something radical

i wanted to come here before my computer falls asleep to start this. 
at least. because it is so important to me. 
and the habit of forgetting that, is getting old. 

how many times will i forget, 
that i am made up of words. 
God's words. towards me. for me. 

they tried to update blogger while i was away. 
nice try, but try harder. 
anyway, grateful for this medium regardless. 
simple. straight to the point. 

i made a voice note recently, 
about a moment that happened while I was praying. 
a shift in perspective, in not only what I was praying for, 
but also in my approach to our Father. 

Ultimately it had to do with asking and believing for something, 
that may or may not work within the law that our Father has established for this time. 
Because I was praying for someone else and I don't know their relationship with the Father. 
and for some reason I felt that whatever that relationship was, would affect the answer to my prayer. 

But when Jesus healed one at the request of another, 
it was never the faith of the sick that was questioned. 
(in some instances, the sick were dead.)
Jesus healed on account of the one asking. 
the father, the sister, the brother. 

we should never let pre-judgements take up room in our prayers for other people. 
it is not Godly, it is not how Jesus moved. 
i know that my Father is a Healer and wills for us to be and live healed. 
everyone! & I know that regardless of the circumstances, the miracles of my Father
will be a testament to His love and faithfulness, 
bringing glory to the Kingdom. 

sometimes it's so hard to live in the truth of God, 
because it is so different from our worldly way. 
but when we sit on a verse, a truth of God, 
& focus on it, dwell on it, meditate on it, day and night, 
think of it in relation to everything else thought of,
because the truth of God is the highest truth, nothing else is truer, 
that Word becomes a part of you. 
it becomes apart of your dna and changes you. 
changes things around you. 

our Father brought me here to tell me this, 
because i myself am changing. 
and it is my legacy that motivates that change daily. 

living God's truth relentlessly, is radical. 
it takes true intent, patience and boldness. 
it is unlike anything else, 
but it is your born again right to live in that power. 
and you can do it, and you will do it. 
and you are doing it right now. 

in the name of Jesus in which i live and breath. amen. 

open eyes 👀

i recognized something today,
something that i've already known,
but have consistently pushed to the back of my mind.

i realize
the enemy has used the things i like,
to replace the things i love.

distractions are an essential tactic
of the enemy.
to keep you from purpose,
from peace,
from prosperity.

trials can arise un-welcomed feelings.
shame, defeat, inadequacy.
and those feelings confront me now.
i want to believe what God says,
which is so strong in my heart.

that trials reveal courage,
and produce strength.
they also open eyes and minds
to previously hidden truths,
about ourselves,
& about our God.

i'm so grateful for this moment,
to be writing these words,
fulfilling this purpose.

but i'm in the midst of uncertainty and chaos.
and feeling peace,
seems irresponsible.

i've been through enough,
and am too familiar with the negative confronting me,
to know that my Father would never forsake me.
that every low is only temporary,
and that God is always many steps ahead of me.

so in this, what i have seen,
is that the world's "peace"
brought upon by a false sense of security,
in the things we believe the world has given us,
is deceiving us.
and peace is not money or certainty in our own ability,
but in our Father,
and the truth that He is always with us,
always working for and in us,
regardless of what our circumstances look like.

i previously called 2020 the year of breakthrough,
for other reasons,
but i'm seeing more now.

so i choose to defy the enemy,
and be happy in his face.
be grateful,
and positively expectant.
i will not take the fear he is trying to hand me,
and i won't just look at my now,
but at all the wins God has handed me.

Numbering Our Days

It could happen to anyone,
and it could happen at any time.

i read a few interpretations about my chosen bible verse today,

“So teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom” Psalm 90:12

...and one i actually really enjoyed.
i felt it was spot on in identifying what i felt.

it is here at, unlocking the bible.

but then later as i was going about my day,
thinking of a combination of things,
i realized also, what God had wanted us to see from 'numbering our days'. 

because a beautiful reality about God's word, 

is that its verses are so full for interpretation. 

meanings found in different contexts, using different minds, 

seeing what someone else cannot.

so i realized that, your days are gifts,
that are not promised.
the privileges we carry of walking,
talking, seeing, thinking, feeling, breathing etc...
are privileges that could be taken away from us at any moment.

acknowledging this shouldn't increase our fear,
but rather a gratitude,
that fills our hearts,
and fuels her hope.

numbering your days,
centers around being grateful.
being grateful for what you have,
the lessons you've learned,
and living in hope,
for what is to come.

but i think in living,
we always look forward to the good,
and wish and hope for the good,
without preparing and acknowledging the bad.
understanding that the bad is inevitable,
and looking to the bad, knowing that it will produce good.

with that wisdom reference in our mental frame,
can anything really bring us down?
can hopelessness really rob us of our days?
it cannot.

even when it's dark.

i wrote the post that is to follow, in september,

but things can move so fast in life, 

& although one day you're feeling the victory, 

other days, not so much.

mad shxt got in the way between me writing this, 

& eventually posting it. 

even now, I'm not so sure. 

I mean, what it says is true, 

but am i currently feeling ideal about life...

lol, no. 

but that strengthens my desire to post this, even now.

because it be when I'm in the trenches, 

that I'm feeling the boldest. 

______________________________________

It's amazing what God can do. 

my last post, 

was a piece of transparency.

I chose to lay out the insides of me, 

in an effort to understand my own frustration, 

as well as be a resource for anyone,

who could remotely relate. 

I don't usually share my pain, 

as it happens in the now. 

too many distractions, 

too much opportunity being given, 

for something to be used against me.

usually, I'm too vulnerable in the midst of darkness. 

too close to fear to let anyone in. 

but i think I had just had enough. 

& I refused to be scared after all that I had accomplished.

even if the world was so set on breaking me, 

I could no longer be timid. 

I realized my value, my worth, my ability...

nobody could take that away from me. 

but the place I'm in now, 

compared to where I was, 

just a few months ago...

only God could do. 

I knew that God turned my losses into wins, 

I knew that everything that was taken from me, 

had to be returned. in excess. 

I knew that I was Gods, through Christ, 

and that His purpose is to raise me, 

take me high, 

bless me and use me. 

just a quick short list, 

to add physical details, 

to the manifestation of Gods glory in my life. 

I was promoted way up at work, 

along with a hefty raise, :)

steadily becoming an expert in my field. 

I'm in law school now, part time,

& I love it. 

my new apartment, is flourishing. 

& so are a lot of people around me. 

&&& that's just the short list. 

I'm constantly being challenged,

but when you know you can't lose, 

because the creator of the universe has already set you up to win, 

you embrace the opportunity to become better,

to grow, evolve, to give and to share. 

I am a product of Christ. 

my life is solely dedicated to Him,

& in Him, is everything good! 

still standing in darkness

i wrote this on paper first.
when i am fueled from the inside out,
but unsure of the purpose i'm looking to fulfill,
sometimes it is easier that way. (disclaimer)
______________________________________________

going to start writing this here (on paper),
rather than on the computer,
because my mind is entertaining
so many thoughts,
& i am unaware of how i truly feel.
a little shitty probably.

not because God has forsaken me,
but because this world, this society,
works so hard to diminish my value,
& that is shitty.

i've invested so much into a purpose,
& while it was not purpose-less,
as God uses all things for the good of me,
& His purpose for me,
the world will take you, eat you,
& produce nothing for you.
this world will steal your harvest.
the devil has stolen my harvest.

but,
with faith, through faith, in faith,
in the truth that Father God has established for me,
through Christ, my brother, my savior, my king,
the devil has set me up real good.
obligated to pay me,
all that he's stolen from me,
a gagillion times over.
abundantly.
overflowing.
more than enough.

this is the truth that i know.
this goes beyond my feelings,
this is my spirit.
my mind & body...will follow.

so in the time being,
how shall i proceed?

because my mind constantly requires that i check it,
to dismiss thoughts fueled by
fear, anger, bitterness & destruction.

my body has to be forced
out of complacency,
to continue to toil,
although no win, can be physically seen.

people still talk to me,
as if i want to talk.
they still desire my gracefulness,
a smile and respect.
they still desire to take from me.

how shall i proceed?

i'm no longer battling fear,
as to what will happen to me.
my battle is with patience,
to keep peace in a place fueled to keep burning me.

surroundings that will continue to see me,
as less than human,
less than the queen God has made me,
has declared me as.
i'm still expendable,
a punching bag,
a free resource unworthy of,
decency & respect.

how shall i proceed?

this is the true fight,
to keep my peace,
that Christ offers me.
no wonder it must be beyond my understanding.
because peace here,
in this space,
is worldly unfathomable.
worldly peace could not live here.

my joy has to come from the inside out,
produced by heaven,
& it will be the true fight,
to exert it to all.
even those who trespass against me.
because this is what Christ did for me,
although my trespasses against God were many.

there is power in this.
i am powerful.

this calmness Christ has blanketed me with,
is unbreakable.

I am unbreakable
even in the darkness,
all this darkness,
i am unbreakable!

Letting God Lead : In-Relationships

being okay with it not going your way.

first and foremost, i’m blessed. 

my life is blessed. 

& sometimes i get selfish & high-strung, 

as if i, solely, am responsible for how blessed my life is. 

& sometimes i begin to think, 

whole-heartedly, 

regarding all things, 

that i know what’s best for me & my life. 

aaahhahhahahaha. 

that’s a joke if i ever heard one.

now look, 

Jesus has turned me into an optimist. 

even when i come across challenges & tragedies, 

i know that God has & will turn it into something amazing. 

my character after experience in living this life, 

is testimony to that fact. 

…this is the basis of why i refer to my life as blessed.

back to me thinking i know how my life should be….

scenario. 

let’s say God gave me a good thing, 

& with God, through God, I cultivate that good thing, 

as God intended, 

into a great thing. great for the thing, great for me, & great for God. 

but then. 

i start feeling’ myself. like aww, shxt, i’m the shxt. 

& while that is true, 

it wasn’t on my terms. 

it wasn’t something i thought, planned, & brought to my doorstep. 

I let God lead me there, 

I prayed to God for the strength, for the creativity, the patience. 

so when exactly, did this become my plan, extracting God?

sike.

i say that to say, 

that even in relationships, 

relationships especially, 

as a girl, i can get carried away. 

start creating this perfect plan in my head, 

about how me and my partner will cultivate this amazing relationship. 

& then comes all these expectations, 

false ones, not based in real truth but fantasy, 

that i place on not only myself, but my partner. 

then it’s all downhill from there. 

i didn’t even create my own life, i let God do that, 

so what makes me think i can create a perfect one that includes another imperfect human being? 

that’s unrealistic.

so i’ve cancelled my expectations, 

not my standards. God gave us those to protect us. 

but expectations for a perfect relationship & those involved, yes. 

i’ve never even been in a perfect relationship, 

how would i even know what that looks like?

but i do trust God. 

so much so, 

that i know He will cultivate a relationship, 

that is perfect for me. 

& only He knows the inside of another’s heart, 

their motivations, their secret desires, 

He knows info, i could never. 

so He will be my filter.

because look, these nxgguhs, …and me, is crazy.

love like God

i felt compelled to write this,
because so many things are happening,
& constantly shifting,
but my core perspective and belief does not.
i'm rooted in this because it is always right.
& is not affected by the ever-changing society & world,
we are all apart of.
_______________________________________________________

My objective as a person is to be fruitful.
It is to receive God’s love and be so grateful that it pours from me onto and in someone else.
i believe all people were created by God, who is essentially, in this regard, our perfect parent.

i believe our world is full of discrepancies
& that truths concerning our existence & purpose
have been buried deep beneath theories & ideas
void of our Creator, Father God.

Regardless, it is still my purpose, my objective,
to receive love from above, & then
exert that to others in a way only i can.
a way specific to my spirit, my dna, my experiences, my imagination.
For this opportunity, i’m eternally and unconditionally grateful.

Therefore, regardless of what you identify with,
or how you identify yourself,
my love for you is eternal and unconditional.

This is not dependent on race, education, economic status,
gender, sexuality, religion or any other label
we have created to classify ourselves and others.

This is also not dependent on your actions.
You are loved by me, simply because you exist.
God thought you worth creating & existing,
& I will uphold that truth over any other,
knowing that you are a capable and valued human being
worthy of my respect and love.

exclaiming victory

sometimes i struggle,
attempting to be perfect & right from all angles.
in my own capacity though, that is impossible.

so the only analysis i can give,
is the result of what my eyes see,
what my heart feels,
what my mind comprehends.
therefor, i am the living proof,
i'm the truth that maters amongst my own words.

lol, that's my introduction to what i shall proceed to write after this quick explanation. for these words i was attempting to capture moments and feelings of redemption and victory for a long-standing battle i've been plagued with since i was a child. the moments being focused on is only one example of the many victories God has helped deliver to me. :)

it's one thing to know you've risen above
the circumstances of your past.
to have found and shed light on your worth & value,
after you've been fighting against the dark for so long.
but then it is another,
to live your, newly found & steadily growing, light & value,
directly in the face of darkness !!

...because the darkness will continue to exists,
whether you choose to live within it or not.
& even though you've overcome it,
it will revisit, attempting to break you again.
it will wait for its perfect time,
attacking where it thinks you're weak,
with no shame.
...at least, this is my experience with it.

but, i have no fear.
my faith rest in the creator of the universe,
& His Son who has proven to love me more,
than the world could ever.

so even in the face of darkness, &
all of darkness' allies,
all the people being used, to carry out its will,
against me & others,
i stand steadfast in my light, my value and worth,
unaffected, #unbothered! hey now...lol.

this victory is so powerful,
so uplifting,
comforting beyond understanding,
this is my experience.

as for my self-proclaimed enemies,
who have allowed themselves to be used,
spewing out darkness,
they get no reaction from me,
just this testimony exclaiming their defeat.

where i'm at | 04.05.15

so many things.
so many things happening inside of my little body;
...my expansive mind, my active spirit, God's Spirit,
all of those feelings & the emotions that follow.
sometimes it feels as if what's happening inside of me,
& the things happening to me,
are too big for me.
all of these battles being fought, at the same time,
...constantly having your attention & focus split,
attempting to keep yourself above water,
concerning every aspect of your life.
the only moments representing peace that you get,
are the ones you decide to make or let happen.

but it's all, not for nothing.
it is for something.
i am attempting to live on purpose,
allowing every moment to matter.
& when you choose to live,
as if God is your salvation,
your peace, your well-being, your success...
moments attempting to promote rejection & oppression will happen.

so i'm in the midst of a journey.
transitioning from one point to a further one.
going up. :)
if you could see the insides of me,
they would look as they always look,
a good work in progress.

...calling it what it 'should' be.

i have somewhat, been away.
only diving online mostly as a spectator,
not in the mindset to be a contributor.

mostly because, i like to think before i talk.
i like there to be significant reasons why i am saying what i say,
i like my words to be set in some meaning,
a real, significant meaning.
not some superficial current state, brought upon some simple passing circumstance.
we feel so many things, in so many moments,
some i prefer more than others.
some i want to highlight,
some i don't.

& lately, i haven't gotten many moments to not only think,
but to execute,
in regards to personal work.
but this is okay,
because taking time to observe,
is something i enjoy,
& find necessary.
so in the mean time,
i've been storing up some amazing variables,
that will inevitably show themselves,
through something that i offer from the insides of me.

i tweeted some thought process i had yesterday.
it was a reaction to things i have been handling,
as well as how i was handling them.
keeping my perspective in check,
not letting defeat reach my imagination,
& only think on rest & peace & success.
to me, i have no choice.
when faced with circumstances,
that could either get much worse,
& begin eating away at my sustainability.
i have no room for negativity. none.
i cannot play with the addictiveness of being a victim,
i must, must, must, keep my head not only above water,
but in the clouds; where my help comes from!
therefor my choices & actions will be reflective of my thoughts,
secure, safe, hopeful, expectant, faithful, joyus!

it wasn't until i experienced circumstances,
that could bring true fear to my heart,
& commit to a reaction to them,
that i could speak on something worth saying.

...sometimes it's better to call it what it should be, instead of what it is.
— ashmytash (@averyashlay) February 27, 2015

not denying the reality, but stating faith. the belief that what you're believing for will manifest.
— ashmytash (@averyashlay) February 27, 2015

...with having good reason to believe for that.
— ashmytash (@averyashlay) February 27, 2015

& a 'good' reason is specific to every life. some are logical, some are 'special'
— ashmytash (@averyashlay) February 27, 2015

i say what i say about stating faith, because i always see eagerness to highlight the bad, when actually a repetitive cycle of stating good,
— ashmytash (@averyashlay) February 27, 2015

...could change the entire energy of this world. change the world's attitude...
— ashmytash (@averyashlay) February 27, 2015

i think we can all agree, the world needs a serious attitude adjustment.
— ashmytash (@averyashlay) February 27, 2015

...from damaged to diamond

#heyfranhey's vlog on mental wellness here, as well as twenties unscripted, The Battle for Revival, here
inspired this post....
a lot of talk lately on mental health ...
dark moments we experience inspired my desire to share.

mental stability is something i’ve strived for nearly all of my life,
constantly. the value and worth i feel for myself goes up and down severely like a see-saw,
& is constantly shifted by the smallest thoughts.
sometimes thoughts regarding something only speculated,
something that has no basis or no real substance even.
my mind has been geared towards a negative reflection of myself for so long, so strongly,
that it is a constant battle to keep steady. 

this reality existed for me long before the social media aspect of the internet became a fundamental staple in our lives. with its introduction came a tsunami of opportunities for some thought to come into my head that completely broke down my self worth to crumbles of dirt & had me wanting to hide in a dark hole alone, forever. 

there are so many reasons i’ve developed these soft spots.
i have experienced loads of verbal, mental & emotional abuse for a period as an adolescent,
in my home, school, work … at a time when other kids are developing their value and worth,
mine was constantly being compromised.
at certain points i felt i had little to no reasons to feel any value at all.
but those little reasons, are what kept me going, kept me trying, believing it was worth it.
those reasons, reasons I feel God gave me on purpose;
a God-mother who always attended to me,
a neighbor family who always valued my presence,
hiphop!! via kurupt & mobb deep,
...all so significant in the reasons why i am where i am now…. in a place i can even write this. 

i begin to realize the negative feelings I would have towards myself were wrong.
although it felt so right to believe i would never accomplish anything,
or that i could never be loved by someone other than family,
& it took everything in me to oppose that, i would anyway.
maybe not right away. maybe it took a break down,
maybe it took solitude for a few days, but eventually … i wasn’t having it. 

through experience and relationships i realized these mental thoughts
were meant as attacks on the beliefs i had of my value.
i knew that things that I had experienced as a pre-teen/teenager made me vulnerable in
social situations or how i saw myself in relation to the rest of the world.
i knew there were dark memories i never wanted to confront,
& that they were the source of why i felt the way i did.
...but since when does my past dictate my future?
God says it doesn’t have to, therefore I knew it didn’t. 

so that brings me to the direction of my journey. the outline you can say,
the fundamentals that have aided me in this road to salvation,
because i knew i wanted to save myself.
i knew that God would have never made something that wasn’t worth saving.
& it was how God saw me & how that resonated with me, that saved me.
that i was thought into existence before the foundations of the earth,
& that my creator knows the number of hairs on my head.
God has given meaning to everything in my life,
even my tragedies have been used to mold me into a resilient human being with a huge imagination
& a compassionate heart. how could i not even be thankful for that?!
not thankful for the pain then, at that moment, but that it wasn’t for nothing.
God turned my losses into wins...

my journey is specific. i’ve never felt like i ever fit into categories,
which is a source for the reason, i tend to keep to myself.
i’m a Jesus-freak who has a deep & real passion for hiphop!
i hold some traditional standards of a womans role in society,
but also know that I am more than a wife or even a mother.
I celebrate the naturalness of a women, but I adore makeup.
I constantly desire information to feed my intellect, but I also love to feed my imagination.
I am a black woman, but also know God & His creation are bigger than color
& believe your destiny could never be buried due to your race or economic status. 

(Although i don’t deny my differences, i never celebrated them either.
i am still in this process of being comfortable with myself.)

Part of Frans video hit home when she talks about being alone.
I desired more than anything to feel adequate just by myself. Me, alone, i am worthy!
so that regardless of what happens, or what can be said, or who goes & who stays,
I am still just as worthy today, as I was yesterday.
That has always been my goal, because I realized, through this journey,
that you can have expectations for people or relationships,
but that does not constitute who they will choose to be or how they choose to act.
therefore, it would be completely illogical for me to place my value or worth in the hands of others.
their presence, their opinions, their approval …. nope, suck it. 

i am getting there. more and more.
when i feel worthy, i have the desire to execute my thoughts or ideas,
to create and take risks. & over time those risks with faith have produced great rewards.
I know now that me, myself, is enough! :)
I create my own standard for myself, and always attempt to live up to that,
regardless of anyone else’s behavior.
therefore, if my character, actions, or thoughts & beliefs were never based an ounce on you,
why would your opinion of them matter at all?! :)
… i am getting to a place where it rarely does. & if it does, not for long.
this journey i believe, is never ending.
i aim to have bad moments, weak moments,
happen as infrequently as possible...
but i know as long as i am alive on this earth,
they will occur.
but now, i am better prepared & equipped to stand steadfast,
regardless...

i talk to myself, to God ... a lot!
i talk through my feelings & perspectives constantly.
when fran mentioned not addressing our real feelings for too long,
it resonated with me.
because sometimes i get so distracted with the world,
that i forget to conversate with myself...
i need this time to work through my thoughts,
determine them and my feelings, something like an update.
as things happen, our minds and perspectives need constant updates, renewals, retouches, etc...

more and more, day by day, literally, i get the opportunity to show out.
to believe, even if that means going against all this negative energy that seemed to meet me that day,
that this too shall past, & before it, through it and after it,
i was, am, & will continue to be awesome & more than enough. :)

checking in with myself ...

so i had written this post previously,
to describe this cycle feeling i keep experiencing.
not being efficient, because i'm not feeling it ...
but feeling it even less due to the lack of efficiency taken place.
do you see how i could be the cause of my own problem,
& at some point, I have to take this initiative,
to go against the feeling of complacency,
and fear of failure, & realize there is immeasurable value in my efforts,
even if they only produce lessons and experience.

the post was to work through thoughts,
& feelings,
& meet some concrete answers & direction,
in terms of what i want,
what i can do,
& what is keeping me from it.

more than anything ...
i get a comforting feeling of appreciation & gratitude.
i realized a lot of my guilt was produced by false standards.
we get so caught up in what we haven't done,
& all the 'damage' that has been done because of it.
& the world telling us,
that really by 30,
you should be very close to some groundbreaking piece of work or invention...

the world gives me this sense of urgency,
that i should be doing all i can,
at this very moment. & if i don't,
i am deserving of nothing.
it produces unsatisfaction & selfishness.

but i love where i'm at.
the opportunity & spaces God has created for me.
these environments that open my eyes,
test my creativity & efficiency,
test my resilience & confidence,
i am so overwhelmingly grateful...
& i don't want to rush that.

by no means do I feel i've mastered all my current roles,
so why do I hate myself for not being in a place,
i'm still getting ready for?

i'm learning to treasure the process,
even more than I had before.
...because i've been in this place before,
& no doubt, i will meet it again later in life,
in the midst of some next transition.

i'm seeing more the value of small goals,
little commitments that turn into good habits.
& there are things I want to obtain,
achievements i want to accomplish,
that sometimes seem too big and farfetched,
but i am trusting in my journey,
the things that have already happened,
& all of the dreams i'm believing for. :)

ConfessionSessionSeries : the finale reflection

I started confession session like a month & a few days ago.
i finished. did all 40 confessions, 2/day, for 20 days. :)
back to back. no biggie.
a reasonable service.
but i had no finale. not yet, until now. lol

it was important for me to present a finish,
not directly for you, but, in the sense that,
i really needed it too. a time to reflect,
because for me, this is just as much as a learning experience.
as i'm writing it, i'm living it, trying, trying, trying, over & over.

& recently what has stood out to me the most,
'...is that it's never too late'
getting caught up in the guilt, the stress, the distress,
the desire to give-in, ...can sometimes over take us to the point,
that we feel soo undeserving, so much so it dulls our wills to even try.
but no. more than ever. no matter how unnatural or illogical it might feel,
i know it is worth it to give effort, to put forth,
even if i didn't, just a moment before,
if i feel i can now, just do it.
..... all of that's kind of broad, i know, but it is a generalization of how my
perspective & effort are evolving.
hey, even this post.
it's late.
my series ended Tuesday i think.
i had a deadline by Friday, mid-day.
it's currently Sat afternoon. ;)
just keep going. & there is reason to remain happy about it.
excited, expectant, knowing that your spirit & heart is real.
& that God is your spirit's & life's overseer. :)

confessions help me keep that. always. at the forefront of my mind.
they help keep my spirit lively, receptive & bold.
they keep away guilt, shame and fear,
& they are constantly refilling me on hope, love & joy, to give...

because of that significance,
it was inevitable that i share,
eventually. lol.
it's so powerful, so overwhelmingly real,
& for everyone.
fueled by the Origin of Love, for you!
there are so many things we don't yet understand,
& learning all of that is a process.
but initially; know that you're loved,
by the Creator of Love, Himself,
& that no other love is truer & realer & pure
& powerful & unconditional, as that.
& through your journey of growth, & realizations,
you will come to know the truth & the depth of the truth.
& confessions are necessary for your journey.
for you to know who you truly are in the face of adversity,
will be necessary. confessions. confessing who you are,
& what that means for your life, consistently, writing that onto your mind,
onto your heart, illuminating your spirit,
it manifest the transformation God has for you! :)
so that you may know who you truly are,
even in the face of your most powerful adversary.

what happens when you repeat. receiving faith.

i'm finally listening to my insides, 

when it gives me a lovefaith topic, 

to share thoughts about. 

i think this will be some what of a series, between this blog & my other, averyashlay.com. 

this entry focusing on how i feel about faith confessions in general, 

& others about specific faith confessions & what they mean for your life. :)

posts full of life and love. #amen. 

confessions. 

we hear about the power of confessions constantly. 

about the affects of what you constantly confess. 

we don't really listen though. we don't apply it. consciously. 

because regardless of if you're aware of it or not, 

you're confessing things over your life & others constantly.

if you really comprehended the power of spoken words, 

would you make more of an attempt to change it?

if you realized how much you've hurt your own self by the things you've already confessed over your own life, 

would you invest the time and focus into the process of changing it?

I have this list of confessions i received from my church. 

it takes bible verses God made as promises and writes them in a form 

you can easily read over your life. 

for example. 'I am Healed by His Stripes' (1 Peter 2:24)
the truth in this verse, makes this statement real and true if you decide to take it for yourself, 

but do you understand, you're the one who has to take the promises. 
God gave them, but you have to receive them. that is your action. your belief, which activates the realness. 

God did this for you. He has givin you answers and solutions. He has givin you promises and forgiveness. take it. feel love. know it. your only reaction to receiving something so real, so pure, so undeserved, is to spread it. :)

the treasure in youth

there are things we once believed,
things we believed could happen,
happen on our behalf.
there are things are hearts were capable of having compassion for,
things our eyes saw the beauty in,
a time where there was no limit in our minds,
and sometimes the 'unreal' could mix with what's 'real'

since when did we decide,
what's best, based on our limited logic.
when did we decide we've learned all that we need,
& our perspective is perfect and poised?
why don't we want to believe in more, for more,
for your creator, for yourself, for the world.

something about my preferences and perspective remains 'childlike'
& sometimes a feeling attempts to creep up on me,
saying i'm kind of a underdeveloped, immature creep because of it.
but more and more, with more strength behind my belief,
i know that's not true. & that i rather have it, than not.

i want to believe, that people can change,
anyone could change, the power does not have to escape them,
even though i know, some will not.
i don't want to feed off another's anger or fear,
but always be a beacon of light,
full of fearless love, and skill.

i don't want to base my character my perspective,
off the actions of another.
my moral is not compromised by our inevitable human flaws.

i want to find joy in anything,
derive hope and love from anything.
i want the 'little' moments to always be enough,

i want my imagination to be capable of running wild,
i want it to be a tool,
for hopes and dreams, for comfort and creativity.

there's the youth that gives you time,
we treasure it because we fear its departure.
but there's that youth that can stay with you as you grow,
a perspective of hope and excitement,
that will keep us in all these ass-hole moments of adulthood & responsibility,
that allows us to remain our true-selves,
unhindered by the shiftiness of fear.

sudden change of thought.

i think...maybe i think too much.
so often i obsess over situations, people, things ...
thinking that because it happened,
because it's actually associated with my life...
it has a right to hold up so much space in my mind.

like, if i'm not actually thinking about what i've done,
or hadn't done....
what would i actually be thinking about....?!

this is all very new to me,
creepishly sudden.

i came here to reflect on something that had happened,
trying to find the right thoughts to dwell on concerning it,
irritated a bit that i needed that,
& then suddenly realized,
maybe i didnt really need to devote any thought process to it.
i mean, there would be no harm in thinking about it none at all...
the only harm would come from over thinking,
leading to over analyzing,
making up sh*t that's not really there,
& then being all dramatic with it.
Looorrddd, thank you for this epiphany.

excuse my lack of poetic words, sentences and stanzas,
i'm kind of overwhelmed with relief.
i will definitely follow up on this,
in a more cohesive, complete write up.

but this is pretty raw,
pretty awesome.
this blog, and my desire to write,
led to this realization,
& immediately changed my subject focus.
you're a witness to divine greatness.
the mechanics of God worked through me.
hallelujah.

as for that previous situation,
we're just going to leave it at what it was...
rest in God's best with it. :)

inadequacy.

so yesterday,
i had this mini mental breakdown.
& while its power is diminishing,
little remnants are still present.

i adore my job,
i adore even more,
being able to do my job well.
when my expectations aren't met,
it's no one else's fault but my own.
because if i was as good as i should be,
then i would always be up.
& although logically, i can assess, that that's not true,
in my mind when it happens,
even now,
it doesn't matter.

so naturally,
as one thing begins to lead to another,
i start to feel incredibly inadequate,
in all things.
especially when it involves being loved by another person,
specifically relationships.

when the person i adore,
is a person i admire,
because of his drive,
his accomplishments,
someone i see as capable,
of possessing everything he desires,
where possibly could my inadequacy fit into that?!
it doesn't.
how could someone like that,
want someone as inadequate as me?!

that. is the icing on the cake.
after that, i completely separate myself,
because my stability is shot,
and my worth has completely diminished…at least in my mind.

buut, wait for it, that silver lining.

(…now this instance is a bit specific,
more specific than usual for this blog,
but things like this happen to me constantly.
God using the universe to remind me,
of who i am, and how He works,
& that there is no higher power than Him.)

i've been following this women #KateNorthrup for a few weeks now, and she is a specialist in money management.
today, i decided to watch her FinancialFreedomFriday video on Net Worth & Friends.
focuses on the damage of comparing your lives to others,
& instead, how you can use someone else's success, as a positive for your own life. smfh.
perfect timing.
it's surreal, how these things fall into my lap. but i am forever grateful,
for these moments, that reassure my hope is not in vain,
& that my self worth is not equivalent to my net worth.
even though high net worth is in my financial future !! :)

here i am. :)

my analysis of who i've become. a reflection of sorts i suppose, of who i think i am.
my own opinion i want to stress.
because i have known to have been wrong before.
& i think our own reflection of who we think we are, is inevitably distorted.
i rely solely much more so on prayer.
because people, including ourselves as individuals,
are essentially unreliable.
no one will take all the way care of you.
at some point, you must be able to rely on your own backbone,
the one that God strengthens.
& you must receive from Him, all the things you need to prosper within this world.
let the drought happen around you, not to you.
….because regardless, it will happen.

i wish i could give you some groundbreaking knowledge,
as to how to become the person God intended you to be,
…the best version of yourself.
but all i've figured out so far,
is that it is different for everyone.
it is not something you can manipulate,
to have it happen your way,
under your terms,
within your time frame.
but it must happens as it wills,
as time and surroundings allow.

but don't miss the point,
being that you are to stand steadfast.
that regardless of what is happening around you,
what is within you stays focused,
stays motivated,
continues to believe that there is purpose,
that the hope you have,
will never be in vain.
& there is no mistake you can make,
or tragedy that can happen,
that can reverse that.
the win, it is inevitable. :)
xoxo, ash.

this isn't a game.

sometimes i forget,
that only i can do what it is that i do.

we shouldn't feel threatened by our surroundings,
our peers,
because if you're being true to you,
no one can do what it is you do...
or how you do it.
i rest in that fact.
it eliminates fear.

i rarely spend time,
thinking about survival.
...strategies to stay relevant.
because there is only so much you can do on your own.
& honestly your efforts in that, are nearly irrelevant.

i mean, what i'm saying doesn't apply to everyone,
because i'm operating with God on my side,
while others are fighting against God.
attempting to do everything themselves,
not letting God act on their behalf.

but considering the circumstances in which i'm operating under...
i feel like this becomes less of a game, 'because i could lose that'
& more like life. :)

sh%t happens

i should be careful of what i say,
writing down thoughts,
makes them permanent memories.

but i'm feeling bold,
& honestly i think this is good.
thoughts i'm uncomfortable with,
but pushing through them.

frame of reference.
i get used to an atmosphere,
specific circumstances....
& then things change,
for the better.
& i maneuver, gladly.
& get accustomed.

then, things change again.
for the worse.
where the f#*k has my frame of reference gone?
can't even seem to remember, what encouraged you to make it.
can't feel that which made you believe you could.
so now, you feel foolish, that you ever thought you could...
that you even came this far....

but then you realize,
that even if you don't know how, you did.
you have made it this far,
even under those circumstances that seem so foreign to you now.

so really,
i'm like f%*k those thoughts that tell me i'm being silly,
for believing in a dream,
counting on it even...
because i'm here now,
& that in itself is a thousand miracles.
& while circumstances change,
sometimes for what seems like the worse,
God's working. Jesus is for me! :)
i can literally... never lose!