community a priority. 💕

Then I also realized, that Christ never denied who He was. Although humility was always His character, He stood firm in His identity, being that He was the Son of the Almighty, to whom all of earth and heaven was given. Though He came to serve, He was the key to our existence, our prosperity, our wisdom.

Therefore, we can recognize our imperfections without denying our identity. We can acknowledge someone else's brokenness, and understand that it is a reflection of our own, while also understanding that it does not define or bind us.

That is the difference between them and we. For they may choose to deny their weaknesses, seeing no need for prayer and change. And we, we work diligently to see Christ as our reflection. To not let insecurity drive us to spite and fear drive us to deceit. In that truth we have strength and can continue to hold our head high. And although the world may regard us as weak, it is only for a moment.

Numbering Our Days

It could happen to anyone,
and it could happen at any time.

i read a few interpretations about my chosen bible verse today,

“So teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom” Psalm 90:12

...and one i actually really enjoyed.
i felt it was spot on in identifying what i felt.

it is here at, unlocking the bible.

but then later as i was going about my day,
thinking of a combination of things,
i realized also, what God had wanted us to see from 'numbering our days'. 

because a beautiful reality about God's word, 

is that its verses are so full for interpretation. 

meanings found in different contexts, using different minds, 

seeing what someone else cannot.

so i realized that, your days are gifts,
that are not promised.
the privileges we carry of walking,
talking, seeing, thinking, feeling, breathing etc...
are privileges that could be taken away from us at any moment.

acknowledging this shouldn't increase our fear,
but rather a gratitude,
that fills our hearts,
and fuels her hope.

numbering your days,
centers around being grateful.
being grateful for what you have,
the lessons you've learned,
and living in hope,
for what is to come.

but i think in living,
we always look forward to the good,
and wish and hope for the good,
without preparing and acknowledging the bad.
understanding that the bad is inevitable,
and looking to the bad, knowing that it will produce good.

with that wisdom reference in our mental frame,
can anything really bring us down?
can hopelessness really rob us of our days?
it cannot.

how it's working

y'all should just get used to this.
this is how it's going to be for now.
i'm committed to so many things,
& some may see that as this awful thing,
but for me, i'm pretty sure that's just life. :)
& that's okay,
but things will have to rotate priority.

i didn't create this space for the desire to promote myself,
i created it out of need.
when things get so worked up,
worked up, worked up, worked up,
& then boom.
something inevitable happens. :)
& this space helps me rationalize,
it helps restore my perspective.
that is why i have this,
or pretty much anything.
it naturally serves some purpose that helps keep me going.
& that's awesome.

but it's not scheduled.
it happens when it happens.
when there's this overflow,
or a need for discipline in myself,
or etc...

so just know when you're getting it,
you're getting something real.
& that's awesome.
God works out the rest.
for now, that's how this is working.

methods

in the meantime, this will always be true, <3

become attach to everything you do. 

imagine that every action defines you. 

then learn Gods take on those things. 

so you can learn the repercussions that'll stand before you. 

I'm lacking clarity. 

i know what i think i want, but my wisdom isn't what's best for me 

I'm tryna dig ditches. create investments. within every action. 

so that ill always reap more than what i sow 

only God's direction can do that for you.

isn't it crazy though, that your outside drowns out your inside voice.

confusion precedes destruction.

I'm scared of that.

where is your will, what're you fighting for?

is it what you were created for,

or are the limits of the world placed upon your potential?

the L is for lacking.

go after the wrong thing, & there'll always be something missing.

intentions matter, true motives.

our hearts hold our lives, our deepest desires.

& you can lie to yourself, but you can't lie to your heart.

nothing's barely ever what it seems.

so hold your words. & speak only inevitable truths.

because you always know less than what you think.

& the room to grow keeps getting bigger.

fill it, instead of evacuating.

cause your ignorance will force you out.

impossible not to trust God, because only through his eyes are the truth.

don't intimidate, be intimate.

intimidation.
the monster

so sticky.
so revealing.
destructive.
can tear down your character.

why.
why does it happen.
why does it affect us.

fuels insecurity
and withdrawal.
motivates us to front.
dissolves our clarity.

makes us want for the wrong things,
as we get lost in the sauce,
leaving our foundation behind,
for the sake of an illusion.

this is realistic.
this demon is alive,
and flourishing.
it doesn't discriminate
it's only preference is for the weak.
which come from every district, every neighborhood.
rich weak, poor weak. smart weak, stupid week.

it kills me.
being vulnerable.
forgetting what is encouraging about being me.
past, present & future.
because of something. not real.
culture & its expectations. its standards.
illusions.

forgetting why my dreams are mine.
& the preferences i've cultivated.
& watching them get smaller,
while others people's thoughts plague my mine.
& then i question. then i doubt. then i conclude...
that i'm not good enough.
so sick.

especially, because none of it's real.
this thing that we give space to in our mind,
that creates these thoughts.
it takes you out of reality, & puts you in this fantasy.
and tells you why you dont fit in,
& these things you need to compromise in order to feel worthy
in an unreal world. -___-

BUT, ... pt. 2 :)

pt. 2. :)

so remember.
all the good things about you.
that arent good because someone else tells you there good.
but because it comes from the truest parts of you.

the good that is cultivated from experiences, 
from lessons learned. 
the good that is a product of endurance.
the good in you that never waivers, 
never gets lost, never becomes compromised.

because even in this fantasy world,
entitled reality,
where they tell you youre not good enough.
that good in you still exist. 

right it on a post it note,
make it your screen saver,
tattoo it onto the inside of your hand,
tell it to yourself every day.
the good in you that has developed.
the good in you that directs your dreams,
& motivates you to keep enduring,
to be the best good that was meant for you to be.

always believe the BEST things.
what do you have to lose...
it's free. :)
& disappointments are only temporary,
existing only to build your character,
to enhance what already exist.
so don't let them discourage.

lol, intentionally this wasnt meant to be a motivational speech.
just an issue i was able to identify and defeat within my own life.
i live in los angeles, o_0. enough said.
& this isnt about me being weak or wack. far from it.
but about being real.
confronting a situation that i refuse to let become all too familiar.
because if your going to rise above your circumstances,
and create the circumstances that you desire,
this process, this growth. this is inevitable.

new expectations.

that stuff that use to work before, doesnt work the same now.
& that stuff i use to get away with, i wont get away with now.

when you know more, your required to act like it.
putting your flesh in check with your spirit.

sometimes this can take years to do.
i'm tryna be cold turkey.

battle of thoughts: higher help.

what does it mean when you don't mind your mistake.
at times, you like it a little too much.

notorious for learning the hard way.
if you can identify it as a mistake,
but it doesn't feel quite like one yet,
keep doin it....
& it will.

my vices have strong holds.
& they don't want to let go.
so they pose as acceptable decisions,
or indifferent actions.
so i let them out to play,
& then they attempt to eat me alive.
with their condemning suggestions.

& i realize i know better,
lock them away,
& then....
they use selective memory.
you remember the good...the bad,
gets lost in the sauce.
& you try again.
only to be reminded of the inevitable outcome.

aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh! o_0
that's how i feel.
fighting a battle i don't want.

a battle of thoughts are the hardest.
convincing yourself you don't want,
what yourself is telling you you do.

to have the will,
to deny yourself,
what yourself wants.

it takes higher help.
i need higher help.
because i have too much to lose,
to have to learn the hard way.

master plan

we have this notion of randomness. this idea that things just happen. 
this nonchalant attitude, that the little things, sometimes even the bigger ones, 
don't matter. 
& while this 'it is what it is' attitude may work for us...
help us survive the day to day... maintain focus. 
sometimes we're short-changing ourselves. 
missing out on a message, or even just a tiny truth, 
that could possibly manifest into a bigger one. 
i mean, why not take advantage of all the information around you, 
maybe it exist to help your day to day survival. 
your prosperity. 

you boo, 
are of divine design. 
a million reasons exist as to why you are the way you are, 
to think anything less, would be insulting to God. 

[OR, the way you could be. 
...i say that, because most us refuse to live up to our potential. 
myself included. 
we let doubt & insecurities limit the expectation we place on ourself. 
because the world tells you to be realistic.
pace yourself yes, but by no means limit what you feel your capable of]

i know you feel the burning desire to accomplish, :)
you have these dreams that you could be bigger than the success that pre-dates you. 
there's a reason. 

your preferences, 
your thoughts
your opinions & concerns,
even your questions,
are all apart of a master plan.

there is something that you can do,
that God needs you for, that no one else can give.
regardless of the doubts you have developed,
& placed upon yourself...
cause boo. God doesn't doubt. :)

he didn't doubt an ounce we he thought you into creation,
& thought you worthy of making regardless of our consistent eff-ups.
shouldn't we start acting like it, :)

sometimes i get this feeling. to slow down. not to get too much done, to make sure you have something to do tomorrow. or in the days to come. whichever.
but isnt that crazy. it's a total oxy-moron. complete redundant way of thinking. yet, my mind will comprehend it as practical. acceptable obviously. o_O

this ish gots to go. im kicking that concept out the door. to the birds. kick rocks. there is never too much to know. too much to get done.
( now i do believe in a such thing as obsessed.
but that's not where i am right now. this is personal, not general. completely tailored to describe what im going through. don't feel crazy if you cant relate )

there's always a reason your in the moment your in. whether that reason or that moment is good or bad, there is one. so by making a habit of always doing the right thing. the God thing. the thing your spirit leads you to, your reasons are always divine, therefor so is your moment.
i always want divine moments.

because really, it's just a constant mind battle.

moments where your always fulfilled. full of joy. moments where you completely trust in your maker; knowing what he has done for you, and all that he plans to. complete regard of the love always there for you. the complete love. the love that considers your hopes and your dreams. your emotions and your family. your wants & your needs.
it gets you remembering; this moment is a divine one.

& you can go through boring jobs, because your working on something better, & God can always use this in the mean time. so really, i'm never missing out. nothing can prevent God. & that something better, it's not simply a desire, but a conquered goal. because that complete love always there for you, includes the victory. :)

you ma'am have already won.
act like it.
amen. :)

morning babble. at work. :)

let go of the world.
let go of the co-signs.

you havent really let go of the world.
if you still acknowledge their co-signs.

subconciously what your saying,
is that, you dont give a fuck,
because even by their standards,
your killin.
acknowledgement is respect.
do not respect the world.

so how do we completely let go of a world,
that raised us.
that still surrounds us?

but even asking this,
is an insult to the Most High.
who exist that poseses a threat to your guardian?
there is none.
what situation exist that God cannot interupt?
there is none.

God made you.
he is your creator.
with maker's knowledge. he knows you,
better then you know yourself.

God wants you closer to him
then to anything else.
this is the will of God.
will he then, not make a way of escape,
from the world that corrupted you from birth.

the answers are there.
your victory is only waiting,
do not fight battles you have already won,
re-affirm their defeat.

lost at where the journey begins?
unsure of your position?

ask God,
ask him whatever
& believe he will answer you,
because he said he will.
God is not a liar.
He wants you to hold him to his word
the original idea of integrity.

and then wait,
for God loves time.
Invest in yourself through
indulgement in the divine. :)