a trip to hell

 a few things.

knowing that God created you on purpose is a powerful revelation.  

i’ve been a little irresponsible. i’ve encountered many beautiful and healing truths that i’ve forgotten to write down. an injustice really.

but in an effort of amends, i come here with the intent of laying my current truth out with words.

that i’ve been away to a dark place. alone slowly sinking further into an abyss. fear filled me, fogging my vision like a haze of hate. i was present in body only. my mind had been lost and my soul was burning. 

the lies felt like the only truth i could trust. 

in those moments you need someone who won’t give up on you. even though the terror has you pushing them away. but God needs to remind you, a way to get you to remember, just for a second, an undeniable truth that is written on your heart. 

for me, that was that i was created on purpose. with intention. out of love. meant for joy. no matter what is happening now. all the mistakes i’ve made, the binds i’m currently in, my creation cannot be disputed and neither can the Creator. the Creator made me, & He is righteous, perfect and loves me perfectly. 

at once i realized the lie beneath my eyes. because no way could i be abandoned, left for dead, useless and invaluable. God called me a masterpiece, created me in His holy image. lol. my being is the embodiment of love, righteousness, glory. i’m the bees knees, 1 of 1, created on purpose, with intention, ain’t nun like me. :)

and God used this imperfect being and made him perfect for me. and sometimes that bothers me. because sometimes it doesn’t look how i think it should look. and then the question becomes what is the source of my vision. is it the world or is it Christ. and then layers of false truths, misconceptions and assumptions come unraveling.

i don’t know if the public will understand this one. i may be a little too in my head, driven by my heart. but it’s honesty and it’s necessary. 

you were created in the image of God and no matter how far we go off course or distance ourselves from that truth we can always decide we want it to be true again and God will honor us, honor His truth, His original love for you when He made us, when Christ died for us. the greatest fucking sacrifice! for you. for us. 

 _________ some new affirmations in rotation____________

God is my father. 

Christ is the Son of God and my brother.

Christ saved me from destruction and from the evil of and in this world.

God has created me in His image, i am an image bearer of God my father, of Heaven, holiness, righteousness, power, peace, joy, wisdom, beauty and all good things.

i have been given power over all the powers and principalities of this world through Christ the Son, the Holy Spirit within me and God my Father. 

the Father will never forsake me, Christ is never far from me and the Holy Spirit is always in me guiding me.

i rebuke all devils, demons and any evil thing, lie & perversion from me, my family, our communities, our dwellings & possessions and anything that concerns us, & i send them to where Jesus sends them and i bind them & command them to stay there. 

in Jesus name, amen 🙏🏾 

sh%t happens

i should be careful of what i say,
writing down thoughts,
makes them permanent memories.

but i'm feeling bold,
& honestly i think this is good.
thoughts i'm uncomfortable with,
but pushing through them.

frame of reference.
i get used to an atmosphere,
specific circumstances....
& then things change,
for the better.
& i maneuver, gladly.
& get accustomed.

then, things change again.
for the worse.
where the f#*k has my frame of reference gone?
can't even seem to remember, what encouraged you to make it.
can't feel that which made you believe you could.
so now, you feel foolish, that you ever thought you could...
that you even came this far....

but then you realize,
that even if you don't know how, you did.
you have made it this far,
even under those circumstances that seem so foreign to you now.

so really,
i'm like f%*k those thoughts that tell me i'm being silly,
for believing in a dream,
counting on it even...
because i'm here now,
& that in itself is a thousand miracles.
& while circumstances change,
sometimes for what seems like the worse,
God's working. Jesus is for me! :)
i can literally... never lose!

pt. 2. :)

so remember.
all the good things about you.
that arent good because someone else tells you there good.
but because it comes from the truest parts of you.

the good that is cultivated from experiences, 
from lessons learned. 
the good that is a product of endurance.
the good in you that never waivers, 
never gets lost, never becomes compromised.

because even in this fantasy world,
entitled reality,
where they tell you youre not good enough.
that good in you still exist. 

right it on a post it note,
make it your screen saver,
tattoo it onto the inside of your hand,
tell it to yourself every day.
the good in you that has developed.
the good in you that directs your dreams,
& motivates you to keep enduring,
to be the best good that was meant for you to be.

always believe the BEST things.
what do you have to lose...
it's free. :)
& disappointments are only temporary,
existing only to build your character,
to enhance what already exist.
so don't let them discourage.

lol, intentionally this wasnt meant to be a motivational speech.
just an issue i was able to identify and defeat within my own life.
i live in los angeles, o_0. enough said.
& this isnt about me being weak or wack. far from it.
but about being real.
confronting a situation that i refuse to let become all too familiar.
because if your going to rise above your circumstances,
and create the circumstances that you desire,
this process, this growth. this is inevitable.

divine intervention

remember this day. this day in which you felt like this. this unrestrainable urge to type. to remember. to paste a bit of time on a post it note. yes, alcohol accompanied this. && for that i feel like some drunk stereotypical idea of a melodramatic writer, in an tainted environment.

i say tainted, because i am not your average writer. i am a christian first. a jesus filled individual who has daily conversations with our God. && God let me know today, that i can no (know) longer play the fence. i.e i know now. for sure. it is written. :)

these objections that i feel. these powerful feelings of doubt. smh. all caused by playing with those things on the other side. uhhhmm. there is a fence there for a reason.

so dominique was there all along to show me this as well.
why try so hard to hold on to things,
you obviously really wish to let go from.

weed is on my side.
recklessness is not.
let go of all recklessness.
we are moving on.
:)


p.s God has interrupted this reckless moment to bring us a valuable message. :)