the weight of offense

 being on an everlasting journey of knowing and growing in Christ more is literally the best part of life.

in uncovering truths about Christ we uncover truths about ourselves and in relation to our experiences here on earth.

i’ve always struggled in my relationships with friends and community. some social norms don’t come as naturally to me and my perspective and thought patterns can come off as intense and/or insensitive. it created an insecurity in me and impacted my ability to make and have friends. (i’ve also always been adaptable & have made a way since my adolescence.) However, understanding why things are the way they are and uncovering secondary truths is not only empowering but brings wisdom. 

that’s what chapter 9: the rock of offense in John Bevere’s book, The Bait of Satan, did for me. 

________________

The story of John’s offense via Jesus while he was in jail is one i can relate to time and time again. feeling as if you deserve better, that you’re not being properly credited for your work, your accomplishments. feeling sorry for one’s self because another hasn’t lived up to our expectations. self-pity and pettiness.

“John is locked in prison and hears of Jesus’ ministry. he’s been locked up for some time and very few people are coming to visit. all your work has been in preparation of the Coming One and now that He’s here, are you even important anymore? Most of your followers have left you to follow Jesus. I mean you & Jesus have been locked in since you were in the womb and now He won’t even come visit you or get you out of jail. & you hear He out here hanging with thieves and prostitutes. He sends word to Jesus, “are you even the Coming One or are we waiting for another?!” 

aahahahahahahahahaha.

John probably assuming the worst. being mad at the Father and Christ. he knows who Jesus is but he’s being a smart ass because he’s salty. and i mean, he’s in jail, not like we would blame him.

but Jesus is really out here fulfilling a prophecy that John helped usher in. He’s healing and reconnecting people to the Father. and He responds to John informing him of what’s going on and adds, “and blessed is he who is not offended because of Me.” :)

Jesus knew John was feeling salty. & even though John’s perspective and behavior was unholy, Jesus had grace for Him understanding that Join is susceptible to fleshly and worldly feelings of fear & revenge. 

———————

i’ve been John many many times and i’m lucky enough to have experienced being wrong. many times i believed someone did or didn’t do something just to hurt me. i have spent many hours stuck in my own head creating scenarios that reinforced the idea that no one loves me. and everytime, i regretted it. 

my perspective was born out of hurt and fear. a losing combo. it was debilitating as it kept me stuck and in circles. 

“John didn’t know the whole picture or plan of God, just as we do not know the complete picture today.”

These declarations from this chapter are so perfect for me and exactly what i needed at this time in my walk with Christ. 

____________ DECLARATIONS

Father God, I want You to rule and reign in my life. I will not allow an attitude of spiritual legalism to rise above my desire for an intimate relationship with You.

Through the power of Your Holy Spirit, I declare that I will never wield the sword of division to my brothers and sisters in You, but I will live in peace with all who have called upon Your name and are part of Your kingdom.

Father, prevent me from being offended by the truth of Your Word when it is presented to me. Reveal my true motives so that I will never be tempted to uproot myself from those who preach Your truth.

Holy Spirit, enable me to live my life before my loved ones in such a way that they will see my love for You and be drawn to You.

Holy Spirit, remove any fear in me that if I do not fulfill the expectations of others, they will be hurt and offended by me.

Father, I will not allow an unpleasant response from others to deter  from Your truth. I do not want to abandon the flow of the Spirit for the desires of men.

a trip to hell

 a few things.

knowing that God created you on purpose is a powerful revelation.  

i’ve been a little irresponsible. i’ve encountered many beautiful and healing truths that i’ve forgotten to write down. an injustice really.

but in an effort of amends, i come here with the intent of laying my current truth out with words.

that i’ve been away to a dark place. alone slowly sinking further into an abyss. fear filled me, fogging my vision like a haze of hate. i was present in body only. my mind had been lost and my soul was burning. 

the lies felt like the only truth i could trust. 

in those moments you need someone who won’t give up on you. even though the terror has you pushing them away. but God needs to remind you, a way to get you to remember, just for a second, an undeniable truth that is written on your heart. 

for me, that was that i was created on purpose. with intention. out of love. meant for joy. no matter what is happening now. all the mistakes i’ve made, the binds i’m currently in, my creation cannot be disputed and neither can the Creator. the Creator made me, & He is righteous, perfect and loves me perfectly. 

at once i realized the lie beneath my eyes. because no way could i be abandoned, left for dead, useless and invaluable. God called me a masterpiece, created me in His holy image. lol. my being is the embodiment of love, righteousness, glory. i’m the bees knees, 1 of 1, created on purpose, with intention, ain’t nun like me. :)

and God used this imperfect being and made him perfect for me. and sometimes that bothers me. because sometimes it doesn’t look how i think it should look. and then the question becomes what is the source of my vision. is it the world or is it Christ. and then layers of false truths, misconceptions and assumptions come unraveling.

i don’t know if the public will understand this one. i may be a little too in my head, driven by my heart. but it’s honesty and it’s necessary. 

you were created in the image of God and no matter how far we go off course or distance ourselves from that truth we can always decide we want it to be true again and God will honor us, honor His truth, His original love for you when He made us, when Christ died for us. the greatest fucking sacrifice! for you. for us. 

 _________ some new affirmations in rotation____________

God is my father. 

Christ is the Son of God and my brother.

Christ saved me from destruction and from the evil of and in this world.

God has created me in His image, i am an image bearer of God my father, of Heaven, holiness, righteousness, power, peace, joy, wisdom, beauty and all good things.

i have been given power over all the powers and principalities of this world through Christ the Son, the Holy Spirit within me and God my Father. 

the Father will never forsake me, Christ is never far from me and the Holy Spirit is always in me guiding me.

i rebuke all devils, demons and any evil thing, lie & perversion from me, my family, our communities, our dwellings & possessions and anything that concerns us, & i send them to where Jesus sends them and i bind them & command them to stay there. 

in Jesus name, amen 🙏🏾 

A Side of Christ

i was feeling low on faith. 

some tough realities were bothering me. 
hindering me from feeling good, feeling motivated, 
loved and valuable.

because this can be super harmful if not addressed, 
I Had To Get Stuck on Jesus, and quick. 

anyway, that led me to this T.D. Jakes sermon, 
which prompted a reading of Luke 17. 

& it's not that this scripture directly addressed 
my lack-luster preceding moments, 
but it brought Jesus before me, 
not only in the real way of being reminded 
His presence and goodness are 24/7/365, 
but in a new way. wow. 

a picture of His character, an 
understanding of His will & perspective 
that I had not been ready to see before. 

In ways that correspond to the woman I am today. 
a black woman, one of God's. 
& the realities that I face and the comforts I seek.
the offenses perpetuated against me & the
offense I myself perpetrate against others. 

& let me tell you, I had my suspicions, 
but Jesus really is that guy. 

_______________________________________

We are often taught the concept of forgiveness in church, 
but never really taught how to deal with violence perpetuated against us, 
whether that violence be emotional, mental, physical, sexual, etc...

& what can end up happening, is our relationship with Christ can suffer, 
and we can begin to move away from the church after suffering something traumatic, 
because it seems that Christ has no help for us, for our feelings and our present troubles. 

but that's wrong. because where you're righteously angry, so is Christ. 
& forgiveness is not just given, it is earned. 
& like you and me, Christ also rebukes and turns away those who harm unjustifiably, 

In Luke 17, Jesus tells us that those who seek to harm His family, 
would be better off killing themselves. 

& when a brother sins against us, we should rebuke them. Talk to them.
Tell them that they hurt you and how, and what should have been done instead. 
only then, and if, you're brother acknowledges their behavior and seeks retribution & forgiveness, 
then you must forgive them. 

but the forgiveness is earned, not freely given. 
there is acknowledgement of the sin that was done against you, 
and it wasn't swept over or dismissed, 
it must be addressed. 
because wrongs against you aren't okay. 
& we have the Godly agency to protect ourselves & our families, 
from those who callously commit harm against others. 

so for women who are violated over and over, 
and children who are preyed upon, 
their violators are not entitled to forgiveness, 
& the saving of their lives, is not our concern. 
there is a God who acknowledges our pain, 
and who grieves with us as we heal, 
and respects our anger. 

and while that righteous anger is there, 
and that space for unforgiveness of evil, 
we still have a duty to also forgive those who righteously seek forgiveness. 
who put in the work to repent. to change their ways and offer countenance to those they've hurt. 
Jesus says although it is hard, it is your reasonable service to do so, 
an unprofitable act, 
because it is what has been done for you and i. 

this side of Christ, 
His righteous anger, 
His talk of death for those that are evil, 
the conditions of forgiveness, 
I had not seen before, 
and I am so thankful for it. 

a conversation : Easter significance

all the holidays that center Jesus are important to me. 
Easter is no exception. I love the association with newness, growth,
once was dead is now alive. spring. :)

but even beyond that. into the moments that precede that Resurrection Sunday.
Jesus’s moments. with the Father, His companions, His enemies. 

this year I gave up something for lent.
something i really did not want to give up too.
and I knew i would need the Spirit of the Lord to follow through. 

i also read some bible plans that highlighted why i chose to even participate in lent.
to acknowledge the 40 days and 40 nights Christ spent in the wilderness being tested,
prior to fulfilling His mission on the cross.
and to force myself into a commitment that although would be good for me, made me seriously uncomfortable.
a commitment that i made to and with the Father as worship and praise because He strengthens me for all good work, and all things work together for the good of those that love Him. 

i am filled with gratitude and i needed to share.
i needed to share with someone who is so important to me something that is so important to me.
i had to share this praise, worship, acknowledgment, understanding, and revelation with my person.
and so today we talked about the significance of Easter.
well, mostly i talked, but it is God’s Spirit that leads me.
and in those moments we got to dwell on Jesus and remember
and remind ourselves of God’s intention and Jesus’s journey.

i’m not saying this is a huge deal or some cause for celebration,
but it is special to me.

i love God, i love learning about my relationship with Him,
His work in creating me, His work in saving me.
and to get to share that with the most significant person in my life is everything. 

to see my relationship constantly growing,
constantly leaning on God’s faithfulness is all I could ever want for my family.
It is what Christ died to give me and we are forever eternally grateful and faithful.

Standing Apart

When I was young I used to write about romance. Infatuations destined to fail that weren’t deserving of my attention or my efforts. But yet they remained the subject of my heart. 

Now I choose to write in a much more abstract way. Digging down to the root of the moment the desires that push us, the conflicts that keep us apart and why they are so. The tendencies of human nature. 

I believe we may attract similar brokenness we ourselves feel when choosing our companions, friends and lovers. And although it is easy to recognize and criticize in others, do we consider that maybe their brokenness is a reflection of ourselves?

If that’s the case, then our pride in what we see as righteousness is false and needs to be dismissed. The superiority we gain only exists to deceive and separate us from our community. How then do we address the obvious ungodliness that exists amongst us and in us?

Of course just recently, I wrote a note on a bible verse I highlighted during bible study. 

“And if anyone does not obey our word in this epistle, note that person and do not keep company with him, that he may be ashamed. Yet do not count him as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother.” II Thessalonians 3:14-15

A guide to how we should approach others in our community. Always making the value of community a priority. 💕

Then I also realized, that Christ never denied who He was. Although humility was always His character, He stood firm in His identity, being that He was the Son of the Almighty, to whom all of earth and heaven was given. Though He came to serve, He was the key to our existence, our prosperity, our wisdom.

Therefore, we can recognize our imperfections without denying our identity. We can acknowledge someone else's brokenness, and understand that it is a reflection of our own, while also understanding that it does not define or bind us.

That is the difference between them and we. For they may choose to deny their weaknesses, seeing no need for prayer and change. And we, we work diligently to see Christ as our reflection. To not let insecurity drive us to spite and fear drive us to deceit. In that truth we have strength and can continue to hold our head high. And although the world may regard us as weak, it is only for a moment.

open eyes 👀

i recognized something today,
something that i've already known,
but have consistently pushed to the back of my mind.

i realize
the enemy has used the things i like,
to replace the things i love.

distractions are an essential tactic
of the enemy.
to keep you from purpose,
from peace,
from prosperity.

trials can arise un-welcomed feelings.
shame, defeat, inadequacy.
and those feelings confront me now.
i want to believe what God says,
which is so strong in my heart.

that trials reveal courage,
and produce strength.
they also open eyes and minds
to previously hidden truths,
about ourselves,
& about our God.

i'm so grateful for this moment,
to be writing these words,
fulfilling this purpose.

but i'm in the midst of uncertainty and chaos.
and feeling peace,
seems irresponsible.

i've been through enough,
and am too familiar with the negative confronting me,
to know that my Father would never forsake me.
that every low is only temporary,
and that God is always many steps ahead of me.

so in this, what i have seen,
is that the world's "peace"
brought upon by a false sense of security,
in the things we believe the world has given us,
is deceiving us.
and peace is not money or certainty in our own ability,
but in our Father,
and the truth that He is always with us,
always working for and in us,
regardless of what our circumstances look like.

i previously called 2020 the year of breakthrough,
for other reasons,
but i'm seeing more now.

so i choose to defy the enemy,
and be happy in his face.
be grateful,
and positively expectant.
i will not take the fear he is trying to hand me,
and i won't just look at my now,
but at all the wins God has handed me.

a year of breakthroughs

the feelings i carry are strength and power.

joy with good expectation.

gratitude for my holy community,

provision from my Heavenly Father. 

we feel protected and happy,

with knowledge that together in Him,

we could never lack. 

i have changed my life for the better,

and leant on my faith to do it.

the light, i couldn’t see at first,

fear and resistance was all i felt.

but i remembered the pain i felt in my heart

& the prayers between me and the Father,  

& i continued on,

as we had discussed.

packing up my stuff & my heart 

knowing that leaving,

was better than staying. 

death of self confidence

i always surprise myself.
is this good?
always being surprised that you're actually more sufficient,
than you thought you were?
why you always thinking you insufficient?

confidence in Christ,
is so much better than confidence in self.
i believe i am always in this battle,
because this world pushes so much need for self-confidence on you.
but this is not me.

if i attempt to act like this, from the self,
it is inconsistent,
it is not sustainable,
it is fake, most times,
and keeps you from acting in honesty with others.

but when i am confident in Christ,
for the sake of my relationship with my God
for the sake of my own well-being,
for the sake of my intimate relationship,
for the sake of my family,
for the sake of my efforts,
for the sake of my friends,
for the sake of my career,
it is not in vain.

only i can be inconsistent,
the Lord cannot.
He will always come through,
He will always love,
and grant peace,
and defeat that which acts against you.

it is when i forget this,
and judge my circumstances based off my own capacity,
and judge my future based off my own capacity,
that i am destined to fail,
that i am destined to break.
alone i am weak,
in Christ i am everything good.

imagine that.

still standing in darkness

i wrote this on paper first.
when i am fueled from the inside out,
but unsure of the purpose i'm looking to fulfill,
sometimes it is easier that way. (disclaimer)
______________________________________________

going to start writing this here (on paper),
rather than on the computer,
because my mind is entertaining
so many thoughts,
& i am unaware of how i truly feel.
a little shitty probably.

not because God has forsaken me,
but because this world, this society,
works so hard to diminish my value,
& that is shitty.

i've invested so much into a purpose,
& while it was not purpose-less,
as God uses all things for the good of me,
& His purpose for me,
the world will take you, eat you,
& produce nothing for you.
this world will steal your harvest.
the devil has stolen my harvest.

but,
with faith, through faith, in faith,
in the truth that Father God has established for me,
through Christ, my brother, my savior, my king,
the devil has set me up real good.
obligated to pay me,
all that he's stolen from me,
a gagillion times over.
abundantly.
overflowing.
more than enough.

this is the truth that i know.
this goes beyond my feelings,
this is my spirit.
my mind & body...will follow.

so in the time being,
how shall i proceed?

because my mind constantly requires that i check it,
to dismiss thoughts fueled by
fear, anger, bitterness & destruction.

my body has to be forced
out of complacency,
to continue to toil,
although no win, can be physically seen.

people still talk to me,
as if i want to talk.
they still desire my gracefulness,
a smile and respect.
they still desire to take from me.

how shall i proceed?

i'm no longer battling fear,
as to what will happen to me.
my battle is with patience,
to keep peace in a place fueled to keep burning me.

surroundings that will continue to see me,
as less than human,
less than the queen God has made me,
has declared me as.
i'm still expendable,
a punching bag,
a free resource unworthy of,
decency & respect.

how shall i proceed?

this is the true fight,
to keep my peace,
that Christ offers me.
no wonder it must be beyond my understanding.
because peace here,
in this space,
is worldly unfathomable.
worldly peace could not live here.

my joy has to come from the inside out,
produced by heaven,
& it will be the true fight,
to exert it to all.
even those who trespass against me.
because this is what Christ did for me,
although my trespasses against God were many.

there is power in this.
i am powerful.

this calmness Christ has blanketed me with,
is unbreakable.

I am unbreakable
even in the darkness,
all this darkness,
i am unbreakable!