a trip to hell

 a few things.

knowing that God created you on purpose is a powerful revelation.  

i’ve been a little irresponsible. i’ve encountered many beautiful and healing truths that i’ve forgotten to write down. an injustice really.

but in an effort of amends, i come here with the intent of laying my current truth out with words.

that i’ve been away to a dark place. alone slowly sinking further into an abyss. fear filled me, fogging my vision like a haze of hate. i was present in body only. my mind had been lost and my soul was burning. 

the lies felt like the only truth i could trust. 

in those moments you need someone who won’t give up on you. even though the terror has you pushing them away. but God needs to remind you, a way to get you to remember, just for a second, an undeniable truth that is written on your heart. 

for me, that was that i was created on purpose. with intention. out of love. meant for joy. no matter what is happening now. all the mistakes i’ve made, the binds i’m currently in, my creation cannot be disputed and neither can the Creator. the Creator made me, & He is righteous, perfect and loves me perfectly. 

at once i realized the lie beneath my eyes. because no way could i be abandoned, left for dead, useless and invaluable. God called me a masterpiece, created me in His holy image. lol. my being is the embodiment of love, righteousness, glory. i’m the bees knees, 1 of 1, created on purpose, with intention, ain’t nun like me. :)

and God used this imperfect being and made him perfect for me. and sometimes that bothers me. because sometimes it doesn’t look how i think it should look. and then the question becomes what is the source of my vision. is it the world or is it Christ. and then layers of false truths, misconceptions and assumptions come unraveling.

i don’t know if the public will understand this one. i may be a little too in my head, driven by my heart. but it’s honesty and it’s necessary. 

you were created in the image of God and no matter how far we go off course or distance ourselves from that truth we can always decide we want it to be true again and God will honor us, honor His truth, His original love for you when He made us, when Christ died for us. the greatest fucking sacrifice! for you. for us. 

 _________ some new affirmations in rotation____________

God is my father. 

Christ is the Son of God and my brother.

Christ saved me from destruction and from the evil of and in this world.

God has created me in His image, i am an image bearer of God my father, of Heaven, holiness, righteousness, power, peace, joy, wisdom, beauty and all good things.

i have been given power over all the powers and principalities of this world through Christ the Son, the Holy Spirit within me and God my Father. 

the Father will never forsake me, Christ is never far from me and the Holy Spirit is always in me guiding me.

i rebuke all devils, demons and any evil thing, lie & perversion from me, my family, our communities, our dwellings & possessions and anything that concerns us, & i send them to where Jesus sends them and i bind them & command them to stay there. 

in Jesus name, amen 🙏🏾 

devestatingly honest

sometimes. 

i don’t know how to be happy.

i am filled with disappointment,

filled with fear.

good cannot live here. 

thoughts defeat me,

and my character is destroyed.

blinded in a darkness,

that chokes my breath. 

i am filled with distress.

and all this loss.

comes out in tears.

i get scared, 

because in these moments,

i don’t want to live.

& i hate myself,

for not being able to maneuver,

in this world,

with other people,

who are not my enemy.

i can admit that.

the problem is not them,

it is me.

i can’t hold onto the victory long enough,

and i let everything go,

my hope and my goals. 

after that, nothing is what’s left.

power in community

my mind has a tendency to take things too far. 

i make a mistake, 

…because people make mistakes, 

and suddenly, 

i’m not deserving of life. 

suddenly all of my short comings

come racing to the front of my mind, 

trying to ‘remind’ me 

that i’m a disappointment, 

a waste of talent, 

disillusioned by my own conceit. 

but wait, 

there’s a kicker, 

because while i’m falling further and further

into despair by deceit, 

the power of God has to be tucked somewhere, 

somewhere away and deep, 

so that it doesn’t save me 

from this fake misery, 

slowly turning real. 

because in order for my mind to be completely taken, 

and in order to make myself into my own worse enemy, 

you have to attack the faith

i’ve so diligently built up until now. 

so what happens to it?

how does it become null and void?

well, in the process of blaming myself, 

for everything bad in life, 

i begin to feel undeserving. 

(as if, all that Grace and Mercy and Love God gives me, 

He some how does because I deserve it. LOL….)

& even though i’ve never deserved it, 

this hollow space i’m currently in, 

full of blame and bitchassness, 

has me feeling that God has abandoned me, 

due to my lack of efficiency and wasted value. 

what. a. place. to. be. in….

and then it only gets worse, 

and continues on and on, 

making everything miserable, 

isolating me from my community, 

because my affection has turned into annoyance

and I am slowly projecting the things that i feel, 

negativity, cynicism and selfishness. 

but today, something different happened. 

today i decided to talk about my mistake 

as soon as i made it, 

i begin to talk out how it made me feel, 

and the repercussions i knew to expect, 

from feeling so insufficient, 

and i kept talking, 

and literally, 

talked myself out of it. 

it’s as if all the bullshxt could not happen, 

because i had already deemed it, 

null and void. 

i’ve had experiences with this before, 

but at this time and this moment, 

it was a sign of something, 

God consistently reminds me of, 

that community. is. everything!

this is big for me because at times, 

i resent community. 

i resent not all being on the same page, 

i resent natural human interactions; 

insecurity, jealousy, pettiness, inauthenticity 

i can love you from a distance, 

but having to work closely, 

where your feelings affect progress, 

or my feelings affect my politeness, 

it’s. a. big. no. for. me. dog. 

but this is my challenge. 

this is my area of uncomfortable

that i must step up too and face head on. 

because community is everything. 

and for every compromised moment, 

a member of your community ushers in, 

they usually have many that illustrate

joy, selflessness, empathy, support, etc. 

you have to take the good with the bad, 

because the bad helps cultivate the good. 

we can use our reaction to negativity 

to fertilize the good we’re trying to grow. 

but we are the activators that must turn 

bad to good. 

& if we think, 

or i think, 

that i am above 

having to communicate with and support

unperfect people, 

i will never come into the fullness of my potential, 

i will never see the most magical parts of me, 

that God intended to grow in me. 

I would stay stuck full of resentment, 

fighting against the one thing

that I need to grow, 

grow wisdom, patience and effectiveness. 

having that small chit chat helped give me

hours and days of my life back. 

that conversation with a member of my community, 

who also from time to time, 

severely gets on my nerves, 

saved me from wasted moments of depression. 

i could never deny that power of solidarity, friendship and community. 

i’m praying that i never try to again. 

...from damaged to diamond

#heyfranhey's vlog on mental wellness here, as well as twenties unscripted, The Battle for Revival, here
inspired this post....
a lot of talk lately on mental health ...
dark moments we experience inspired my desire to share.

mental stability is something i’ve strived for nearly all of my life,
constantly. the value and worth i feel for myself goes up and down severely like a see-saw,
& is constantly shifted by the smallest thoughts.
sometimes thoughts regarding something only speculated,
something that has no basis or no real substance even.
my mind has been geared towards a negative reflection of myself for so long, so strongly,
that it is a constant battle to keep steady. 

this reality existed for me long before the social media aspect of the internet became a fundamental staple in our lives. with its introduction came a tsunami of opportunities for some thought to come into my head that completely broke down my self worth to crumbles of dirt & had me wanting to hide in a dark hole alone, forever. 

there are so many reasons i’ve developed these soft spots.
i have experienced loads of verbal, mental & emotional abuse for a period as an adolescent,
in my home, school, work … at a time when other kids are developing their value and worth,
mine was constantly being compromised.
at certain points i felt i had little to no reasons to feel any value at all.
but those little reasons, are what kept me going, kept me trying, believing it was worth it.
those reasons, reasons I feel God gave me on purpose;
a God-mother who always attended to me,
a neighbor family who always valued my presence,
hiphop!! via kurupt & mobb deep,
...all so significant in the reasons why i am where i am now…. in a place i can even write this. 

i begin to realize the negative feelings I would have towards myself were wrong.
although it felt so right to believe i would never accomplish anything,
or that i could never be loved by someone other than family,
& it took everything in me to oppose that, i would anyway.
maybe not right away. maybe it took a break down,
maybe it took solitude for a few days, but eventually … i wasn’t having it. 

through experience and relationships i realized these mental thoughts
were meant as attacks on the beliefs i had of my value.
i knew that things that I had experienced as a pre-teen/teenager made me vulnerable in
social situations or how i saw myself in relation to the rest of the world.
i knew there were dark memories i never wanted to confront,
& that they were the source of why i felt the way i did.
...but since when does my past dictate my future?
God says it doesn’t have to, therefore I knew it didn’t. 

so that brings me to the direction of my journey. the outline you can say,
the fundamentals that have aided me in this road to salvation,
because i knew i wanted to save myself.
i knew that God would have never made something that wasn’t worth saving.
& it was how God saw me & how that resonated with me, that saved me.
that i was thought into existence before the foundations of the earth,
& that my creator knows the number of hairs on my head.
God has given meaning to everything in my life,
even my tragedies have been used to mold me into a resilient human being with a huge imagination
& a compassionate heart. how could i not even be thankful for that?!
not thankful for the pain then, at that moment, but that it wasn’t for nothing.
God turned my losses into wins...

my journey is specific. i’ve never felt like i ever fit into categories,
which is a source for the reason, i tend to keep to myself.
i’m a Jesus-freak who has a deep & real passion for hiphop!
i hold some traditional standards of a womans role in society,
but also know that I am more than a wife or even a mother.
I celebrate the naturalness of a women, but I adore makeup.
I constantly desire information to feed my intellect, but I also love to feed my imagination.
I am a black woman, but also know God & His creation are bigger than color
& believe your destiny could never be buried due to your race or economic status. 

(Although i don’t deny my differences, i never celebrated them either.
i am still in this process of being comfortable with myself.)

Part of Frans video hit home when she talks about being alone.
I desired more than anything to feel adequate just by myself. Me, alone, i am worthy!
so that regardless of what happens, or what can be said, or who goes & who stays,
I am still just as worthy today, as I was yesterday.
That has always been my goal, because I realized, through this journey,
that you can have expectations for people or relationships,
but that does not constitute who they will choose to be or how they choose to act.
therefore, it would be completely illogical for me to place my value or worth in the hands of others.
their presence, their opinions, their approval …. nope, suck it. 

i am getting there. more and more.
when i feel worthy, i have the desire to execute my thoughts or ideas,
to create and take risks. & over time those risks with faith have produced great rewards.
I know now that me, myself, is enough! :)
I create my own standard for myself, and always attempt to live up to that,
regardless of anyone else’s behavior.
therefore, if my character, actions, or thoughts & beliefs were never based an ounce on you,
why would your opinion of them matter at all?! :)
… i am getting to a place where it rarely does. & if it does, not for long.
this journey i believe, is never ending.
i aim to have bad moments, weak moments,
happen as infrequently as possible...
but i know as long as i am alive on this earth,
they will occur.
but now, i am better prepared & equipped to stand steadfast,
regardless...

i talk to myself, to God ... a lot!
i talk through my feelings & perspectives constantly.
when fran mentioned not addressing our real feelings for too long,
it resonated with me.
because sometimes i get so distracted with the world,
that i forget to conversate with myself...
i need this time to work through my thoughts,
determine them and my feelings, something like an update.
as things happen, our minds and perspectives need constant updates, renewals, retouches, etc...

more and more, day by day, literally, i get the opportunity to show out.
to believe, even if that means going against all this negative energy that seemed to meet me that day,
that this too shall past, & before it, through it and after it,
i was, am, & will continue to be awesome & more than enough. :)

inadequacy.

so yesterday,
i had this mini mental breakdown.
& while its power is diminishing,
little remnants are still present.

i adore my job,
i adore even more,
being able to do my job well.
when my expectations aren't met,
it's no one else's fault but my own.
because if i was as good as i should be,
then i would always be up.
& although logically, i can assess, that that's not true,
in my mind when it happens,
even now,
it doesn't matter.

so naturally,
as one thing begins to lead to another,
i start to feel incredibly inadequate,
in all things.
especially when it involves being loved by another person,
specifically relationships.

when the person i adore,
is a person i admire,
because of his drive,
his accomplishments,
someone i see as capable,
of possessing everything he desires,
where possibly could my inadequacy fit into that?!
it doesn't.
how could someone like that,
want someone as inadequate as me?!

that. is the icing on the cake.
after that, i completely separate myself,
because my stability is shot,
and my worth has completely diminished…at least in my mind.

buut, wait for it, that silver lining.

(…now this instance is a bit specific,
more specific than usual for this blog,
but things like this happen to me constantly.
God using the universe to remind me,
of who i am, and how He works,
& that there is no higher power than Him.)

i've been following this women #KateNorthrup for a few weeks now, and she is a specialist in money management.
today, i decided to watch her FinancialFreedomFriday video on Net Worth & Friends.
focuses on the damage of comparing your lives to others,
& instead, how you can use someone else's success, as a positive for your own life. smfh.
perfect timing.
it's surreal, how these things fall into my lap. but i am forever grateful,
for these moments, that reassure my hope is not in vain,
& that my self worth is not equivalent to my net worth.
even though high net worth is in my financial future !! :)

sh%t happens

i should be careful of what i say,
writing down thoughts,
makes them permanent memories.

but i'm feeling bold,
& honestly i think this is good.
thoughts i'm uncomfortable with,
but pushing through them.

frame of reference.
i get used to an atmosphere,
specific circumstances....
& then things change,
for the better.
& i maneuver, gladly.
& get accustomed.

then, things change again.
for the worse.
where the f#*k has my frame of reference gone?
can't even seem to remember, what encouraged you to make it.
can't feel that which made you believe you could.
so now, you feel foolish, that you ever thought you could...
that you even came this far....

but then you realize,
that even if you don't know how, you did.
you have made it this far,
even under those circumstances that seem so foreign to you now.

so really,
i'm like f%*k those thoughts that tell me i'm being silly,
for believing in a dream,
counting on it even...
because i'm here now,
& that in itself is a thousand miracles.
& while circumstances change,
sometimes for what seems like the worse,
God's working. Jesus is for me! :)
i can literally... never lose!