intense transitions

i wrote this last week, 
but waited until now to post it. 
i've moved in now. God did it. :) 
#amen

____________________________________

i’m moving.

uprooting myself in an attempt to root myself somewhere else.
being uprooted is not my preferred state.
i prefer stability and preparedness.
i was neither prepared mentally or emotionally for this.
let alone, had no idea as to where my new home would be.
can. you. say. anxiety. 

luckily my faith is so deep-rooted,
that fear has a hard time latching on to me.
so although i was uncomfortable,
still somewhat uncomfortable,
i am able to dismiss feelings of hopelessness and despair. 

really, we live in a society that is unstable.
at any moment a natural disaster can happen,
the economy can fail,
a discouraging doctor’s visit can bring unexpected information,
your relationships can fall through…
really, we have no control.
the only control we have is our response.
will you respond in strength and hope,
or in fear?

moving is only one of the few battles i’m currently facing.
because i can only control myself,
tribulations consistently meet me,
but with every win you acquire,
with steadfastness in love & faith,
the bigger your mind grows,
the stronger your heart becomes,
and you find yourself surprised and uber grateful,
at the person you’re becoming. 

so i accepted this battle,
because really, i had no choice.
i wasn’t going to end my life,
due to the worlds cruelty.
in my best language, fxxk that.
love is always bigger and brighter than hate,
even if it isn’t always so clear.
& i prayed, and prayed, & cried, & prayed.
i went through so many intense emotions,
it was sometimes nauseating.
but i put myself out there,
expecting deep down, to win. 

my credit score was eehhh,
there was even some stuff on my credit report,
that i hadn’t done myself,
that i had no idea about,
until i was so close to closing a deal.
it can also be argued,
that i don’t make enough,
to technically ‘win’ in this society.
or at least live in an a-1 desirable neighborhood. 

but luckily for me,
even though it’s more about grace than luck,
a desirable neighborhood to me, isn’t everyones desire.
and the people making the decisions in deciding
if i was the right tenant,
for some reason, they liked me,
and they trusted me. me. a complete stranger. 

i haven’t moved in yet,
but i do have a move-in date for the 30th.
until i’m in,
i don’t think i’ll be completely at ease,
or ideally comfortable,
but what I’ve gotten to take away from this already,
all this grace being displayed in my life,
it’s incredible.
i chose to show up,
and God showed out. :)