love's risk

i want to step back, 

look at me, my actions, my thoughts, 

all objectively. 

i think i'm acting inappropriately, 

i think i'm assuming and jumping to conclusions. 

two reasons. 

one due to my own guilt. 

second, because the devil doesn't want me to have this. 

he's making it easy for me, 

to settle in selfishness and near sightedness, 

making it hard to act from appreciation, 

instead acting from suspicion and coldness. 

sometimes i lose my frame of reference, for the worst. 

and i consider and evaluate circumstances that aren't real, 

or haven't happened. 

giving time analyzing thoughts that have should have no real basis. 

it's disturbing. wasting life, while simultaneously ruining it. 

you can fall deeper into despairing thoughts, 

give in to them all, 

the ones about our love, 

ourselves, 

our worth. 

i don't want that cancer to live between us. 

i don't want to self-destruct, 

and kill off all the relationships around me. 

i don't want to be scared to love the hardest. 

i don't want to fear having to forgive.

i want to value you as a whole, 

not pick you apart. 

easier said than done. 

but here's the risk, 

because i'm going to try God here, 

all the time. 

i'm going to be a beacon of love, 

i'm going to let God use me, 

& i'm going to trust Him, not you, 

to always keep me safe, 

to always keep us safe. 

Letting God Lead : In-Relationships

being okay with it not going your way.

first and foremost, i’m blessed. 

my life is blessed. 

& sometimes i get selfish & high-strung, 

as if i, solely, am responsible for how blessed my life is. 

& sometimes i begin to think, 

whole-heartedly, 

regarding all things, 

that i know what’s best for me & my life. 

aaahhahhahahaha. 

that’s a joke if i ever heard one.

now look, 

Jesus has turned me into an optimist. 

even when i come across challenges & tragedies, 

i know that God has & will turn it into something amazing. 

my character after experience in living this life, 

is testimony to that fact. 

…this is the basis of why i refer to my life as blessed.

back to me thinking i know how my life should be….

scenario. 

let’s say God gave me a good thing, 

& with God, through God, I cultivate that good thing, 

as God intended, 

into a great thing. great for the thing, great for me, & great for God. 

but then. 

i start feeling’ myself. like aww, shxt, i’m the shxt. 

& while that is true, 

it wasn’t on my terms. 

it wasn’t something i thought, planned, & brought to my doorstep. 

I let God lead me there, 

I prayed to God for the strength, for the creativity, the patience. 

so when exactly, did this become my plan, extracting God?

sike.

i say that to say, 

that even in relationships, 

relationships especially, 

as a girl, i can get carried away. 

start creating this perfect plan in my head, 

about how me and my partner will cultivate this amazing relationship. 

& then comes all these expectations, 

false ones, not based in real truth but fantasy, 

that i place on not only myself, but my partner. 

then it’s all downhill from there. 

i didn’t even create my own life, i let God do that, 

so what makes me think i can create a perfect one that includes another imperfect human being? 

that’s unrealistic.

so i’ve cancelled my expectations, 

not my standards. God gave us those to protect us. 

but expectations for a perfect relationship & those involved, yes. 

i’ve never even been in a perfect relationship, 

how would i even know what that looks like?

but i do trust God. 

so much so, 

that i know He will cultivate a relationship, 

that is perfect for me. 

& only He knows the inside of another’s heart, 

their motivations, their secret desires, 

He knows info, i could never. 

so He will be my filter.

because look, these nxgguhs, …and me, is crazy.