defining times.

I want to remember these moments I am so closely acquainted to hopelessness.

These moments where the easiest & hardest thing is to give in to your fears.

Welcome to the death of your spirit.

This is what selling your soul to the devil is like. 

Turning over your thoughts, your emotions, imaginations & will
to fear and despair. 

Complete worthlessness.

These are the moments we must remember.

Because we aren't the only ones who come so close.

To death within life.

We must offer up our most vulnerable times, 

To the ones who need them.

Who need are significant moments,

To use as a foundation.

Because we were where they are once,

& we kept going.

Even though we could see no rhyme or reason

Blinded by weakness

We kept crawling.

Because God promised we always had a reason to. 

bang!

"i was taught, even when it's tough, chin up ninja." -skeme

this moment is here, because it's inevitable.
these solitary moments, where time slows down for me,
and i can do what i choose.
reflect on what i choose,
make whatever assessments i choose.

i can choose to be satisfied,
or disappointed.
i could love the person i am,
or be disgusted.
i can be straight forward and honest,
or i can take the long way around.

these moments can be dangerous though,
depending on what i choose to focus on.
if i begin to take things out of context,
overly desire something before its time.
i can become ungrateful and selfish.

then....since my focus is already on the worldly,
i desire a worldly recovery.
outlets i've always known,
even if the outcome is no longer suited for me.
it's hard not to desire those things,
those old coping mechanisms,
at least without feeling bitter.

but there, there's the challenge.
because if your denying yourself,
& hating life while doing it,
then there is no point.

the point is to find joy,
through the uncomfort.
to believe the best,
even though,
you would find temporary satisfaction,
in believing the worst.

at least, that's how it is for me.