...outside the lines.

i'm going to attempt to put into words,
the value i've realized, exist in rules.
standard outlines,
a universal code,
that everyone can accomplish,
so that in general, we can communicate.
that's a beautiful thing.
to have established practices,
traditions, familiar processes.

being aware of these standard positions,
holding doors, saying hello, politeness,
literary rules, constructing a sentence,
acknowledging ambulances,
inside voices, table manners,
eating with forks, (not a fan of this when i was a child)
etc...there's a million.
allow us to come together,
share with one another,
even if we don't immediately relate.

but when i was a child,
who loved to eat with her hands,
i had a strong disdain for these rules.
not that i thought certain actions or behaviors weren't appropriate or beneficial,
but that someone was telling me how i should act,
as if i didn't have enough reason,
to arrive at that decision myself.
& what if i didn't want to exactly do it 'your' way, ...
i wanted there to be nothing wrong with that,
as long as it accomplished what i desired,
& was peaceful to the public.

but now.
now.
as a professional woman in an industry,
as a creative, a writer, a visionary,
i am so grateful for these little details...
these social traditions,
this umbrella we operate under.
definitely not saying, that to stay & only operate under that umbrella is the ideal way, no.
but to have that frame of reference !!! yes.

while some of our social traditions are based on biased thinking,
essentially being sexist, agist, classist, etc...
some of them are natural evolution.
they exists for reasons, on purpose. they work.
working in a creative industry,
where you're attempting to market your creativity to the general population successfully,
having that plane that you know exists, that a lot of people can relate to...
so valuable.
that consistency, general same-mindedness, ...at least regarding certain things.

ALSO, because my little rebel still exists, even in this professional couture fit....
rules exists, so that WE CAN BREAK THEM, SOMETIMES.
there are these special moments, that we treasure,
that coloring outside of the lines, works, and is amazing,
& sometimes, reshapes the line it purposely disregarded.
that could never happen if that line didn't exist.

design rules, in lettering, architecture, web design, etc...
they're there for a reason, because they work.
they look good, they are outlines, you can count on.
writing rules, punctuation, capitalization, etc...
so that in general, what you write, can be understood.

but this is the fun part.
because by not choosing to use those general rules,
you get to say something,
without really saying it.

this is my blog.
these are my words.
this is my mind, layed out, how i like it,
how i believe it is accurately transferred,
from the wiring in my brain,
to the wiring that is this computer, & further, this internet.
some punctuation rules, i disregard.
my thoughts are informal.
when they are here, displayed in this context,
on this platform,
they are still in general, just raw thoughts,
not specifically assigned to a purpose, which in that case, they may need 'rule' adjustments.
therefore, i illustrate that with my lack of formality in my writing.
all my case is lower except when referring to something holy, like God,
because i don't like to take myself so seriously.
this is my comfort zone, a cozy place, a no-judgement zone,
but all of that is possible, that message, this act of small defiance,
because the rules are there.
& sometimes, they are meant to be broken.

friend vs. foe

because look,
isn't it one thing to understand & accept severe human flaws from individuals,
and another to invite them into your personal life.

why associate with people you can't trust.
you can't trust them to not speak about you maliciously,
in their times of weakness.
you can't trust them to be loyal, when faced with snakes.
you can't trust them to have your best interest at heart,
when they're unhappy with their own circumstances.
you can't even trust them to be honest about their shortcomings as a friend,
because that would be admitting fault, & God forbid they admit to vulnerabilities.
too much pride, but pride of what?
the lack of a real individual you managed to become.

i hate the idea that i'm just being bitter,
which is why i'll always attempt to assess myself.
but i can't find a neutral perspective or place for people that consistently can't be trusted.
what value are you to me?

i even find disgust in myself,
which fuels my desire for change.

i want my friends to feel as if they can rely on me.
if they feel concern by a comment or action,
that they feel comfortable enough to tell me,
before assuming, & then acting on their assumption.
i want them to believe they can confide in me,
& worry not that i would use their secrets to my own advantage,
for something as small as 'making conversation'
when really, it's creating gossip.
i would like for them to think that if i knew information concerning them,
their well-being, their relationships, etc ...
that i would tell them.
i want them to know they are a priority,
and that i would sacrifice for them.
that i value their presence,
& all the joy it adds to my life.

i mean, am i trippin?
is that too much to ask?
are my expectations too high?
because yes, i've been told that before. ;) lol. smh.

and then honestly, even if they are....
I DON'T CARE !!
i rather have one real friend,
then hella mis-guided, cowardly, integrity-lacking, delusional people around me,
who serve no purpose.
i don't need people strictly for 'social-settings'
people there only to have fun with...
i have fun by myself.
& i'll sacrifice the occasional 'turn-up'
until i'm able to surround myself with more
responsible human beings.

people who take responsibility for their life,
themselves, their words, and their actions.
people who stand by their character and integrity.
or at least make an attempt to.